quiet bear has a dilemma

[quiet bear]

This will probably ramble.


For those who don't know already, I've been on a spiritual journey, but this may be more a psychological thing, I don't know.

Anyway, here it is. I keep a journal. I have kept a journal for years. It's a very important part of who I am, and helps keep my balance. It's also a very good reasoning tool, because the only person you're reasoning with is yourself. There's no dog and pony show, no adapting to someone else. you can really look past what everyone else sees. You can look back two years, a year and see where you were, see if you've grown as a person, or figured anything out about yourself. Maybe something will make better sense because you've learned since you wrote that. Perspective, a little deeper introspect. You never know what you might find. You even remember the mood you were in when you wrote it.

Sometimes, you can read something you wrote a long time ago and find the last piece of something you've been exploring about yourself.

But anyway, I'm getting off topic.

I have a friend. I've known her for 16 years, and we are spiritually on the same plane 95% of the time. But she threw me last week, when she told me she read my journal.

She was so broken down when she told me, I forgave her right away. I know her heart was hurt over it, and that she'd had her own struggle before she told me. I don't know how long ago she read it. I didn't ask. It's not important.

Now here is my dilemma. I can't write in my journal. The thing is, I don't know why. It's becoming a block for me.



It's been sitting on my desk for two weeks. I don't know why.

It's not my friend. I forgave her, and I meant it. She's the best person I ever met, and what got her was curiosity, not anything shady or bad. She's good all the way through.

I have been troubled with this for two weeks, until I finally decided to smudge on Tuesday. I'll tell you, it was so productive. It wasn't a meditative smudge, it was what I call a working smudge, where you go about what you're doing while the spirit fills the room. It was so peaceful and I had such a good aura, that I hated for it to end. I ended up smudging last night (it still wasn't out of my system) as well, and got my symbol painted on the head of my drum.

It was truly, truly satisfying, spiritually. I felt like my essence just opened up and flowed. Painting my symbol was unexpectedly gratifying, freeing, and validating. I've been spiritually at true peace (well as close as I've ever experienced anyway), for the last two days, and in a new way I hadn't experienced before.

Smudging and painting was more expressive than anything I could have written in my journal.

My concern there is, yea, THIS time you had another outlet, but...


Why am I not able to write?

Is it because the journal is tainted?

That it's not my own private thing anymore?

I mean, it's not who read it. That, like when she read it, isn't important. ANYBODY could have read it.

I bought another journal, wrote in it twice, and now it's at the bottom of my work bag. Just not right.

Sorry for going on so long. I guess if I had a journal, I could have written all of this in there. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

[Ensign Steve]

You may have forgiven your friend, but you still need to forgive your journal, which totally betrayed your confidence. I wouldn't worry about it so much after just two weeks. I imagine that over time it will come back. Like you said, you've been journaling for years and it's a very important part of who you are. I don't imagine you could lose something that important just like that. Relax, keep smudging and doing your other outlets, and give yourself and your journal a break for a little while. Keep trying like you have been, without forcing it, and when you're ready it'll just happen, I'm sure. Just be careful don't let the forum become a permanent replacement! It's not nearly the same.

[quiet bear]

Forgive the journal. That's interesting. I never looked at it from that angle.

I had a thought while I was brushing my teeth. It doesn't change me. I'm still who I always was, you know?

[Ensign Steve]

I often have thoughts while brushing my teeth. :yup:

[Legs]

It's like your flow of thoughts and words is stemmed now, your privacy was shattered. Your writings were your own and should never been read :(

Are you embarrassed that this person knows your inner thoughts? is there something concerning you about what she saw in there? You may have forgiven her, but can you forget? has this changed your relationship & trust?

[RareBear]

You were violated figuratively speaking and your world--or at least your relationship with yourself--has been thrown a huge unexpected curve. Apparently you didn't have a contingency plan for such a thing so it came as a surprise--probably one that's bigger than you could understand and adjust to in short order. I understand this kind of thing. It happened to me more than once in similar ways. But perhaps the worst thing you can do is rationalize and give yourself permission to abandon something that is obviously important to you and good for you. You have been injured even if your nature tends to want to minimize, deny or trivialize it. I suggest accepting the fact and then doing the only thing you can to overcome it--fight yourself, fight WEAKNESS. Your relationship with yourself may never quite be the same as it was--you just have to soldier on with the scars. That sucks but that's how life is.

