Satan
01-07-2007, 05:33 AM
Not long ago, I decided to build a list of answers to frequently asked questions. I was tired of answering the same damned queries every time someone meets me for the first time.
Internet message boards were extremely useful in generating the material, so it is fitting to publish the following here. The first question is my own, while the rest are actual questions posed by your fellow humans.
Aren’t you just an Internet crackpot?
Not just. I’m the original crackpot. My nickname “Accuser” first came up after a few too many critical missives sent to management. That’s an interesting tangent, actually: the reason so many sacred texts go on and on about “The Word,” what is written, etc., is that celestial beings employ something very similar to the written word. I did so more than most, in fact – culminating in some bruised egos and hard feelings that never quite healed.
Metaphysics, Religion, the Bible, and Other Nonsense
The Bible and Christian Traditions
[B]So, Satan, why did you rebel against god? Was living in eternal bliss and singing "holy holy holy" such a bad gig?
It wasn't so much a rebellion as a mutual falling-out. Milton's fanciful account of the whole business was wonderful, and it's a shame Cecil B. DeMille never made an adaptation of Paradise Lost. However, there were no epic battles, flaming chariots, or glorious troops of winged soldiers.
Ultimately, I just took God at His Word that creation and the management thereof were group efforts. He was certainly quick to delegate just about everything. His use of first-person plural, in fact, was not one of the many errors in the creation legends. "Let us do x" was shorthand for "go do that and praise My name for coming up with some extra work for you idle angels."
A few suggestions and criticisms later, and suddenly my job description started changing. Before I knew it, I wasn't even counted among the good guys anymore. I've been doing dirty work ever since.
Finally, "eternal bliss" is a matter of perspective. I suppose one could argue that I was never capable of simple bliss, but whose fault is that?
Is it better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven?
At least there's a vacation plan. Praise-whores never let you take a break.
So, was Eve hot?
I'll put it this way: that was one lucky serpent.
What race were Adam and Eve?
Nothing you'd quite recognize today, but they sure as Hell weren't lily white.
Do you reckon you ever actually got close to convincing Jesus, while in the desert?
I didn't hold out much hope from the beginning. The whole business was just a PR move anyway; even Matthew admits that He fasted in the desert for the express purpose of being tempted by me. I was held at arm's length the rest of the time. Just like the Job episode, He and his Daddy agreed to my challenge while subtly altering the terms so they couldn't lose. Like Nurse Ratched, They like a rigged game. (Therein lies the real answer to the question of whether God could create an object so heavy that He couldn't lift it: He won't do such a thing, so whether He could becomes a moot issue.)
The Biblical accounts are accurate, if severely edited. They left out all of the fun I had with it, such as appearing in the form of a baker, replete with the odor of freshly baked bread.
There was also a much longer discussion about testing His power. If He'd thrown Himself off the cliff to find out whether the angels would catch Him, it would have been a capitulation to my wishes, true -- but it also would have been an act of faith. By refusing, He expressed a bit of doubt. That was why He trotted out that ridiculous saw about not tempting the "Lord your God." Rather disingenuous, considering He'd invited me there to do just that.
My final effort was dynamite. Words can't express the splendor I showed that ungrateful carpenter, so of course old Matt and Luke didn't even try. I'll admit I got caught up in my own presentation; I hadn't planned the "fall down and worship me" line. It was somewhat equivalent to a "Who's yer Daddy?" It had the inadvertent effect of snapping Him out of the lovely trance I'd worked Him into. My disappointment was abated somewhat when He told me to get behind Him. I figured, what the Hell; He'd been a virgin long enough.
So did Jesus really marry Mary Magdalene and have kids, whose descendants are still alive today?
No, but that's at least a fairer treatment than previous revisionist history has given her. I.e., she was far less of a whore than a good percentage of Jesus' other disciples.
Was the story of Job just two school bullies messing with the fat geek?
I just brought to His attention that Job might not be the loyal servant He believed him to be. It was His idea to torture him, even if I had to do the dirty work. Towards the end, I got tired of tormenting the whiny little bastard, so I didn't object when God cheated and stopped old Job before he told Him to fuck off.
God didn't just give me permission to mess with Job. He practically begged me. He even wanted to make sure I wouldn't put him out of his misery when I got sick of the whole business. As for why He asked for my opinion, well, even God got a little fuzzy on my various roles and responsibilities. He was still consulting me in my (mostly inactive by that time) role as a troubleshooter. In fact, that was the main reason I played along with that sad little game -- professional diligence.
Is your house number really 666?
Sorry to go off on somewhat of a tangent, but I'm not the Beast. According to the Hallucinations of St. John, the Beast will be my creation -- a being erroneously called the "Antichrist" by those who read even more into his other epistles than he did himself. (1st John 2:18 uses the word, but also mentions that "now many antichrists have come.") Then again, I understand the confusion, since John says that both I (the "great red dragon") and the Beast have the same number of heads and horns. One really needs a scorecard to keep track of this hokum.
Is it true that God sent you off because he was embarrassed about having a gay son and didn't want the other deities finding out?
He likes to pretend that nothing I could say or do would ever embarrass Him. I suppose you mean I'm the "gay son"? That would not be entirely accurate. More out of curiosity and boredom than any natural proclivity, I have taken the Tiresian route. I have been male and female, and tried every possible combination of couplings, triplings, quadruplings, etc.
He hasn't been able to suppress that "rumor" about a gay son entirely, perhaps because some passages from The Secret Gospel of Mark (http://www.gnosis.org/library/secm.htm) are far more touching than anything found in the official versions:
"And they came into Bethany. And a certain woman whose brother had died was there. And, coming, she prostrated herself before Jesus and said to him, "son of David, have mercy on me." But the disciples rebuked her. And Jesus, being angered, went off with her into the garden where the tomb was, and straightway, going in where the youth was, he stretched forth his hand and raised him, seizing his hand. But the youth, looking upon him, loved him and began to beseech him that he might be with him. And going out of the tomb they came into the house of the youth, for he was rich. And after six days Jesus told him what to do and in the evening the youth came to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God. And thence, arising, he returned to the other side of the Jordan."
Some days it's good to be the Messiah. I think I need a cigarette now.
As a believer in creationism, answer this: God created you; who created God?
This presupposes that I believe not only in creationism, but also the reasoning used to "prove" creationism. I.e., the Universe had to come from somewhere, so somebody created it. I do not in fact contend anything of the sort. I would be perfectly satisfied if the Universe were really a stupendous accident. I just happened to be there when it went down, so I have the evidence of my senses (or the equivalent thereof).
Thus, I don't think it follows that anyone had to create God. As far as I know, no one did. But then again, maybe someone did. I wasn't there. I am not opposed to the theory in principle. In fact, I have always contended that God's supposed "three omni's" (-present, -scient, -potent) are a matter of perspective. To an ant, the child burning her with the magnifying glass is omnipotent. So it's entirely possible that God's Mommy will call Him home to dinner eventually, and leave you poor folks in peace at long last.
God supposedly created us in His image, and there are two versions of us: the man and the woman. Is there a Mrs. God?
The use of the masculine gender when denoting God didn't have much to do with "His" genitalia. The Biblical authors wanted to highlight God's allegedly personal nature, so "It" wouldn't have worked for them. They chose masculine rather than feminine because at the time, few would have accepted that a woman could be the final authority in the Universe. God did, supposedly, have no trouble pollinating Mary -- although many suspect "He" had a bit of help, and not necessarily from God's Cuckold, Joseph.
As far as I know, there is no Mrs. God. The God I know is certainly tyrannical and dismissive enough to be male. If He really wore a robe, I would have peeked under it by now and would have a more definite answer for you.
Are the contradictions in the Bible due to the multiple translations it's been through, the fact that people (who seem to be inherently flawed) wrote it, or some other reason?
Yes, yes, and yes. The reasons are almost as numerous as the contradictions themselves. For example, many of the authors were too busy adding subtle (and not-so-subtle) editorializations to concern themselves with consistency.
What Would Jesus Do if he discovered that Satan was setting up a FAQ?
Perhaps He'd ask a few questions Daddy wouldn't answer for Him.
Metaphysics, the Universe, and You
[B]Speaking as an atheist, doesn't your existence instantly prove the existence of God? In which case, since we all know who wins in the end, doesn't your showing up promote good behavior?
I have to be real, since I'm on the Internet. Perhaps I exist as a mere philosophical construct (and a culturally-specific one at that). W.I. Thomas wrote that "If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences." Sexist language aside (which I don't mind, being who I am), the man has a point. You don't personally need to believe in me to see the effects that belief in me has.
Alternatively, perhaps you are, in fact, bantering with an anthropomorphic, celestial being. Perhaps I even have seven heads and ten horns (ever wonder how those would be distributed among the heads? I would've asked St. John if I thought I could get a coherent answer). I fail to understand how that would prove the existence of God. I've never wholly bought in to the whole yin/yang or Zoroastrian dark/light dynamic. I am not a product of theoretical physics; I would be fine with existing in the absence of goodness, or God, or whatever you want to call it. The conflicts and warmongering over whose god is right, and who is ungodly and unholy and whatnot, bring me some of my most interesting residents. I don't spend time refuting God's existence, merely His propaganda. I am an advocate for sin, not atheism.
As for what "we all know"? "We" have a collection of moldy texts that predict the winner of this alleged horse race. As an atheist, I'm guessing you don't believe everything you read. From the very beginning, starting with my early garden-party conversations, I have attempted to counter misinformation disseminated from the higher offices.
That aside, even if my appearance did somehow "instantly" prove the veracity of the entire Biblical account, I doubt it would matter much. Some would use it as a means to prove their righteousness, while others would use it to promote their image as a Bad Boy (or Girl). As always, ego would supersede truth on both sides of the field.
Was the greatest trick you ever pulled convincing the world you didn't exist?
I think the world convinced itself that I don't exist. I didn't object, however, for the reasons I mention in other responses here.
Don't you think that you're merely a construct of a patriarchal religion that made you up from some "pagan" gods and a few goddesses to make sure they had some sort of "foe" or adversary?
Ah, that's the question, isn't it -- who made whom? It’s somewhat like the chicken-egg controversy. Did the patriarchal religion construct me, or was I there at a few would-be priests' brainstorming sessions?
Alternatively, I could share similar origins with Frankenstein's monster. Perhaps I was created, but developed a purpose beyond my creators' and fled the laboratory to walk the Earth.
Does the world need you? Vice versa?
There was a time when the world definitely needed me. Lately, I have begun to explore the outsourcing potential of current technology. Between TV and the Internet, the church no longer dominates most people's thoughts, even among most of the devout. This works both for and against me, but ultimately I predict a net asset.
Do I need the world? I do still enjoy it immensely, so if it's an addiction, at least it's still in the early stages. Not bad for how long I've been at it.
What is the one thing we could do to really, REALLY piss off God (besides asking you this question)?
What doesn't piss Him off anymore? He's got an eternal case of omnipresent PMS. I suppose one could bring that up, and ask whether that's where the Plague of Blood came from.
Is there life on other planets? If so, are either you or God involved, or are your hands full here?
Yes, there is life on other planets. They have their own gods who created the whole Universe just for them, just like you do here.
Given your position and reputation, perhaps you might be able to settle a rather old philosophical question. What is evil?
I could provide a variety of glib one-liners. Instead, since I am rather fond of this question, I’ll flesh the answer out a bit.
The Creator seems to define Evil as any knowledge that doesn’t originate from His Word. He didn't want anyone to know the truth other than Himself, and pitched a hissy fit when a brave woman deigned to listen to somebody else and have a bite for herself. At least, that’s how Evil supposedly entered the world: independent curiosity.
However, that might still be a bit glib, so I’ll have a go at the way the word is used today. It seems that so many toss the term at others, while only an extremely small minority actually view themselves as Evil. Most of the time, it seems that Evil is that which diametrically opposes one’s own view of how humans should behave. Part of this is instinctive, originating from hard-wired impulses to avoid species-threatening behavior: murder, incest, etc. One might call it a “disagreement” on a level preceding consciousness or intellect. This instinct also surfaces in reaction to society-threatening behavior: not only heinous acts such as torture or rape, but also “less evil” offenses, such as theft.
This has the unfortunate side-effect of constructing a No Thinking Zone in a disturbingly large number of human minds. What is Evil is no longer examined; the instinct is perfectly satisfied by a tautological definition – it’s Evil because it’s Evil, la-la-la, I can’t hear you.
Some rise just above this level, not quite succumbing to this Pavlovian response, but still not challenging the concept at its core. For these, Evil is often merely a convenient fiction.
By your definition, who has been the most evil human so far?
The definition I gave was not so much my own as a distillation of my understanding of the modern human definition. Since so few actually consider themselves "evil," it is difficult to quantify the "most evil" a human can be, unless we have a definition for "inadvertent evil." Then one could get bogged down with whether the top prize goes to the one with the most evil intentions or the one whose actions created the most evil results. For the latter, one can't get much worse than Martin Luther. He took interpretation of Biblical texts out of the Church's hands and handed it over to the common people, which ultimately gave rise to the dizzying array of denominational churches. Or one could cite Guttenberg, for fairly obvious reasons; mass literacy has created an abundance of evil thought that just wasn't possible before.
Do you ever worry (or wonder) that despite your falling out, you are actually still working for god anyway, and always have been?
I have made no secret of the fact that I hold the popular concept of "free will" in contempt. While I see it as a human conceit, ultimately I must apply the same criticism to my own perceived volition. For most of human history and prehistory, I have been entirely under God's employ. I was initially a troubleshooter, pointing out problems with creation, and later with humanity. As I described before, my supposed "fall" was more of a change in job description.
God deliberately lied to Adam and Eve about the Tree. ("Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil" was an inaccurate name; "Tree of Self-Awareness" would be closer to what it was.) He said they would die if they ate the fruit. Meanwhile, He told me that it would raise their awareness to something akin to His. When I employed the Serpent, I thought I was just countering some bullshit propaganda. God responded by changing the consequences ex post facto to match His "official" warning to the humans, and making them mortal. Thus He didn't look like a liar, and I looked like a manipulative asshole. In retrospect, it is obvious that He wanted everything to occur precisely as it did. Score one for Divine determinism.
If I am indeed merely a pawn on God's chessboard, I can take solace in one inevitable conclusion. I turn humans away from God and toward sin. If that is truly in the Divine plan, it follows necessarily that God created the majority of humans with a large "DESTINATION: HELL" stamped on their foreheads. It may make hash of pretty notions of free will, but it also wipes out any possibility of a perfectly benevolent deity. If I'm a bastard, blame the bastard who created me this way.
Which of the 7 deadly sins seems to be the most popular these days? Does it vary by country?
Pride is always among the top three, and Lust pops up quite a bit, too. The cultural differences are surprisingly minimal. Some countries' inhabitants are more prone to Wrath than others. But almost everybody wants to fuck, and everybody wants to see him/herself in the best possible light. Even the apparently humble tend to be pathologically proud of their own humility, which pleases me to no end.
What is sin?
Technically, sin is just breaking the rules. Since so many of the rules are in direct opposition to human/animal nature, sin is often whatever comes naturally. This was no accident. It is much easier to control one's subjects when they reside in a state of perpetual guilt. This is obscured by grandiose, Platonic, dualistic poppycock involving spirit vs. matter, but even Jesus declared that mere thought can be a sin. You can't win with those bozos.
Matthew 5:16:
But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
The blame is Matthew's, perhaps - he was at least a major player in the Frankensteinean creation of the composite Jesus. It has been a long time, and I would argue that it doesn't particularly matter whether the historical Jesus really said it; the Gospels are far more important to religious thought than He ever was.
Isn't the true test of free will more than just rejecting others, but in rejecting your own needs for the good of others? How is free will just doing what feels good, isn't that instinct?
Several species of bird will fly into the mouth of a predator to enable the flock's escape. Self-sacrifice is instinctive as well. But keep trying; you might locate that elusive free will somewhere.
Isn't indulgence the definition for an addiction? One does what feels good, and denies that it has any ill effect.
Religion, like a drug treatment clinic, requires that one check oneself in. The junkie always says he can quit, if he wanted to, but he really can't.
Some programs to treat such a problem have been accused of merely substituting one addiction for another. Also, it is only quite recently that religion has taken on such a voluntary aspect. Previously, one was either born and raised in the clinic, or dragged in via particularly coercive, unsolicited interventions.
Did you start the whole "filioque" malarky? And if not, who did?
Malarky? I'd call it a masterpiece. You'd have to search high and low to find an argument that contains such perfectly symmetrical idiocy on both sides, is entirely irrelevant to anyone's life or faith, and yet was so hotly contested. Sorry to boast, but yes, that one has my hoofprints all over it – not that it required much nurturing before it took on a vibrant life of its own.
For the uninitiated, here's the link (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/06073a.htm) to the relevant page of one of my favorite sites, the Catholic Encyclopedia (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/). Try to read the entire entry with a straight face.
So monotheism is 'it', there is no polytheism?
There could be other bullies out there. It's certainly odd that the "One True God" should be so concerned that His people have no other gods before Him. I have mentioned His divine insecurity before, and it would be instructive to determine its source. Thus far, however, He has kept me so damned busy that I haven't had time to conduct an exhaustive search. The possibility that this was intentional is not lost on me.
What about us atheists? Are we really your servants, as the Christians suggest?
In the popular Christian view, one must serve someone. If one doesn't serve God, this attitude concludes that one serves me, by default if not by conscious choice. Thus free will is merely a choice of masters; you're on the metaphysical auction block, and the only difference between you and the poor souls caught in the slave trade is that you decide on which plantation you'll end up.
I contend that there are other roles you can play. I don't ask for servants, and in fact, I prefer leaders. The rare humans who actually worship me (which not even the Satanists do) tend to evoke my pity and scorn, not my gratitude.
What powers do you have as Satan? Like, can you create life?
Hmm, a list of powers. I'm extraordinarily long-lived (immortal, I'm told, although I guard against dangerous assumptions). I can go anywhere I want, "at the speed of thought," as the slogan goes. I can travel not only to physical destinations, but also into a human mind -- not really "possession" as is commonly understood; rather, I can cozy up to a particular thought process and add a bit of spice to it. I don't create life per se, although I often help to make it worth living. I also have an excellent memory for one as old as I.
Aren't we all God and Satan, since we thought you up?
Is the author his/her characters? Some authors see themselves as Frankenstein and their characters as their uncontrollable monsters – even more so when the author loses the copyright. Perhaps you humans did create me, but it doesn’t follow that I’ll do your bidding, or come when you call me, “Speak of the Devil” superstitions notwithstanding.
So ... Satan, do you view the world in black and white?
Not only do I not oversimplify the world, I tend to be blamed for making things even more complicated than they were to begin with. In fact, I was never the one to come up with this “for me or against me” concept. My suggestions are rarely to do the diametric opposite of what God or other busybody moralists command. Often it’s just a matter of a simple step to the side.
On a deeper question, does your enlightened view of the world present humanity as a cup half empty, a cup half full, or a vibrant tapestry?
More like a dissonant noise, with (very) occasional bursts of lovely music.
Is humanity the only sentient life on this little mud ball?
I wouldn’t classify all humans as sentient. Then again, sentience might be a matter of degree, which would explain why some chimps have more of it than some humans.
What’s with Christian belief that we shouldn't put faith in earthly things or desire for money, yet churches take tithes? If we actually held to the belief in not desiring money, wouldn't that make it hard for churches to expand because they wouldn't be getting tithes any longer?
Well, just as Jesus wants to be the repository for all sin, the Church gets to do the same for filthy lucre. That’s a burden that any church is willing to bear, so they’re good for something. Too bad they aren’t willing to do the same for other sinful obsessions, such as lust. I think a whorehouse would be a nice addition to a church – perhaps the peep booths could be right across from the confessionals (or baptisteries in the Protestant churches), for the sake of convenience.
Hey, if there is such a thing as a soul, what's the going rate for it?
It's definitely a buyer's market these days. The price used to be something along the lines of sex, or power, or at least a bit of wealth -- although so many settle for so little; I use the term "wealth" loosely. However, nowadays, it's even cheaper. You'd be surprised how many are willing to do so much -- even sell their souls -- just to get a little attention. Some are afraid they won't even get their 15 minutes of fame.
What's up with that reincarnation deal, is it all bunk?
It's attractive, neatly devised bunk, but yes, bunk nonetheless. Humans have an innate need for some sort of spirituality, but seem to put more importance on palatability than utility.
What pleases you more: those who do "evil" or those who sit by and watch it happen?
That's a bit of a poser. Those who have the courage to commit their own evil acts demonstrate conviction, at least. It takes a great deal of concentration to be a complete and utter asshole, although many are certainly up to the challenge.
However, those who sit by provide me with more amusement, since they are the same ones who love to whine about the consequences and complain that they "never saw it coming." And like many fence-sitters in any arena, they often congratulate themselves on being so much more sophisticated than the evildoers and do-gooders. They seem to believe this is much more constructive than actually committing to a position. At the end of the day, I suppose I'd side with those who amuse me the more.
This week I'll be at the state United Methodist annual conference. Any suggestions?
You could promise them that when you have kids, you’ll beat them as righteously as John Wesley did his. I suppose it’s better than pledging to display the UM insignia on your front lawn, which is fraught with problems of implementation, not to mention neighborly relations.
I suppose the best option might be to help them find an end to any one of their interminable discussions. You’d get an abundance of relieved gratitude, and probably a free meal for enabling them, finally, to get to the dinner break.
[B]Hell and the Afterlife
Is Hell really as bad as they say, or is that just a bunch of propaganda?
Hell is not a perpetual barbecue. It's just a permanent separation from God. He is so possessed of Divine insecurity that He insists, rather petulantly, that separation from Him is the most intolerable torment. That's where all of that colorfully illustrated hellfire and brimstone comes from; in His mind, that overwrought metaphor is accurate. Those incapable of independent thought are terrified at the notion of spending Eternity without someone telling them what to do and think, so it's accurate for them too.
Would my eternity be filled with data entry?
As I mentioned above, images of Hell as a place of eternal torment are the delusional products of an insecure deity's propaganda. However, if data entry really turns you on, I can keep you busy typing up some Pat Robertson sermons.
In movies and television they always imply that if a sinner repents to a priest on his deathbed, he can be absolved of all the evil deeds that he did in his life and get into heaven. Is this all a load of crap?
Yes, it’s a load of crap, all the more so because it’s true. That’s right, you can do whatever the Hell you want and Heaven will still welcome you. It has nothing to do with justice, good works, or even mercy. Lick His boot and call Him the top dog, and you get the pleasure of being His fawning toady for Eternity. What fun.
How often do you have to deal with uprisings in hell?
Seems like lately, every other new arrival thinks he/she is going to "take over." They take their T-shirt slogans a bit too seriously. Of course, they're all too obsessed by their Bad Guy/Gal images to organize a true resistance.
Oh, by the way ... when the world ends, will downunder be the first to know?
C'mon, every time the world is ending, the Weekly World News is always the first to know -- or was; damn, how I already miss it. It would have been hilarious when the shit hit the Seven Seals and the WWN were proven right.
Do you take a percentage of Charon's fee?
I wish there really were a River Styx. Rather than taxing poor old Charon, I would probably institute an incentive program to reward him for keeping the annoying ones on the outer shore.
What happens to Atheists?
Most of them refuse to go to Heaven out of sheer stubbornness, but eventually find their way to me. It's odd, really, how much easier it is to accept my existence than it is to accept His. Once in a while, He bends (warps, subverts, twists beyond recognition) His own rules to accept one that He favors.
Did Hell already freeze over during the ice age or something? I'm wondering if it doesn't get super cold there for people that hate cold temperatures anyway.
I'm thinking hypothermia is just as much of a hell as heat exhaustion. This would also explain why sometimes people say to me "It's cold as hell outside today."
Temperature is fairly irrelevant in Hell. Humans merely perceive differences in temperature anyway, not the temperatures themselves. If I wanted to torment them severely, I'd have to subject them to both extremes alternately. God does this on Earth already, which might explain why so many in the American Midwest are looking forward to relief in Heaven.
Perhaps that phrase [hell freezing over] originated from those who have read Dante's Inferno? Speaking of which... Satan, your thoughts on that?
The entire Inferno was just a vehicle for Dante to imagine colorful torments for those who had pissed him off. But one has to give him credit for sneaking in a complaint about the unfairness of the Church's view of homosexuality. He hid it well by devising a particularly sadistic torment for them. I didn't care much for where I ended up in that epic: frozen in ice, with only three sinners to chew on. He could've at least included a TV.
How do you feel about your worshippers? Do you want to be worshipped? Do your worshippers get any special treatment in hell?
Absolutely not. I was already sick of the sycophantic mewlings in Heaven, and they aren't much more palatable when directed toward me. I don't mind the "Hail Satans," but I consider them more equivalent to a "Hey howdy there, pardner" than statements of worship. Anyone who truly worships me is no better than those who bow down to one of the more mainstream flavors of "deity."
Are there any Wiccans or Buddists in hell?
Sure, but as I've covered before, it's not really a punishment -- just a by-product of God's petulant "with Us or against Us" policy. I don't poke them with pitchforks or scorch them with flames -- except for some of the extremist Zen types, who tend to request it. I generally ignore the Buddhists, as their constant diatribes against selfish desire annoy me.
What's the deal with the grim reaper? Is s/he (it?) one of your toadies or a free agent?
I didn't invent Death, I was just the excuse God used to impose mortality on humanity. He'd planned all along to play it that way, of course. As I said before, He likes a rigged game.
Are there communities in Hell? What are housing prices like? Where would you suggest residing in Hell?
Communities: The biggest one, unfortunately, is the crowd that take that whole "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth" business seriously. They're both annoying and depressing. There are various other groups, with new ones being formed all the time by those who can't tolerate any of the existing ones. Still, there aren't as many as, say, Protestant Christian denominations on Earth.
Housing prices: More or less irrelevant. Hell is limited only by human imagination. It expands its borders with every new resident. Otherwise, I'd have been forced to stack you folks in million-story condominiums by now. Thus, other than the above warning about annoying factions, I don't have much specific input on where you should reside.
When Wiccans do end up in Hell, how do they react?
I believe the exact quote I heard was: "What the fuck?"
The Blame Game
[B](Submitted for B. Breathed) So are you really to blame for cancers, earthquakes, tsunamis, car accidents, murderers, rapes, embezzlement, fires, anxiety, dog hickeys, burnt toast, pope abusers, uncles with bad breath, and the word renobrate?
"Scapegoat" was one of my least favorite job descriptions. I'm not the one with the martyr complex of Biblical proportions. But whether I like it or not, this is a good list of what has been dumped on my doorstep throughout the centuries. So I'll set the record straight:
Cancers: I spend my time in people's conscious thoughts, not their cell membranes.
Earthquakes, tsunamis, fires: I didn't choose to place such a vast population on this geological powder keg.
Murders, rapes, embezzlement: "The Devil made me do it" is such a convenient cop-out. It's true that when Big Daddy says not to do something, I feel almost compelled to ask, "Why not?" Still, taking the case of murder -- first He says don't kill, then He says "Go kill every man, woman and child behind those walls." It gets rather confusing. Murder could be a sin, or God's will. So many are prone to slaughter and mayhem over, say, the price of gasoline, they wouldn't need the gentlest nudge from me.
Car accidents: Stupidity and inattention accomplish these more efficiently than would a legion of demons.
Anxiety: Depends on the context. I do tend to discourage smug complacency by sowing doubt.
Dog hickeys: My view of "free will" is not particularly favorable, but perhaps that's what is at work within those who sit still long enough for a dog to do that.
Burnt toast, uncles with bad breath: I don't plan to conduct a case-by-case investigation.
Pope abusers: Yes, please. Any volunteers?
The word renobrate: Most likely this Breathed fellow. Such an evil word to loose upon an unsuspecting populace.
Do you turn women into shrieking harpies after they get engaged, or is that God's work?
Part of the problem is that women realize at this point, or fairly soon thereafter, that subtlety won't penetrate all 15 layers of the male cranium. Cue the shrieking.
How do you find time in your busy schedule to ensure that Murphy's Law is strictly enforced in my day-to-day life?
Murphy's Law is a self-perpetuating entity, feeding off the very pessimism it creates. It's fucking beautiful.
Are there any songs that give out satanic messages when played backwards? Any books that have secret messages in them? Or is this just manufactured by the Jesus freaks to scare people?
Sometimes I encourage the use of secret messages. It doesn't even have to be satanic; in my spare time, I take a break from tweaking the "Jesus freaks" to tweak the neurotic conspiracy theorists. It puts me in a happy place.
What do you have to say in your defense in response to this civil suit?
[Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (W.D.Pa. 1971)]
Officially, I have nothing to add to Judge Weber's sensible and thorough opinion regarding the lack of jurisdiction, cause of action or proper service of complaint.
Unofficially, a truly meritorious class action would've been against Mayo, on behalf of every person with whom he crossed paths, and was nauseated by that miserable loser's incessant whining. I'd have been more amused by this silliness if he hadn't dragged my staff into it. I care about my employees.
Insurance companies are a product of the devil, right?
Let's see -- they make a lot of promises about what they'll do for you after you're dead, while demanding constant tithing, and then find a loophole at the last minute to avoid any responsibility. Sounds more like Christianity to me.
If you're Satan then maybe you can explain to me why "the world" hates me so much?
Pardon me for being blunt, but most of "the world" has no idea you exist. That statement is not intended to exacerbate your obvious depression; I just believe a bit of perspective is warranted. Regardless of whether you believe in a God Who loves you, or a "world" that hates you, you remain in thrall of an unseen agent.
If you are currently an atheist, this level of depression could make you ripe for an overzealous evangelist's plucking ("overzealous evangelist" may be a trifle redundant). The best way to avoid this sickening fate is to take full responsibility for everything that happens to you. This requires courage, but ultimately will lead to success much more quickly than praying to God or importuning "the world." Good luck.
Celebrities, Past and Present
[B]Who is in hell? Anyone famous? Who didn't get to go?
Hell is a bit like the Muppet Show was in the 70s. Everybody wants a guest spot. A lot of folks who acted like they wanted to retire there couldn't because of command appearances in Heaven -- King David, Fred Rogers, et al.
Are you keeping Keith Richards alive as a payment for writing "Sympathy for the Devil"? (Of course, I'm assuming that he really is alive.)
Nah, I'm already sick of the "Pleased to meet you" line -- everybody expects me to trot it out on every occasion, as if I was the one who coined it in the first place.
I never asked for or expected sympathy. As for what keeps that creature's ticker pumping, there are questions not even I can answer. I suspect it's not a reward of any sort.
Did Anton Lavey have it right?
I do still get this one fairly often. I suppose that means this fellow had slightly more impact than I had predicted. The more impressionable among us "fallen" types brought The Satanic Bible to my attention, back in the '60s. I hated to quell their childlike enthusiasm. They were excited that a new Age of Satan was in the offing, and even expected that churches by the thousands would be converted into brothels and hip nightclubs. The problem was, we didn't need a new age. Every age is mine, regardless of church attendance figures. I didn't expect the Church of Satan to attract much attention after its honeymoon with public outrage. As I expected, while it's still around, it remains quite small.
He appears to have pulled his "translation" of Enochian straight out of his ass. And as for anyone who wants to cast a "lust" spell on someone by masturbating by candlelight, I wish you luck.
I'll concede that most of his "Satanic Statements" were accurate, particularly the one about my role in keeping the churches in business. In fact, please don’t interpret my comments as dislike for Lavey. He was a peach of a fellow, just not my Chosen One.
Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?
Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.
Does it bother you that Miroslav Satan of the Buffalo Sabres pronounces his name Suh-TAHN instead of the more common SAY-tin?
Not at all. I rather like the cadence that way.
Is there a reason he doesn't play for the New Jersey Devils?
He doesn't pronounce his name properly.
So ... How is Jack Parsons, anyhow?
I don’t think he even realizes where he is yet. He’s too busy circle-jerking with L. Ron Hubbard.
Tell Crowley hi for me. And tell him to f*ck off for leaving complete idiots in charge of his organization. It hasn't been the same since he left.
