Not sure how to deal with the sympathy: Thanksgiving with the in-laws

[LadyShea]

I have spoken to my parents extensively about the IVF, my feelings about infertility, my options going forward, etc., plus they know me and how I "function", so I have never had to deal with them making insensitive comments or spouting silly platitudes.

My in laws are a different story. Frankie has told them "the facts" and never really discussed things in depth with them, as they have not seemed receptive or interested and he's not one to discuss his feelings with anyone other than me. I spoke to one sister-in-law somewhat in depth, only to be met with "It's all part of a plan". Forgive me for not being comforted by the thought that this was all inflicted on me as part of some incomprehensible grand plan, one that also includes a woman with severe PPD cutting off her baby's arms.

Anyway, I don't think anybody is out to purposely hurt my feelings or cause me pain at a family gathering, but I know it's going to happen since they really just don't know what to say. Really, most people in this world can't just say "I'm sorry" and give a hurting person a hug...they don't feel it's enough for some reason, when it usually is plenty.

So I will have to deal with things like "When a door is closed a window opens", more "It's all part of a plan", "Maybe you just weren't meant to have children", "You want my kids?", etc. I really don't know right now how to handle it all. Should I just say "Thank you" or "I hope you're right" as I normally do when confronted with well meaning but clueless people? Should I educate them and share my feelings, which they may not be interested in? Should I have Frankie announce at the beginning that talk of the infertility/IVF failures is off limits entirely because it's all still so fresh?


Edited because I used purposefully rather than purposely. They aren't exactly synonyms are they?

[livius drusus]

That's a hard one. If it were me, I'd probably go with the deploying Frank to silence everyone before you even step into the room plan. At least that way the worst you'll get is the occasional soulfull look and they won't have to stress out thinking of what to say because I think you're right that people feel "I'm sorry" isn't enough.

Then again, my tastes tend towards the taciturn just by default, so I may not be the best judge. What if someone really wants to talk to you about it? I'd hate for them to feel bad.

[Roland98]

Should I have Frankie announce at the beginning that talk of the infertility/IVF failures is off limits entirely because it's all still so fresh?

Could he mention to his parents and sister, at least, that you'd both rather not discuss it, and ask them to subtly pass the word along? That might leave everyone feeling a bit less awkward than an announcement.

[Godless Dave]

Could he mention to his parents and sister, at least, that you'd both rather not discuss it, and ask them to subtly pass the word along? That might leave everyone feeling a bit less awkward than an announcement.

That sounds like the best plan to me.


"Next time let me try!" is the insensitive comment I would make to Frank in this situation.

[LadyShea]

"Next time let me try!" is the insensitive comment I would make to Frank in this situation.

LOL, I wonder if he's heard this? I have no idea what guys say to each other in this situation. The only one I have heard about is "Maybe you aren't doing it right"...I know all the damn comments made to women though.

[AspenMama]

Is it too late to say you're going out of town? :chin:

I used to find that copious amounts of wine were helpful with my now ex-inlaws.

Perhaps you could get a nasty ear infection so you can't hear anything?

That's all I've got...

[JoeP]

Definitely make it off limits.

And since they won't give you one ...

{{{{{{Brandi}}}}}

[wei yau]

I also like the idea of having Frank deploy a pre-emptive strike. If you wanted to get more pro-active about it, you could make a simple announcement yourself.

State that you appreciate their well-wishes and their support. That having all this family around is a wonderful way to celebrate the holiday, as you are reminded of all the many things you do have to be thankful for. And that rather than focusing on the IVF, it would be much better to appreciate each other for what you do have.

Or something like that...I'm not very good at this sort of thing and tend to ramble.

[LadyShea]

Aspen Mama...we are driving to Pueblo tonight which is where these people live, so "going out of town" won't work ;). Hey, if you're bored, maybe we can meet for coffee in the Springs? Call me if you are free on Saturday sometime and feel up to the drive down 888-579-1170 will find me on my cell phone.

Eldar, I liked your idea, dunno why you put yourself down, you always make a lot of sense to me.

[wei yau]

Eldar, I liked your idea, dunno why you put yourself down, you always make a lot of sense to me.

Don't take my self-deprecation to seriously. It's my way of disguising the fact that I'm actually an arrogant ass. :wink:

In all seriousness, I felt that I did get a little too touchy-feely with my suggestion. But, I often find that by going for the soft sentimental touch tends to disarm people rather easily.

[pescifish]

In my extended family (all blood, no in-laws), the problem I'd have with Frankie's preemptive suggestion would be that it would put the whole thing right at the top of their heads. I prefer trying to stay "under the radar" because, frankly, I'd rather deal with the hurtful questions than the sideways looks and whatever the hell else brewing in the twisted little heads of my family.

In your situation, where they know about the facts, I'd prefer to deal with each person on their level. I'd adjust to each one, either give a quick conversation stopping answer, or I'd be the one to tell them I don't want to talk about it. Or both. I'd probably employ my ever handy nasty glare (see avatar for similar example) if all else failed. And if even that failed, I'd take them to their knees by giving an over-the-top emotive response that makes them feel like total shits (since I've already told them I didn't want to discuss it). Pretending to be drunk helps for the dramatic strategies. I am no longer willing to get drunk and actually lose any manner of mental/emotional control in such family social situations, but I have pretended to be tipsy in order to provide an explanation for any behaviors others might decide are odd (which tend to be a lot because somehow I never got the Family Book of Twisted Rules of Etiquette)

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[AspenMama]

Aspen Mama...we are driving to Pueblo tonight which is where these people live, so "going out of town" won't work ;). Hey, if you're bored, maybe we can meet for coffee in the Springs? Call me if you are free on Saturday sometime and feel up to the drive down 888-579-1170 will find me on my cell phone.

Fantastic! I'll add your number into my cell phone. I try to avoid the Springs-- but I'd brave it for you!

[Roland98]

Alternatively, you could always have a shirt imprinted with your current custom title, followed by "DON'T EVEN ASK!" and do a pre-emptive strike on your own.

[pescifish]

:yup: That's pretty much how my nasty glare works. :glare:

[Roland98]

:yup: That's pretty much how my nasty glare works. :glare:

Oh yeeeeah, that smiley would be perfect on it too. Or that could just be the back side. "You were thinking of asking, weren't you? DON'T." :glare: