One year

[One for Sorrow]

May 26th, 2004

[23:42] WinAce: Sigh. I so don't want to be unable to log on for the next few weeks.
[23:43] Jessica: Why won't you be able to log on?
[23:43] WinAce: ... There's probably something I need to tell you about that...
[23:44] Jessica: okay...then tell me.
[23:44] WinAce: I hope you can handle bad news well.
[23:44] WinAce: I have a lung illness... and sometimes I get very sick and need to be hospitalized.
[23:45] WinAce: Phew... that's quite the revelation. Sorry
[23:47] WinAce: Hope I didn't scare you off.
[23:47] Jessica: I hope you're coping with it well. Would you like to talk more about it?
[23:47] Jessica: What do you have?
[23:48] WinAce: I'm coping... well, as I've always coped... and I very much appreciate the offer.
[23:48] WinAce: Have you ever heard of cystic fibrosis, by any chance?
[23:49] Jessica: yes I've heard of it.
[23:49] WinAce: It's not the worst one, I suppose.
[23:50] WinAce: I'm sorry I had to break it to you like that... but I don't think I would have done well to keep it hidden any longer.
[23:52] Jessica: thank you for your honesty.
[23:52] WinAce: Thanks for not yelling at me. ;)
[23:53] Jessica: why would I yell at you?
[23:54] WinAce: I'm not particularly good at breaking bad news to others. I never quite learned to handle it well. And I wouldn't want to hurt anyone I consider a good friend if I could avoid it. So I'm always concerned about being too blunt or such. But I'm very glad you understand.
[23:55] WinAce: In case I vanish from the net for a few weeks, now you know why..


Three years ago, I wasn’t one to believe in that fairy tale of love—that myth of having an immediate connection with one special someone and being irrevocably swept away--not in any short time span, at least. No, I was far more sensible. Love had to be cultivated. A connection could be there, but trust, and getting to know one another, took a while. Anyone who claimed to have found love within a week and a half had at least one screw loose, and possibly the entire Home Depot hardware aisle rattling about in their heads. But, life has a way of shattering even our most deeply held convictions. Perhaps it’s not as unusual as I had thought to fall in love so quickly, or perhaps it’s because we’d have so little time together, but it happened to me in just the span of ten days.

“Have you heard of cystic fibrosis, by any chance?” Those words, the words I knew were coming despite my conscious efforts to ignore the hints Allan had dropped so many times, nevertheless blindsided me. They stared, patiently awaiting a response, as my cursor trembled in AOL Instant Message screen. “Fuck!” was my immediate response, said aloud rather than typed. I fought the rising panic. Yes, I had heard of it, but what of it? What I knew of cystic fibrosis came only from a couple of sources, a Dateline special about a young woman who had it, and an episode of Touched by an Angel which I had caught once by accident. I must have lost the TV remote that day, since I usually avoided shows with religious overtones and overt attempts to pull at the heartstrings. That particular episode guest-starred Winona Judd, to boot. What I knew of CF was limited, and my first thought was that my best friend had just told me that he was going to die. It took me by surprise that I already thought of him as that, because in truth I knew him as little more than a screen name, and through the previous ten days that had been spent with incessant flirting. I never assumed we’d meet; Allan and I lived on opposite sides of the country. However, I’d never had more enjoyable conversations with anyone. At his revelation, a portion of my life stretched out before me, its length unknown but with our lives converging, and the reason we’d eventually part. We would be together, and I knew this in an instant. His question continued staring me down as I struggled to think of an appropriate response while simultaneously trying to explain to my dad why I had woken him up with an expletive, and Googling cystic fibrosis in another window. Knowing that the length of time that had passed since Allan typed those words must have seemed like an eternity, and cursing life again that it didn’t come with a script, I responded with simply, “Yes, I’ve heard of it.” Our conversation continued, awkward, halting, and he told me that he might be going into the hospital soon. His reassurances were of little use; I was terrified for him. The moment he hinted at wanting to be able to stay in touch if he was hospitalized, I leapt at the opportunity. Losing contact with him for a couple of weeks or longer, especially under those circumstances and not knowing whether or not he was okay, would have been some strange sort of torture. He gave me an e-mail address that he’d be able to check, and I promised him I’d call if he’d send me his room’s phone number. We spoke for a few minutes longer, then grudgingly said goodnight, as we were well into the early AM hours.