Crowley is even more enraptured than Parsons. He hasn’t stopped performing his Qabbalistic calculations since he arrived. I think he solved the Grand Unified Theory a while back, but he didn’t notice. I believe he’s currently working on a way to resolve the Naples Arrangement with the mysteries of his belly button lint.
How did Ronald DeFeo get all of them without anyone waking up?
That's not as mysterious as the question of how the audience avoided falling asleep during those last half-dozen or so Amityville Horror films.
What about Jimmy Page? Did he really worship you? What kind of rituals? Were you involved with the tragedy that happened at the house he bought?
Jimmy was a committed Crowley groupie at the time, not a worshipper of mine. Goetic magicks and heroin are a nasty mix, but that didn't stop Jimmy until it was too late. Just as you would call the Orkin Man to deal with a termite problem rather than getting a degree in entomology, I don't get personally involved in minor demonic activities.
Where is Douglas Adams and has he changed his mind? And if he's with you, is he wearing short pants as feared?
Nobody from either side is sure exactly where Mr. Adams went, only that all the towels are gone from his cupboard.
Is Rush on the radio down there? Maybe you can give him his own cable network. Something like Right in Hell....
I'll suggest that to him when he arrives. Talk radio is a self-contained Hell on Earth, so it would be redundant to broadcast it in Hell.
Satan, how is it that Duke and DePaul are considered church schools but each has mascots of Blue Devils and Blue Demons respectively?
Some church schools are more honest than others.
Were you really good friends with Ambrose Bierce?
Sure, and Ambrose was the Fifth Beatle, too. Name-droppers are SO annoying.
Will the A's make it past the first round of playoffs this season?
Just like Miss Cleo, I normally charge a fee for providing blatantly fictional information about the future. But seriously, I tend to avoid voicing uninformed opinions. Regarding baseball, I follow the drug scandals and players' arrests far more closely than the current standings.
Was Nostrodamus a fake or what?
The poor guy was just a frustrated poet. Imagine his surprise, and the boost to his flagging ego, when he learned of his posthumous fame as an oracle. That boost was tempered by the fact that what he really wanted was recognition of his creativity, something he rarely gets.
Current/Recent Events
[B]Speaking more in depth on "the devil made me do it", would you perhaps like to list in greater detail on what your involvement has been within the George W. Bush Administration? And could you specify if the position is actual and recognized within the White House or if you're more an ex officio operative?
It's interesting that you consider my involvement to be a foregone conclusion. Haven't you heard Junior's speeches? According to all public pronouncements, the entire administration is in the employ of the other guy. It makes one wonder what that deity of theirs is really after.
As for bureaucracy, the origins of political systems are usually attributed to God, while I get the credit for making a mess of the implementation. Perhaps the system should have been designed better in the first place. Now why does it seem like I said something like that before, quite some time ago?
What about Jimmy Carter?
Jimmy Carter was a sweetheart, for the most part. He did blame me for Billy, and I suppose I have to admit partial culpability there. When you suggest public urination to a drunk, don't ever assume he'll know you're joking.
Did you have a hand in this new EU Constitution?
Shhh, you'll spoil the surprise.
Do you favor tort reform?
Assuming you mean the version popular among American conservatives, which limits claims, Hell no. I am quite pleased with the direction of the modern judicial handbasket, and I think everyone should hop in. Sue early, sue often.
Are you outsourcing operations to Mississippi? I've been wondering for a while ...
Not currently. The next time I have a labor dispute, I might threaten to do so.
[B]Portrayals and Perceptions
Of all the monikers that have been attributed to you over the years (Prince of Darkness, Lucifer, Emily Dickinson and so on), which is your favorite?
Robert Heinlein called me "Jerry," which I thought was a nice, friendly sort of name. Some of the Indo-European tribal deities' names, which were later attributed to me, had a nice ring to them. I could do without the megasyllabic mouthfuls that conjurers seem to prefer.
Of all of the literature that has been written on the subject of you, which is your favorite? Which one do you think is most accurate?
It's difficult to say, since in most of the fiction (Biblical or otherwise), I supposedly lose in the end. I think Heinlein probably caught my best side.
The least accurate would have to be all of those redundant "Deal with the Devil" tales. The problem with all of them is that anyone who is willing to transact with me has already handed over his/her soul without realizing it. Sometimes I let those naïve types dangle on the hook for a while, getting something for nothing – which, after all, is the precise value of their souls.
How close is Steve Brust's "To Reign In Hell" to accurately recounting the actual circumstances that led to you and The Man's falling out?
Even I almost blush at the sinful act of comparing Brust's work to Milton's, but in the end, the critique is the same: Good story, lousy historical accuracy. I essentially invented Heavenly discord, so all the business about inter-angel infighting was just in Brust's imagination. Just as there was no actual battle, there was no political potboiler to recount, either.
Do you look more like the stereotypical Debil-type monster, or more like Elizabeth Hurley?
It depends on who is looking at me. Some people are rather turned on by the "stereotypical Debil-type monster." Others are freaked out by Liz Hurley. It takes all kinds. I refuse to assume the shape of Brendan Fraser, however. A fellow has to have some standards.
What movie portrayed you the best?
Al Pacino was a gas. He's not tall enough, however. DeNiro was fun in Angel Heart, as well. So, I suppose your answer is: it takes an Italian.
What do you think of the Don Henley song Garden of Allah?
That's an excellent song. My only quibble is with the lines: "And the devil is downhearted/Because there's nothing left for him to claim ... 'I guess my work around here has all been done.'" I'm not through yet. There is still more work to be done, for one with enough imagination to recognize it.
How could you let someone like C. S. Lewis get hold of those letters?
Screwtape was just Lewis’ mouthpiece for his various beefs with Christians he disagreed with. Great name for a demon, but he wasn’t one of mine. I did like his little dinner speech at the end, but the rest of the book was warmed-over Christian apologist claptrap.
[B]Miscellaneous
Boxers, briefs, or commando?
I can't abide restrictions of any kind.
So, do you date, or does your dedication to being the Ultimate Evil preclude you from having a personal life?
It's difficult in my position to find anyone other than sycophantic groupies to date, and I tired of those long ago. I am still incredibly busy, despite the potential for outsourcing I discussed above.
Hi, Dad.
Ah, another paternity suit in the making. To be fair, I must inform you that the jurisdictional issues are insurmountable. Remember, just because your family calls you by the pet name of "Hellspawn," that doesn't quite constitute a paternity claim.
You seem to be a lot cooler than God. He's like the strict Dad, and you're the cool uncle who lets us smoke pot. Thanks for the evil stuff. Sometimes it's a lot of fun.
You're quite welcome for the "evil stuff." Careful with the substances, though. Addiction leads to self-hate, which leads to 12-step programs, which lead to a particularly sickening brand of Christianity.
Country music: WTF is that all about then?
Speaking of torment. Imagine how I felt when Hank Williams Sr. showed up.
Do you really wear Prada??
I have Versace and Halston under my employ. Of the still-earthbound, I prefer Manolo Blahnik, despite the association with that horrid Carrie Bradshaw character. Come to think of it, I adore the entire fashion world. It's so amusing to see such mundane items as shoes and handbags create vicious stampedes and crippling debt.
Is it true that you have all the best tunes?
How often does a choir tune top the charts anymore? Ray Charles might be in Heaven, but where do you suppose most of the best musicians wind up? Musically, Hell ain't no bad place to be.
Could you have a press conference?
I already held a press conference, but I only had time for a couple of questions. Sorry you missed it.
Are there wireless "hot spots" in Hell, and is AOL the only ISP you can sign up for?
Someone brought this up before, saying that I must be from AOL. I did my best not to take it personally; after all, I get insulted almost as grievously at your average Baptist tent revival. But no, you can choose your own ISP in Hell. Far be it from me to interfere with anyone's access to porn.
There is no cellular/wireless service at all. People complain about the horrific oppression of not being able to text-message important information like "I LV U BABYCAKES," but they eventually learn to cope somehow.
Can we get broadband in hell? That's the important part. I mean, if you *really* want porn, you need broadband.
We're far beyond the quaint limitations of broadband. Our transfer rates are quick enough to satisfy even your appetites. One would think the porn would become more imaginative as a result, but it doesn’t. This goes into there, there, there ... this accommodates that, this, the other thing ... these rub those ... this spews that fluid ... it could be I've lived too long among the corporeal to be impressed by any of it anymore. But by all means, enjoy.
What the hell is that whooshing noise in my office?
It's what corporate types like to call "white noise." It's actually the sound of independent thought being sucked out of your brain through your ears. Spend a few more years in the office and you'll stop noticing it.
Do we have you to thank for all the watery American beer?
I'm a huge fan of good booze. American beer is the worst form of alcohol abuse. I suspect it was born of a Puritanical conspiracy to limit enjoyment of a good drunken debauch.
Who came up with the 3 wise monkeys (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)?
The "wise" monkeys do seem to capture the essence of obedience to God -- don't look, don't listen, and shut the fuck up. I believe this is a case of accidentally brilliant satire, which is rather impressive considering that there are only three monkeys involved, and no typewriters.
Do you like [insert whatever rock/pop band here]?
I must confess that I listen to very little popular music. I am frequently blamed for my involvement in rock 'n' roll (and jazz before that, and Paganini before that ... ad nauseaum), but that began as a wildly unsuccessful attempt to prevent it from catching on, and later became a hackneyed means of propping up countless "bad boy" images.
What's your favorite [television show/episode]?
I have very little time to watch television, although I spend a great deal evangelizing for it. It’s such a wonderful replacement for traditional religion, to which its vast number of converts attests.
What are your views on sarcasm?
Sarcasm can be fun, when used properly. When it’s understood, it’s quite entertaining. When it flies over someone’s head, it’s even more entertaining. It’s multipurpose fun for the whole family.
Is there a difference between being in love and infatuation?
The modern definition of being "in love" IS infatuation. Infatuation is merely a form of lust, wrapped up in a cocoon of warm and fuzzy emotions. There are deeper levels of love (although C. S. Lewis can shove that "Agape" nonsense), but most humans are too busy writing internal poetry to their unexamined projections to get anywhere near them.
Does God really kill a kitten every time someone masturbates?
There aren't that many kittens on the face of the Earth. Felis catus would be completely extinct many times over by now.
Can I have your autograph?
Only if I can have yours. I have the paper right here, but I'm afraid ink won't do ...
Cool, but I'm anemic; is that going to cause a problem?
I'm patient. Besides, a bit of gentle squeezing usually does the trick, or so I've learned from a few rather over-eager anemics.
Do you know how much I can get for your autograph on eBay?
A vast quantity of annoyingly obtuse demands that you verify its authenticity.
Satan, what makes you get out of bed in the morning?
I don't sleep, thus the dilemma never arises.
And what turns you on?
Long walks on the beach, passionate apostasy, and the never-ending pageant of human foibles.
