Wishing things were otherwise

[HelenM]

If you're in a situation you don't like, do you think wishing it were otherwise/fantasizing about it being different is an effective way to deal with it?

It seems to me that doing so reinforces and worsens my dissatisfaction with my current situation rather than helping alleviate it.

I think part of how bad a situation seems is based on what we tell ourselves about it. If we keep saying "this is terrible" then it can't seem otherwise than terrible.

And if we're fantasizing about it being different/wishing it were otherwise then that distracts us from thinking about whether there are any ways we could actually improve it and then implementing them.

I was listening to a speaker recently and thinking "she has no idea that one way of making such-and-such seem less terrible is to stop talking about how terrible it is". I wish I'd written it down at the time because it seemed like a perfect example of someone failing to realize how much their attitude and thoughts can affect their happiness.

Comments?

Helen

[Dingfod]

There are other ways of dealing with a situation you don't like, weigh the good vs the bad, think of the alternatives, sometimes the alternative is worse, and take it one day at a time. By weighing those various factors, I will cope with my situation until the balance tilts in the direction of doing something about it.

To say not to talk about the problems in life is to say never seek help, never vent, etc., a very old fashioned idea. My problems are ones I kept bottled up for almost a quarter century, never ever talking about it to anyone. They aren't going to go away by not talking about them. Talking about it helps me cope. The internet has become a cheap session on the psychiatrists couch for many people including myself.

I've run fantasy alternate personal histories in my mind throughout my life, it's kind of a hobby of mine, when I've had time to daydream. I cannot remember one time I've been able to successfully run a scenario through my mind and exclude my partner of 28 years, I just cannot imagine life without her. I've tried, for good reason I've tried. I can think of all the mistakes I've made in life and imagine how life would've been if I had made a different decision, but that's not one of the ones I can do.

[lady cop]

there are definately times i hate my job, usually when exhausted. i have even considered that it steals my soul because of the attitude one deveops when dealing with scumweasels each day. everyone has fantasies of roads not taken. so my fantasies involve leaving my work and moving to another place, which i am going to do in 2005. we have to make things change when we discover things really ARE terrible!

[viscousmemories]

And if we're fantasizing about it being different/wishing it were otherwise then that distracts us from thinking about whether there are any ways we could actually improve it and then implementing them.
I agree with what seems to be the thrust of your post: That dwelling on the negative can be counterproductive to seeking improvement. On the other hand it seems to me that fantasizing and/or wishing things were different is the natural first step in pursuing positive change.

[Godless Dave]

This is a sore spot for me because I recently ran through a bout of not being attracted to my (then)girlfriend and thinking a lot about being with other women (one in particular, but not exclusively). For months I tried to figure out if I was thinking about other women because I was dissatisfied with my girlfriend, or was I dissatisfied with my girlfriend because I allowed myself to imagine myself with other women? In the end I decided the former, and I'm pretty sure I was right. Yep, pretty sure.

[maddog]

My first, hard-nosed, reaction to this is that "wishing" never did anybody any good. In more measured terms, I always liked the way the Serenity Prayer put it: to have the courage to change the things I CAN change,
the serenity to accept the things I CAN'T change
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I run into "wishing things were otherwise" most often about other people, than about situations. Through many years of therapy, I'm finally "getting it" that I can't change anyone else; the only person I can work on is me. And that's hard enough, to get myself to change! Same with situations I suppose. What can I actually DO? Choose something and do it.

There are also techniques out there to help one with the "acceptance" part of things that we CAN'T do anything to change. Realizing my own part in my "misfortunes" is one thing that restores perspective. Another is Naikan sitting (see David K. Reynolds's description of this in Constructive Living). Another is practicing compassion and gratitude.

One of the best things to do when dwelling on the negative is to force yourself outside of yourself, and to do something for someone else. Whenever I do, my problems seem so much smaller than other people's. Physical exercise is supposed to help things feel brighter, too, though I don't really have a good experience of this in my own life. That's one of those pieces of wisdom that "they" say. You know, the ubiquitous "they" that always know so much better than I do.

#123

[HelenM]

There are other ways of dealing with a situation you don't like, weigh the good vs the bad, think of the alternatives, sometimes the alternative is worse, and take it one day at a time. By weighing those various factors, I will cope with my situation until the balance tilts in the direction of doing something about it.

Yes, I've found those other ways can be helpful.

