Funny Cop Stories

[Dingfod]

We have at least two cops in our membership here, perhaps they have some stories of their own. I'm pretty sure we have members here that have been on the other end of the nightstick... or ticket pad, as the case may be, perhaps you all have stories of your own to share, not serious cops-are-meanies stuff, but light-hearted tales of fun and frivolity and the like.

Here's the one told me by my grandpa's neighbor, the Oklahoma State Trooper a long time ago. I'll call him Trooper Smith because I'll be damned if I can remember his name or would divulge it if I did.

As Trooper Smith was driving southeast down US-183, noticed a rural mailbox lying in the middle of the southbound lane. Trooper Smith put on his flashing lights and pulled up to a stop in front of the mailbox. He looked around and saw no nearby farmhouses. He got out and looked it over. The mailbox didn't have any indentification on it, just a plain rural mailbox, so he picked up the mailbox and placed it in the trunk of his patrol car, planning to turn the lost item in at the end of his day.

Then, Trooper Smith then went about his business, cruising along at 10 mph under the speed limit so as to not pile up traffic behind him, eventually clocking someone driving the other direction in excess of the usual 10 mph over that he allowed. The speeder was from North Dakota or somewhere equally foreign to Oklahoma. In those days, the early to mid-1970s, in lieu of posting bond or forfeiting a driver's license, someone stopped for traffic offenses was allowed to plead guilty or no contest by marking and signing the ticket, pay the fine by personal check, then placed it in a mailing envelope provided by the State Trooper who would then escort them to the nearest official postal service mailbox or post office to place the envelope in custody of the U.S. Postal Service.

Sure that the North Dakotan was in a hurry to resume their trip and himself not wanting to backtrack back to the last town because he was supposed to meet another trooper for lunch in Canton, Trooper Smith suggested that he knew where they could mail the envelope without having to go to the nearest town. He led the North Dakotan around the back of the patrol car and opened the trunk. The North Dakotan looked at the mailbox in the trunk, then at Trooper Smith like he was crazy. "How do I know the postal service will get it?" Trooper Smith grinned, leaned over, reaching into the trunk and raised the red flag on the mailbox.

Trooper Smith had a great sense of humor. Too bad there are so many cops that don't.

[Socratoad]

A tribute to the police officer in the great Arlo Guthrie song, "Alice's Restuarant"

http://www.arlo.net/obie.shtml

[lady cop]

hey TOAD, thanks for the memory!..... i was in the jail, :jail: in a central corridor, talking with 3 other female officers. new prisoners are sent through this corridor to their respective cells, unescorted, there's really no way they can go astray. well this drunk, who was arrested by a female deputy, and then booked and printed by a female deputy, was heading our way through this area....bouncing off the walls and falling down :seestars: ...finally he approaches us, stands there and stares a moment, bobbing and weaving and reeking, and announces "WELL DAMN,THE FUCKING COPS ARE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF FUCKING LESBIANS"...it was one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but god did we laugh!! :hysteric: that poor guy was in his worst nightmare!! :ladycop:

[Socratoad]

hey TOAD, thanks for the memory!..... i was in the jail, :jail: in a central corridor, talking with 3 other female officers. new prisoners are sent through this corridor to their respective cells, unescorted, there's really no way they can go astray. well this drunk, who was arrested by a female deputy, and then booked and printed by a female deputy, was heading our way through this area....bouncing off the walls and falling down :seestars: ...finally he approaches us, stands there and stares a moment, bobbing and weaving and reeking, and announces "WELL DAMN,THE FUCKING COPS ARE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF FUCKING LESBIANS"...it was one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but god did we laugh!! :hysteric: that poor guy was in his worst nightmare!! :ladycop:

:woohoo: :roflmao:

[lisarea]

Well, my superpower is that I am invisible to cops, so I really don't have many personal cop stories, but I have a vicarious one:

The Little Muffin was coming back from lunch at school with several of his friends one day, when they got into a very minor fender bender in front of the school. LM was sitting shotgun, and his friend behind him had had a cup of soda, which he spilled on the back of the LM's. The local cop who had a presence at the school came to take the accident report, and asked them if anyone had been injured. LM answered, "Brian spilled his soda on me," so the cop looked very serious and dictated aloud very pointedly, "Injury: Trevor's neck even stickier than usual."

OK. It's not hilarious or anything, but it's about the best I've got.

Oh. Except maybe for the time the two officers, who looked about twelve years old, responded to a water main break on the street right in front of my house by taking turns standing on top of the rumbling, swollen piece of asphalt, and giggling like little schoolgirls. Then, when I went to stand on it, they put on these fake serious faces and told me that they were allowed to do it because they were trained professionals. I lied about being a trained professional feng shui consultant or something, and plus I saw it first, so they said it was OK, then.