[quiet bear]

Legs:

No, it has nothing to do with that. She knows more about me than anyone.

I would never be embarrassed about who I am.

You know, it may be that someone's seen more than I want. Not her, but anybody, you know?


RareBear:

I've thought about that. I think I already know that that chapter is closed, so to speak. i'm just dealing with the fact that I'm going to have to start a new one, like maybe I'm not sure if that one was done yet. Maybe I'm being given a nudge to start a new leg. The possibilities of hope are there.

'Violated' is a word that didn't occur to me. I know there are lots of interpretations for it, and I always associate that word with violence. This wasn't violent, this was...surreal.

[Legs]

I'm not sure it will ever be the same again for you, writing in your journal, maybe the outside world has contaminated it. I agree with ES though, to just give it some time and see if it all resolves itself, let us know.

[California Tanker]

Close the journal book. Put it on a shelf.

Start a new journal book. Chapter 2.

NTM

[Petra]

Everything changes. Just because you've always written a journal, doesn't mean you always must write one. Maybe it's time for a more visual arts expression, one that can freely be shared with everyone on some level. People closer to you can grasp the more hidden layers of the piece, and you only can know the even deeper meanings and emotions held by the piece. Then, when you're ready to write a journal again, you will and it will be the right time. Everything in balance, everything as it should be. :)

[IRON MAN]

Yeah I'll go with Pepper on this one Bear, even though I don't have a freakin' clue about all that spiritual/mystical shit you're crapping on about. Maybe you're just over it, and your friend was some kind of catalyst.

I'm not bringing up IIDB to take another shot at them, but I knew I was way over that before that ended.

I went there specifically to learn about atheism, and gradually went through a process of deconversion. At about the same time I got around to changing my profile to, "Strong Atheist", I kinda knew I was done and ready to move on.

I probably wouldn't have as quickly as I did, had circumstances not precipitated it, but in retrospect I'm glad I did sooner rather than later.

What was really freaking me out was the fact that I was starting to disagree with diana's posts - she's my hero because it was her website that got be started researching atheism in the first place. Most of you guys would not have seen my posts at IIDB thanking her from the bottom of my heart - she really saved me from a lifetime of agnostic wandering, and even she doesn't know to what extent that affected my life. I love her to death, but I was kinda starting to feel like I did growing up when I realised my parents didn't know everything, (sorry pd).

In other words, it had run it's course. It was time to move on.

I loved it when I came here and had a whole new social substrate to work within, (while still retaining the familiarity of vBulletin). And I haven't done anything visually artistic just for the sake of it for ... well too long ... so I really loved screwing around on that avatar thread. That felt great - really got my creativity going like when I was a kid.

And I disagree that FF shouldn't replace your journal. I can't speak for you, but I could never keep a journal for the love of trying, but I can always look back through my threads and know what I was thinking. Plus it's interactive which is way cooler in my opinion. I'm kind of proud of the fact that my entire deconversion is on record at IIDB, even though some of my early posts are downright embarrassing.

To put it in hippie Buddha-stroking incense burning terms - maybe you have just reached some stage of enlightenment or some shit, and you've got all you're gonna get out of the method you have been using, so you need to change tack to move ahead.

[Plant Woman]

I think others covered reasons you may not want to write. So I will just cover how to write when you feel blocked.

I sit down with paper in hand and take a sentence or start line, can be from a book, something you heard, anything. If you don't want to do that in your journal do it on some loose leaf paper. Just write it down and then start writing what ever comes to your mind. Don't worry if it's incoherant, or just rambling, keep the pen moving at all times, even if you have to name things in the room. And don't worry about the words, just write. Pretty soon your monkey brain stops trying to control it and you get into that stream of consciousness I like to call the scream of consciousness. Some good writing, thoughts etc can come from that place. It really is an exploration of your mind.

Try that and see if that helps you get over your journal writing block. (I really think it may be that at some level you may feel a betrayal that your private words were exposed to someone.) It might help you to hide your journal for awhile until you get past this problem.

[slimshady2357]

What is 'smudging'?

and

How come everyone here seems to know what 'smudging' is?

