Some Jokes for the Ladies [Archive]

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Sweetie

01-01-2005, 05:14 PM

My Mom sent me these, some of them are at least worth a chuckle, my favorite in bold :D :

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened)
(C 'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Dingfod

01-01-2005, 05:35 PM

Hardy-har-har-har.

Sweetie

01-01-2005, 05:40 PM

Tough crowd. :wink:

Dingfod

01-01-2005, 05:42 PM

Perhaps I was too judgemental. You did say it was for the ladies. I'm no lady.

Socratoad

01-01-2005, 05:50 PM

Hey Sweetie, I just loved em :D

Stereotypes? Just barely. Perhaps they are more true to form in the red states. :chin:

pescifish

01-01-2005, 06:26 PM

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)This one makes women out to be more the stupidasses then men, IMO.

What kind of woman can't mow her own damn lawn? That goes for the vibrator issue as well.

I really hate gender stereotype hate jokes of either stripe. Especially ones that have been run around the block a thousand times.

I guess I ain't no lady, neither, warrenly.

D. Scarlatti

01-01-2005, 06:32 PM

I thought vibrators did "mow the lawn," so to speak.

Sweetie

01-01-2005, 06:40 PM

I thought vibrators did "mow the lawn," so to speak.

:D

Socratoad

01-01-2005, 06:40 PM

Sweetie

01-01-2005, 06:49 PM

I don't mind gender jokes if they are of a good-natured teasing type. I don't mind laughing at myself, my gender or my own sexuality if, once again it is of a good-natured sort, in fact I grew up with merciless teasing and to be honest, I kinda miss it. I don't like race jokes usually, though religious jokes are fine if they do have a real point that is true/perceptive and of a good-natured variety.

But, if we were to be technical, my husband doesn't snore, he sleeps like a baby and I do most of the lawn mowing, but even still, I didn't say they were very good but I chuckled at a few of them. :wink:

godfry n. glad

01-01-2005, 06:51 PM

Well, I'm no lady and I thought most of them were amusing, but that first one is outright wrong.

Men do NOT become smarter during sex. Quite the opposite, given that much of the blood needed to oxygenate the brain is diverted elsewhere for the duration.

godfry

livius drusus

01-01-2005, 07:05 PM

Are you really so fucking insecure that you can't take a joke at our expense .... we who have for the most part been so privileged? Lighten up.

pesci is a woman, Toad.

JoeP

01-01-2005, 07:09 PM

Gender Benders
If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you..
But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example.........

1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

---

And of course, this famous oldie:

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine - "La mason"
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "Le crayon"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval: and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem: and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Socratoad

01-01-2005, 07:22 PM

Socratoad

01-01-2005, 07:26 PM

Hey Joe, those are great. I hope ya don't mind if I send the list to some friends.

Dingfod

01-01-2005, 07:38 PM

Joe, just to be completely consistent: Hardy-har-har-har.

JoeP

01-01-2005, 08:18 PM

Warren, I admire your lard-like consistency. :P

pescifish

01-01-2005, 09:43 PM

Are you really so fucking insecure that you can't take a joke at our expense .... we who have for the most part been so privileged? Lighten up.

pesci is a woman, Toad.

Oh dear :toad: with foot firmly in mouth, again. Sorry pesci :(
But the advice to lighten up still stands. :D
Boy, I gotta be the absolute worst kind of crap to get told I'm fucking something by the sweet Socratoad. I really am sorry,dude. And to Sweetie, too. I promise you, I won't let it happen again.

Dingfod

01-01-2005, 09:44 PM

Warren, I admire your lard-like consistency. :PI'm way past lard. More like concrete, it's a lot more dense.

Socratoad

01-01-2005, 10:02 PM

Boy, I gotta be the absolute worst kind of crap to get told I'm fucking something by the sweet Socratoad. I really am sorry,dude. And to Sweetie, too. I promise you, I won't let it happen again.

Hey pesci. :toad: lubs ya. He beez just a bit too quick on the draw sometimes. Come home, all is forgiven. :sadcheer:

JoeP

01-01-2005, 10:39 PM

Toad, love the latest avatar ... will you have changed it again by the time I hit post?

JoeP

01-01-2005, 10:42 PM

Warren, I admire your lard-like consistency. :PI'm way past lard. More like concrete, it's a lot more dense.
You've edited this. I just assumed you were referring to your rock-hard abs.