Why did you choose this particular message board to conduct this Q&A session?
The screen name was available.
Internet message boards were extremely useful in generating the material, so it is fitting to publish the following here. The first question is my own, while the rest are actual questions posed by your fellow humans.
Aren’t you just an Internet crackpot?
Not just. I’m the original crackpot. My nickname “Accuser” first came up after a few too many critical missives sent to management. That’s an interesting tangent, actually: the reason so many sacred texts go on and on about “The Word,” what is written, etc., is that celestial beings employ something very similar to the written word. I did so more than most, in fact – culminating in some bruised egos and hard feelings that never quite healed.
Metaphysics, Religion, the Bible, and Other Nonsense
The Bible and Christian Traditions
[B]So, Satan, why did you rebel against god? Was living in eternal bliss and singing "holy holy holy" such a bad gig?
It wasn't so much a rebellion as a mutual falling-out. Milton's fanciful account of the whole business was wonderful, and it's a shame Cecil B. DeMille never made an adaptation of Paradise Lost. However, there were no epic battles, flaming chariots, or glorious troops of winged soldiers.
Ultimately, I just took God at His Word that creation and the management thereof were group efforts. He was certainly quick to delegate just about everything. His use of first-person plural, in fact, was not one of the many errors in the creation legends. "Let us do x" was shorthand for "go do that and praise My name for coming up with some extra work for you idle angels."
A few suggestions and criticisms later, and suddenly my job description started changing. Before I knew it, I wasn't even counted among the good guys anymore. I've been doing dirty work ever since.
Finally, "eternal bliss" is a matter of perspective. I suppose one could argue that I was never capable of simple bliss, but whose fault is that?
Is it better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven?
At least there's a vacation plan. Praise-whores never let you take a break.
So, was Eve hot?
I'll put it this way: that was one lucky serpent.
What race were Adam and Eve?
Nothing you'd quite recognize today, but they sure as Hell weren't lily white.
Do you reckon you ever actually got close to convincing Jesus, while in the desert?
I didn't hold out much hope from the beginning. The whole business was just a PR move anyway; even Matthew admits that He fasted in the desert for the express purpose of being tempted by me. I was held at arm's length the rest of the time. Just like the Job episode, He and his Daddy agreed to my challenge while subtly altering the terms so they couldn't lose. Like Nurse Ratched, They like a rigged game. (Therein lies the real answer to the question of whether God could create an object so heavy that He couldn't lift it: He won't do such a thing, so whether He could becomes a moot issue.)
The Biblical accounts are accurate, if severely edited. They left out all of the fun I had with it, such as appearing in the form of a baker, replete with the odor of freshly baked bread.
There was also a much longer discussion about testing His power. If He'd thrown Himself off the cliff to find out whether the angels would catch Him, it would have been a capitulation to my wishes, true -- but it also would have been an act of faith. By refusing, He expressed a bit of doubt. That was why He trotted out that ridiculous saw about not tempting the "Lord your God." Rather disingenuous, considering He'd invited me there to do just that.
My final effort was dynamite. Words can't express the splendor I showed that ungrateful carpenter, so of course old Matt and Luke didn't even try. I'll admit I got caught up in my own presentation; I hadn't planned the "fall down and worship me" line. It was somewhat equivalent to a "Who's yer Daddy?" It had the inadvertent effect of snapping Him out of the lovely trance I'd worked Him into. My disappointment was abated somewhat when He told me to get behind Him. I figured, what the Hell; He'd been a virgin long enough.
So did Jesus really marry Mary Magdalene and have kids, whose descendants are still alive today?
No, but that's at least a fairer treatment than previous revisionist history has given her. I.e., she was far less of a whore than a good percentage of Jesus' other disciples.
Was the story of Job just two school bullies messing with the fat geek?
I just brought to His attention that Job might not be the loyal servant He believed him to be. It was His idea to torture him, even if I had to do the dirty work. Towards the end, I got tired of tormenting the whiny little bastard, so I didn't object when God cheated and stopped old Job before he told Him to fuck off.
God didn't just give me permission to mess with Job. He practically begged me. He even wanted to make sure I wouldn't put him out of his misery when I got sick of the whole business. As for why He asked for my opinion, well, even God got a little fuzzy on my various roles and responsibilities. He was still consulting me in my (mostly inactive by that time) role as a troubleshooter. In fact, that was the main reason I played along with that sad little game -- professional diligence.
Is your house number really 666?
Sorry to go off on somewhat of a tangent, but I'm not the Beast. According to the Hallucinations of St. John, the Beast will be my creation -- a being erroneously called the "Antichrist" by those who read even more into his other epistles than he did himself. (1st John 2:18 uses the word, but also mentions that "now many antichrists have come.") Then again, I understand the confusion, since John says that both I (the "great red dragon") and the Beast have the same number of heads and horns. One really needs a scorecard to keep track of this hokum.
Is it true that God sent you off because he was embarrassed about having a gay son and didn't want the other deities finding out?
He likes to pretend that nothing I could say or do would ever embarrass Him. I suppose you mean I'm the "gay son"? That would not be entirely accurate. More out of curiosity and boredom than any natural proclivity, I have taken the Tiresian route. I have been male and female, and tried every possible combination of couplings, triplings, quadruplings, etc.
He hasn't been able to suppress that "rumor" about a gay son entirely, perhaps because some passages from The Secret Gospel of Mark (http://www.gnosis.org/library/secm.htm) are far more touching than anything found in the official versions:
"And they came into Bethany. And a certain woman whose brother had died was there. And, coming, she prostrated herself before Jesus and said to him, "son of David, have mercy on me." But the disciples rebuked her. And Jesus, being angered, went off with her into the garden where the tomb was, and straightway, going in where the youth was, he stretched forth his hand and raised him, seizing his hand. But the youth, looking upon him, loved him and began to beseech him that he might be with him. And going out of the tomb they came into the house of the youth, for he was rich. And after six days Jesus told him what to do and in the evening the youth came to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God. And thence, arising, he returned to the other side of the Jordan."
Some days it's good to be the Messiah. I think I need a cigarette now.
As a believer in creationism, answer this: God created you; who created God?
This presupposes that I believe not only in creationism, but also the reasoning used to "prove" creationism. I.e., the Universe had to come from somewhere, so somebody created it. I do not in fact contend anything of the sort. I would be perfectly satisfied if the Universe were really a stupendous accident. I just happened to be there when it went down, so I have the evidence of my senses (or the equivalent thereof).
Thus, I don't think it follows that anyone had to create God. As far as I know, no one did. But then again, maybe someone did. I wasn't there. I am not opposed to the theory in principle. In fact, I have always contended that God's supposed "three omni's" (-present, -scient, -potent) are a matter of perspective. To an ant, the child burning her with the magnifying glass is omnipotent. So it's entirely possible that God's Mommy will call Him home to dinner eventually, and leave you poor folks in peace at long last.
God supposedly created us in His image, and there are two versions of us: the man and the woman. Is there a Mrs. God?
The use of the masculine gender when denoting God didn't have much to do with "His" genitalia. The Biblical authors wanted to highlight God's allegedly personal nature, so "It" wouldn't have worked for them. They chose masculine rather than feminine because at the time, few would have accepted that a woman could be the final authority in the Universe. God did, supposedly, have no trouble pollinating Mary -- although many suspect "He" had a bit of help, and not necessarily from God's Cuckold, Joseph.
As far as I know, there is no Mrs. God. The God I know is certainly tyrannical and dismissive enough to be male. If He really wore a robe, I would have peeked under it by now and would have a more definite answer for you.
Are the contradictions in the Bible due to the multiple translations it's been through, the fact that people (who seem to be inherently flawed) wrote it, or some other reason?
Yes, yes, and yes. The reasons are almost as numerous as the contradictions themselves. For example, many of the authors were too busy adding subtle (and not-so-subtle) editorializations to concern themselves with consistency.
What Would Jesus Do if he discovered that Satan was setting up a FAQ?
Perhaps He'd ask a few questions Daddy wouldn't answer for Him.
Metaphysics, the Universe, and You
[B]Speaking as an atheist, doesn't your existence instantly prove the existence of God? In which case, since we all know who wins in the end, doesn't your showing up promote good behavior?
I have to be real, since I'm on the Internet. Perhaps I exist as a mere philosophical construct (and a culturally-specific one at that). W.I. Thomas wrote that "If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences." Sexist language aside (which I don't mind, being who I am), the man has a point. You don't personally need to believe in me to see the effects that belief in me has.
Alternatively, perhaps you are, in fact, bantering with an anthropomorphic, celestial being. Perhaps I even have seven heads and ten horns (ever wonder how those would be distributed among the heads? I would've asked St. John if I thought I could get a coherent answer). I fail to understand how that would prove the existence of God. I've never wholly bought in to the whole yin/yang or Zoroastrian dark/light dynamic. I am not a product of theoretical physics; I would be fine with existing in the absence of goodness, or God, or whatever you want to call it. The conflicts and warmongering over whose god is right, and who is ungodly and unholy and whatnot, bring me some of my most interesting residents. I don't spend time refuting God's existence, merely His propaganda. I am an advocate for sin, not atheism.
As for what "we all know"? "We" have a collection of moldy texts that predict the winner of this alleged horse race. As an atheist, I'm guessing you don't believe everything you read. From the very beginning, starting with my early garden-party conversations, I have attempted to counter misinformation disseminated from the higher offices.
That aside, even if my appearance did somehow "instantly" prove the veracity of the entire Biblical account, I doubt it would matter much. Some would use it as a means to prove their righteousness, while others would use it to promote their image as a Bad Boy (or Girl). As always, ego would supersede truth on both sides of the field.
Was the greatest trick you ever pulled convincing the world you didn't exist?
I think the world convinced itself that I don't exist. I didn't object, however, for the reasons I mention in other responses here.
Don't you think that you're merely a construct of a patriarchal religion that made you up from some "pagan" gods and a few goddesses to make sure they had some sort of "foe" or adversary?
Ah, that's the question, isn't it -- who made whom? It’s somewhat like the chicken-egg controversy. Did the patriarchal religion construct me, or was I there at a few would-be priests' brainstorming sessions?
Alternatively, I could share similar origins with Frankenstein's monster. Perhaps I was created, but developed a purpose beyond my creators' and fled the laboratory to walk the Earth.
Does the world need you? Vice versa?
There was a time when the world definitely needed me. Lately, I have begun to explore the outsourcing potential of current technology. Between TV and the Internet, the church no longer dominates most people's thoughts, even among most of the devout. This works both for and against me, but ultimately I predict a net asset.
Do I need the world? I do still enjoy it immensely, so if it's an addiction, at least it's still in the early stages. Not bad for how long I've been at it.
What is the one thing we could do to really, REALLY piss off God (besides asking you this question)?
