Musings on life, or lack of thereof... (angst)

[Corona688]

I have spent the last 5 years working my butt off in a small room, so I could have the privilege of someone hiring me to work even harder in an even smaller room to fuel someone else's pursuit of wealth. In theory, anyway. As it turns out, these potential employers aren't really jumping at the bit to hire yet another useless university undergrad with no job experience, even before the tech crash which ruined all the potential I had to find a good job instead of just a tolerable one.

There might be a way out, though; a few friends and I are getting together to try and found a business in the computer/tech support industry; staples charges $80 an HOUR to fix people's computers and gives the people that do the fixing nearly none of it. We figure we can charge half what they did and make more money doing it. It's a long shot, though. I've seen arrangements among friends come to nothing before.

So I've been thinking more and more about just what I want to do and why, and the truth is, I don't have a fucking clue, other than I seem to enjoy fiddling with computers and the like. Most of my life I've been told I need a microscopic goal with low expectations(and people telling me what awesome potential I have in the same breath, no less. Fuckers), and I've hated that so much I've been putting it off as long as physically possible. I thought maybye I'd take philosophy this semester to help pull something consistent out of my thinking, until someone else pointed out it's every bit as much a memorize-this-shit-and-spew-it-later class as everything else, just with bigger words.

As for relationships, well, I've seen so few opportunities I really don't know how to begin to pursue one. The women I'm interested in alway turn out to be non-single. I'm getting old enough that they're not just unsingle, they're getting married left and right. In fact I'm practically as old as my parents were when they got married, and it wasn't exactly a rash decision on their part -- they had a stable relationship, careers, all that. By comparison I've accomplished precisely dick, jack, and squat, am I wrong to use them as a base of comparison?

People tell me crap like "you're so nice, I'm sure you'll find someone", oh yeah? Being nice hasn't worked one iota these first 23 years, FUCKER. But if it's not something I can obtain being who I am, maybye I don't want it, since I can't be anyone else. I've essentially stopped looking by now. Homosexuality's beginning to look like a good option even though I'm not.

So, I'm stuck. What do I want to do, and why? Beyond wanting to be able to eat, I really don't have any goals. Dreams I've got, but like the ones I rarely remember after waking up, they're all boring; whenever I've tried sharing them, I put everyone to sleep.

I don't think these last 4 years of university have been very good for me. I've so completely given up on ever finding anyone that shares my dreams RL that I've become someone who finds it difficult to talk about anything but work, because, well, what else is there? If there's anything else to life, I haven't found it yet.

So I'm at the same crossroads I've been stopped at for the last 5 years; where from now? Short-term, I've got one more exam to write, and christmas presents to find for people I care about, but that's about it. Long-term, I can keep slogging away at classes until I achieve graduation by losing the last of my humanity, or throw myself 100% into this risky venture my friends have concocted. I'm thinking of doing the latter. I'd rather die having tried than die having not, all things being equal. But is it too late? Am I crazy for thinking this could work? Or am I too premature, should I sort out just what I really want to do first?

[Shaguar]

Corona 888, go for the venture. what is to lose.
On the romance front never give up, I am an old un and it's happened to me.
As you say better to have tried, I know it's a cliche but it is true none the less, this is our one shot at life, no rehearsals this is it.

[lady cop]

Corona 888, go for the venture. what is to lose.
On the romance front never give up, I am an old un and it's happened to me.
As you say better to have tried, I know it's a cliche but it is true none the less, this is our one shot at life, no rehearsals this is it.
you are NOT "old" :snogging:

[viscousmemories]

I can really identify with you a lot in this, Corona, despite the fact that we seem to have followed quite different paths. I was working and living on my own when my peers were in high school, and I was in the Army when they were in college. At your age I was working in a deli and partying hard and often, mostly with similarly aimless (though of course not quite as much as me) college students. I was "dating" (read: sleeping with) a couple different women at that time, but neither were interested in a serious relationship with me. This was at least partly because I had no ambition beyond finding my next meal and/or six pack and pseudo-philosophical babbling around the bong.

I believe my biggest problem was that I was emotionally crippled as a result of my dysfunctional upbringing and years of drug/alcohol abuse. I was chronically depressed and self-centered. It took me going to jail and then a long-term, in-patient drug treatment center before I was capable of enough emotional honesty to enter a more serious long-term (5 years) romantic relationship and the subsequent emotional development afforded by that experience.

I also got into computers around that time ('94) and rode the wave of ridiculously inflated compensation for every contract I accepted for about 8 years. The problem is that even then I was aimless and uninspired. I got my Novell certification, sure, but that was in 1996. For the 5 or 6 years after that I just skated along. I didn't actively pursue certifications or experience in any other area, because I hadn't predicted Novell's network market share dropping from 85% to 5% as the Microsoft marketing behemoth infected company after company with Windows NT.

