Somebody Tell A Joke [Archive]

Petra

12-14-2004, 10:15 PM

Cashews?

Heard this on the radio the other day. I think it'll qualify me for a good, hard spanking, too. In fact, I'll present my :donkey: now, I think - I'm just that keen. :wink:

So, three guys are in a strip club checking out all the girls and wishing they were the pole. They spy one girl who they think is particularly hot, and the first guy motions to her to come over. So she sashays across the floor to the guy and does a little bum dance at eye level for him. The guy is impressed with the eye candy, and showing off to his mates he pulls out a ten dollar bill, licks it, and slaps it on her ass like a stamp, and away she sashays again.

Anyway, number two guy also thought she was pretty darned fine, and he wonders how he can up the ante and impress her more than his friend did, and in the process look more impressive to his mates, too. So he motions her to back to their table. She slinks across the floor to the lads and again presents her booty for some tangible approval. Guy 2 pulls a $50 bill from his wallet, licks it, and slaps it on her rump like a stamp.

Whoa! Guy number 3 thinks. What am I gonna do to beat that?! (Lads in strip joints are so competitive, don'cha know). Anyway, he gestures for her brief company once again, and she bumps and grinds her way across the floor to the throbbing beat of 70's porn tunes. When she gets to guy number 3, she shimmies and shakes like a girl who knows she's on her way to San Fernando Valley Starletdom. Turning and bending, she presents her tush to Guy #3. Being the smooth dude that he is, he whips out his ATM card, swipes it down her bum, picks up the $60 stuck to her sweet cheeks and heads home.

Goliath

12-14-2004, 10:15 PM

LOL...well done, Clutch! :)

Petra

12-14-2004, 10:20 PM

LOL. You funny people. :D

Goliath

12-14-2004, 10:26 PM

/me still waits patiently in line....

:innocent:

livius drusus

12-14-2004, 10:27 PM

Here you go, then, Goliath. :spank: Bad math nerd. Bad.

Petra

12-14-2004, 10:30 PM

* Goliath still waits patiently in line....

:innocent:

I'll do it! :D

here ya go, Goliath...

:paddlin: :SM: :slapface:

...I can't find all the relevant smilies... :blush:

SharonDee

12-14-2004, 10:35 PM

I need a Barbie "math is hard" smiley.
:glare:

Goliath

12-14-2004, 10:43 PM

Here you go, then, Goliath. :spank: Bad math nerd. Bad.

:yes!: :bundance:

Goliath

12-14-2004, 10:43 PM

I need a Barbie "math is hard" smiley.
:glare:

:butthead: Uhhuhhuhhuhhuh...she said "hard".

Petra

12-14-2004, 10:44 PM

How about The Onion in History (http://www.theonion.com/history/index.php?issue=4050)?

Goliath

12-14-2004, 10:45 PM

* Goliath still waits patiently in line....

:innocent:

I'll do it! :D

here ya go, Goliath...

:paddlin: :SM: :slapface:

...I can't find all the relevant smilies... :blush:

Woohoo! Seconds! :cloud9: :D

BigBlue2

12-15-2004, 12:39 AM

A recent Scottish immigrant to the USA attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

livius drusus

12-15-2004, 12:51 AM

Hallelujah! I thought I was never going to see another funny one. Thank you, BB2. :bow:

Socratoad

12-15-2004, 01:38 AM

BB is back, BB is back, and so in honour of his safe return I have a wee joke.

I love these politically incorrect jokes about national foibles:

Three guys are enjoying themselves by crossing the Atlantic of an ocean liner.

One is an englishman. One is an american. One is a frenchman.

Suddenly there is a huge crash. They are all knocked onto their asses. The ship has hit an iceberg.

MAN THE LIFEBOATS MAN THE LIFEBOATS, comes a order over the ship's P.A. system.

The englishman jumps to his feet and shouts, "WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST"

The american bellows disdainfully, "FUCK THE WOMEN"

The frenchman tweaks his moustache thoughtfully and quietly inquires, "You think we have time monsieur?"

livius drusus

12-15-2004, 01:43 AM

:giggle: :hug: :prairiedog:

lisarea

12-15-2004, 02:12 AM

Oh, YAY! Jokes. I can tell the best joke ever!

So, this traveling salesman gets stuck in a snowstorm in a strange town and can't find a hotel anywhere. He stops in the coffee shop, though, and someone tells him where there's an old woman who sometimes rents rooms, so he goes to the house and asks if he can stay the night. She says, "Oh, well, I wasn't exactly prepared for guests, but of course you can."

The next morning, he comes down for breakfast, and the woman asks him how he slept.

"Oh, wonderfully! The room was lovely! The sheets were soft, the towels were clean, and the homemade potato chips were a lovely touch. They were delicious!"

"Wha...?" she replies, "The homemade potat... OH, MY GOD! MY...MY SCAB COLLECTION!!!"

Oh, yeah. So guess what? I lied is what. That is a really dumb joke. HA HA!

livius drusus

12-15-2004, 02:28 AM

Oh. My. God. The last time I heard that joke I was in 3rd grade and Francesca told it to me in Italian. The version I remember was slightly grosser, though.

Petra

12-15-2004, 02:28 AM

I thought I was never going to see another funny one.

Awww, now that's not very encouraging. :sadcheer:

Anyway, out in the Kalihari Desert, a South African, an Australian and a Kiwi were sitting around a campfire being the intrepid travellers they are. And being men, they were bragging about their tough manliness.

The South African* begins: "I was once sailing from Capetown to Greece, when a huge wave over-turned our yacht near Gibralta. My foot had become tangled in the rigging and I couldn't get my head above water. Luckily, I caught a good lung full of air before being sucked underneath. As I wrestled with the ropes around my ankle, I felt the heavy breath of a great white shark. I nearly-bloody-shit myself. Fucking thing has it's jaws wide and was looking for lunch. So I grabbed the [steering wheel thing] and ripped it from its bolts. In a whirlpool of bubbles and churning water created by my muscularliness, I managed to hammer that shark right in his sensitive genital area. Without a word of a lie, that shark lost his appetite quicker than you can say cheetah. But not before I was able to rip his jaw out and use it to cut myself free, and swim the rest of the way to Greece."