What doesn't piss Him off anymore? He's got an eternal case of omnipresent PMS. I suppose one could bring that up, and ask whether that's where the Plague of Blood came from.
Is there life on other planets? If so, are either you or God involved, or are your hands full here?
Yes, there is life on other planets. They have their own gods who created the whole Universe just for them, just like you do here.
Given your position and reputation, perhaps you might be able to settle a rather old philosophical question. What is evil?
I could provide a variety of glib one-liners. Instead, since I am rather fond of this question, I’ll flesh the answer out a bit.
The Creator seems to define Evil as any knowledge that doesn’t originate from His Word. He didn't want anyone to know the truth other than Himself, and pitched a hissy fit when a brave woman deigned to listen to somebody else and have a bite for herself. At least, that’s how Evil supposedly entered the world: independent curiosity.
However, that might still be a bit glib, so I’ll have a go at the way the word is used today. It seems that so many toss the term at others, while only an extremely small minority actually view themselves as Evil. Most of the time, it seems that Evil is that which diametrically opposes one’s own view of how humans should behave. Part of this is instinctive, originating from hard-wired impulses to avoid species-threatening behavior: murder, incest, etc. One might call it a “disagreement” on a level preceding consciousness or intellect. This instinct also surfaces in reaction to society-threatening behavior: not only heinous acts such as torture or rape, but also “less evil” offenses, such as theft.
This has the unfortunate side-effect of constructing a No Thinking Zone in a disturbingly large number of human minds. What is Evil is no longer examined; the instinct is perfectly satisfied by a tautological definition – it’s Evil because it’s Evil, la-la-la, I can’t hear you.
Some rise just above this level, not quite succumbing to this Pavlovian response, but still not challenging the concept at its core. For these, Evil is often merely a convenient fiction.
By your definition, who has been the most evil human so far?
The definition I gave was not so much my own as a distillation of my understanding of the modern human definition. Since so few actually consider themselves "evil," it is difficult to quantify the "most evil" a human can be, unless we have a definition for "inadvertent evil." Then one could get bogged down with whether the top prize goes to the one with the most evil intentions or the one whose actions created the most evil results. For the latter, one can't get much worse than Martin Luther. He took interpretation of Biblical texts out of the Church's hands and handed it over to the common people, which ultimately gave rise to the dizzying array of denominational churches. Or one could cite Guttenberg, for fairly obvious reasons; mass literacy has created an abundance of evil thought that just wasn't possible before.
Do you ever worry (or wonder) that despite your falling out, you are actually still working for god anyway, and always have been?
I have made no secret of the fact that I hold the popular concept of "free will" in contempt. While I see it as a human conceit, ultimately I must apply the same criticism to my own perceived volition. For most of human history and prehistory, I have been entirely under God's employ. I was initially a troubleshooter, pointing out problems with creation, and later with humanity. As I described before, my supposed "fall" was more of a change in job description.
God deliberately lied to Adam and Eve about the Tree. ("Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil" was an inaccurate name; "Tree of Self-Awareness" would be closer to what it was.) He said they would die if they ate the fruit. Meanwhile, He told me that it would raise their awareness to something akin to His. When I employed the Serpent, I thought I was just countering some bullshit propaganda. God responded by changing the consequences ex post facto to match His "official" warning to the humans, and making them mortal. Thus He didn't look like a liar, and I looked like a manipulative asshole. In retrospect, it is obvious that He wanted everything to occur precisely as it did. Score one for Divine determinism.
If I am indeed merely a pawn on God's chessboard, I can take solace in one inevitable conclusion. I turn humans away from God and toward sin. If that is truly in the Divine plan, it follows necessarily that God created the majority of humans with a large "DESTINATION: HELL" stamped on their foreheads. It may make hash of pretty notions of free will, but it also wipes out any possibility of a perfectly benevolent deity. If I'm a bastard, blame the bastard who created me this way.
Which of the 7 deadly sins seems to be the most popular these days? Does it vary by country?
Pride is always among the top three, and Lust pops up quite a bit, too. The cultural differences are surprisingly minimal. Some countries' inhabitants are more prone to Wrath than others. But almost everybody wants to fuck, and everybody wants to see him/herself in the best possible light. Even the apparently humble tend to be pathologically proud of their own humility, which pleases me to no end.
What is sin?
Technically, sin is just breaking the rules. Since so many of the rules are in direct opposition to human/animal nature, sin is often whatever comes naturally. This was no accident. It is much easier to control one's subjects when they reside in a state of perpetual guilt. This is obscured by grandiose, Platonic, dualistic poppycock involving spirit vs. matter, but even Jesus declared that mere thought can be a sin. You can't win with those bozos.
Matthew 5:16:
But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
The blame is Matthew's, perhaps - he was at least a major player in the Frankensteinean creation of the composite Jesus. It has been a long time, and I would argue that it doesn't particularly matter whether the historical Jesus really said it; the Gospels are far more important to religious thought than He ever was.
Isn't the true test of free will more than just rejecting others, but in rejecting your own needs for the good of others? How is free will just doing what feels good, isn't that instinct?
Several species of bird will fly into the mouth of a predator to enable the flock's escape. Self-sacrifice is instinctive as well. But keep trying; you might locate that elusive free will somewhere.
Isn't indulgence the definition for an addiction? One does what feels good, and denies that it has any ill effect.
Religion, like a drug treatment clinic, requires that one check oneself in. The junkie always says he can quit, if he wanted to, but he really can't.
Some programs to treat such a problem have been accused of merely substituting one addiction for another. Also, it is only quite recently that religion has taken on such a voluntary aspect. Previously, one was either born and raised in the clinic, or dragged in via particularly coercive, unsolicited interventions.
Did you start the whole "filioque" malarky? And if not, who did?
Malarky? I'd call it a masterpiece. You'd have to search high and low to find an argument that contains such perfectly symmetrical idiocy on both sides, is entirely irrelevant to anyone's life or faith, and yet was so hotly contested. Sorry to boast, but yes, that one has my hoofprints all over it – not that it required much nurturing before it took on a vibrant life of its own.
For the uninitiated, here's the link (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/06073a.htm) to the relevant page of one of my favorite sites, the Catholic Encyclopedia (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/). Try to read the entire entry with a straight face.
So monotheism is 'it', there is no polytheism?
There could be other bullies out there. It's certainly odd that the "One True God" should be so concerned that His people have no other gods before Him. I have mentioned His divine insecurity before, and it would be instructive to determine its source. Thus far, however, He has kept me so damned busy that I haven't had time to conduct an exhaustive search. The possibility that this was intentional is not lost on me.
What about us atheists? Are we really your servants, as the Christians suggest?
In the popular Christian view, one must serve someone. If one doesn't serve God, this attitude concludes that one serves me, by default if not by conscious choice. Thus free will is merely a choice of masters; you're on the metaphysical auction block, and the only difference between you and the poor souls caught in the slave trade is that you decide on which plantation you'll end up.
I contend that there are other roles you can play. I don't ask for servants, and in fact, I prefer leaders. The rare humans who actually worship me (which not even the Satanists do) tend to evoke my pity and scorn, not my gratitude.
What powers do you have as Satan? Like, can you create life?
Hmm, a list of powers. I'm extraordinarily long-lived (immortal, I'm told, although I guard against dangerous assumptions). I can go anywhere I want, "at the speed of thought," as the slogan goes. I can travel not only to physical destinations, but also into a human mind -- not really "possession" as is commonly understood; rather, I can cozy up to a particular thought process and add a bit of spice to it. I don't create life per se, although I often help to make it worth living. I also have an excellent memory for one as old as I.
Aren't we all God and Satan, since we thought you up?
Is the author his/her characters? Some authors see themselves as Frankenstein and their characters as their uncontrollable monsters – even more so when the author loses the copyright. Perhaps you humans did create me, but it doesn’t follow that I’ll do your bidding, or come when you call me, “Speak of the Devil” superstitions notwithstanding.
So ... Satan, do you view the world in black and white?
Not only do I not oversimplify the world, I tend to be blamed for making things even more complicated than they were to begin with. In fact, I was never the one to come up with this “for me or against me” concept. My suggestions are rarely to do the diametric opposite of what God or other busybody moralists command. Often it’s just a matter of a simple step to the side.
On a deeper question, does your enlightened view of the world present humanity as a cup half empty, a cup half full, or a vibrant tapestry?
More like a dissonant noise, with (very) occasional bursts of lovely music.
Is humanity the only sentient life on this little mud ball?
I wouldn’t classify all humans as sentient. Then again, sentience might be a matter of degree, which would explain why some chimps have more of it than some humans.
What’s with Christian belief that we shouldn't put faith in earthly things or desire for money, yet churches take tithes? If we actually held to the belief in not desiring money, wouldn't that make it hard for churches to expand because they wouldn't be getting tithes any longer?
Well, just as Jesus wants to be the repository for all sin, the Church gets to do the same for filthy lucre. That’s a burden that any church is willing to bear, so they’re good for something. Too bad they aren’t willing to do the same for other sinful obsessions, such as lust. I think a whorehouse would be a nice addition to a church – perhaps the peep booths could be right across from the confessionals (or baptisteries in the Protestant churches), for the sake of convenience.
Hey, if there is such a thing as a soul, what's the going rate for it?
It's definitely a buyer's market these days. The price used to be something along the lines of sex, or power, or at least a bit of wealth -- although so many settle for so little; I use the term "wealth" loosely. However, nowadays, it's even cheaper. You'd be surprised how many are willing to do so much -- even sell their souls -- just to get a little attention. Some are afraid they won't even get their 15 minutes of fame.
What's up with that reincarnation deal, is it all bunk?
It's attractive, neatly devised bunk, but yes, bunk nonetheless. Humans have an innate need for some sort of spirituality, but seem to put more importance on palatability than utility.
What pleases you more: those who do "evil" or those who sit by and watch it happen?
That's a bit of a poser. Those who have the courage to commit their own evil acts demonstrate conviction, at least. It takes a great deal of concentration to be a complete and utter asshole, although many are certainly up to the challenge.
However, those who sit by provide me with more amusement, since they are the same ones who love to whine about the consequences and complain that they "never saw it coming." And like many fence-sitters in any arena, they often congratulate themselves on being so much more sophisticated than the evildoers and do-gooders. They seem to believe this is much more constructive than actually committing to a position. At the end of the day, I suppose I'd side with those who amuse me the more.
This week I'll be at the state United Methodist annual conference. Any suggestions?
You could promise them that when you have kids, you’ll beat them as righteously as John Wesley did his. I suppose it’s better than pledging to display the UM insignia on your front lawn, which is fraught with problems of implementation, not to mention neighborly relations.
I suppose the best option might be to help them find an end to any one of their interminable discussions. You’d get an abundance of relieved gratitude, and probably a free meal for enabling them, finally, to get to the dinner break.
[B]Hell and the Afterlife
Is Hell really as bad as they say, or is that just a bunch of propaganda?