My dad came into the room to give his own reassurances. “At least,” my dad offered, “he told you before you fell in love with him or something.” I bristled. The idea of withholding affection for someone based on their health status was extremely offensive. Knowing of his illness meant only that I’d worry more about him, and for good reason. It would be to my own detriment to hold back on a relationship, friendship or otherwise, with the best person I’d ever met. Second, it was too late. After just ten days of knowing Allan, it was already too late. It had all been set in motion with that first joyous IM. My dad flipped the light switch as he exited the room, and told me to get some sleep. I rolled over to face the wall, and waited for the first rays of light to break the slumber of the world.

[livius drusus]

Oh, Jess... That's so moving and beautifully written. If it's ever a book, you've got one guaranteed fan right here. :hug:

[Smilin]

Winace was special to everyone, including me, Jessica.

I never got the opportunity to tell him that either.

That's the saddest part of the whole deal to me.

[chick]

:(

[MonCapitan2002]

It was beautifully written. I still miss the guy. I am honored to have met him in person once.

[viscousmemories]

Thank you for writing that, Jess. :hug:

[pescifish]

Gosh, OFS, your words just brought back that summer in a rush. It was no small thing that your friendship and burgeoning love for him gave him the strength to share his illness with you and then with the rest of us.

It is wonderful that you have written this and have been so generous in posting here! :huggle:

[freemonkey]

{{{Jess}}} :huggle:

[Petra]

Oh, boy. That choked me up, Jess. Beautiful. And so very sad. :(

[Ymir's blood]

Jess :hug:

[Sauron]

Sorry Jess....

:allglomp:

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

:hugme: :bunglomp:

Thanks for that beautiful post, Jess. I miss him too. :(

[LadyShea]

I've been thinking about you all day Jess. Thanks for sharing with us

[Petra]

Jess, I had to clean out my PM's to make some room, so I thought I'd start on the last page, which goes back to 2004.

I found this:


Meeting Jess was amazing. I wasn't as nervous as I could have been. We both wanted to see each other for months, were closer than to anyone else, and I don't remember looking forward to anything as much in my life. So instead of worrying, I was blissfully expectant... I did everything possible to alleviate her nervousness, though I suspect she didn't have that much, either.

Aside from a few silly things I did (which we both laughed at), yes, it felt like I had known her for years already! It's probably my illness. When one party to a relationship might literally be dying, it tends to put all other issues in perspective. And I knew how mature she was, so it's not like I feared she would say "Ew, you're ugly [or too short, or something] in person, I'm going home!"

The first few days, however, I got the impression she was often visibly distressed or saddened, and this coincided with the times something on TV, a call, etc. reminded me of illness... so that was likely what she was thinking of when that glowing smile temporarily vanished. I wish I didn't have to put her through that, but since I can't change it, having her to lean on in hard times is truly wonderful.

I want to see her again in November. She's busy at college for now, but I can visit her this time, assuming no health issues come up and I can sort out all the rest of that crap. We've discussed plans to eventually move together, as I have no doubt I could happily spend my life together with her.


You were his strength, Jess, and you turned his far-too-brief life around. You're amazing. And so was he.

:smilehug:

[Julie]

Allan has been in my thought all day today Jess, as have you.

(((hugs)))

[fragment]

:cheerhug:

THanks for sharing that, Jess.

[Roland98]

:( That was beautifu, Jess. He is so missed.

[D. Scarlatti]

A very touching remembrance, OfS. WinAce was the best.

[One for Sorrow]

Thank you. I know how much he was loved here, too, and how much he is missed. All of our mutual friends are online... we didn't meet many people here in North Carolina. It's only really you guys who knew him as I did--as the sarcastic, witty, and sweet young man who was taken away from all of us way too soon.