[Socratoad]

Well, my superpower is that I am invisible to cops, so I really don't have many personal cop stories, but I have a vicarious one:

The Little Muffin was coming back from lunch at school with several of his friends one day, when they got into a very minor fender bender in front of the school. LM was sitting shotgun, and his friend behind him had had a cup of soda, which he spilled on the back of the LM's. The local cop who had a presence at the school came to take the accident report, and asked them if anyone had been injured. LM answered, "Brian spilled his soda on me," so the cop looked very serious and dictated aloud very pointedly, "Injury: Trevor's neck even stickier than usual."

OK. It's not hilarious or anything, but it's about the best I've got.

Oh. Except maybe for the time the two officers, who looked about twelve years old, responded to a water main break on the street right in front of my house by taking turns standing on top of the rumbling, swollen piece of asphalt, and giggling like little schoolgirls. Then, when I went to stand on it, they put on these fake serious faces and told me that they were allowed to do it because they were trained professionals. I lied about being a trained professional feng shui consultant or something, and plus I saw it first, so they said it was OK, then.

And everybody laughed except Trevor.

[lady cop]

ok, i'm on shoplifter duty and pervert patrol at walmart...my favorite thing to do....and this guy who i had seen stealing a playstation ll the night before, (and was not able to bust him because of a probable cause problem) i had confronted him that night and told him i was lifting prints from the box he had hidden in domestics and that i had him on videotape (total lies), so he'd be seeing me again soon with a warrant :whup: ....anyway i guess he thought about it, because he ran into walmart the next night, deposited the stolen playstation components on electronics counter and ran towards the door...i got on intercom, said "will the gentleman who left playstation please return to electronics for your reward?" and the dumbass did!!! his reward was i cuffed him up on the spot. :cuffs: heh heh :D i could do a whole thread on stupid shoplifters.

[Socratoad]

Kinda reminds me of the young couple who recently reported to the cops that someone had stolen their grass cache.

[lady cop]

Kinda reminds me of the young couple who recently reported to the cops that someone had stolen their grass cache.
i would have asked to see some evidence :D

[Socratoad]

Ya, but maybe they thought the police would feel sorry for them and actually give them some giggle-weed :D

[lady cop]

Ya, but maybe they thought the police would feel sorry for them and actually give them some giggle-weed :D
hmmmmm...let me check the evidence lockers....must be an extra ounce or two left in there..... :smokingj:

[Socratoad]

Ya, but maybe they thought the police would feel sorry for them and actually give them some giggle-weed :D
hmmmmm...let me check the evidence lockers....must be an extra ounce or two left in there..... :smokingj:

Whoops looks like :toad: hopped into the locker and there it is ......gone :mememe:

[Ymir's blood]

ok, i'm on shoplifter duty and pervert patrol at walmart...so... uh what do you do with the perverts once you've caught them? :lecher:

Seriously, what is, "pervert patrol," anyway?

[CARLA]

:popcorn: Love the stories..!!

:1thumbup: :roflmao: I know Lady Cop has some great WALMART "PERVERT SHOPLIFTER PATROL" stories..!! :popcorn:

Keep them coming..!! :D

[lady cop]

ok, i'm on shoplifter duty and pervert patrol at walmart...so... uh what do you do with the perverts once you've caught them? :lecher:

Seriously, what is, "pervert patrol," anyway?
our walmart is HUGE and open 24/7....so it attracts all kinds of weirdos...especially in the middle of the night. in all seriousness, there are perverts stalking females in the store, and female children as well, many of you may have seen that video on tv news a couple years back of a man molesting a little girl in a store. we also had an elderly male pervert who was cruising and frightening a 16 year old male working a cash register, scared the kid to death. i set that prick up and bagged him. the kid helped me do it, bravely....what do we do with them? my jail has two blocks full of nothing but sex offenders.

[lady cop]

:popcorn: Love the stories..!!

:1thumbup: :roflmao: I know Lady Cop has some great WALMART "PERVERT SHOPLIFTER PATROL" stories..!! :popcorn:

Keep them coming..!! :D
hi Carla! ok how about this guy...goes into high-end clothing store, and takes many expensive items in dressing room. he has a tool to remove those big sensor thingys. he removes them, puts all the clothes on in layers, and walks out...only guess where he stashed the sensor things.... his jeans pocket. :mocking: :biglaugh:see 'ya dipshit! :shackled:

[viscousmemories]

Once upon a time (when I was in my early teens) a friend and I shoplifted some single beers and a bag of pistachios from a local Kresge store and scaled some buildings to hide out and drink. (For anyone familiar with Ann Arbor, Michigan - we climbed to the top of Nickels Arcade. For those unfamiliar Nickels Arcade is probably 6 stories tall or so. Here's a pic (http://www.angelfire.com/de2/detroitpix/A2NickelsArcade.jpg)).

So we sat up there drinking our beers and eating pistachios, making a mostly unsuccessful game of trying to hit the pedestrians on the sidewalk below with the pistachio shells. Unsuccessful because for the most part they just landed on windowsills, awnings, etc.