The Australian tells his tale: "Oy wis once crosseeng thee Amazon Jungle een a loight aircrahft, whin thee bloody engeen cawt fire. Weell, fair dinkum, mate, I hed to jump. The fall broke moi ahm, but thit wis nawt the end of it. A bloody pythin, 50 feet long and 30 feet round, wis loookeeng moi roight in thee oiys. Weell, I hed to wrehstle thet fulla, brokin ahm an'awll. Gawt 'eem een thee ind, though. Oi reeped a tree frim behoind moi weeth moi gud ahm an' shoved eet down 'ees throte. Foinally maniged to git outta there by sweengin' loike bloody Tarzen teel oi fownd the coast ind wis able to sweem home."

The Kiwi said nothing. He just quietly listened to the men's tales as he stoked the fire with his penis.

Can't do South African accents. Probably just as well. :blush: :D

Petra

12-15-2004, 02:30 AM

Socratoad! :D Great joke, and great to see you! :bow:

Lisarea. Eeeewwwww.

Socratoad

12-15-2004, 02:53 AM

Thanks Luna. :wave: Yours is good too, and complete with the appropriate accents :D

Zoot

12-15-2004, 02:53 AM

What's big and grey and heavy and kills you if it falls on your head?

A carpark.

(Thank you, Sycophant, for that one.)

Petra

12-15-2004, 03:28 AM

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Goliath

12-15-2004, 03:40 AM

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

Petra

12-15-2004, 03:48 AM

:chuckle:

Ymir's blood

12-15-2004, 04:08 AM

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Jew walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Nex

12-15-2004, 04:19 AM

A Baptist, a Pagan, and an Atheist are all in the ladies' restroom in a bar. They all exit their stalls at the same time.

The Baptist scrubs her hands with hot water and soap all the way up to her elbows, dries off with copious amounts of paper towels, and says to the other two women, "As a Christian, I have learned that cleanliness is next to Godliness."

The Pagan steps up to the sink, dabs her fingertips in the water puddled there, and daintily dries her fingers on a tiny scrap of towel. She looks at the other two women and says, "As a Pagan, I respect the Earth and only use what I need, and no more."

The Atheist looks at both of them and says, "As an Atheist, I've learned not to piss on my hands." and walks out.

Adora

12-15-2004, 06:55 AM

What's big and grey and heavy and kills you if it falls on your head?
A carpark.

Thank you Zoot, that's the only one that's made me laugh in this entire thread.

wade-w

12-15-2004, 07:34 AM

Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night.

When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.

Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

"Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork.

Skep

12-15-2004, 08:32 AM

My sister just sent me this one...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

http://skeptech.net/emotipad/cache/Rolleyes.gif

Petra

12-15-2004, 01:31 PM

Thank you Zoot, that's the only one that's made me laugh in this entire thread.

Hey! You try telling some!

JoeP

12-15-2004, 02:35 PM

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

And have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

No?

Shows how good the disguise is.

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because they'd look stupid with six inches.

JoeP

12-15-2004, 02:37 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Jew walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.

JoeP

12-15-2004, 02:50 PM

Anyway, out in the Kalihari Desert, a South African, an Australian and a Kiwi were sitting around a campfire being the intrepid travellers they are. And being men, they were bragging about their tough manliness.

The South African* begins:

Can't do South African accents. Probably just as well. :blush: :D
Your South African accent sounded just right to me :P

livius drusus

12-15-2004, 02:53 PM

Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.

:mememe:

Ymir's blood

12-15-2004, 06:11 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Jew walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.
For the love of Thalia, don't do it man!

:lalala:

Clutch Munny

12-15-2004, 06:11 PM

Man goes to an upscale club to meet up with some friends. Gets to the door, the bouncer says, "Sorry, you need a tie to enter."

"You can't be serious," the guy says in disgust. "My friends are in there waiting for me!"

"Tough luck. Nothing around your neck, you don't get in."

"Fine." The guy stomps back to his car, pops the trunk, and grabs his set of booster cables.* He loops them around his neck, stomps back to the door, and says, "There, is that good enough for you?"

The bouncer sighs in resignation.
"Fine, fine, go ahead. Just don't start anything."

* Jump leads, for those in the UK.

copiae

12-15-2004, 07:17 PM

A duck walks (waddles?) into a bar, and asks the bartender:

"You got any bread?"

The bartender explains to the duck that this is a bar, and bars don't serve any bread.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, and again asks the bartender:

"You got any bread?"

The bartender again explains that this is a bar, and that bars don't serve bread.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, and asks the bartender:

"You got any bread?"

The bartender, now quite annoyed, replies "No. And if you come in and ask me that question one more time, I am going to nail your beak into the wall!"

A couple of days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again. He asks the bartender:

"You got any nails?"

"Nope", the bartender replies.

You got any bread?"

Goliath

12-15-2004, 09:41 PM

Two guys walk towards a bar....the shorter one keeps going.

livius drusus

12-15-2004, 09:42 PM

:chuckle: Y'all are doing much better on this page. :appl:

Ymir's blood

12-15-2004, 11:11 PM

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What can I get for you?"

The seal replies,
"anything except Canadian Club."

Goliath

12-16-2004, 12:24 AM

Just heard this one:

Why doesn't Santa know which websites you've visited?

Because web browsers don't pay any attention to xmas cookies.

BigBlue2

12-16-2004, 01:01 AM

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2.There are no dental records.

BigBlue2

12-16-2004, 01:12 AM

A bloke comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his missus, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looks a little angry, but brings him another beer. He finishes that as well and says, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" His missus blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The bloke sighs, "Shit, it's started...".

Goliath

12-16-2004, 01:40 AM

Did you hear about the confused guy who used to be a porn star in the 80's and who is now working the full-service pump at a gas station?

He keeps filling up the cars with gas and then spraying the back end of the car after he's done.

Dingfod

12-16-2004, 02:33 AM

Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.I'm afraid not.

Ymir's blood

12-16-2004, 05:20 AM

Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.I'm afraid not.
:faint:

Dingfod

12-16-2004, 06:14 AM

Did you hear about the magician that was walking down Main Street and turned into a drugstore?

Dingfod

12-16-2004, 06:27 AM

My dad used to tell this little amusing poem:

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
The admission is free so pay at the door.
I stand up before you and sit behind you,
to tell you a story I know nothing about.

One day, in the middle of the night,
two dead boys arose to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other.
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Dingfod

12-16-2004, 06:29 AM

Did you hear about the blind man that picked up a hammer and saw?

JoeP

12-16-2004, 10:35 PM

Santa only comes once a year, but when he does, he fills your stockings.