Thank you so much for posting that IM, pepperspray. I really love reading what he wrote, and if anyone else has dialogs with him they'd be willing to share, or favorite quotes, please post them.

[Veritas]

You know what, this thread restores my faith in love. It really does exist.

:cry:

[One for Sorrow]

It was months later before I learned of how hesitant he had been to share the knowledge of his illness with us. In a "Dear Abby" type thread on a now-defunct private message board, he asked for advice. The date stamp of the post showed May 27th, 2004--the day after Allan told me he had CF, but he thought he had posted the question before that revelation. I'll never know for sure.

Reposted with permission from Annabel Lee.

Dear Annabel,

What is the best course of action if you have a secret that (1) if revealed, would irrevocably alter your friends' perception of (and possibly opinion of) yourself; and (2) cannot reasonably be hidden on any closer interaction than anonymous Internet posting? Let's say one has fathered and abandoned an illegitimate child, or brutally murdered someone, or was a Heroin addict, or had a deadly illness, or been paralyzed from the neck down in Gulf War I, or even shamelessly and ruthlessly ripped off old people's bank accounts in an Enron-like scam... something that you couldn't keep hidden forever from your friends, and that might not be the most flattering fact to reveal... In such a scenario, is it better to tell all from the outset and hope for the best, share that fact only with a trusted inner circle of friends least likely to balk at it, or maintain a complete, stonewalled veil of silence (avoiding any contact close enough to inadvertently reveal it) until the inevitable (and ugly) expose?

Sincerely,
Eerily Mysterious in NY


Dear Eerily Mysterious in NY,

We all have secrets, some deeper than others. We are names, avatars, and opinions on a messageboard. Yet somehow we manage to touch another human being. We worry about, grieve for, hope with and even love these anonymous names on a messageboard. I think it's because we are our thoughts. This internet connection is the purest form of communication.
I can't talk to my RL friends the way I talk to my online friends.

Your real friends, the ones that truly matter... will stay your friends no matter what.

Love,
Your Friend Annabel



Hi Winace,

Since I read your posts from last night I can't help thinking about this movie, "Jack" with Robin Williams.

Jack has a condition that caused his body to age four times faster than normal.
His teacher, played by Bill Cosby, compared Jack to a shooting star.
We 'regular' people are merely stars shining steadily in the sky, but occasionally a rare shooting star comes into our lives.

And we look up into the sky and we know that it's life is short but it's so beautiful. We don't want to miss it!

"You're a shooting star amongst ordinary stars... A shooting star passes quickly, but, while it's here, it's the most beautiful thing you'd ever want to see." -Bill Cosby as Mr. Woodruff

"When a shooting star streaks through the blackness turning night into day, make a wish and make your life spectacular. I know I did." -Robin Williams as Jack

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

Jess, he would often IM me asking "Hey, what do you think of <this>?" or "Would most girls go for something like this?" He wanted nothing more than to make you deliriously happy.

I have a few saved IMs of the two of us just bullshitting. Here's a few good ones.

