NEED HUGS!!!

[maddog]

That's it! This week officially sucks. Maddy (cat) hasn't come back and it's been over a week. And my friend Charlie died today. And even though they called me to tell me that he had deteriorated, and they didn't expect him to live beyond 24-48 hours, 20-30 minutes was too late; he was already gone by the time I got there. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm cranky. I'm exhausted.

Life sucks. Xmas sucks. December sucks. Loss and heartbreak suck. I hate everything. I wish I'd never been born. Seriously. Then I'd never have been hurt. Then I wouldn't have to worry about dying. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anybody else dying either. I'd never have had to make choices. I'd never have to have been such a doofus confounded blankety-blank fuckup. I'd never have hurt anyone. Too bad they never ask you if you wanted to be born. No, thanks, I'll skip it.

Whoever designed this system so that everything has to live and die, and that death strips so much dignity and autonomy away from us, deserves to die themselves, in the most ignominious, humiliating, grotesque and long-drawn-out horrible way possible. Shooting or hanging is too good. So there.

I'm going to bed and crash out now. Blankety-blank-blank blank blank blank blank. Kirby Puckett. So there again.

And I forgot to say: :angry:
CANCER SUCKS!!! Who thought THAT one up?!?! GRRRR!!!
So there, so there, again, again.
Mmph.
#126

[LadyShea]

:hug:

[wade-w]

I wish I had some way to cheer you up, Maddog. I can tell you that you aren't alone in feeling this way. I often struggle with trying to find reasons to keep going as well.

I hope you feel better in the morning.

:hug: :hug:

[seebs]

{maddog}

Nothing else to say, I'm afraid. Do you live near any of us?

[freemonkey]

{{{{maddog}}}} I'm so sorry. I know, its impossible to make sense out of any of it, especially where there is such pain and suffering.

[WinAce]

As has already been noted, there's really not much to say at these times. So I'll just toss out a sympathetic "Yargh."

For what it's worth, you know your friend would appreciate your thinking of him, and would want you to overcome this horrible loss and continue enjoying life to the fullest, if only to get revenge on its anthropomorphized form--for him. And, whatever else it does, at least he has to suffer no longer....

"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no man lives for ever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.

Then star nor sun shall waken,
Nor any change of light;
Nor sound of waters shaken,
Nor any sound or sight;
Nor wintry nor vernal,
Nor days, nor things diurnal;
Only the sleep eternal
In an eternal night."
--Algernon Charles Swinburne, from The Garden of Prosperine

Good luck.

[livius drusus]

That's a beautiful passage, Allan. I'm so sorry, maddog. Big hug to you. :hugsmile:

[SharonDee]

I'm so sorry, maddog. :(

:hug:

[Goliath]

:( :deepsigh:

:hug:

[HelenM]

{{{{maddog}}}}, I'm sorry :(

Not that things will be much different today, but I hope life is a little easier to face this morning, after you've had some rest. And I hope you find Maddy, your cat.

Helen

[Ex-zombie]

My sympathies on the death of your friend. Sending a big manly hug your way!

[AspenMama]

I know it must feel like :snowwalk: right now. And life most certainly is unfair. But that darn sun keeps coming up every day and we've only to go on....

Hang in there-- we're here for you. {{{hugs}}}

[wildernesse]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such tough stuff, maddog. I hope you find your kitty.

:hug:

[godfry n. glad]

Oh, man....

I am sorry you lost a good friend. And to cancer, too.

:hug:

Yeah, I'm with you....cancer sucks...big time.

Uh...Did Charlie have any family? Like a wife or significant other? If so...one of the best things you can do is keep in contact and offer to help out. I'd bet Charlie would have appreciated it if you did. Don't be a pest, just offer. If you think it's tough...it's even worse for them.

And...I hope your kitty comes back, too. Mine has been one of my major sources of solace in the aftermath of my wife's death from cancer. Good friends and my cat, Hobbes.

Hang in there, pal.

godfry

[viscousmemories]

I'm sorry, maddog. :hug:

[One for Sorrow]

I'm so sorry.

