One of those nights

[Angakuk]

Last night I had one of those nights that sometimes make me wish I had taken up a different profession and, at the same time, reaffirms that what I do has meaning and value.

I got a call, at about 5pm, from a local hospital. A woman (a member of my congregation) was in surgery and things were not going well. Her husband asked the hospital to call me. I got to the hospital, she was still in surgery and things were still not going very well. Her heart had stopped at least once and been restarted. Her vital signs were very unstable. I prayed with her husband and her grown daughter, and we waited. Finally we were given word that they had her stabilized enough to transfer her to another hospital with better facilities. With the husband and daughter in my car we started for the other hospital (about a 90 minute drive) only to get called back by the first hospital. Her heart had stopped again before the ambulance even got out of the garage. We waited some more. They got her heart started again, and resumed transport. This time we waited until the ambulance left before we left. All the way to the other hospital we kept dreading another call telling us that they had lost her again. The call didn't come, so we made it to the other hospital where she was admitted to ICU. After another long wait the doctor informed the family that her vital signs were now stable. However, she remained unconscious, on a respirator, and there was a strong possibility that she had sustained significant neurological damage. They will continue observation and make an evaluation after 24 hours. I left the hospital and went home at about midnight. By that time other family members had arrived and both the husband and the daughter were surrounded by strong support groups. I will be heading back there this evening.

I have been this woman's pastor for 17 years. She is a lovely, intelligent, talented, warm and caring woman. She was widowed several years ago and had just remarried (he was recently widowed as well) last October. I performed the ceremony. I have never performed a wedding that I felt so good about. These two people are so obviously right for each other, very much in love and very happy together. It tears my heart up to see the kind of agony he is suffering right now.

Like I said, this is the sort of experience that both makes me wish I did something else for a living and makes me feel like what I am doing is useful and meaningful. Anyway, I just needed to share this with someone, and you all are the someones.

I would be interested in hearing if anyone else ever experiences this sort of ambivalence about their vocation.

[livius drusus]

I have no similar experience to relay (haven't quite found my vocation yet), but I hope she recovers well and promptly. How old is her daughter, if I may ask?

[Angakuk]

Actually, she has a daughter and a son (he arrived while I was still at the hospital last night), both are in their late 30's or early 40's, I would imagine. At least both were grown and out of the home when I first got to know her 17 yrs. ago. Both are married and have families of their own. The woman is in her early 60's. Her prospects do not look encouraging.

[SharonDee]

I often have doubts about my chosen profession but that's just because I'm a whiny, self-pitying little puke.

I admire what you do, Ang, especially during rough times like that family is going through. You truly are one of the good guys.

[quiet bear]

What Sharon said.

I only have one experience like that, 3 1/2 years ago, my oldest nephew was killed by a drunk driver. It was a really bad time for my family, still is.

But, after the fact, maybe 6 months or so, my Mom and my brother told me that our family wouldn't have made it through that if it weren't for me. My Mom said I carried the whole family on my back. It made me feel good, that, even in his 40s, my brother still looks to me as his big brother sometimes.

I wasn't trying to be any kind of hero or anything, I was just there for my family, same as anyone else would have been for theirs. But to have them tell me later on what it meant to them, well, that was a pivotal point in my life, knowing I made a difference at least once.

[Dingfod]

When the gasoline pipeline in Washington state ruptured and killed those three boys about a decade ago, I certainly questioned my choice of career. However, I don't think that was nearly the personal impact that you have faced, probably many times over. For me, it was the realization that I might not deal very well with being responsible for someone's death, even if inadvertantly.

[Angakuk]

I wasn't trying to be any kind of hero or anything, I was just there for my family,
I am pretty much convinced that, to a family in crisis, my main value as a pastor lies in just being there. That, and often being the only one in the room who is not suffering severe emotional distress. Although, the longer I serve in the same parish, the deeper my own emotional involvement becomes.

Ding, my wife had the same sort of conflict when she worked as a draftsman for companies doing defense work. She thoroughly enjoyed her work as a draftsman, but hated the idea that the projects she was working on were ultimately being used to kill people.

[godfry n. glad]

My commendations to you, Angakuk. I think that you are right, that the best thing you could be was "there". Such times are harrowing and having a level, but concerned, head about is a distinct advantage. But, I don't envy you at all.

I rarely have such ambivalence, largely because I've consciously shyed away from such positions. I considered a career in law, and basically abandoned it because I couldn't see myself not being placed in that situation. A few years later, I heard a friend bemoan that his practice as a criminal defense lawyer was probably going to put a man he was sure was a child molestor back on the streets. He had a three-year old daughter. It reinforced my earlier decision.

[Clutch Munny]

One of the many useful lessons one of my sisters taught me is that it's often a mistake to try solving the problem or making people feel better when things like this happen. Folks just want to talk and have other folks around. It takes a particular kind of strength to just be there, be supportive, and let things unfold. I hope you and they get through it as easily as possible.