Dingfod

12-17-2004, 02:01 AM

Santa only comes once a year, but when he does, he fills your stockings.That just sleighs me. :sleigh:

BigBlue2

12-17-2004, 02:26 AM

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

Nex

12-17-2004, 10:08 PM

This joke is only funny in context, and probably not funny to any parents.

Sitting in a 24/7 coffee shop at maybe 3:30 am, myself and 3 male friends were having a great time until a young couple came in and sat down at the table next to us. They had a screaming (as in, my ears were ringing because of this) baby that obviously needed to be in bed hours ago.

After about 20 minutes, the couple had finished their quick meal and were enjoying some coffee as their devil-spawn continued to screech.

One of my friends said in a very loud voice: "You know that soft spot in a baby's head?"

The couple looked over at us, and as they did so, he said loudly...

"You can fuck that!"

They cleared out. :D Thank bob that baby finally got some sleep, poor thing.

Goliath

12-17-2004, 11:16 PM

LOL! Awesome joke, Nex! I've gotta remember that one. I absolutely hate hearing a screaming baby while I'm trying to enjoy a meal...in fact, if I were an entrepreneur, I'd try to open a restaraunt with a "Family" section and an "Adults only" section, with a soundproof wall between the two sections.

WhyBeNormal

12-18-2004, 05:16 AM

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
Both like a tight seal.

Desert Dweller

12-19-2004, 01:17 AM

Pres,.Bush gets off the chopper carrying two pigs.

"Nice pigs,Sir", says the guard on the ground.
"They're not pigs, son, these are genuine Texan razor-backs;
I got one for condalesa Rice and one for Donald Runmsfeld".

"Nice swap,Sir".
--------------------------

Guy goes into a pet shop and buys all the budgies, 95 in all.
Then goes to a tailor and asks him to sew 95 little pockets onto his jacket.
He puts a budgie in each pocket, climbs to the roof of a building, jumps off, and lands...splat...on the garden.
when he came to he was heard to say. "I'm not trying that budgie jumping again!"

------------------------------

Dad and Dave were having lunch out in the bush. On the next ridge there was a big dingo male, licking his balls.
"Wish I could do that" says Dave.
"Hmm" Said Dad, " You'd better pat him first."

Shelli

02-12-2008, 12:22 AM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to expain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." :shit:

Anastasia Beaverhausen

02-12-2008, 05:56 AM

Nice, Shels. Haven't heard that one in ages.

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread

Goliath

02-12-2008, 06:08 AM

A skeleton walks up to the bar to order a drink and a mop. :rimshot:

Goliath

02-12-2008, 06:10 AM

President Bush's approval rating walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hold on, buddy! You're gonna have to leave. We don't serve your kind around here."

"Why not?"

"Because you're under 21." :D

Dingfod

02-12-2008, 06:17 AM

Why does University of Oklahoma head football coach Bob Stoops eat cereal off a plate?

Because if it's in a bowl, he'll lose it.

Qingdai

02-12-2008, 06:21 AM

Three blind men walk into a bar.
You think the first one would have warned the other two

Brimshack

02-12-2008, 06:32 AM

Two penguines sitting in a bathtub. One of them says to the other, please pass the soap. The second one says; what do I look like a typewriter?

Dingfod

02-12-2008, 06:58 AM

That's so existential as to be really unreal.

Sock Puppet

02-12-2008, 01:11 PM

A fellow arrives at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him what he has done to deserve eternal bliss.

"Well, when I went on a road trip to Black Falls, I saw a biker gang at the side of the road, harassing a helpless old woman. So I stopped, marched right up to the gang's leader, and punched him right in the nose. Then I kicked him in the nuts, yanked him backward by the hair, and pulled out his nose ring. Then I told the rest of the gang, "Anybody who keeps messing with this woman is gonna get the same treatment. You got that?"

"Wow, that was very brave," Saint Peter says. "When did this happen?"

"Oh, just a couple minutes ago."

Petra

02-25-2008, 12:33 AM

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Poms, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read:

"Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless."

Farren

02-25-2008, 12:45 AM

A baby seal walks into a club

...

Dingfod

02-25-2008, 12:51 AM

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

Anything but Canadian Club.

Master Taran

02-25-2008, 12:53 AM

CHILI CONTEST

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

BracesForImpact

02-25-2008, 05:44 AM

So the word around Metropolis has spread that the Justice League is on the case, and as a result there is little to no crime happening in the city. As a result, we find Superman, flying through the air, bored as hell and looking for something to do.

As he flies through the air, he runs into The Green Lantern and they stop to talk. "Any crimes happening, anything going on?" says Superman. "Nothin'", says The Green Lantern, "In fact, I'm going off on vacation, see ya later!" The Green Lantern rockets off, leaving Superman almost bored to tears.

So Superman heads into the city trying to find even a minor crime, something, anything to help with his boredom. As he flies over a main highway, he sees Batman and Robin cruising down the street in the Batmobile. "Something must be up!" He says to himself, and flies down to investigate. "What's happening?" He says to the Dynamic Duo. "Is the Joker up to his old tricks? Need some help?" "Nah" Batman says, "We're taking the Batmobile in for maintenance during the downtime, there's nothing to do here." "Damn" says Superman. "Maybe if I head out to the Metroplois outskirts I can find something happening."

So off Superman goes, using his Super-vision to find something to do. As he flies on and on, he suddenly stops. There's Wonder Woman, butt-naked in a wheat field just laying there! "Damn" thinks Superman, "She's hot, and I've wanted a piece of that for a long, long time. But how do I do it?" "I know" he says, "I'll just fly down there at super speed, hit it, and be gone before she knows what's happening!" Already unzipping his fly, Superman accelerates to an amazing speed, heads straight for Wonder Woman, pounds the living hell out of her, and takes off - all in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman lies there in a state of shock and says 'What the HELL was that?"

"I don't know!" says the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts!"

Plant Woman

02-25-2008, 10:15 PM

Tell the joke what?

:rimshot:

Caligulette

02-26-2008, 04:37 AM

Two penguines sitting in a bathtub. One of them says to the other, please pass the soap. The second one says; what do I look like a typewriter?
GAH! I had finally gotten this out of my head after hearing it first in 1983. Thanks. And by "thanks", I mean, "GAH!"

What are you if your life revolves around your job as a greeter at Wal-Mart?