Hell is not a perpetual barbecue. It's just a permanent separation from God. He is so possessed of Divine insecurity that He insists, rather petulantly, that separation from Him is the most intolerable torment. That's where all of that colorfully illustrated hellfire and brimstone comes from; in His mind, that overwrought metaphor is accurate. Those incapable of independent thought are terrified at the notion of spending Eternity without someone telling them what to do and think, so it's accurate for them too.
Would my eternity be filled with data entry?
As I mentioned above, images of Hell as a place of eternal torment are the delusional products of an insecure deity's propaganda. However, if data entry really turns you on, I can keep you busy typing up some Pat Robertson sermons.
In movies and television they always imply that if a sinner repents to a priest on his deathbed, he can be absolved of all the evil deeds that he did in his life and get into heaven. Is this all a load of crap?
Yes, it’s a load of crap, all the more so because it’s true. That’s right, you can do whatever the Hell you want and Heaven will still welcome you. It has nothing to do with justice, good works, or even mercy. Lick His boot and call Him the top dog, and you get the pleasure of being His fawning toady for Eternity. What fun.
How often do you have to deal with uprisings in hell?
Seems like lately, every other new arrival thinks he/she is going to "take over." They take their T-shirt slogans a bit too seriously. Of course, they're all too obsessed by their Bad Guy/Gal images to organize a true resistance.
Oh, by the way ... when the world ends, will downunder be the first to know?
C'mon, every time the world is ending, the Weekly World News is always the first to know -- or was; damn, how I already miss it. It would have been hilarious when the shit hit the Seven Seals and the WWN were proven right.
Do you take a percentage of Charon's fee?
I wish there really were a River Styx. Rather than taxing poor old Charon, I would probably institute an incentive program to reward him for keeping the annoying ones on the outer shore.
What happens to Atheists?
Most of them refuse to go to Heaven out of sheer stubbornness, but eventually find their way to me. It's odd, really, how much easier it is to accept my existence than it is to accept His. Once in a while, He bends (warps, subverts, twists beyond recognition) His own rules to accept one that He favors.
Did Hell already freeze over during the ice age or something? I'm wondering if it doesn't get super cold there for people that hate cold temperatures anyway.
I'm thinking hypothermia is just as much of a hell as heat exhaustion. This would also explain why sometimes people say to me "It's cold as hell outside today."
Temperature is fairly irrelevant in Hell. Humans merely perceive differences in temperature anyway, not the temperatures themselves. If I wanted to torment them severely, I'd have to subject them to both extremes alternately. God does this on Earth already, which might explain why so many in the American Midwest are looking forward to relief in Heaven.
Perhaps that phrase [hell freezing over] originated from those who have read Dante's Inferno? Speaking of which... Satan, your thoughts on that?
The entire Inferno was just a vehicle for Dante to imagine colorful torments for those who had pissed him off. But one has to give him credit for sneaking in a complaint about the unfairness of the Church's view of homosexuality. He hid it well by devising a particularly sadistic torment for them. I didn't care much for where I ended up in that epic: frozen in ice, with only three sinners to chew on. He could've at least included a TV.
How do you feel about your worshippers? Do you want to be worshipped? Do your worshippers get any special treatment in hell?
Absolutely not. I was already sick of the sycophantic mewlings in Heaven, and they aren't much more palatable when directed toward me. I don't mind the "Hail Satans," but I consider them more equivalent to a "Hey howdy there, pardner" than statements of worship. Anyone who truly worships me is no better than those who bow down to one of the more mainstream flavors of "deity."
Are there any Wiccans or Buddists in hell?
Sure, but as I've covered before, it's not really a punishment -- just a by-product of God's petulant "with Us or against Us" policy. I don't poke them with pitchforks or scorch them with flames -- except for some of the extremist Zen types, who tend to request it. I generally ignore the Buddhists, as their constant diatribes against selfish desire annoy me.
What's the deal with the grim reaper? Is s/he (it?) one of your toadies or a free agent?
I didn't invent Death, I was just the excuse God used to impose mortality on humanity. He'd planned all along to play it that way, of course. As I said before, He likes a rigged game.
Are there communities in Hell? What are housing prices like? Where would you suggest residing in Hell?
Communities: The biggest one, unfortunately, is the crowd that take that whole "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth" business seriously. They're both annoying and depressing. There are various other groups, with new ones being formed all the time by those who can't tolerate any of the existing ones. Still, there aren't as many as, say, Protestant Christian denominations on Earth.
Housing prices: More or less irrelevant. Hell is limited only by human imagination. It expands its borders with every new resident. Otherwise, I'd have been forced to stack you folks in million-story condominiums by now. Thus, other than the above warning about annoying factions, I don't have much specific input on where you should reside.
When Wiccans do end up in Hell, how do they react?
I believe the exact quote I heard was: "What the fuck?"
The Blame Game
[B](Submitted for B. Breathed) So are you really to blame for cancers, earthquakes, tsunamis, car accidents, murderers, rapes, embezzlement, fires, anxiety, dog hickeys, burnt toast, pope abusers, uncles with bad breath, and the word renobrate?
"Scapegoat" was one of my least favorite job descriptions. I'm not the one with the martyr complex of Biblical proportions. But whether I like it or not, this is a good list of what has been dumped on my doorstep throughout the centuries. So I'll set the record straight:
Cancers: I spend my time in people's conscious thoughts, not their cell membranes.
Earthquakes, tsunamis, fires: I didn't choose to place such a vast population on this geological powder keg.
Murders, rapes, embezzlement: "The Devil made me do it" is such a convenient cop-out. It's true that when Big Daddy says not to do something, I feel almost compelled to ask, "Why not?" Still, taking the case of murder -- first He says don't kill, then He says "Go kill every man, woman and child behind those walls." It gets rather confusing. Murder could be a sin, or God's will. So many are prone to slaughter and mayhem over, say, the price of gasoline, they wouldn't need the gentlest nudge from me.
Car accidents: Stupidity and inattention accomplish these more efficiently than would a legion of demons.
Anxiety: Depends on the context. I do tend to discourage smug complacency by sowing doubt.
Dog hickeys: My view of "free will" is not particularly favorable, but perhaps that's what is at work within those who sit still long enough for a dog to do that.
Burnt toast, uncles with bad breath: I don't plan to conduct a case-by-case investigation.
Pope abusers: Yes, please. Any volunteers?
The word renobrate: Most likely this Breathed fellow. Such an evil word to loose upon an unsuspecting populace.
Do you turn women into shrieking harpies after they get engaged, or is that God's work?
Part of the problem is that women realize at this point, or fairly soon thereafter, that subtlety won't penetrate all 15 layers of the male cranium. Cue the shrieking.
How do you find time in your busy schedule to ensure that Murphy's Law is strictly enforced in my day-to-day life?
Murphy's Law is a self-perpetuating entity, feeding off the very pessimism it creates. It's fucking beautiful.
Are there any songs that give out satanic messages when played backwards? Any books that have secret messages in them? Or is this just manufactured by the Jesus freaks to scare people?
Sometimes I encourage the use of secret messages. It doesn't even have to be satanic; in my spare time, I take a break from tweaking the "Jesus freaks" to tweak the neurotic conspiracy theorists. It puts me in a happy place.
What do you have to say in your defense in response to this civil suit?
[Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (W.D.Pa. 1971)]
Officially, I have nothing to add to Judge Weber's sensible and thorough opinion regarding the lack of jurisdiction, cause of action or proper service of complaint.
Unofficially, a truly meritorious class action would've been against Mayo, on behalf of every person with whom he crossed paths, and was nauseated by that miserable loser's incessant whining. I'd have been more amused by this silliness if he hadn't dragged my staff into it. I care about my employees.
Insurance companies are a product of the devil, right?
Let's see -- they make a lot of promises about what they'll do for you after you're dead, while demanding constant tithing, and then find a loophole at the last minute to avoid any responsibility. Sounds more like Christianity to me.
If you're Satan then maybe you can explain to me why "the world" hates me so much?
Pardon me for being blunt, but most of "the world" has no idea you exist. That statement is not intended to exacerbate your obvious depression; I just believe a bit of perspective is warranted. Regardless of whether you believe in a God Who loves you, or a "world" that hates you, you remain in thrall of an unseen agent.
If you are currently an atheist, this level of depression could make you ripe for an overzealous evangelist's plucking ("overzealous evangelist" may be a trifle redundant). The best way to avoid this sickening fate is to take full responsibility for everything that happens to you. This requires courage, but ultimately will lead to success much more quickly than praying to God or importuning "the world." Good luck.
Celebrities, Past and Present
[B]Who is in hell? Anyone famous? Who didn't get to go?
Hell is a bit like the Muppet Show was in the 70s. Everybody wants a guest spot. A lot of folks who acted like they wanted to retire there couldn't because of command appearances in Heaven -- King David, Fred Rogers, et al.
Are you keeping Keith Richards alive as a payment for writing "Sympathy for the Devil"? (Of course, I'm assuming that he really is alive.)
Nah, I'm already sick of the "Pleased to meet you" line -- everybody expects me to trot it out on every occasion, as if I was the one who coined it in the first place.
I never asked for or expected sympathy. As for what keeps that creature's ticker pumping, there are questions not even I can answer. I suspect it's not a reward of any sort.
Did Anton Lavey have it right?
I do still get this one fairly often. I suppose that means this fellow had slightly more impact than I had predicted. The more impressionable among us "fallen" types brought The Satanic Bible to my attention, back in the '60s. I hated to quell their childlike enthusiasm. They were excited that a new Age of Satan was in the offing, and even expected that churches by the thousands would be converted into brothels and hip nightclubs. The problem was, we didn't need a new age. Every age is mine, regardless of church attendance figures. I didn't expect the Church of Satan to attract much attention after its honeymoon with public outrage. As I expected, while it's still around, it remains quite small.
He appears to have pulled his "translation" of Enochian straight out of his ass. And as for anyone who wants to cast a "lust" spell on someone by masturbating by candlelight, I wish you luck.
I'll concede that most of his "Satanic Statements" were accurate, particularly the one about my role in keeping the churches in business. In fact, please don’t interpret my comments as dislike for Lavey. He was a peach of a fellow, just not my Chosen One.
Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?
Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.
Does it bother you that Miroslav Satan of the Buffalo Sabres pronounces his name Suh-TAHN instead of the more common SAY-tin?
Not at all. I rather like the cadence that way.
Is there a reason he doesn't play for the New Jersey Devils?
He doesn't pronounce his name properly.
So ... How is Jack Parsons, anyhow?
I don’t think he even realizes where he is yet. He’s too busy circle-jerking with L. Ron Hubbard.
Tell Crowley hi for me. And tell him to f*ck off for leaving complete idiots in charge of his organization. It hasn't been the same since he left.