So here I am, as unemployable, broke and aimless as I was 13 years ago. The biggest thing I have going for me now is that I quit drinking. As a result my head is much clearer and I find it a lot easier to learn things and I find a lot more things I'm interested in learning about. I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up, where I'll live, whether I'll find someone of the opposite sex to live with, etc. But I know from experience that the more intensely I focus on myself, the more attractive I appear to be to women.

Sorry if this sounds at all self-centered or preachy, it isn't intended to be that way. It's just that all I can share is my own experience. If I come across sounding like I have any idea how you should live or what you should do with your life it's accidental. I'm quite sure you have to figure that out for yourself, I'm just telling you what has 'worked' for me - assuming living to be 36 and - for the most part - being content with living constitutes 'working'.

[Corona688]

I can really identify with you a lot in this, Corona, despite the fact that we seem to have followed quite different paths. I was working and living on my own when my peers were in high school, and I was in the Army when they were in college. At your age I was working in a deli and partying hard and often, mostly with similarly aimless (though of course not quite as much as me) college students. I was "dating" (read: sleeping with) a couple different women at that time, but neither were interested in a serious relationship with me. This was at least partly because I had no ambition beyond finding my next meal and/or six pack and pseudo-philosophical babbling around the bong. Heh. That is soooo not like me. :) I've never drank, done drugs, or partied in my life. Sometimes wish I had, since I suppose it can be a healthy thing to expand one's perspective when not taken to dysfunctional extremes...I believe my biggest problem was that I was emotionally crippled as a result of my dysfunctional upbringing and years of drug/alcohol abuse. I was chronically depressed and self-centered. It took me going to jail and then a long-term, in-patient drug treatment center before I was capable of enough emotional honesty to enter a more serious long-term (5 years) romantic relationship and the subsequent emotional development afforded by that experience. This does sound more similar. My upbringing was not dysfunctional, but I have been depressed before, and I know that I can be quite self-centered if I'm not careful. I am careful about it, but that has not changed who I am yet -- it has simply made me far more cautious in what I do.I also got into computers around that time ('94) and rode the wave of ridiculously inflated compensation for every contract I accepted for about 8 years. The problem is that even then I was aimless and uninspired. I got my Novell certification, sure, but that was in 1996. For the 5 or 6 years after that I just skated along. I didn't actively pursue certifications or experience in any other area, because I hadn't predicted Novell's network market share dropping from 85% to 5% as the Microsoft marketing behemoth infected company after company with Windows NT. Similarly here, except I've never actually been employed yet besides some shitty summer jobs. I've got my A+ core hardware exam and big plans for getting more, but never feel quite 'inspired', or ready; Fuck that. I've been wanting to get that linux one for a year now, if I'm not ready now I never will be. Let's see when I can grab that one...So here I am, as unemployable, broke and aimless as I was 13 years ago. The biggest thing I have going for me now is that I quit drinking. As a result my head is much clearer and I find it a lot easier to learn things and I find a lot more things I'm interested in learning about. I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up, where I'll live, whether I'll find someone of the opposite sex to live with, etc. But I know from experience that the more intensely I focus on myself, the more attractive I appear to be to women. I hope I don't need to hit bottom the way you did to clear my head. Maybye this new venture will help... even if it doesn't work out, I won't be destroyed, and it's something new. I haven't tried something new in a very long time.Sorry if this sounds at all self-centered or preachy, it isn't intended to be that way. It's just that all I can share is my own experience. Bullshit, I asked. :P You're not telling me how to live, but the perspective really helps, and for your response I thank you most sincerely. It's awesome to be able to talk to someone besides myself about it.

You might also be interested in the fact that the U of R here still uses novell for all it's windows computer accounts.

[viscousmemories]

Bullshit, I asked. :P You're not telling me how to live, but the perspective really helps, and for your response I thank you most sincerely. It's awesome to be able to talk to someone besides myself about it.
Cool, thanks. :yup:

For what it's worth I would definitely try the business idea. You might find that it sucks because you actually end up having to work a lot harder when you work for yourself, but I'm sure it'll be an exciting and educational experience. If it bombs it bombs. The first consulting business venture I tried to start up was a bomb, but we ended up landing good regular jobs with a consulting company (my first salaried job) through a referral from one of our clients. So everything worked out in the end...