Dingfod

01-01-2005, 10:51 PM

You've edited this. I just assumed you were referring to your rock-hard abs.No, only my head is rock hard. My abs are more like the lard you mentioned.

viscousmemories

01-01-2005, 11:12 PM

Boy, I gotta be the absolute worst kind of crap to get told I'm fucking something by the sweet Socratoad. I really am sorry,dude. And to Sweetie, too. I promise you, I won't let it happen again.
Wait, you think you have to be the worst kind of crap to get your head bitten off by Toad? I dunno, as far as I can tell he's an equal opportunity hothead. :fuming:

Sweetie

01-01-2005, 11:20 PM

And of course, this famous oldie:

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine - "La mason"
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "Le crayon"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval: and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem: and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

I loved this one, priceless. :D

Socratoad

01-01-2005, 11:30 PM

Toad, love the latest avatar ... will you have changed it again by the time I hit post?

No Joe, I'm gonna keep this one. I loved the penguins, but Mr Toad is almost exactly how I see myself ...... its me.

Socratoad

01-02-2005, 12:02 AM

Boy, I gotta be the absolute worst kind of crap to get told I'm fucking something by the sweet Socratoad. I really am sorry,dude. And to Sweetie, too. I promise you, I won't let it happen again.
Wait, you think you have to be the worst kind of crap to get your head bitten off by Toad? I dunno, as far as I can tell he's an equal opportunity hothead. :fuming:

Damn you VM. I resemble that remark. :yup:

JoeP

01-02-2005, 10:33 PM

CARLA

01-03-2005, 02:31 AM

The Joys of Womanhood

Brilliant Woman Author Unknown

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman Gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what You're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

CARLA

01-03-2005, 03:11 AM

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. :crap:

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains. :hangover:

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot. :crap:

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit. :weed: :joint:

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola. :clever:

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit. :bull:

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan. :shitfan:

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. :serve:

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. :pigfly:

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty. :badidea:

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. :blah:

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. :yipes:

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. :flood:

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. :sml:

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! :bow:

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! :yup:

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........
Well, Shit Happens!!! :crap:

Shake

01-04-2005, 04:11 PM

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
So if you want us to be smarter, you have to let us "plug in" more often! :yup: :D :lecher:

Corona688

01-04-2005, 04:47 PM

But the advice to lighten up still stands. :D Why lighten up when we see nothing funny about it? This kind of joke is not just offensive, it's also very stale.

Sweetie

01-04-2005, 05:58 PM

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
So if you want us to be smarter, you have to let us "plug in" more often! :yup: :D :lecher:

:D

Sweetie

01-04-2005, 06:03 PM

Why lighten up when we see nothing funny about it? This kind of joke is not just offensive, it's also very stale.

It seems to be just one of those things though, we are all different and we all have our "buttons," and the point at which we find something so offensive or boring it's not funny. We are all entitled to an opinion and we each have our own sense of humour and that's to be expected. We can co-exist peacefully and our personalities can each survive intact. :yup:

Petra

02-04-2005, 05:46 AM

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

Ok, yes, they're old and stale jokes, but this one I'd never heard before, and...
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

Yep. :chuckle:

Sweetie

02-04-2005, 06:04 AM

Haha, well yes, that's the one that gets everyone. Went to visit relatives yesterday and that's the only one worth retelling, my step-brother just about died laughing! His face was so red! :D

Sweetie

02-04-2005, 06:15 AM

My aunts between giggles were asking him, "what, is it true?" and he said "No," and kept laughing.

Anyways, I think it's more amusing if you get an image of Fred Flintstone in your head, when he snores and then floats off the bed and then breathes out and goes back down, and you get the idea, hehe. :D

koan

02-10-2005, 08:26 AM

Well, Shit Happens!!! :crap:

You didn't credit your source. This HAS to be George Carlin, yes?

kensloft

02-10-2005, 11:32 PM

I think that women's jokes about men are vastly under-rated. Two pages of chuckles and great interactons bythe posters has made my day. Thanks you guys!!!!!

Corona688

02-11-2005, 10:27 PM

We are all entitled to an opinion and we each have our own sense of humour and that's to be expected. We can co-exist peacefully and our personalities can each survive intact. :yup: We are peacefully coexisting. It's not my intention to blast threads out of existence or bury them under tirades. I posted my opinion once and left it at that.

Smilin

06-28-2006, 04:07 PM

The miracle of toilet paper....

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it''s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn''t it?"

He''s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man .