Hello-centric

Dingfod

02-26-2008, 03:06 PM

Why did the mammogram technician call the machine they operated "Bob Hope"?

Because it had clamps for the mammaries.

Dingfod

07-21-2008, 04:43 PM

A National Guard unit was involved in a training exercise during their summer training camp. Due to a supply mix-up they didn't have any blank ammunition so they were told to point their rifles and shout "Bang!" if they encountered opposition forces, field judges accompanying their unit would decide who was killed and eliminated from the exercise. That worked quite well for most of the first day of the maneuvers, they killed and captured a number of enemy forces. Later, off in the distance, they saw a solitary soldier marching toward their position, his rifle slung over his shoulder, his hands held out before him as if holding a steering wheel. Through binoculars they could see that he was saying something over and over again. When he got close enough to hear them shout, they "opened fire" on him, shouting, "Bang, bang, bang, bang!" He kept marching toward them. The field judge yelled at the soldier, "You're dead!" He kept marching, shaking his head side to side, but still saying something. This angered the field judge, who then shouted "You're dead! Drop to the ground, soldier!" He kept marching, shaking his head in disagreement, and continued mouthing words they couldn't quite make out. Finally, he got close enough for them to hear what he was saying. He kept repeating ...

"Tank, tank, tank, tank, ... "

It's a Reader's Digest Humor in Uniform joke from about 40 years ago that I just recalled a few days ago. I thought, being an army fellow, California Tanker might get a kick out of it.

JoeP

07-24-2008, 09:27 PM

A Montana rancher [this might work for Oklahoma too?] got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," asked the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there any thing I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

mindbender

07-27-2008, 12:30 AM

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

mindbender

07-27-2008, 12:35 AM

20 truths about men

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.

20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

Dingfod

07-27-2008, 01:23 AM

... children - they're fine if they're someone else's.QFT

Stormlight

08-01-2008, 03:23 PM

Knock knock!
Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!!!

Stormlight

09-12-2008, 09:23 PM

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Anastasia Beaverhausen

09-13-2008, 06:58 AM

Hee.

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre

Stormlight

09-13-2008, 07:34 AM

:rofl:

Kyuss Apollo

09-13-2008, 08:11 AM

What's brown and sticky?

a stick :rimshot:

Watser?

09-21-2008, 09:57 PM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!"

Kyuss Apollo

09-22-2008, 03:25 AM

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Panther!

Panther who?

Oh no, my panther falling down! :rimshot:

Dingfod

09-22-2008, 04:10 PM

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Panther!

Panther who?

Oh no, my panther falling down! :rimshot:--Red Skelton as Clem Kadiddlehopper.

mickthinks

09-22-2008, 04:43 PM

This guy is cruising down a country road, and he sees a strange feathered blur appear in the rear-view mirror. It overtakes and disappears.

"WTF?" He steps on the gas, and at 60 he's gaining enough to bring it back in view. It's a chicken and it's going like the clappers. He draws up closer and sees how it is that this chicken runs so fast - it has three legs! He's tailgating a 3-legged chicken at 60mph!

Suddenly the chicken veers off down a narrow track on the right. He slams on the brakes, backs up, and turns to follow. The track ends outside a farmhouse where the farmer is leaning on his gate chewing on a wheat stalk. There's no sign of the chicken.

"Morning" grunts the farmer.
"And to you, sir." The man continues, "Say, did you see a chicken just dash through here?"
"I reckon I did"
"Doing 60mph? " Our man hesitates. "With ... 3 legs?"
"Yes" the farmer laughs "That'll be one of our specials. We breed 'em here"
"Specials? How come?"
"Well..." The farmer shifts the stalk to other side of his mouth and begins his tale.
"We've always been fond of our roast chicken. I particularly like the leg. And my wife, she's partial to a leg. And my son, he also likes a leg. So we breeds 'em. With 3 legs."
"Wow!" The visitor is amazed. "And do they taste good?"
"I dunno" says the farmer, "We've never caught one ..."

JoeP

09-23-2008, 06:31 PM

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

Watser?

09-27-2008, 04:48 PM

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he’s busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter,' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

'ME.'

Pinecone

10-01-2008, 08:39 PM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher..

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

JoeP

10-01-2008, 08:42 PM

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

"How many times?"

"Three times."

"Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

So the Priest asked: "What did you do?"

"I committed adultery."

"How many times?"

"Three times."

"Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

"What did you do?", the Rabbi asked.

"I committed adultery."

"How many times?"

"Once."

And the Rabbi replied: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

JoeP

10-01-2008, 08:47 PM

"A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now
for allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab.
That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal
the herpes virus instead of going out and catching it in the
wild like everyone else."
-Jay Leno

JoeP

11-12-2008, 05:58 PM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

JoeP

11-12-2008, 06:00 PM

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

Master Taran

11-12-2008, 06:01 PM

One day, a man approached the White House and said to the Marine on duty at the gate, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'

Shelli

11-12-2008, 06:30 PM

The receptionist where I work will make a full week at work during her tenure here. :blank:

:rofl:

Dingfod

11-12-2008, 09:28 PM

The receptionist where I work will make a full week at work during her tenure here.This is one of those jokes that sneaks up on you later, isn't it?

Shelli

11-13-2008, 12:32 AM

The receptionist where I work will make a full week at work during her tenure here.This is one of those jokes that sneaks up on you later, isn't it?haha, yeah, when she fails to do so week after week after week. :hahaha:

lisarea

11-13-2008, 12:50 AM

Me: KNOCK KNOCK
You: Who's there?
Me: 9-11
You: 9-11 who?
Me: You said you'd never forget!

Brimshack

11-13-2008, 10:11 PM

What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?

A PILOT!

:glare:

mickthinks

11-13-2008, 10:25 PM

What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?

A PILOT!

:glare:

:chin: Sorry, I don't get it.

Shelli

11-14-2008, 12:41 AM

:duh:

Ensign Steve

11-14-2008, 12:45 AM

Why can't Helen Keller be President?

Because she's a woman.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive a car?

Because she's dead.

Watser?

11-14-2008, 12:47 AM

Here's a joke from the ancient Greek joke book I posted:

A student dunce runs into another dunce and exclaims: 'I heard you were dead!
'Look, you see that I'm alive!' responds the other.
'But the guy who told me you were dead is much more trustworthy than you.'

Ymir's blood

11-14-2008, 12:51 AM

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial;
a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.
Snofru!

