Petra
11-22-2004, 02:55 AM
http://www.listener.co.nz/default,2909.sm
Americans should be granted political asylum so that they can escape theirs.
Dearest Democrats,
These are trying times. Outnumbered in your home country by a vast midland who prefer theocracy, it might be time to consider moving. With talk of a new draft to pad out the ranks in Iraq, why not beat the rush and dodge Bush now? New Zealand would make a perfect home for those of you with liberal inclinations.
Fed up with being outnumbered by values-voting puritans? Here in a land we ironically call Godzone, we have had to tighten our Bible belts. Our fundamentalist heartland stretches from Rotorua all the way to the suburbs of the same city. Here, our religious Right is an object of humour, not alarm. Brian Tamaki's Destiny Church is not the same as that of Karl Rove.
The shame of bomb victims being hauled out of rubble in Afghanistan and Iraq (you should be warned that such images are screened here) will be yours to bear no longer. The only casualties the New Zealand Air Force is likely to inflict are those caused by old transport aircraft malfunctioning and falling from the sky. Even better, the virulent Fox News can only be watched late at night, alongside its spiritual soulmates in broadcasting: infomercials and televangelists.
Voting is also infinitely more civilised in this part of the world. When govern-ments started gaining office despite getting outpolled by the opposition, we changed our electoral system. Now, every vote counts and even the lunatic fringe enjoys credibility. Our Nader is Nandor, a fragrant addition to our Parliament, rather than a subject for festering division.
To be fair, you should be warned that, at least initially, there may be some hostility to your presence in this fair country, US-bashing having become something of a national sport these past four years. We place great value in the astute think-tank Monty Python, which notes: "We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's f---ing close to water." However, this ill-feeling is unlikely to last forever. Just ask the French.
Twenty years ago, when radiation from nuclear testing wafted towards our corner of the Pacific and French agents planted bombs, New Zealand happily developed francophobia. French breadsticks were renamed "Kiwi sticks", much like last year, when you renamed French fries (what we call "chips") "freedom fries". But now? We are happy to have our French bread buttered. Of course, if you are not willing to wait until antagonism subsides, you could always pretend to be Canadian, as we're not great at picking accents.
And living at the ends of both the Earth and associated distribution chains means that your new life will likely lag behind your old. But there is a silver lining to this late-arriving cloud. If you leave now, you will be able to catch that final, tear-jerking episode of Sex and the City all over again.
You should get in early, though, as there is something of a rush. Don Badman, Immigration New Zealand's man in the United States, says that the re-election of Bush has already generated a "flood" of interest. "In the weeks leading up to November 2, we were getting an average of 50 to 60 contacts a week," he says. In the three days following the election, his offices in San Francisco, Portland and Los Angeles had fielded more than 300 enquiries.
Badman goes on to note that "the people that are calling are mostly people New Zealand needs – health professionals, IT workers and teachers". All professions that know their War on Terror from their War on Iraq, and that also will be welcomed with open, desperate arms by employers in our tight labour market.
Last year, 5632 people emigrated from the US to settle permanently in New Zealand. (It can't be coincidence that two of the three countries that exceeded this total are the Bush-aligned Australia and the United Kingdom.) These numbers surely can be bettered. After all, out of 56,158,908 Democratic voters, there must be at least some with a valid passport.
Okay, some of you are hoping to leave the US without even moving house. Moby, the musician, asks in his blog, "Can't we have the breakaway republics of Northeast-istan and Pacific-stan?" Ayelet Walkman, author of Daughter's Keeper, writes on Salon that she is "hard at work drafting Articles of Secession for the Republic of California". But who are you kidding? You've got natural resources that Bush's buddies haven't exhausted yet.
Although claiming political asylum from a tyrannical regime won't wash at the moment, New Zealand gladly accepted Afghans fleeing an authoritarian theocracy. So who knows what the next four years will bring? For now, you'll have to navigate your way through our arcane immigration system, but you get points for having youth, an education and a fistful of US dollars. So, citizens of San Francisco and New York, give us your tired, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free.