[Angakuk]

Update:
I just got back from a visit to the hospital. The patient is conscious, aware, responsive and communicative. She can't talk because she is still on the ventilator, but she was able to respond to yes and no questions. She was on the schedule to read the scripture lessons in church tomorrow. When I suggested to her that she would probably not be doing so, she smiled and shook her head. The outlook for her recovery has definitely improved. Her husband, as you can imagine, was in a much improved state of mind this evening. It is amazing what a little hope can do for one's spirit.

[Plant Woman]

What I would have given to have that kind of support when taking care of my father before he passed on. Although I did have this forum that helped keep me somewhat sane/insane during that time.

I do understand the--not wanting to/glad you do it feeling. In the end I think you are always glad you do it though, right? The people you help certainly must be thankful for what you do.

[Angakuk]

You are right, PW, ultimately the satisfaction outweighs the pain, otherwise I wouldn't still be doing what I do. But there are times, like last Friday night, when I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off in a profession that did not involve dealing with quite so much pain, both that of others and my own.

For about 10 years my wife and I were a licensed therapeutic foster home. We finally gave that up, primarily because the pain outweighed the rewards (both personal and financial). The financial rewards of being a pastor have been pretty negligible, but the personal rewards have, thus far, outweighed the personal costs. Sometimes though it is a pretty close call.

Latest word on the patient is that today she asked for pen and paper and is now communicating much more effectively. Her ability to do so indicates that there is probably much less neurological damage than was initially feared. She is still on a the ventilator and getting her heartbeat regulated is still problematic.

[BracesForImpact]

Angakuk,

What you do sounds to me like being a good, supportive friend. Well done.

[Stormlight]

I don't have much to add other than I hope that her condition continues to improve. You're a good person, Angakuk. :thumbup:

[Angakuk]

Angakuk,

What you do sounds to me like being a good, supportive friend. Well done.

You are right of course, there is not much that I can do in that sort of situation that anyone else couldn't also do, and probably ought to do, for a friend. Apart, perhaps, from some rather specific religious rites I might perform that a lay person might not be prepared to carry out and the extent of my training and experience in responding to that kind of crisis situation. I suspect that the distinction lies in the fact that if I had gotten that call, regarding someone who was a total stranger to me, I would not have acted any differently. The major difference would be my own level of emotional involvement. One might almost describe the role of a clergy person as being a friend on retainer. I get paid a salary by a congregation to insure that I can be available to respond in just such circumstances. Not exclusively for the benefit of the members of that congregation, but for anyone who is in need my services.

[Angakuk]

Another update:
I made a visit to the hospital on Thursday evening. The patient was taken off the ventilator on Tuesday. On Wednesday her left lung collapsed, but function was restored. When I saw her on Thursday she was breathing tolerably well, and able to carry on a coversation. Still very weak and still in intensive care, but definitely making progress in the right direction.

It is certainly more emotionally satisfying to be part of a process of healing, rather than a process of dying.

[quiet bear]

You're a good man, Angakuk.

[chick]

I guess it's normal for people in "helping" professions like yours to feel a little strained when faced with a serious illness of someone who you know well and care about. But you're doing a good thing by being there for the family. You might be the anchor they need as they cope with this issue.

[Sauron]

Another update:
I made a visit to the hospital on Thursday evening. The patient was taken off the ventilator on Tuesday. On Wednesday her left lung collapsed, but function was restored. When I saw her on Thursday she was breathing tolerably well, and able to carry on a coversation. Still very weak and still in intensive care, but definitely making progress in the right direction.

It is certainly more emotionally satisfying to be part of a process of healing, rather than a process of dying.

JAM 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.


As always you have my respect, Ang. That's just super news about the patient. Her situation sounded so much like what killed my father that I was afraid to get up my hopes for her. Does she have any kind of heart degeneration? Fluid build-up as a result of weakened heart?

[Angakuk]

She has a pre-existing problem with arrythmia, but they seem to have this under control. They did drain some fluid off the pericardium during the initial surgery, but this does not appear to be a chronic problem. I don't think they know for sure how much or even whether there was any damage to heart muscle. The problem with the lung was precipitated by a bloody mass that was/is pressing on the lower lobe of the left lung. This was probably a result of the injuries from the initial fall. It was/is restricting the lung's expansion. The doctor seems to be pretty confident about their ability to reduce this mass and relieve the pressure.

[Angakuk]

Update:
About 3 weeks ago the patient had surgery to reduce the mass pressing on her lung. The surgery was successful and recovery was good. She did have a bit of a setback when they discovered infection in the abdominal area, probably a complication of the original surgery. They had to re-open the incision and drain the area. They are keeping the incision open, packing the wound and allowing it to drain and heal by stages. This process is also going well. She is scheduled to be discharged to out-patient care today. A full recovery is anticipated, with no neurological damage.

Now I am not one to shout MIRACLE at the least provocation. I don't know whether her recovery is miraculous, or just the result of a strong constitution and excellent medical care. As I told her husband, I don't know whether this is a miracle or not, but it will do for me until the real the thing comes along. In any case, it is certainly a very great relief to see her doing so well against such enormous odds.

[Stormlight]

Well, that's wonderful news! I hope she continues to fully recover.