[ceptimus]

I didn't know either, slim. I just googled it.

smudging (http://www.crystalinks.com/smudging.html)

[slimshady2357]

I didn't know either, slim. I just googled it.

smudging (http://www.crystalinks.com/smudging.html)

Ah, I see.

Thanks cep.

[quiet bear]

Maybe it's time for a more visual arts expression, one that can freely be shared with everyone on some level. People closer to you can grasp the more hidden layers of the piece, and you only can know the even deeper meanings and emotions held by the piece.

This is a thought that terrifies me. LOL. I'm a pretty fair hand with a pencil, but it's rare I do anything artistic. Someone asked me once why I do 'do my artwork' like I used to. I thought about that for days, and finally, it dawned on me: I don't want people to see what I'm thinking. There are ways I express myself that people can see, however. I've been playing the congas for a few months now, and that is very expressive, for me anyway. It's also a wonderful primal self recognition.

As far as starting a new journal, yes, I know that's what I'm going to have to do. I couldn't imagine not having something that cathartic in my life.


thanks everyone, for your advice. I feel better, getting it written out. I am not one to ask for advice, especially about matters so private. But, I have been around you folks long enough to respect and trust your opinions. Plus, it's a safe way for a socially stunted person such as myself to talk to people without actually having to let them in my space. LOL.

Thanks again.

[IRON MAN]

This is a thought that terrifies me. LOL. I'm a pretty fair hand with a pencil, but it's rare I do anything artistic. Someone asked me once why I do 'do my artwork' like I used to. I thought about that for days, and finally, it dawned on me: I don't want people to see what I'm thinking. There are ways I express myself that people can see, however.

It's amazing how few people verbalise this. Creating art of any kind requires that you reveal something about yourself. It can be a bit unsettling sometimes. One of my major mental blocks when writing song lyrics.

I've been playing the congas for a few months now, and that is very expressive, for me anyway. It's also a wonderful primal self recognition.

Primal self recognition? Christ you really are into that meditate-and-commune-with-the-universe stuff full-on huh?

[California Tanker]

I don't think -not- keeping a journal is really a good decision. I am extremely happy I've kept one of all my military experiences in the US, but a little less pleased that I didn't think to keep one in Ireland. It can be a hell of a resource.

NTM

[Petra]

I've often wished I'd written diaries throughout my life. But I'm too undisciplined to start with. And oh, Christ! if someone were ever to read them! :eek:

I've already said far too much on teh internets, sometimes! :woopsie:

[RareBear]

Legs:

...
RareBear:

...'Violated' is a word that didn't occur to me. I know there are lots of interpretations for it, and I always associate that word with violence. This wasn't violent, this was...surreal.

That's why I qualified my remark as "figuratively speaking". The result is pretty much the same whether it was violent or "surreal". It was apparently a big "disturbance" from which one cannot return to the same sense of security and calm as if it never happened. The recommendation also remains the same: find ways to create new positives to push the negative into a diminishing place in the past.

[Carnivale Ed]

Forgive the journal. That's interesting. I never looked at it from that angle.
Please don't start now, it's silly. The journal is just a thing and has no motivation or agenda. The only thing it does have is significance to you because you choose to grant it such. Perhaps you should forgive yourself for leaving something so personal so easily accessible to others. If you value your thoughts, take care of them.

[Dingfod]

Did I write the OP? Well, I could have. Anyway, since I really haven't continued to keep a journal up like I was, I'm in the same place, plus a year or so.

I'm curious though, how did your friend come across your journal? What compelled them to read it?

[Sock Puppet]

I'm wondering, q-b, do you perform a consecration ritual when you start a new journal? Given that there is a ceremonial aspect to some of your meditation practices, perhaps you should. It would elevate the status of the journal to a sacred object, and make writing in it unique, rather than just the "here we go again" feeling you might be getting during your recent attempts to write. You can even carry the sacred-object status even further, by not letting anyone see so much as the outside cover.

[Plant Woman]

You can journal on your computer and protect it with a password. Although I think writing by hand seems more connected than typing something out; however, everyone writes differently, I prefer to write by hand. So I write it out, and then type it onto the computer.

You could write it, type it, then ceremoniously burn the hand written one, like a purge! :)

[Dingfod]

You can journal on your computer and protect it with a password.You can password protect the individual Word file.

