Um...I need some advice on how to handle an attraction I have to this guy...

[FormerFundie2004]

So, there's this guy at work that I am finding myself attracted to. I've been working with him for about 3 weeks; I only began to take notice during the last week. But every day that I work around him, I find myself more attracted to him in different ways.

His appearance is neat and clean.
He's good looking (IMO).
He's Christian (a must on my list).
He's got the cutest smile and beautiful eyes (IMO).
His gentle manner.
He loves discussing philosophy, religion, science, politics and controversial issues (a must on my list).
I sense a chemistry going on.

But before I continue, I have to give some background. I grew up in a very sheltered home in which dating was forbidden till the age of 18. So I had zero experience in dealing with guys, crushes, attractions, flirtings, and the like. I was homeschooled too, so there ya go. And when I turned 18, there was no one who caught my attention.

Now I'm 20. And now I am attracted to this guy. There is this chemistry going on; we talk a LOT! I love hanging with him, and we talk about lots of stuff (even while working--it doesn't get in the way of our work). I sense a little bit of trust that has been built. I would really like to have a friendship with this guy, if not more. But I would definitely settle with a friendship if that was all that was possible.

Tomorrow is the last day of work there, however, as it was a temp holiday job. If that will be the end of a friendship we barely began, I will feel a sense of loss. This situation alone is new.

1) How do I continue and build a friendship in this situation (w/o making him take it the wrong way--like I'm asking him out)? The only thing we have in common right now is where we work.

2) How can you tell if a guy is "interested?"

So, Friendship 101 please, folks. Kinda new with this whole thing, esp with guys. Thanks. :)

[HelenM]

Why don't you say "I'd like to stay in touch" and see what he says. If that's what he wants too I expect that will lead to you exchanging phone numbers and maybe arranging to have lunch together or do something else together in the near future. I don't see how you can go wrong by letting him know you'd like to continue some kind of relationship with him and seeing how he responds. Or maybe he'll say something to you about it first. It would be unfortunate if you both like each other yet neither of you dared say anything today and so you didn't make plans to see each other again.

Helen

[FormerFundie2004]

Why don't you say "I'd like to stay in touch" and see what he says. If that's what he wants too I expect that will lead to you exchanging phone numbers and maybe arranging to have lunch together or do something else together in the near future. I don't see how you can go wrong by letting him know you'd like to continue some kind of relationship with him and seeing how he responds. Or maybe he'll say something to you about it first. It would be unfortunate if you both like each other yet neither of you dared say anything today and so you didn't make plans to see each other again.

Helen

That would be a bold move for someone like me. But I'll think about it. Gotta get ready for work now. Thanks for the reply. :)

[Blake]

I really hope you take the plunge and follow Helen's advice, FormerFundie2004! It's spot on. :) Cheers and good luck.

[LadyShea]

What have you got to lose? If he responds positively great, if not, you don't have to see him again.

[seebs]

I agree. Tell him you'd like to stay in touch. If he thinks you're asking him out, well, you can correct him if and when he says anything concrete.

BTW, if you want advice for how NOT to handle romantic chemistry, there's a manga series called Maison Ikkoku you must read. :)

[livius drusus]

Staying in touch could be as simple as trading emails or IMs, FormerFundie2004. I don't think he'll take something like that as a big come on. Good luck! :crossed:

[viscousmemories]

What have you got to lose? If he responds positively great, if not, you don't have to see him again.
Every last shred of dignity and iota of self-worth? :D

I have no idea how well FormerFundie2004 handles rejection, but I've never summoned the courage to ask out a woman I was attracted to until we had known each other quite a while or I was really drunk. It's just another irrational but very real fear.

Either go out on a limb and approach him or resign yourself to losing whatever opportunity might be there. Not just this time, but possibly next time too. The fear and uncertainty isn't going to go away by magic, and it just gets worse with time. The only way to overcome it is through practice.

Oh and good luck. :)

[Dingfod]

If I were you I'd just lead him into the broom closet and... well, you get the idea. Thank your god, I'm not you, huh?

[FormerFundie2004]

I just don't understand guys.