{{{maddog}}}

[pescifish]

{{{{maddog}}}}

I've been wondering about whether your cat ever made it home. It really sucks that she hasn't. It must be hard not to have her around while dealing with the grief of losing Charlie. And I couldn't agree with you more regarding the uselessness of some of our more devastating and debilitating diseases. I wish you didn't have to go through the loss of your friend. Err, friends since I count my furry pets in that category. I'm so sorry.

[Ymir's blood]

:hug:

[maddog]

Thank you, one and all. {{{hugs back}}}
Everyone has been really really nice. I've been to the VA to talk to the deceased benefits coordinator and to a funeral director. Charlie was an only child. His mother committed suicide when he was about 12. I don't even know his father's first name. He was born in New York state, but lived most of his life here in So Cal. Never married. Lied to get into the Marines when he was underage. Took a B.A. in philosophy and knew more off-hand and could quote more different philosophers and thinkers off the top of his head than anyone I ever knew. He would piss me off (in a friendly sort of way) when we talked about "stuff" because he would tell you/quote you what some famous person said about that issue, but I didn't want to know what Kant or Wittgenstein thought, I wanted to know what he thought. He worked in marginal jobs because he couldn't stand other people impinging on his freedom. So he stayed low profile -- WAY low profile -- so he could do whatever he wanted in his off time. He would amuse himself by taking calculus classes at the JC. He drove to the beach nearly every week. He liked to walk out on the local piers. He went to Westwood and Beverly Hills and Seal Beach to watch "art" movies or foreign films that never make it to the "armpit of the Inland Empire." (Never mind that we have a 30-plex next door to a 22-plex, next door to an Imax theater out here and they never have anything except ordinary movies to show -- in 53 theaters!) We had dinner once a week for the last number of years. We took turns picking which restaurant to go to. "It's YOUR turn." "No, it's YOUR turn." "Where do you want to go?" "I dunno Maynard, where do YOU want to go?" We played games. He invented a game called "categories." You think of a category and see how many things the other person can name in that category. Like Roman Emperors. Or women painters. Or dog breeds. Or types of airplanes. Or mathematicians. Or whatever. We liked to go to Millie's for dinner sometimes because they have the jumping-pegs game in there. We were never very good.

Yesterday they let me sit with him for a couple of hours. I read him the New Yorker magazine and told him that the cartoons were NOT funny. That was a standing joke between us. He likes the New Yorker and thinks the cartoons are funny -- well, okay, amusing if not funny. "It's not a knee-slapper, Jo," he'd chide me, "it's satire." I'd stick to my guns. "It's too true to be funny. Satire or not, it's not funny." So I got the last word in -- the cartoons were NOT funny this month!

Our once-a-week dinners were his only social outlet. Except for his AA meetings, I think I was his only friend.

So, I'm arranging to have him cremated. He lamented that he didn't make it to Catalina this year. I've never been. So I'm taking him (in a little box) to Catalina. And then, on January 3, 2005, I and a couple of friends are taking him out to sea for a scattering of ashes. The boat goes from San Diego. He entered the USMC at the Marine Recruit Training Depot in San Diego in the period around Korea, though he never went to Korea. He did spend time in Japan, though. He always liked amphibious landings. So, on January 3, his 70th birthday, I'm taking him out for his last amphbious landing, off the coast where he trained for amphibious landings.

His final wishes were to do something nice for the little old lady in whose house he rents a room, something nice for one of my friends whose house burned down in the October fires last year, and to give his little car to some deserving young mother who is trying to get off welfare and needs a car to get to work. Charlie was a "service"man in the truest sense of the word. I'm getting him a memorial plaque to put up in the National Cemetery in Riverside. He was always proud of his USMC service, and he never stopped giving. As sick and dying as he has been, he arranged for someone to get me a Christmas present -- for ME! -- just days before his death. That's a true friend. I will miss him terribly.

Thanks, you all, for letting me share about my friend Charlie.