WinAceSE: did you see how juiblex tricked a clueless newbie into disconnecting herself by unplugging the computer?
CynicalChick3125: no
WinAceSE: [07:15] <WinAce> Don't tell her how to keep her computer safe!
[07:15] <@juiblex> yeah, i'm afraid winace hates apologies though
[07:15] <@juiblex> winace, shut up, it's not fair of you to do this to her
[07:15] <WinAce> true
[07:15] <@juiblex> ok, you need to find the plug which connects your computer to the power
[07:15] <WinAce> but I never claimed to be fair. Just... efficient
[07:15] <@juiblex> and i want you to pull it out
[07:16] <@juiblex> and don't put it back for the next 24 hours
[07:16] <@juiblex> it's either that, or your computer gets damaged beyond repair
[07:16] * Quits: Allan_rijarei (Quit: Allan_rijarei)
[07:16] <@juiblex> sweet
[07:16] <Novowels> heh
[07:17] <WinAce> ''''''''''''''''''''''
[07:17] <WinAce> ......................
[07:17] <WinAce> ......
[07:17] <WinAce> That's GOTTA be immortalized in the quotes page.
CynicalChick3125: I LOVE YOU EGGS EGGS
CynicalChick3125: HAH
CynicalChick3125: When did this happen?
WinAceSE: Yesterday, I think
CynicalChick3125: oh
CynicalChick3125: Is it in the QDB yet?
WinAceSE: no, there was so much good stuff from that newbie
CynicalChick3125: pj
CynicalChick3125: *oh
WinAceSE: she had a crush on me; juiblex tricked her into thinking I was gay, and WinAce/Allan were boyfriends
CynicalChick3125: Oh. Her.
WinAceSE: ... you were there?
CynicalChick3125: No, but I heard about it.
WinAceSE: http://www.lordcocentre.com/Stores/beaver/199.ht ml
CynicalChick3125: o.o
CynicalChick3125: You are SO going to hell.
WinAceSE: Me?!
WinAceSE: Tracer made it!
WinAceSE: :-P
CynicalChick3125: ?
CynicalChick3125: oh
CynicalChick3125: lol
WinAceSE: Tracer from II had that idea
CynicalChick3125: ahhh
WinAceSE: But I guess my DIY abortion kit is good enough for me to go to hell already :-P
CynicalChick3125: omg
CynicalChick3125: lol
CynicalChick3125: Show me.
WinAceSE: you may have seen it, but ok
WinAceSE: http://www.lordcocentre.com/Stores/pharm/138.ht ml
CynicalChick3125: oh
CynicalChick3125: :p
WinAceSE: the original I submitted had "before" and "after" pictures :-P
CynicalChick3125: o.o

This one really, really breaks my heart:
WinAceSE: :-(
CynicalChick3125: What's wrong?
CynicalChick3125: She leave today?
WinAceSE: yes
CynicalChick3125: *hug*
CynicalChick3125: So, how was it?
WinAceSE: wonderful
WinAceSE: we had so much fun. we ate Chinese at one of the best of those restaraunts in NY. we saw Mamma Mia, a great Broadway show. we ate some steaks at Waldorf Astoria's Bull and Bear restaraunt; drank two strawberry daquiris and stuffed ourselves with the buffet at the rotating bar/cafe on floor 48 of Marriot's hotel overlooking the city at night; saw the Metropolitan Opera's stunning rendition of Bizet's Carmen; Went on a riverboat tour of Manhattan with her dad; ate at a Russian restaraunt with a really cool atmosphere and entertainment; saw Spiderman II in an IMAX theater, and saw that Chinese movie, Hero (which we both laughed at throughout, it was pretty bad). we also WATCHED A TON OF FAMILY GUY, MARRIED... with CHILDREN and other assorted stuff, both on tape and off. And cuddled. Alot. But not nearly enough. We also went to the beach and spent a couple of hours walking along the promenade as the sun set, where I kinda slipped a big ring on her finger... (with pearl. To go with the necklace I put on her earlier... But I think it'll foreshadow the real one nicely.)
CynicalChick3125: Awww.
CynicalChick3125: :-)
WinAceSE is idle at 1:49:02 AM.
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 1:50:16 AM.
WinAceSE is idle at 1:50:56 AM.
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 1:52:18 AM.
WinAceSE: yes
WinAceSE: but now I miss her and will whine at you
WinAceSE: :-P
WinAceSE: and everyone else
WinAceSE: oh, and http://secularlife.org/infidelchat/quotes/view.cgi?qu ote=198
CynicalChick3125: hold on
WinAceSE is idle at 2:14:18 AM.
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 2:15:41 AM.
WinAceSE is idle at 2:17:40 AM.
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 2:18:44 AM.
WinAceSE is idle at 2:20:34 AM.
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 2:29:55 AM.
WinAceSE: oh, and I replied at that HH topic
CynicalChick3125: ok
CynicalChick3125: :-)
WinAceSE is away at 2:31:48 AM.
WinAceSE: yes
WinAceSE: seen those four pics of me and her yet I uploaded?
CynicalChick3125: no Auto response from WinAceSE: I am currently away from the computer.
WinAceSE: oops
WinAceSE: http://users.rcn.com/rostmd/winace/pics/jess-al/
WinAceSE: we have dozens more
CynicalChick3125: ok
CynicalChick3125: :-)
WinAceSE: these are just from the first few days
CynicalChick3125: lemme see
WinAceSE: rather, one night
WinAceSE: dinner and dancing at the Russian restaraunt "National"
CynicalChick3125: Aww, y'all are so cute
CynicalChick3125: So you're not doing the surgery?
CynicalChick3125: :-(
WinAceSE: err
WinAceSE: I plan to
CynicalChick3125: oh
CynicalChick3125: Hm.
WinAceSE: heh. so many people got confused by my post
CynicalChick3125: Well, that's good
CynicalChick3125: heh
WinAceSE: And Ithought it was clear
WinAceSE: I felt better than I have in months when Jess was here. A few days before her visit, I just told my doc to stuff it and stop those nausea-causing drugs, more or less. And oddly enough, I didn't get really ill. (I felt like it at first. The nausea was a true killer; I'd actually trade it in for just being sick.) I'm still on those Bactrim pills that I took since then--which is a very benign antibiotic they give to kiddies, oddly enough. And this is after I had that perpetually annoying untreatable infection that kept coming back if I so much as crossed a leg the wrong way