Ensign Steve

11-14-2008, 01:28 AM

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20081113.gif

Stormlight

11-14-2008, 08:57 AM

Widget

11-14-2008, 09:21 AM

Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a
day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no
brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video,
it's fucking hilarious....

Legs

11-14-2008, 03:42 PM

Is this what you get up to when I'm sleeping? :tsktsk:

Wonderbread Leotard

11-14-2008, 05:06 PM

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Dingfod

11-14-2008, 05:35 PM

That's a Shut-up Joke™. We used to make up and tell these horrible things when I was a kid.

Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep going around in circles?
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy, Daddy threw up on the floor and Billy's eating the chunks.
Shut up, get yourself a spoon.

beyelzu

11-14-2008, 07:55 PM

What's the difference between a box full of dead babies and a ferrari?

I don't have a ferrari in my garage

Its my favorite joke, or one of them. I am thinking about telling the joke that my father used to tell, its racist as hell though. My father was one of them old school southern gentlemen racists.

Its long though.

Wonderbread Leotard

11-14-2008, 07:57 PM

Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twin babies in an acid bath.

Master Taran

11-14-2008, 08:07 PM

What's black, white, red. Black, white, red?

A nun falling down stairs.

Wonderbread Leotard

11-14-2008, 08:23 PM

Q. Why did Hitler kill himself?
A. He got his gas bill.

Ensign Steve

11-15-2008, 12:13 AM

What's black, white, red, and can't go through a revolving door.

A nun with a spear through her head.

Dingfod

11-15-2008, 01:07 AM

What's black, white, red. Black, white, red?

A nun falling down stairs.What's red and white and sits in the corner crying?

A baby chewing on razor blades.

Watser?

11-15-2008, 01:25 AM

What's red and white and getting smaller all the time?

A baby with a cheese grater.

Rose

11-15-2008, 03:30 AM

If this has been posted already I'm sorry. It's my favourite joke at the moment.

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

Ensign Steve

11-15-2008, 07:54 AM

Two nuns are walking down the street at night when they are attacked by two men. The men drag the nuns into a dark alley and start raping them. The first nun starts saying a prayer and looks up to heaven and says, "Father, forgive these sinful men for they know not what they are doing!"

The second nun says, "This one does!"

mickthinks

11-16-2008, 08:15 PM

What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?

A PILOT!

:glare:

:chin: Sorry, I don't get it.

It plays on a joke I once read on Stormfront (I think): What do you call a black guy who is a doctor, has a great family life, is very active in his neighbourhood, helps sick little kids in his spare time? Answer: Nigger.

So, it's funny because it defeats one's expectations of a racist insult? I guess you need to have those expectations ...

Thanks guys

Stormlight

11-16-2008, 08:21 PM

mickthinks

11-16-2008, 09:13 PM

So, it's funny because it defeats one's expectations of a racist insult? I guess you need to have those expectations ...
You need to lead a pretty sheltered life not to have them.

Eh? Peckham isn't sheltered, I can assure you! LOL I don't think a sheltered life is necessary for non-prejudice. On the contrary.

Uthgar the Brazen

11-17-2008, 01:31 AM

Nobody cares.

Stormlight

11-17-2008, 07:15 AM

Wonderbread Leotard

11-17-2008, 07:46 AM

No, a sheltered life is necessary to not expect a racist ending to the joke.Those who are racist against the Klingon people have absolutely no honor.

Stormlight

11-17-2008, 09:31 AM

That, and a very short life, too.

mickthinks

11-17-2008, 01:31 PM

Okay, I admit that most jokes in my experience don't have racist endings. I don't believe my experience is so very different from yours, Stormlight, but I guess I may be wrong about that.

Stormlight

11-17-2008, 01:40 PM

It depends, really. If there's "a black man" in the joke it will more often than not be racist.

Ymir's blood

11-17-2008, 05:54 PM

It depends, really. If there's "a black man" in the joke it will more often than not be racist.
Otherwise there'd be no reason for the racial descriptor. Occasionally that isn't the case in jokes featuring three people, in that the first and second might not be stereotyped. The third almost always will though.

Watser?

11-17-2008, 06:00 PM

Less seriousnessity, moar joaks! :glare:

Ymir's blood

11-17-2008, 06:03 PM

A German, a Luxembourger and a Dutchman went into a bar...

That was over three weeks ago!

Watser?

11-17-2008, 06:04 PM

:chuckle:

Stormlight

11-17-2008, 06:22 PM

:giggles:

Stormlight

11-17-2008, 06:29 PM

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

Master Taran

11-18-2008, 03:21 AM

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,

"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"
"Make sure his balls are wet."

Brimshack

11-19-2008, 04:58 AM

Yes, Mick, you're still an asshole.

mickthinks

11-21-2008, 12:06 AM

Another of your celebrated rasoned responses to goading (http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?p=526858#post526858), brimmie babe?

Watser?

11-21-2008, 12:14 AM

Can you go jerk off in another thread mick?

mickthinks

11-21-2008, 12:21 AM

:wtf: Am I not allowed a polite and rasoned response to insults here?

Crumb

11-21-2008, 12:26 AM

:nope:

Master Taran

11-21-2008, 01:26 AM

Can you go jerk off in another thread mick?And that is why I have me thinks it doesn't think on ignore.

Brimshack

11-21-2008, 01:30 AM

Just giving you a little Christmas present to play with. Here's another. Now be a good boy and clean off your keyboard.

Watser?

11-21-2008, 01:32 AM

Can you go jerk off in another thread mick?And that is why I have me thinks it doesn't think on ignore.

Well, so do I, I just assumed.

And then I checked afterward and whaddyaknow? I was right.

Now. Joaks!!

mickthinks

11-21-2008, 01:35 AM

Taran, Brim, Watser - OMG I'm being drowned in a tsunami of stupid ...

Brimshack

11-21-2008, 03:57 AM

We'll just pretend that was clever, Mick.

Qingdai

11-21-2008, 04:09 AM

WHERE'S THE FREAKING JOKES PEOPLE!

Here, for the four year old.

How can you tell if a nose is clean?
Fingerprints!

Chris Porter

11-21-2008, 02:18 PM

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him In the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet; not a peep, was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and Unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Uthgar the Brazen

11-21-2008, 02:36 PM

Somebody Tell A Joke

See current av.

