Veritas
09-27-2006, 06:10 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said "Okay then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said "Baa," I said "Moo," he said, "You’re closest."
I’m against hunting. In fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said "Did you get my drift?"
I went down the local supermarket and I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it," and he said "Those are pickled onions."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and thought, he’s trying to pull a fast one.
I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin."
I asked the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" and I said "I can’t make Tuesdays."
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years’ supply of Marmite. One jar.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.
I rang up British Telecom and said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." They said, "Not you again."
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot," and I said, "I’ll take that as a condiment."
Did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he’s a witch.
I was in Tesco and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins and I thought, "That’s a turtle disaster."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here!"
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal."
Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people’s person?
This isn’t an office, it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for - you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.
Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.
I work sixty hours a week to be this poor.
Nice perfume, but must you marinade in it?
Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
Wait, I’m just trying to imagine you with a personality.
You look like crap. Is that the style now?
Earth is full - go home.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Why don’t you try practising random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for thirty years.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
You are depriving some village of an idiot.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport!
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died…Dido must be shitting herself.
My parents are from Glasgow, which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child…well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ‘cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go, "What’s my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn’t listening…Self-raising?"
I saw that show, Fifty Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout For Help’.
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork…
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I’d like a job please." The hardware store owner says: "We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?" The dog replies, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I’ve already got one!"
It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.
If you’re being chased by a police dog try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said "Okay then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said "Baa," I said "Moo," he said, "You’re closest."
I’m against hunting. In fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said "Did you get my drift?"
I went down the local supermarket and I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it," and he said "Those are pickled onions."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and thought, he’s trying to pull a fast one.
I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin."
I asked the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" and I said "I can’t make Tuesdays."
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years’ supply of Marmite. One jar.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.
I rang up British Telecom and said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." They said, "Not you again."
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot," and I said, "I’ll take that as a condiment."
Did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he’s a witch.
I was in Tesco and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins and I thought, "That’s a turtle disaster."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here!"
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal."
Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people’s person?
This isn’t an office, it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for - you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.
Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.
I work sixty hours a week to be this poor.
Nice perfume, but must you marinade in it?
Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
Wait, I’m just trying to imagine you with a personality.
You look like crap. Is that the style now?
Earth is full - go home.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Why don’t you try practising random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for thirty years.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
You are depriving some village of an idiot.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport!
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died…Dido must be shitting herself.
My parents are from Glasgow, which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child…well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ‘cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go, "What’s my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn’t listening…Self-raising?"
I saw that show, Fifty Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout For Help’.
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork…
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I’d like a job please." The hardware store owner says: "We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?" The dog replies, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I’ve already got one!"
It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.
If you’re being chased by a police dog try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.