Yours sincerely,
Matt Nippert
:D
Americans should be granted political asylum so that they can escape theirs.
Dearest Democrats,
These are trying times. Outnumbered in your home country by a vast midland who prefer theocracy, it might be time to consider moving. With talk of a new draft to pad out the ranks in Iraq, why not beat the rush and dodge Bush now? New Zealand would make a perfect home for those of you with liberal inclinations.
Fed up with being outnumbered by values-voting puritans? Here in a land we ironically call Godzone, we have had to tighten our Bible belts. Our fundamentalist heartland stretches from Rotorua all the way to the suburbs of the same city. Here, our religious Right is an object of humour, not alarm. Brian Tamaki's Destiny Church is not the same as that of Karl Rove.
The shame of bomb victims being hauled out of rubble in Afghanistan and Iraq (you should be warned that such images are screened here) will be yours to bear no longer. The only casualties the New Zealand Air Force is likely to inflict are those caused by old transport aircraft malfunctioning and falling from the sky. Even better, the virulent Fox News can only be watched late at night, alongside its spiritual soulmates in broadcasting: infomercials and televangelists.
Voting is also infinitely more civilised in this part of the world. When govern-ments started gaining office despite getting outpolled by the opposition, we changed our electoral system. Now, every vote counts and even the lunatic fringe enjoys credibility. Our Nader is Nandor, a fragrant addition to our Parliament, rather than a subject for festering division.
To be fair, you should be warned that, at least initially, there may be some hostility to your presence in this fair country, US-bashing having become something of a national sport these past four years. We place great value in the astute think-tank Monty Python, which notes: "We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's f---ing close to water." However, this ill-feeling is unlikely to last forever. Just ask the French.
Twenty years ago, when radiation from nuclear testing wafted towards our corner of the Pacific and French agents planted bombs, New Zealand happily developed francophobia. French breadsticks were renamed "Kiwi sticks", much like last year, when you renamed French fries (what we call "chips") "freedom fries". But now? We are happy to have our French bread buttered. Of course, if you are not willing to wait until antagonism subsides, you could always pretend to be Canadian, as we're not great at picking accents.
And living at the ends of both the Earth and associated distribution chains means that your new life will likely lag behind your old. But there is a silver lining to this late-arriving cloud. If you leave now, you will be able to catch that final, tear-jerking episode of Sex and the City all over again.
You should get in early, though, as there is something of a rush. Don Badman, Immigration New Zealand's man in the United States, says that the re-election of Bush has already generated a "flood" of interest. "In the weeks leading up to November 2, we were getting an average of 50 to 60 contacts a week," he says. In the three days following the election, his offices in San Francisco, Portland and Los Angeles had fielded more than 300 enquiries.
Badman goes on to note that "the people that are calling are mostly people New Zealand needs – health professionals, IT workers and teachers". All professions that know their War on Terror from their War on Iraq, and that also will be welcomed with open, desperate arms by employers in our tight labour market.
Last year, 5632 people emigrated from the US to settle permanently in New Zealand. (It can't be coincidence that two of the three countries that exceeded this total are the Bush-aligned Australia and the United Kingdom.) These numbers surely can be bettered. After all, out of 56,158,908 Democratic voters, there must be at least some with a valid passport.
Okay, some of you are hoping to leave the US without even moving house. Moby, the musician, asks in his blog, "Can't we have the breakaway republics of Northeast-istan and Pacific-stan?" Ayelet Walkman, author of Daughter's Keeper, writes on Salon that she is "hard at work drafting Articles of Secession for the Republic of California". But who are you kidding? You've got natural resources that Bush's buddies haven't exhausted yet.
Although claiming political asylum from a tyrannical regime won't wash at the moment, New Zealand gladly accepted Afghans fleeing an authoritarian theocracy. So who knows what the next four years will bring? For now, you'll have to navigate your way through our arcane immigration system, but you get points for having youth, an education and a fistful of US dollars. So, citizens of San Francisco and New York, give us your tired, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free.
Yours sincerely,
Matt Nippert
:D