Shelli

11-21-2008, 07:31 PM

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins .
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson .'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

Stormlight

11-23-2008, 06:44 AM

Pure genius! (http://www.bestviral.com/image/6t/drawing_of_a_spider) :lol:

Widget

11-23-2008, 07:49 AM

A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.

"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck. "Now, can have a beer please."

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?"

"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour for a pint." The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his tail happily.

Just as he said, the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunch time lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the talking duck.

"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says. "For a little consideration, I could hook you up with this duck and you could make lots of bucks. Everyone would love to see a talking duck I think. Don't you?" The circus man nods his agreement excitedly while sipping his beer and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.

The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been for those many days. The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."

The duck looked very puzzled. "Why the fuck would he want to hire a plasterer?"

Deadlokd

11-23-2008, 11:02 AM

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks at him and says, "What? Gerald?"

Deadlokd

11-23-2008, 11:03 AM

A ham sammich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

ceptimus

11-23-2008, 11:17 AM

Three pieces of string are trying to get served at a bar.

The barman says to the first piece of string, "You can fuck off right now! We don't serve your kind in this bar."

Then the barman spots the second piece of string. "I already told your friend there, you're not welcome here! Get out before I call the police!"

The third piece of string is in a bad way - scruffy, twisted and entwined, he looks a real mess. The barman approaches him with suspicion. "Are you another one of those fucking pieces of string?" he asks.

"No", says the string, "I'm afraid not."

JoeP

11-23-2008, 11:37 AM

cep: I think that joke predates the actual invention of string

ceptimus

11-23-2008, 11:39 AM

No one said they had to be new jokes.

JoeP

11-23-2008, 11:48 AM

You are correct. In fact, there's a theory that there are no new jokes.

And a story I read once that jokes aren't natural human behaviour: they are inserted by the aliens studying us.

Ymir's blood

11-23-2008, 02:21 PM

And a story I read once that jokes aren't natural human behaviour: they are inserted by the aliens studying us.
Which is why most people are hilarious when they're talking out of their asses.

:rimshot:

Chris Porter

11-23-2008, 09:04 PM

A husband was teasing his wife: "You ought to try washing your undies in Slimfast, at least that way your butt would get slimmer." The wife thought that was a very lame joke, and resolved to get back at her husband.

The next day, the husband pulls his underwear out of the drawer, shakes them open, and dust flies everywhere. "What's up with all the talcum powder in my briefs?" he queries.

"That's not talcum powder, that's Miracle Grow." she replies.

Sock Puppet

11-24-2008, 06:07 PM

Okay, since they can be old jokes -- apologies if this has already been posted, I'm too lazy to check.

A man comes home from work, tired and grumpy. His wife tells him, "The toilet is backed up again."

"You see a sign on me anywhere that says 'Roto-Rooter'?" he snaps at her.

The next night, the wife tells the husband, "The washing machine stopped working today."

"You see a sign on me that says 'Maytag Repairman'?" he responds, and turns the TV volume up.

The next night she tells him, "The transmission went out today."

"You see a sign on me that says 'Aamco Mechanic'?"

The next night, the man comes home, plops on the couch, and starts watching TV per usual. He starts wondering, however, when his wife doesn't speak to him for an hour. So he asks her, "What did you do today?"

"Oh, not much. But I got the car fixed, the toilet unblocked, and the gutters cleaned."

"We can't afford that! How much did it cost?"

"Oh, don't worry. I got Frank the Handyman to do it, and he said all I had to do was either have sex with him, or bake him a nice cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake?"

"You see a sign on me that says 'Betty Crocker' anywhere?"

Anastasia Beaverhausen

11-25-2008, 07:09 AM

:chuckle:

beyelzu

11-25-2008, 08:14 AM

There were three guys on a desert island, a nigger, a spic and a retard.

They come across a lamp and the tard rubs on it and is shocked when genie appears. He screams,"Help me rufus."

The black guy goes over and tells the genie he better be gettin some wishes or he's gonna be shanking some genie ass. The genie graciously agrees to grant 3 wishes.

The nigger wishes to be back home with all the crack he can smoke.

Bam, let it be done says the djinn.

The mexican wishes to be back home with all the tequila he can drink.

Get thee back to southern california, proclaims the djinn.

Finally, the djinn turns to the last guy. "What do you want?"

"I miss my friends," cries Corky, "I want them back"

That night the nigger and the mexican dined on roasted retard.

beyelzu

11-25-2008, 04:08 PM

Awesome, I killed the joke thread, now to take my joke to the threadkillin thread.

Chris Porter

11-25-2008, 04:13 PM

Bey, I think people are noticing that you used nigger consistently, but not spic. They may be going :susp:

I do get the point of the joke, btw.

I rarely have any jokes at all.

beyelzu

11-25-2008, 04:19 PM

:lol: perhaps, i meant to use them all throughout and fucked up.

Dingfod

11-25-2008, 04:33 PM

Twit!

beyelzu

11-25-2008, 04:40 PM

eh?

Dingfod

11-25-2008, 04:43 PM

Yeah, you. I'm a black Hispanic retard that takes offense at your joke.

Smilin

11-25-2008, 05:44 PM

Yeah, you. I'm a black Hispanic retard that takes offense at your joke.

I thought your anger stemmed from having a three inch cock?:yup:

BrotherMan

11-25-2008, 05:52 PM

The idea, I say, the very idea of such a thing is ridiculous.
:foghorn:

Dingfod

11-25-2008, 05:53 PM

Yeah, you. I'm a black Hispanic retard that takes offense at your joke.

I thought your anger stemmed from having a three inch cock?:yup:I wish.

JoeP

11-26-2008, 03:08 PM

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Petra

11-26-2008, 03:09 PM

:spew:

ceptimus

11-26-2008, 05:59 PM

There was a rather shy engineer who decided to finally splurge on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow, the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of the beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship too?"
"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get the rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from the gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnels from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual rock strata on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach."
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded. She rowed them around to her side of the island tied up the boat and they walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like a drink?"
"No thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well, if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered-- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom-- and went back downstairs.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go upstairs and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned, wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really really miss? Something that would be really nice to have right now?!"

"Why yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just, well... impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible any more," the woman said.
The man, panting in excitement, said breathlessly, "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?!"

Anastasia Beaverhausen

11-26-2008, 08:40 PM

One day all the scientists decide to play hide-n-seek. Einstein is the one who has to seek. He has to count till 100 while everyone else hides. Everyone starts hiding except Newton. Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein counts till 100 and says, ready or not here I come. He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says " Newton's tagged."