These poems he chose are particularly relevant:
WinAceSE: mmm, good poem
http://www.web-books.com/Classics/Poetry/Anthology/Keats/W hen.htm
CynicalChick3125: *melt*
WinAceSE: indeed
WinAceSE: damnit
WinAceSE: stupid poems
WinAceSE: http://www.web-books.com/Classics/Poetry/Anthology/Bronte/A nne_Remini.htm
:-(
WinAceSE: that made me cry....
CynicalChick3125: brb
CynicalChick3125: Now I'm depressed
CynicalChick3125: Bastard:-P
WinAceSE: I'm sorry :-(
CynicalChick3125: ;-)

CynicalChick3125: What's up?
WinAceSE: nothing
WinAceSE is idle at 4:38:59 PM.
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 4:39:29 PM.
WinAceSE: I'm holding up
CynicalChick3125: Good.
CynicalChick3125: Is Jess holding up?
WinAceSE: trying to find out if my health care would cover going to Toronto General for a lung transplant
WinAceSE: then I could the spend in her home city when she moves
CynicalChick3125: I thought you said a transplant would make things worse.
CynicalChick3125: :-)
WinAceSE: It likely will.
WinAceSE: But if I can take that chance and still be with her now, I will.
CynicalChick3125: AWw.
WinAceSE: Because the net effect of getting a transplant will probably not be worse than letting these lungs continue deteriorating.
WinAceSE: It's not gonna be pretty.
CynicalChick3125: :-(
WinAceSE: oxygen around the clock, IV antibiotics the same, constantly throwing up and being unable to sleep, etc.
WinAceSE: They give people with this illness morphine by the end
CynicalChick3125: :-(
CynicalChick3125: Well, that's good.
WinAceSE: At least she'll remember me fondly
CynicalChick3125: *cries*
WinAceSE: bbl.
WinAceSE: blood test.
CynicalChick3125: k
WinAceSE is idle at 4:50:44 PM.
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 5:00:49 PM.
WinAceSE: well, that was two perfectly ruined veins
WinAceSE: back in a bit. more to come
CynicalChick3125: *sigh*
WinAceSE: http://www.bash.org/?207373
WinAceSE: someone sent me