Anyway we ran out of beer so we climbed down and went back to the store to get some more, then headed back to the rooftop. Getting up included going up a staircase in an alley, jumping a little fence, scaling a small wall, then climbing a ladder. As soon as I reached the top of the ladder, my friend climbing up right behind me, I saw two uniformed cops up on the roof. I turned around and told my friend there were cops up there, but he just laughed, said "bullshit" and kept climbing.

Both cops laughed about that as they greeted him when he got to the top. One of them made a crack about how he should be a detective 'cause he found the fresh beer caps up there and suspected we weren't far away. Apparently they got reports of some kids throwing rocks at people, but they believed us that we were only dropping pistachio shells.

When it came time to climb down the ladder one of the cops was having trouble maneuvering with his nightstick so he handed it to me. Then he said he's getting old and he's tired so if we try to run he's just gonna shoot us. He was a pretty funny guy. When we made it down to the squad car he read us our rights and arrested us, then put us in the back seat.

Two drama queen girls I knew showed up and started shreiking and begging to give me a hug before they hauled me away, and the cop asked me under his breath if I wanted him to open the door or tell them it was out of the question. I went with the latter. :D

Anyway I can't really tell right now if that's a funny story, but it was funny to me at the time. :)

[lady cop]

well VM i found it most entertaining...here's another of america's stupidest criminals...guy wins 5 million big ones in the texas lottery last year. so what does he do? he is busted next day by undercover, selling crack...jesus, did he need the money?? texas took away his prize winnings. what a jerk.

[wildernesse]

ok, i'm on shoplifter duty and pervert patrol at walmart...my favorite thing to do....

I enjoy reading the crime report for the next county over, probably half of it is shoplifting from the super-Walmart--and the shift from wandering out the door to the brilliant plan of trying to return things that they haven't bought has been an interesting evolution.

[Dingfod]

Two drama queen girls I knew showed up and started shreiking and begging to give me a hug before they hauled me away,...Well, you are Ben Afleck, right? BTW, how is Jennifer Garner? I heard you two were dating. You stole my girlfriend, you sorry bastard. :wink:

I enjoy reading the crime report for the next county over, probably half of it is shoplifting from the super-Walmart--and the shift from wandering out the door to the brilliant plan of trying to return things that they haven't bought has been an interesting evolution.Walmart used to naively have a no questions asked "Satisfaction Guaranteed" return policy, which was horribly abused. I was standing behind a lady at customer service who swore she bought the item she was trying to return at Walmart. It had K-Mart's label printed on the package. Walmart gave her the money. How stupid.

Walmart used have and probably still does have corporate security personnel that travel around testing their security. Fifteen years ago or so, one of them convinced an associate at the Cortez, Colorado Walmart to help them haul a stack of stereos and VCRs out the door with a dolley, the associate did so without asking to see a receipt or anything.

Back then they didn't have the people monitoring the the doors except for Customer Service and the cashiers. Now their exit door security consists of 99 year old men and women that can barely see or move, let alone do anything about someone that refuses to stop when they ask them to.

Shoplifting losses must be huge at Walmart, but amazingly, they keep on making huge profits. When I was in department store management 28 years ago, we were told employee theft exceeded that of shoplifting.

[lady cop]

you are so right Warrenly...the REAL reason i did walmart was employee theft. employees know how to steal and i was authorized to bust any of them and management too. further, i busted the photo shop ladies and bellsouth booth lady. they would go into body of store, load up with merchandise and then conceal in their respective booths. the pharmacist used to love me, laughed his butt off knowing what i was up to. i was his entertainment. i took so many people out of there in handcuffs that even now when i go into walmart to shop, people sidle up to me and whisper "are you shopping or working?". LOL the awful thing is, i can't go shopping for real without seeing shoplifters everywhere!

[lady cop]

oh...and those elderly door greeters...they aren't authorized to do a damn thing. they can ask to see your receipt, but you can keep walking and say bugger off. what are they going to do, take you down? walmart is very worried over potential lawsuits for false arrests (bad stops). they would just as soon let you steal as bust you. and those camera things in the ceiling? no-one is watching those. the only way to bust a shoplifter is spot them selecting, concealing and leaving, without ever losing sight of them. oh, and the sensors going off when you walk out? what the hell are those old ladies going to do if you keep walking? NOBODY is authorized to bust you except a select few people. me and management, who is usually too chickenshit to do it. it gets dangerous outside, i had a guy try to cut my throat with a boxcutter once.

[viscousmemories]

NOBODY is authorized to bust you except a select few people. me and management, who is usually too chickenshit to do it. it gets dangerous outside, i had a guy try to cut my throat with a boxcutter once.
:eek: Chickenshit or smart? I'd say making their own safety a priority over Wal-Mart's petty financial loss is pretty smart. Especially with trained (and armed?) fighters like yourself around.

Oh btw in case anyone is thinking less of me for being a thief as described in the story above, rest assured that it was only a phase. I quit shoplifting when I was 16.

Oh and I never threatened to cut anyones throat except my probation officer, and not with a boxcutter.