Newton denies and claims that he is not Newton. He's Pascal.

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton. Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared. That makes me Newton per meter squared. since a Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is tagged !!!!!!!!!"

Dingfod

11-26-2008, 08:45 PM

*groan*

Deadlokd

11-26-2008, 10:49 PM

An engineering student is walking through the university campus when his friend, also an engineering student, rides up on a brand new bike and says, "What do you think?"

The first student exclaims how nice the bike is and then asks where he got it.

The second student explains.

"I was walking to class earlier when this gorgeous girl rode up to me on this bike, threw off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted."

"Good call," says his friend, "her clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."

laughing dog

11-27-2008, 06:23 PM

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.

mickthinks

11-30-2008, 01:49 PM

If there's "a black man" in the joke it will more often than not be racist.
Okay, if there's "a black man" in a joke being told by someone I know to be racist, I'd expect it to be racist. But I wouldn't expect to hear such a joke from any of the regular members here.

lisarea

11-30-2008, 06:35 PM

The Little Muffin just told me this joke, which he claims is the most hilarious joke ever.

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAIIINS!

roastelk

11-30-2008, 07:27 PM

-How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
-Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" , The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

-Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
-Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

lisarea

11-30-2008, 07:35 PM

Just to clarify, I only hit that "Thanks" button because there isn't one that says "Groan."

Ensign Steve

12-01-2008, 02:22 AM

The Clapper | Mark Fiore's Animated Cartoon Site (http://www.markfiore.com/clapper_0)

Chris Porter

12-01-2008, 02:43 AM

Headaches -- Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Chris Porter

12-01-2008, 02:45 AM

An old lady came into her Doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do"? "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week".
The next week an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blake's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they are still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself"? "Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now we know we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing"!

roastelk

12-06-2008, 03:58 AM

what do you get when you try cross a seal with polar bear

a polar bear

Master Taran

01-07-2009, 05:56 PM

Two business men in NY City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't Ready -- only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from down South walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here.

Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

NEW YORKERS (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS!!

beyelzu

01-07-2009, 06:10 PM

there once was a guy named grady who know all of the highborn ladies

Crumb

01-07-2009, 06:21 PM

he got good and drunk

Stormlight

01-07-2009, 07:31 PM

:giggles:

Pinecone

01-07-2009, 11:37 PM

and dressed up like a monk

Crumb

01-07-2009, 11:44 PM

and now has a warm spot in Hades.

JoeP

01-08-2009, 12:43 PM

http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=4990&stc=1&d=1231418540

Living In My Integrity: Horses // Hores (http://livinginmyintegrity.blogspot.com/2008/12/horses-hores.html)

JoeP

01-15-2009, 09:56 PM

I have the feeling that this board likes jokes to do with bottoms. So here's Dave Barry's report on his colonoscopy:

The Joys of a Colonoscopy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the Mov iPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system a liter is about 32 gallons.). Then you have to drink the whole jug.

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.

You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

I was very nervous.

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough....

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.

I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Doctor X

01-15-2009, 10:04 PM

Video-or-it-didn't-happen

--J.D.

Dingfod

01-16-2009, 12:45 AM

OMG, Joe, that mirrors my own experience with one exception. I woke up during the procedure, saw my own colon on the monitor. I think I said "Cool!" The doctor said "You're not supposed to be awake." The anesthesiologist put a needle in my IV, then I was out again.

Doctor X

01-16-2009, 01:43 AM

"If the patient can stay awake, why not you?"

--Common taunt from surgeon to anesthesiologists

--J.D.

Doctor X

01-16-2009, 02:11 AM

From female Glorious Red Sox fan, Tex:

This is a resume from Bubba

My Resimay

To hoom it Mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

Hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

http://thumbsnap.com/images/2leZ2aqp.jpg

Employer's response who was a female

Dear Bubba,

Its ok we got spell check. See you on Monday.

--J.D.

Smilin

01-21-2009, 07:47 PM

When you have had one of those days at work, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."

Watser?

01-21-2009, 08:26 PM

Here's some limericks (or close facsimile):

There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He

Said with a laugh "I
Cut them in half, the pay is
Much better for two."

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].

There once was a man named Bertold
Who drank beer when the weather grew cold
As he reached for his cup...
"NEEEEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!"
Oh, snap! You just got limerickrolled!

Watser?

01-21-2009, 08:26 PM

Anastasia Beaverhausen

01-21-2009, 09:31 PM

There once was a man named Bertold
Who drank beer when the weather grew cold
As he reached for his cup...
"NEEEEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!"
Oh, snap! You just got limerickrolled!

:laugh:

:glare:

JoeP

01-28-2009, 01:10 PM

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

Watser?

01-29-2009, 12:10 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Demimonde

01-30-2009, 07:44 PM

The Audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks, 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Watser?

02-09-2009, 01:27 PM

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English. "Why have you not seated yourself in this excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren.

"Oh, my gosh, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

Pinecone

03-04-2009, 03:11 AM

A lady brought her parrot to the vet because she thought it was asleep and wouldn't wake up. The vet examined it and told her it was dead.

She said, "It couldn't be dead, are you sure?" He said he was sure but she just wouldn't believe him. He said he could run more tests if she wanted and she said she did.

So he brought in a Labrador and he put his paws up on the table and sniffed the parrot and shook his head and walked away; then he brought in a cat and put it up on the table and the cat sniffed it all over and shook his head and jumped down.

"The parrot is indeed dead." the vet informed her. "That will be $150."

"What!? $150 just to tell me my parrot is dead!!?" the lady said agast.

"I told you it was dead," said the vet, "and you didn't believe me so I got a lab report and a cat scan; if you had taken my word for it the cost would only have been $20."

Plant Woman

03-04-2009, 07:38 AM

:giggle:

Two fish run into a concrete wall.

One fish says, "Dam!"

Anastasia Beaverhausen

03-04-2009, 07:39 AM

P-Dub! :hug:

Wonderbread Leotard

03-04-2009, 07:40 AM

A cruise ship is going down. A rabbi and priest are among the passengers.

The captain shouts: "Women and children first! Women and children first!"

The rabbi grumbles, "fuck the children!"

The priest replies, "Do we have time?"

Deadlokd

03-04-2009, 07:44 AM

Wonderbread Leotard

03-04-2009, 08:02 AM

A cruise ship is going down. A rabbi and a Sovereignist are among the passengers.