I miss my friend Maddy, too. She's a black-and-white tuxedo kitty, with a very, very pretty face. She's dashingly charming, and all cat. She's young, just four years old, and still acts like a kitten. She fancies herself a great huntress, and has brought me mice, rats and (her personal favorite!) birds. She gets frisky indoors and can run sideways around the room. She likes to scamper down the hall and skid on the rugs, carom off the wall and dash into the bathroom and thud into the tub! She has a great motor and purrs easily, though she is not a lap kitty and does NOT like to be held. When she gets frisky or angry or upset, she BITES. HARD. I have the scars to prove it. She likes to be indoors when she WANTS to be indoors, but she HATES being cooped up if she wants OUT. She cannot be an indoor-only kitty. Her life would be completely unhappy and miserable, and what is life for if it's all unhappy and miserable? She LOVES going outside, and going hunting, and sleeping on the picnic table, and hiding in the bushes, and sleeping under hedges, and creeping through the grass. She loves pouncing and running and climbing and chasing. So I have to let her out. And once you let a kitty go outdoors, you just never know what's going to happen. But you have to let her be herself and do what she wants. That's the way cats are. I know for sure that if she COULD come home to me, she WOULD. I have seen her come galloping from far away when I have called her -- a CAT coming GALLOPing when CALLED. So I know she would be with me if she could. She has either been taken in by someone -- in which case she is fine -- or she has met with some kind of demise -- in which case she is gone and there is nothing that can be done for her. So I just have to come to terms with MY loneliness without her. She was doing what she wanted when she wanted. She was free. And a cat can't wish for anything better than that.

I miss my friends. But I'm glad I have you all. Thank you.

#127

[Roland98]

:( Sorry about the loss of your friend and your cat, maddog. Charlie sounds like he was the kind of person this world needs more, not less, of. :(

[seebs]

It sounds like Charlie's death is a loss for all of us, not just you. Thanks for telling us.

[JoeP]

This week sucks. ... Xmas sucks. December sucks. Loss and heartbreak suck. ... CANCER SUCKS!!!
Got to agree with you there.
:hug: :smilehug:

I shall hope (against hope) that Maddy returns. I haven't had a cat be awol for a week, but have had one return after 3 or 4 days without any signs of injury, fight or hunger.

joe

[godfry n. glad]

It sounds like Charlie's death is a loss for all of us, not just you. Thanks for telling us.

Amen.

[Nex]

:bigtear:

:cuddle:

[Petra]

I'm so sorry, maddog.

:(

[Gawen]

I'm really bad with words at times like this...*sigh*.

Charlie and Maddy sounded like a couple of pretty kewl cats...*weak attempt at humour*

Perhaps you could go to the local animal shelter and look at some kittens? It would at least get you out of the house and who knows? Maybe you'll find Maddy or one like her?

[lady cop]

"let aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, scribbling in the sky the message he is dead, put crepe bows around the white necks of public doves, let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves." WH Auden

[maddog]

I got the paperwork for Charlie's death certificates, cremation and burial at sea going, and paid the bill for it today.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since Maddy has been gone.

I'm not sleeping quite as badly as I did the first week after Maddy was gone, but I still miss her a lot. A LOT.

I have many conflicting feelings about Charlie: on the one hand, I miss him terribly, too, and I'm very sad. It's Monday, which was our regular night out. On the other hand, he did not suffer long, as these things go, and whatever suffering he had is over now. So that's something to be grateful for. On the other other hand, I feel guilty for feeling relieved that I won't have to figure out what time in my Xmas day (when all the family is at my house) I'll be able to sneak out to see him for a little bit, so he wouldn't have been totally alone on Xmas day. On the other other other hand, when I took my 92-y.o. aunt to church yesterday, I felt both angry and depressed about the kinds of things they said during the service (it was the one where the program was almost all singing by the choir) about how "only" through God and "only" through Jesus does anything good come. As if Charlie was not a good guy and didn't do anything for anybody in his life that was worth anything.

Like most, I day by day have striven
To do both good and well,
But I without a hope of heaven,
Or any fear of hell.

--Rosa Williams, 1997


They had no idea, of course, that there was an unbeliever in their midst, but I just wonder sometimes, if they could just listen to themselves, if they truly understand what they are saying.

#129

[seebs]

Generally, no, they don't think about it in that context. Bleh. This is one of the reasons I'm not fond of most hymns. (I will make an exception for Jethro Tull's Hymn 43.)