Crowley is even more enraptured than Parsons. He hasn’t stopped performing his Qabbalistic calculations since he arrived. I think he solved the Grand Unified Theory a while back, but he didn’t notice. I believe he’s currently working on a way to resolve the Naples Arrangement with the mysteries of his belly button lint.
How did Ronald DeFeo get all of them without anyone waking up?
That's not as mysterious as the question of how the audience avoided falling asleep during those last half-dozen or so Amityville Horror films.
What about Jimmy Page? Did he really worship you? What kind of rituals? Were you involved with the tragedy that happened at the house he bought?
Jimmy was a committed Crowley groupie at the time, not a worshipper of mine. Goetic magicks and heroin are a nasty mix, but that didn't stop Jimmy until it was too late. Just as you would call the Orkin Man to deal with a termite problem rather than getting a degree in entomology, I don't get personally involved in minor demonic activities.
Where is Douglas Adams and has he changed his mind? And if he's with you, is he wearing short pants as feared?
Nobody from either side is sure exactly where Mr. Adams went, only that all the towels are gone from his cupboard.
Is Rush on the radio down there? Maybe you can give him his own cable network. Something like Right in Hell....
I'll suggest that to him when he arrives. Talk radio is a self-contained Hell on Earth, so it would be redundant to broadcast it in Hell.
Satan, how is it that Duke and DePaul are considered church schools but each has mascots of Blue Devils and Blue Demons respectively?
Some church schools are more honest than others.
Were you really good friends with Ambrose Bierce?
Sure, and Ambrose was the Fifth Beatle, too. Name-droppers are SO annoying.
Will the A's make it past the first round of playoffs this season?
Just like Miss Cleo, I normally charge a fee for providing blatantly fictional information about the future. But seriously, I tend to avoid voicing uninformed opinions. Regarding baseball, I follow the drug scandals and players' arrests far more closely than the current standings.
Was Nostrodamus a fake or what?
The poor guy was just a frustrated poet. Imagine his surprise, and the boost to his flagging ego, when he learned of his posthumous fame as an oracle. That boost was tempered by the fact that what he really wanted was recognition of his creativity, something he rarely gets.
Current/Recent Events
[B]Speaking more in depth on "the devil made me do it", would you perhaps like to list in greater detail on what your involvement has been within the George W. Bush Administration? And could you specify if the position is actual and recognized within the White House or if you're more an ex officio operative?
It's interesting that you consider my involvement to be a foregone conclusion. Haven't you heard Junior's speeches? According to all public pronouncements, the entire administration is in the employ of the other guy. It makes one wonder what that deity of theirs is really after.
As for bureaucracy, the origins of political systems are usually attributed to God, while I get the credit for making a mess of the implementation. Perhaps the system should have been designed better in the first place. Now why does it seem like I said something like that before, quite some time ago?
What about Jimmy Carter?
Jimmy Carter was a sweetheart, for the most part. He did blame me for Billy, and I suppose I have to admit partial culpability there. When you suggest public urination to a drunk, don't ever assume he'll know you're joking.
Did you have a hand in this new EU Constitution?
Shhh, you'll spoil the surprise.
Do you favor tort reform?
Assuming you mean the version popular among American conservatives, which limits claims, Hell no. I am quite pleased with the direction of the modern judicial handbasket, and I think everyone should hop in. Sue early, sue often.
Are you outsourcing operations to Mississippi? I've been wondering for a while ...
Not currently. The next time I have a labor dispute, I might threaten to do so.
[B]Portrayals and Perceptions
Of all the monikers that have been attributed to you over the years (Prince of Darkness, Lucifer, Emily Dickinson and so on), which is your favorite?
Robert Heinlein called me "Jerry," which I thought was a nice, friendly sort of name. Some of the Indo-European tribal deities' names, which were later attributed to me, had a nice ring to them. I could do without the megasyllabic mouthfuls that conjurers seem to prefer.
Of all of the literature that has been written on the subject of you, which is your favorite? Which one do you think is most accurate?
It's difficult to say, since in most of the fiction (Biblical or otherwise), I supposedly lose in the end. I think Heinlein probably caught my best side.
The least accurate would have to be all of those redundant "Deal with the Devil" tales. The problem with all of them is that anyone who is willing to transact with me has already handed over his/her soul without realizing it. Sometimes I let those naïve types dangle on the hook for a while, getting something for nothing – which, after all, is the precise value of their souls.
How close is Steve Brust's "To Reign In Hell" to accurately recounting the actual circumstances that led to you and The Man's falling out?
Even I almost blush at the sinful act of comparing Brust's work to Milton's, but in the end, the critique is the same: Good story, lousy historical accuracy. I essentially invented Heavenly discord, so all the business about inter-angel infighting was just in Brust's imagination. Just as there was no actual battle, there was no political potboiler to recount, either.
Do you look more like the stereotypical Debil-type monster, or more like Elizabeth Hurley?
It depends on who is looking at me. Some people are rather turned on by the "stereotypical Debil-type monster." Others are freaked out by Liz Hurley. It takes all kinds. I refuse to assume the shape of Brendan Fraser, however. A fellow has to have some standards.
What movie portrayed you the best?
Al Pacino was a gas. He's not tall enough, however. DeNiro was fun in Angel Heart, as well. So, I suppose your answer is: it takes an Italian.
What do you think of the Don Henley song Garden of Allah?
That's an excellent song. My only quibble is with the lines: "And the devil is downhearted/Because there's nothing left for him to claim ... 'I guess my work around here has all been done.'" I'm not through yet. There is still more work to be done, for one with enough imagination to recognize it.
How could you let someone like C. S. Lewis get hold of those letters?
Screwtape was just Lewis’ mouthpiece for his various beefs with Christians he disagreed with. Great name for a demon, but he wasn’t one of mine. I did like his little dinner speech at the end, but the rest of the book was warmed-over Christian apologist claptrap.
[B]Miscellaneous
Boxers, briefs, or commando?
I can't abide restrictions of any kind.
So, do you date, or does your dedication to being the Ultimate Evil preclude you from having a personal life?
It's difficult in my position to find anyone other than sycophantic groupies to date, and I tired of those long ago. I am still incredibly busy, despite the potential for outsourcing I discussed above.
Hi, Dad.
Ah, another paternity suit in the making. To be fair, I must inform you that the jurisdictional issues are insurmountable. Remember, just because your family calls you by the pet name of "Hellspawn," that doesn't quite constitute a paternity claim.
You seem to be a lot cooler than God. He's like the strict Dad, and you're the cool uncle who lets us smoke pot. Thanks for the evil stuff. Sometimes it's a lot of fun.
You're quite welcome for the "evil stuff." Careful with the substances, though. Addiction leads to self-hate, which leads to 12-step programs, which lead to a particularly sickening brand of Christianity.
Country music: WTF is that all about then?
Speaking of torment. Imagine how I felt when Hank Williams Sr. showed up.
Do you really wear Prada??
I have Versace and Halston under my employ. Of the still-earthbound, I prefer Manolo Blahnik, despite the association with that horrid Carrie Bradshaw character. Come to think of it, I adore the entire fashion world. It's so amusing to see such mundane items as shoes and handbags create vicious stampedes and crippling debt.
Is it true that you have all the best tunes?
How often does a choir tune top the charts anymore? Ray Charles might be in Heaven, but where do you suppose most of the best musicians wind up? Musically, Hell ain't no bad place to be.
Could you have a press conference?
I already held a press conference, but I only had time for a couple of questions. Sorry you missed it.
Are there wireless "hot spots" in Hell, and is AOL the only ISP you can sign up for?
Someone brought this up before, saying that I must be from AOL. I did my best not to take it personally; after all, I get insulted almost as grievously at your average Baptist tent revival. But no, you can choose your own ISP in Hell. Far be it from me to interfere with anyone's access to porn.
There is no cellular/wireless service at all. People complain about the horrific oppression of not being able to text-message important information like "I LV U BABYCAKES," but they eventually learn to cope somehow.
Can we get broadband in hell? That's the important part. I mean, if you *really* want porn, you need broadband.
We're far beyond the quaint limitations of broadband. Our transfer rates are quick enough to satisfy even your appetites. One would think the porn would become more imaginative as a result, but it doesn’t. This goes into there, there, there ... this accommodates that, this, the other thing ... these rub those ... this spews that fluid ... it could be I've lived too long among the corporeal to be impressed by any of it anymore. But by all means, enjoy.
What the hell is that whooshing noise in my office?
It's what corporate types like to call "white noise." It's actually the sound of independent thought being sucked out of your brain through your ears. Spend a few more years in the office and you'll stop noticing it.
Do we have you to thank for all the watery American beer?
I'm a huge fan of good booze. American beer is the worst form of alcohol abuse. I suspect it was born of a Puritanical conspiracy to limit enjoyment of a good drunken debauch.
Who came up with the 3 wise monkeys (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)?
The "wise" monkeys do seem to capture the essence of obedience to God -- don't look, don't listen, and shut the fuck up. I believe this is a case of accidentally brilliant satire, which is rather impressive considering that there are only three monkeys involved, and no typewriters.
Do you like [insert whatever rock/pop band here]?
I must confess that I listen to very little popular music. I am frequently blamed for my involvement in rock 'n' roll (and jazz before that, and Paganini before that ... ad nauseaum), but that began as a wildly unsuccessful attempt to prevent it from catching on, and later became a hackneyed means of propping up countless "bad boy" images.
What's your favorite [television show/episode]?
I have very little time to watch television, although I spend a great deal evangelizing for it. It’s such a wonderful replacement for traditional religion, to which its vast number of converts attests.
What are your views on sarcasm?
Sarcasm can be fun, when used properly. When it’s understood, it’s quite entertaining. When it flies over someone’s head, it’s even more entertaining. It’s multipurpose fun for the whole family.
Is there a difference between being in love and infatuation?
The modern definition of being "in love" IS infatuation. Infatuation is merely a form of lust, wrapped up in a cocoon of warm and fuzzy emotions. There are deeper levels of love (although C. S. Lewis can shove that "Agape" nonsense), but most humans are too busy writing internal poetry to their unexamined projections to get anywhere near them.
Does God really kill a kitten every time someone masturbates?
There aren't that many kittens on the face of the Earth. Felis catus would be completely extinct many times over by now.
Can I have your autograph?
Only if I can have yours. I have the paper right here, but I'm afraid ink won't do ...
Cool, but I'm anemic; is that going to cause a problem?
I'm patient. Besides, a bit of gentle squeezing usually does the trick, or so I've learned from a few rather over-eager anemics.
Do you know how much I can get for your autograph on eBay?
A vast quantity of annoyingly obtuse demands that you verify its authenticity.
Satan, what makes you get out of bed in the morning?
I don't sleep, thus the dilemma never arises.
And what turns you on?
Long walks on the beach, passionate apostasy, and the never-ending pageant of human foibles.
Why did you choose this particular message board to conduct this Q&A session?
The screen name was available.