The captain shouts: "Women and children first! Women and children first!"

The rabbi grumbles, "fuck the children!"

The Sovereignist replies, "Do we have time?"

:fixed:LoL. I figured something like that was coming, but you had said you'd put me on permanent ignore. See, I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it!

And joking aside, if finding girls with substantial development sexy makes one a pedophile, then pedophilia is normal. Are you really so lame as to think that the boundaries of normal lust are drawn by what is legal in a given time and place (which varies dramatically)? Please, man. Even you're not that dense. You just don't think clearly when it comes to this subject.

Plant Woman

03-04-2009, 08:22 AM

P-Dub! :hug:

It's a CC! :glomp:

Deadlokd

03-04-2009, 10:09 AM

I took you off ignore weeks ago Brandon. I missed the lulz and cognitive dissonance all rolled into one.

Watser?

03-04-2009, 11:11 AM

if finding girls with substantial development sexy makes one a pedophile, then pedophilia is normal.

No, you pathetic freak, it is ACTING on those feelings or thinking there is nothing wrong with acting on them that makes you a pedophile. Now, go cry to Jenni and leave us the fuck alone.

Plant Woman

03-10-2009, 09:26 PM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Malloch

03-10-2009, 09:29 PM

A neutron walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says" How much for a beer?" The bartender looks back at the Neutron and says " For you, no charge."

Crumb

03-10-2009, 09:37 PM

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
:mutter:

Crumb

03-10-2009, 09:37 PM

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:

"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"

The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"

The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

Master Taran

03-11-2009, 02:39 AM

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible,
A silver dollar,
A bottle of whisky and
A Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table with curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!"

seebs

03-11-2009, 03:18 AM

Sov, we already pointed out, months ago, that "normal" and "healthy" are not the same thing. Lots of impulses which are normal turn out not to be good ideas.

Interestingly, you keep ignoring that. But hey, that's okay, right? Because being too fucking stupid to read is probably "normal".

Sock Puppet

03-11-2009, 02:14 PM

Few people realize it, but the common "cat flea," Ctenocephalides felis, is actually migratory. I.e., it prefers to take its vacations in Florida.

Freddy, one such flea, was sunning himself on the beach near Miami one day, when he spotted an old friend. His friend was in horrible shape: dissheveled, bruised, and shivering uncontrollably.

"Herbie! What on Earth happened to you?"

"Well," Herbie answered, "I tried to hitch a ride on a human, remembering that you once recommended that as the easiest and fastest way to migrate. So I listened around for someone headed south, and when I found this guy saying he was taking a trip to Miami, I hopped onto his head and hid in his hair. God, what a horrible mistake. He turned out to be a motorcycle rider, and one of those hardcore types who rides without a helmet, at 100+ mph, and rarely stops for anything besides gas. So I was battered by flying dust and gravel, had a few near-collisions with other bugs, and what's worst, nearly froze to death from the constant wind. I'm lucky to be alive!"

"Oh, Herbie, Herbie! NEVER do it that way! You've got to find a safer spot, and preferably on a host that's about to fly down here. Next time, go to the airport, find a stewardess, and hitch a ride in her pubes. It's warm, safe, and you'll be here in no time."

The next year, Freddy was lounging on the same beach, sipping his pina colada, when he spotted Herbie again. If anything, this time the guy was in even worse shape, shivering worse, horribly pale, and barely able to crawl, let alone hop.

"What happened this time, Herbie?"

"Well, I took your advice and found a nice stewardess headed for Florida. I crawled into her pubes, and it was so nice and warm that I fell asleep."

"Sounds great, so what went wrong?"

"Well, the next thing I know, I wake up and I'm on this guy's mustache ..."

... it would have given too much away to title this story Herbie Rides Again.

Anastasia Beaverhausen

03-25-2009, 06:43 PM

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors for Bush

Saturday February 14, 2009
This joke email is currently making the rounds. While Ben & Jerry's has no actual plans for a Bush ice cream flavor, the possibilities are hilarious.

Ben & Jerry created "Yes Pecan (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/09/yes-pecan-ben-jerrys-anno_n_156674.html)!" ice cream flavor for Obama. They then asked people to fill in the blank for the following:

For George W., Ben & Jerry created "_________".

Here are some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Impeach Mint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate
- WMDelicious
- Guantanmallow
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- Housing Crunch
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- "You're Shitting In My Mouth And Calling It A" Sundae
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherf**ker... Swirl
- Country Pumpkin
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands...with nuts

JoeP

04-04-2009, 08:54 PM

For TLR.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .....

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully !!!!

"FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

"I SAID ...."BRING POSSE""

Master Taran

04-08-2009, 09:16 PM

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere. :rimshot:

MrFungus420

04-09-2009, 09:01 AM

A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
"What is this..a joke?"

Two apples are in an oven.
The first one turns to the second one and says, "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?'
The second apple says, "Holy shit! A talking apple!!!!"

MrFungus420

04-09-2009, 09:02 AM

How about one of the funniest jokes:

Ray Comfort!

Petra

04-09-2009, 11:55 AM

So Christ gets nailed up on the cross. He looks down threateningly at the crowd beneath him: "Don't you dare touch my freakin' Easter eggs", he shouts. "I'll be back on Monday". :glare:

Dingfod

04-09-2009, 11:28 PM

You're going straight to hell, you know.

Sock Puppet

04-14-2009, 08:24 PM

Three nuns die in a fire at the convent, and arrive at the Pearly Gates. (No, it's not the holy water joke.)

St. Peter tells them that because they died without the benefit of Last Rites or a recent-enough confession, they might need to spend some time in Purgatory. All three nuns protest, saying that they have devoted their lives to God, and that should count for something.

"Fine, then," Pete says. "I'll let you in. I need to administer some sort of test, though, so each of you will have to answer a basic Bible question. Don't worry, I'll make them easy."

He asks the first nun, "How many days did God take to create everything?"

"Six," she replies.

AND THE HEAVENLY BAND PLAYS A FANFARE AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.

He turns to the second nun. "Who were the first two people on Earth?"

"Adam and Eve," she answers.

AND THE HEAVENLY BAND PLAYS A FANFARE AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.

He turns to the third nun. "What did Eve first say to Adam?"

The nun thinks for a moment.

"Gee, that's a hard one."

AND THE HEAVENLY BAND PLAYS A FANFARE AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.