And I agree with your implication - if I'm understanding you correctly - that in some situations we might know we'd like to take action to change them, but it can still take time for us to be ready/able to take that action.

To say not to talk about the problems in life is to say never seek help, never vent, etc., a very old fashioned idea. My problems are ones I kept bottled up for almost a quarter century, never ever talking about it to anyone. They aren't going to go away by not talking about them. Talking about it helps me cope. The internet has become a cheap session on the psychiatrists couch for many people including myself.

I know it feels awful to think there's no-one I can talk to about what's really going on in my life; finding a supportive audience can be very comforting and reassuring.

But I've also noticed that what I say affects my mood; when I have opportunity to share my problems I often make myself feel worse by doing so; ironically, conversations where I feel some restraint on what I say sometimes are more helpful to my mood because I don't end up focusing on my problems.

So for me a balance is good; I need to feel I can share about my problems if I want to, but it's not necessarily best for my mood to do so, in a given situation.

I've run fantasy alternate personal histories in my mind throughout my life, it's kind of a hobby of mine, when I've had time to daydream. I cannot remember one time I've been able to successfully run a scenario through my mind and exclude my partner of 28 years, I just cannot imagine life without her. I've tried, for good reason I've tried. I can think of all the mistakes I've made in life and imagine how life would've been if I had made a different decision, but that's not one of the ones I can do.

What I'm wondering is whether you find that helpful. I don't think it would help me but I don't want to presuppose that it doesn't help you.

Thanks for your response, Warren :)

Helen

[HelenM]

there are definately times i hate my job, usually when exhausted. i have even considered that it steals my soul because of the attitude one deveops when dealing with scumweasels each day. everyone has fantasies of roads not taken. so my fantasies involve leaving my work and moving to another place, which i am going to do in 2005. we have to make things change when we discover things really ARE terrible!

I think it's a great response to difficult situations to take action and change them when that's possible.

Do you agree that part of us thinking something really is terrible is in our mind and what we tell ourselves about it?

Helen

[HelenM]

And if we're fantasizing about it being different/wishing it were otherwise then that distracts us from thinking about whether there are any ways we could actually improve it and then implementing them.
I agree with what seems to be the thrust of your post: That dwelling on the negative can be counterproductive to seeking improvement. On the other hand it seems to me that fantasizing and/or wishing things were different is the natural first step in pursuing positive change.

That's a good point, vm - thanks. I agree that visualizing what could be different and what you could change can be an effective way to plan change.

I was thinking of fantasizing that isn't part of any sort of plan to change, that's an end in itself and doesn't lead to any actual change.

Helen

[lady cop]

there are definately times i hate my job, usually when exhausted. i have even considered that it steals my soul because of the attitude one deveops when dealing with scumweasels each day. everyone has fantasies of roads not taken. so my fantasies involve leaving my work and moving to another place, which i am going to do in 2005. we have to make things change when we discover things really ARE terrible!

I think it's a great response to difficult situations to take action and change them when that's possible.

Do you agree that part of us thinking something really is terrible is in our mind and what we tell ourselves about it?

Helenyou are absolutely correct in that it is not always possible to change things. i am fortunate in being LE and single, so may do as i like. and go where i will. LE is needed everywhere. and i dislike my current location a great deal. of course what we tell ourselves is a factor, we can and do control how we react to things...but it my case, my job really does suck, it's not just in my mind! LOL..note i LOVE LE, it's my venue that sucks, the demographics.

[HelenM]

This is a sore spot for me because I recently ran through a bout of not being attracted to my (then)girlfriend and thinking a lot about being with other women (one in particular, but not exclusively). For months I tried to figure out if I was thinking about other women because I was dissatisfied with my girlfriend, or was I dissatisfied with my girlfriend because I allowed myself to imagine myself with other women? In the end I decided the former, and I'm pretty sure I was right. Yep, pretty sure.

I'm glad you said this because I do think it can be hard to know how much of our own dissatisfaction is caused by the way we think about our situation.

The grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side effect tends to distort things too - you're often more aware of what's wrong with the person you know well, than the person you know a little.