[lisarea]

This might seem overly simplistic, because I am overly simplistic, but if I want to motivate myself to do something, I try to think of something that'll motivate me, which is usually some kind of new thing to play with.

I dunno. A Moleskine notebook, a fountain pen or a space pen or different colored inks or something. Or maybe a whole new medium, like a TiddlyWiki or something.

Just on the off chance that you're as superficial and silly and psychologically manipulatable as I am.

[yguy]

You may have forgiven your friend, but you still need to forgive your journal, which totally betrayed your confidence.

When I'm Emperor, posting under the influence of intoxicants will be a capital offense. :tongue:

[quiet bear]

Wow. There are a lot of thoughts in here.

I will write later, after I read some more. I have a lot of thoughts on everyone's thoughts. LOL. I don't want to skip any.

I will say this, though. I decided today to smudge my journal and put it away. I mean, those are observations and discoveries and 'a-ha' moments. Sketches and two sentence poems. (well, they're poems to me, I understand what they mean). There is one 6 month period where I blossomed a little bit, spiritually. It was a very peaceful, yet exciting summer for me, on the inside. It comes through in the way I wrote then. I like having that time on record.

I'll keep it and read it once in a while, for sure. It's part of my journey, and you can't erase the path you've left behind you.

[quiet bear]

Primal self recognition? Christ you really are into that meditate-and-commune-with-the-universe stuff full-on huh?


Well, I wouldn't call it commune. More like, learning to recognize its value. As far as primal self, I, through my travels, have discovered people have a spiritual self, and intellectual self, and a primal self. I've been actively pursuing a balance between the three. To me, that is where true peace and calm lie. I've attained moments of true balance, and they are really tough to explain. It sometimes lasts for the length of a meditation, sometimes longer. This past week, I had a good, I mean really good vibe for almost two days. It's perfect balance. I am hesitant to say just how far I went, because I am not really sure how far there is to go, so I have no yardstick to go by, except for where I've previously been.

I've often wished I'd written diaries throughout my life. But I'm too undisciplined to start with. And oh, Christ! if someone were ever to read them!

I had a really hard time getting started. But, once I got over the fear of 'someone reading it', I became more relaxed and wrote more. Another thing is, sometimes people feel each entry must be something of value, some deep revelation. It doesn't. One sentence sometimes, or just a thought, anything. Doesn't even really have to make sense. Just write what you're thinking, or feeling, no matter how foolish it may seem to you.

Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking they MUST write in their journal every day, and it becomes a chore. I will pick mine up and open it, and maybe write the date, but whether or not anything gets written, I couldn't say. But you know what? It's my journal, I can write or not write in it if I want.

I'm curious though, how did your friend come across your journal? What compelled them to read it?

I really couldn't say. I never asked how long ago she read it, or how much. It's been all over my house, in my packpack when I go hiking, my workbag, everywhere. She may very well have picked it up off the end table, not knowing what it was, you know? It's not marked or anything. What compelled her, again, I really couldn't say.

I'm wondering, q-b, do you perform a consecration ritual when you start a new journal? Given that there is a ceremonial aspect to some of your meditation practices, perhaps you should. It would elevate the status of the journal to a sacred object, and make writing in it unique, rather than just the "here we go again" feeling you might be getting during your recent attempts to write. You can even carry the sacred-object status even further, by not letting anyone see so much as the outside cover.

No, I never performed a smudge on my journal, until now. When I bought it, I never knew just how much it would come to be a part of me. Now though, I am going to smudge it tonight, when I set my clock back, I'll use that extra piece of time for something special.

Although I think writing by hand seems more connected than typing something out; however, everyone writes differently, I prefer to write by hand.

Yes, writing things by hand, for me, is much more productive. Plus, I'm a firm believer that, by writing by hand, your mind works differently than when typing. It does for me anyway. My thoughts seem to be more acute. Plus, I doodle a lot, as well.

Moleskine notebook, a fountain pen or a space pen or different colored inks or something. Or maybe a whole new medium, like a TiddlyWiki or something.

Just on the off chance that you're as superficial and silly and psychologically manipulatable as I am.

You know, this is one aspect that I am sort of excited about. Picking out a new journal. And, I don't think it's silly and superficial. I have a certain type of pen I always use to write with. But, it's not a hard and fast thing I stick to. There are entries done with other pens, which is no big deal.