[Corona688]

For what it's worth I would definitely try the business idea. You might find that it sucks because you actually end up having to work a lot harder when you work for yourself, but I'm sure it'll be an exciting and educational experience. Maybye. Or maybye I'll enjoy the fact that it's real work, not arbitrary busywork from profs who've been given a mandate to fail 30% more students.If it bombs it bombs. The first consulting business venture I tried to start up was a bomb, but we ended up landing good regular jobs with a consulting company (my first salaried job) through a referral from one of our clients. So everything worked out in the end... Cool.

[freemonkey]

Here's another vote for going for the business venture. It sounds like the kind of thing you can put in whatever time/money/mental resources you can afford. From where I'm standing, 23 years old is young. You have plenty of time and opportunity to screw it up, then get it right, before you get "too old to be like that". :wink:

[Mustaphile]

So I'm at the same crossroads I've been stopped at for the last 5 years; where from now? Short-term, I've got one more exam to write, and christmas presents to find for people I care about, but that's about it. Long-term, I can keep slogging away at classes until I achieve graduation by losing the last of my humanity, or throw myself 100% into this risky venture my friends have concocted. I'm thinking of doing the latter. I'd rather die having tried than die having not, all things being equal. But is it too late? Am I crazy for thinking this could work? Or am I too premature, should I sort out just what I really want to do first?

I'm going to throw out some wild and reckless advice. You can take it as you will. ;)

Take the risk. The worst that can happen is you make a mistake. You can always pick up your studies again afterwards. People go back and study in their forties and still have time to make a good go of it. Everyone might think your stupid, but most people don't like taking risks. They'd rather you didn't succeed. It makes them uncomfortable about their own lives. Taking risks and making mistakes is a problem if you can't get back up, after falling on your butt. If that is you, then maybe you should'nt take risks. If your an optimistic person with a positive outlook, mistakes are just speed bumps in your life.

When you make the mistake, as we inevitably all do, laugh at life and enjoy the ride. Having made the mistake you will be much wiser in regard to the next risk that comes along, and the next mistake you make. Plan, execute, fail, then start from step one. That's the baseline plan. Success is just a bonus. The real trick is to just have a plan and execute it. It keeps you moving forward. The fun part is the journey most often, not the destination.

As for the girl part, focus on yourself and your own goals. If one turns up that happens to be going in the same direction as you, ask her if she wants to keep you company. A companion is a good thing if your both on the same journey. If they aren't going your way, they are a distraction and frustration. It's like having a lead weight tied around your neck, and every step forward takes too much exertion. The single life is freedom, and freedom is like a fresh sea breeze on your face, although admitedly a little lonely at times. The loneliness only gets unbearable if you get covetous of what other people have. Your life is different from everyone elses though. You don't have to have the same things as others at the same time. In 10 years time, you'll be getting married and all the married people you see today will be getting divorced and thinking your a lucky man. You can't appreciate how free you are until you escape from the bondage of some dead end relationship and feel that fresh breeze going through your hair again. Life! Woohoo! It's good to be free. Run free, Corona688, and only let the woman who can catch hold of you and keep up, be the one worth holding onto. Let them chase you, then you know that they really want what you've got.

This is what you will have with this plan. You'll have your own direction. confidence in your own personal achievements and your ability to make them happen, wisdom from having made mistakes and learnt from them. All that will all add up to confidence, attitude and experience. Admirable qualities in any man, and attractive in the eyes of a woman.

It's a plan. It's a rough plan admitedly, but it's a plan.

[maddog]

Because this was bumped with a new response, and it has percolated to the top again, I'll add my 2 cents. At least as far as the business venture, I'd say go for it. I come at these computer things strictly as a consumer, and as a consumer I'm here to tell you that home computer people need an IT department they can call up/call in and say, "Can you fix this problem for me?" If my work computer has a problem, the computer people just fix it. If my home computer has a problem, I'm up the creek without a paddle. It's such a pain in the neck to have to pull out the desk, wrestle with the CPU, which is hooked up from the BACK which you can't see and can't reach, haul the darn thing someplace without knowing exactly what's wrong and what other parts the repairperson is going to say you should have brought with you, etc. etc. And then who do you take it to, anyway? And then you have to put it all back together yourself, with all the hookups in the BACK, which you can't see and can't reach, and you probably hooked something up into the wrong slot, and then when you turn it back on it never looks the same, and so on. And every time I want to install some new software, something goes wrong. And every time I want to UNinstall some software, the de-installation software just asks, "hey, here's a list of files. which ones do you want to delete?" As if I knew!! That's what I bought YOU for, buddy, cuz I DON'T KNOW!!

Ahem, er, anyway. Just to let you know that there are armies of people out there who are NOT computer savvy, they just want it to run, and who would be exceedingly grateful for someone to call who could come and straighten problems out. At less than $80 an hour. If that's what you're thinking about.#211