I think one important thing is not to obsessively second-guess yourself and wonder endlessly if you made the right decision. You decide, you move on. If something comes to light or happens that convinces you you made the wrong decision, and you can go back, then go back. But otherwise, put it behind you so you don't agonize over an already-made decision. (That's what I have to do, anyway)

Helen

[HelenM]

My first, hard-nosed, reaction to this is that "wishing" never did anybody any good. In more measured terms, I always liked the way the Serenity Prayer put it: to have the courage to change the things I CAN change,
the serenity to accept the things I CAN'T change
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hi maddog,

Yes, I like the Serenity Prayer too. :)

I run into "wishing things were otherwise" most often about other people, than about situations. Through many years of therapy, I'm finally "getting it" that I can't change anyone else; the only person I can work on is me.

Indeed! It can be disappointing at first, realizing that, but ultimately it's very freeing because it means you can redirect all the energy you were putting into trying to change others and use it in ways which do achieve results.

And that's hard enough, to get myself to change! Same with situations I suppose. What can I actually DO? Choose something and do it.

Yes - I think that's a good perspective: first analyze what you can do and then choose one of those things and do it.

There are also techniques out there to help one with the "acceptance" part of things that we CAN'T do anything to change. Realizing my own part in my "misfortunes" is one thing that restores perspective. Another is Naikan sitting (see David K. Reynolds's description of this in Constructive Living). Another is practicing compassion and gratitude.

Yes - that's a good way of putting it. Both compassion and gratitude work for me because they restore my perspective and prevent me thinking so much about my own problems.

One of the best things to do when dwelling on the negative is to force yourself outside of yourself, and to do something for someone else. Whenever I do, my problems seem so much smaller than other people's.

I agree, but I also know that sometimes I don't have the emotional energy to do that. When I do I do find it helps.

Physical exercise is supposed to help things feel brighter, too, though I don't really have a good experience of this in my own life.

It really works for me but again, it takes some effort (emotionally and physically) to do it. Exercise has chemical effects that are mood-altering; it's like taking a drug with no side-effects :) (as long as you don't do so much you hurt yourself!)

That's one of those pieces of wisdom that "they" say. You know, the ubiquitous "they" that always know so much better than I do.

"they" aren't always right, but based on my experience "they" are right about exercise, if they're saying it's helpful.

Helen

[HelenM]

you are absolutely correct in that it is not always possible to change things. i am fortunate in being LE and single, so may do as i like. and go where i will. LE is needed everywhere. and i dislike my current location a great deal. of course what we tell ourselves is a factor, we can and do control how we react to things...but it my case, my job really does suck, it's not just in my mind! LOL..note i LOVE LE, it's my venue that sucks, the demographics.

I'm certainly not trying to convince you to believe your job is really ok, if it's not ok for you.

What is LE?

Helen

[Godless Dave]

LE=Law Enforcement

And while every community needs law enforcement personnel, many of them don't have the funds available to pay them. My state has openings in the state police and qualified people willing to fill them, but no money to train or pay them. But, according to some, we have plenty of money for other priorities, like a new baseball stadium :mad: .

[Beth]

But I've also noticed that what I say affects my mood; when I have opportunity to share my problems I often make myself feel worse by doing so; ironically, conversations where I feel some restraint on what I say sometimes are more helpful to my mood because I don't end up focusing on my problems.

So for me a balance is good; I need to feel I can share about my problems if I want to, but it's not necessarily best for my mood to do so, in a given situation. I think it is best to talk about things if I am truly bothered but to be careful about how negatively I describe things and to not try to think about how it could have been when i talk about problems. Well, if they are things that really hurt me deep down.

I sometime like to daydream, but rather than dream about an alternate life which causes me pain, I dream about and go over my goals and try to imagine me achieving them. When I dream about an alternate life or what could have been, I end up very angry and agitated.

[HelenM]

Thanks for explaining LE, Dave.


But I've also noticed that what I say affects my mood; when I have opportunity to share my problems I often make myself feel worse by doing so; ironically, conversations where I feel some restraint on what I say sometimes are more helpful to my mood because I don't end up focusing on my problems.

So for me a balance is good; I need to feel I can share about my problems if I want to, but it's not necessarily best for my mood to do so, in a given situation. I think it is best to talk about things if I am truly bothered but to be careful about how negatively I describe things and to not try to think about how it could have been when i talk about problems. Well, if they are things that really hurt me deep down.

I sometime like to daydream, but rather than dream about an alternate life which causes me pain, I dream about and go over my goals and try to imagine me achieving them. When I dream about an alternate life or what could have been, I end up very angry and agitated.

That makes sense and ties in with what vm was saying about some kinds of fantasizing helping us plan change.

Helen