I sensed there was a chemistry there, and the "romantic" attraction I had for him went away today and was replaced with a stronger sense of friendship as we talked and the day went on.

Then finally the end of the day came and it was time to leave. Today was the final day. That was it. No more. It felt weird. And as we were leaving, he made a B-line for the exit and his car. Never had he gone so fast. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. He didn't tell me his email or username on yahoo or anything.

Clearly he was not interested in even a friendship...

I'm now just trying to get over the sense of loss I feel in this situation. I'm hurt, too, as it seems that he wasn't interested after all. After all that talking and conversation and doing work side by side...he actually wasn't interested in a friendship with me outside of work?

Even though our "friendship" lasted for about a week, still that should have been enough...

Why? ...why?

[viscousmemories]

Never underestimate the possibility that he was just as afraid or confused as you.

[Dingfod]

Never underestimate the possibility that he was just as afraid or confused as you.Oh, definitely. I was painfully shy at 20, probably feared rejection. I let many young ladies I was interested in slip away because I was afraid to express that sort of interest in them. I was friendly enough, even a bit flirtatious, but when it came down to actually asking them out or telling them how I felt about them, forget about it. I was a fraidy-cat, still am to some degree.

[FormerFundie2004]

I had a good cry when I got home, due to perceived rejection and the pain of realizing I'd probably never see him again, much less continue the friendship outside of work.

I also cried because I got to know my co-workers, and then, just as friendships were beginning, they were severed suddenly. They were a great crew. I really liked all of them, minus 2, and I wish that I could have continued to know them all. Maybe I need a permenant job.

[FormerFundie2004]

Never underestimate the possibility that he was just as afraid or confused as you.

Oh, definitely. I was painfully shy at 20, probably feared rejection. I let many young ladies I was interested in slip away because I was afraid to express that sort of interest in them. I was friendly enough, even a bit flirtatious, but when it came down to actually asking them out or telling them how I felt about them, forget about it. I was a fraidy-cat, still am to some degree.

wow....

Here's how I am...

I could have let him know what I was thinking, how I felt, etc., but I was holding back for 2 reasons:

1) This is my first time to be in this kind of situation, and I was unsure how to go about it.
2) I was not getting as much of a response from him as I was looking for, and therefore I wasn't clear on his position.

Had the 2 criteria above been satisfied, I would have had very little trouble discussing the topic with him, asking him out, etc.

[FormerFundie2004]

If I were you I'd just lead him into the broom closet and... well, you get the idea. Thank your god, I'm not you, huh?

Oh gosh, he is the shy type. Besides, that's beyond harassment. There is no way I'd ever do anything like that.

Yes, very good thing you're not me.

[FormerFundie2004]

What have you got to lose? If he responds positively great, if not, you don't have to see him again.
Every last shred of dignity and iota of self-worth? :D

I have no idea how well FormerFundie2004 handles rejection, but I've never summoned the courage to ask out a woman I was attracted to until we had known each other quite a while or I was really drunk. It's just another irrational but very real fear.

Wow, it's not that bad. I have very little fears of it; I love bluntness and open discussion rather than hidden messages and secrecy. "If we like each other, lets go out!" But my 2 criteria must still be met first.

Either go out on a limb and approach him or resign yourself to losing whatever opportunity might be there. Not just this time, but possibly next time too.

This time I chose to let him go. Next time will be different.

The fear and uncertainty isn't going to go away by magic, and it just gets worse with time. The only way to overcome it is through practice.

It won't get worse for me, just easier.

[Godless Dave]

2) I was not getting as much of a response from him as I was looking for, and therefore I wasn't clear on his position.

I think you're going to run into trouble with criterion #2. It is hardly ever clear what someone else's position is. People express themselves in so many different ways that it is nearly impossible to tell for sure what someone else's attitude towards you is. This is especially true when romantic attraction is involved because the very act of making your feelings clear exposes you to emotional risk.

Interpersonal relations always carry a degree of risk and uncertainty. You just have to make educated guesses and learn to accept rejection. No risk, no reward; no pain, no gain.