From that first, fateful meeting:
CynicalChick3125: Well, what have you guys done so far?:-)
WinAceSE: See the "whoohoo!" topic in the Lounge
WinAceSE: we went to see Spiderman 2 in an IMAX theatre
WinAceSE: (eek! I'm using Canadian spelling!)
WinAceSE is no longer idle at 12:13:23 AM.
CynicalChick3125: :-)
CynicalChick3125: LOL
WinAceSE: and ate at this great chinese place near my mom's
WinAceSE: and went on a riverboat tour of Manhattan
WinAceSE: her father was in NY, and it was his birthday, so we dragged him along.
WinAceSE: He loved it too :-)
CynicalChick3125: :-)
WinAceSE: and took a bunch of pictures of us
CynicalChick3125: Share them.
CynicalChick3125: :-)
CynicalChick3125: At least with chat, or HH.
WinAceSE: Some of them are on Jess' digital camera
CynicalChick3125: ok
WinAceSE: the others are undeveloped film
CynicalChick3125: oh
WinAceSE: but yes
CynicalChick3125: :-)
WinAceSE: assuming she agrees to post them, sure thing
CynicalChick3125: cool
WinAceSE: and we watched a huge number of things on tape
CynicalChick3125: like?
CynicalChick3125: What's she like?:-)
WinAceSE: lots of Family Guys and several Married... with Childrens
WinAceSE: and she brought The Emperor's New Groove on tape along
CynicalChick3125: Yay
WinAceSE: Which part of her do you want me to describe? ';-P
CynicalChick3125: :-P
WinAceSE: she's wonderful
CynicalChick3125: Of course.
WinAceSE: Gorgeous, nice... attracted to me ;-)
CynicalChick3125: :-D
CynicalChick3125: Can't get much better than that.
WinAceSE: yes.
CynicalChick3125: Is she near?
WinAceSE: she's right by me :-)
CynicalChick3125: Hey Jess, tell me about him:-D
CynicalChick3125: I love you guys, you know. This is soo cute.
WinAceSE: Jess: He's great! Smart, has a sense of humor even more warped than mine..;-)
CynicalChick3125: Wow
WinAceSE: very cute, too :-)
CynicalChick3125: Aww.
CynicalChick3125: You know, I've done the online thing. I know how you guys are feeling.
CynicalChick3125: :-)
CynicalChick3125: Isn't it great, finally meeting?
WinAceSE: Both: HELL YEAH
CynicalChick3125: :-*
WinAceSE: soon enough. once this dang cold sore is fully dead ;-P
CynicalChick3125: heheh
CynicalChick3125: Anyways, this one chatter/IIer & I are starting to get along *really* well.
WinAceSE: ooh
CynicalChick3125: But he'll only consider a hook-up if we meet first.:'(
WinAceSE: met yet?
WinAceSE: oh
CynicalChick3125: Cross-country, like you guys.
CynicalChick3125: He's in SF.
WinAceSE: uh
WinAceSE: how can you hook up officially if you don't meet?
WinAceSE: or at least plan to, heh
CynicalChick3125: He said he would hook up, if we met.
CynicalChick3125: ;-)
WinAceSE: that might have simply been a thinly veiled plea for you to come over as soon as possible
CynicalChick3125: lol
CynicalChick3125: I'd love to.
CynicalChick3125: No car, though.
CynicalChick3125: So, what are y'all's weekend plans?
WinAceSE: dunno if I have any specific ones. Just doing stuff as the opportunity presents itself. If Spiderman 2 wasn't playing that time, we might have done something else, for example
CynicalChick3125: Ah, okay.
WinAceSE: today we were in all day ;-P
WinAceSE: ... And I can't say I miss the outside world :-P (-Al)
CynicalChick3125: Heh. Thought so.
WinAceSE: going for now
WinAceSE: probably won't be back later, but we'll see
WinAceSE: seeya
CynicalChick3125: adios:-)
WinAceSE is away at 12:33:12 AM. Auto response from WinAceSE: Allan and Jessica are having the time of their lives, but you can leave a message and we'll get back to you... whenever we feel like it

I miss him. :(

[JoeP]

{Jess}

[maddog]

Jess:

Thinking of you and Allan often, and most especially at this time of year. So it's a time of remembrance ... and love.

#1009

[Shake]

Thinking of you, Jess.

It was good to read some of his words both here and elsewhere. They still made me laugh. But then you remember that that wit is gone.

(((Jess)))

[Dingfod]

/me has wetted eyes

[Leesifer]

Jess. :huggle:

[Plant Woman]

:hug: