View Full Version : It's Not Premarital Sex If She's Already Married
This thread is about abstinence preaching in state schools.
I am about to watch a documentary called "Texas Teenage Virgins". I will let you know what it is like.
Six minutes and 41 seconds into it, somethings.
Firstly, I'm glad that teenagers are complete munters all over the world. "Dude, I hope there's some fine women at this party. We're going to try to get some play."
Secondly, they interviewed these girls who had never even been taught how to put on a condom. WHAT THE FUCK.
I love that money is being spent on a "purity ring" at a "Christian department store".
Prices seem to range from US$35 to US$70.
At the pledge to purity ceremony, the pastor - one of those annoying disturbingly friendly blonde-highlights Understands The Youth types - pulls out a used toothbrush and asks the person to put it in their mouth. They say, "No, that's disgusting."
Pastor Ed goes on to explain that if you're had sex, you're a used toothbrush.
The toothbrush in the unopened box is a "virgin toothbrush". "It's pure. It's clean. It's free from sin."
It's too perfect. The girl is putting on loads of make-up for when she gets in front of everyone for the purity pledge.
The local state schools rely on Pastor Ed for their abstinence education. He gets paid to do this. He is spinning a wheel of misfortune. There are eight possible outcomes. He pulls back the cover to reveal what result he's spun:
"Man, I couldn't have planned it better. Aids."
Interviewer: "Don't you think it's problematic to tell kids that condoms have holes in them?"
Ed: "It's the truth."
Interviewer: "Have you ever tried to blow up a condom?"
Ed: "Sure."
Interviewer: "How could it blow up if it had holes in it?"
Ed: "Because it's a synthetic material. It is not- It is porous. It does not... You blow one up and set it around and see if it deflates. It will."
Ed: "It is synthetic. It is made of fibres that go both ways."
Ed: "I'm giving them accurate knowledge that they're not talking about on TV."
Every week, 1000 teenagers go to a worship night called Paradigm, with rock music and its own merchandise. "Indestructable Paradigm water bottles only $10" says the enormous video projection screen.
If I hear the word "pure" again, I will kill someone.
wade-w
01-03-2005, 12:57 AM
Ya know, you could wait til it's over and post a summary.
Clutch Munny
01-03-2005, 01:04 AM
LOL!
Nice commentary. I wish I could watch it too -- but kinda glad that I can't.
39 minutes in.
I think it's quite cool that one of these churches has a pre-marital counselling course for six weeks, covering everything from finances to sexual fulfilment.
Using a "sexual intensity chart" and phrases like "men are like microwaves, women are like slow-cookers".
livius drusus
01-03-2005, 01:05 AM
Ya know, you could wait til it's over and post a summary.
But then he'd probably forget the really horrible dialogue like the condom pores discussion. :unibrow:
I'm wondering about those toothbrushes. I mean, is he toothbrush monogamous? No travel toothbrush? No throwing it out when the bristles get all splayed and deformed? Pretty poor analogy, I gotta say.
It's funner to do a running commentary.
I'm so glad I didn't go to one of these churches when I was growing up.
I'm wondering about those toothbrushes. I mean, is he toothbrush monogamous? No travel toothbrush? No throwing it out when the bristles get all splayed and deformed? Pretty poor analogy, I gotta say.
Yeah, how come it doesn't apply to hugs?
Here's a funny thing. What I'm doing is reviewing the closed captions that we bought from another captioning company. Where I would have captioned this part as:
(PRAYS IN TONGUES)
the original captioner has typed:
A-ta-ta da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Oh-lo-lo-lo-lee-a-sa-ta-da-da.
(edit)
There's more:
Oh, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
bo-so-do-la-ba-ba-ba-ba.
wildernesse
01-03-2005, 01:21 AM
Here's a funny thing. What I'm doing is reviewing the closed captions that we bought from another captioning company. Where I would have captioned this part as:
(PRAYS IN TONGUES)
the original captioner has typed:
A-ta-ta da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Oh-lo-lo-lo-lee-a-sa-ta-da-da.
(edit)
There's more:
Oh, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
bo-so-do-la-ba-ba-ba-ba.
:happy:
lady cop
01-03-2005, 02:04 AM
ob li di ob li da....i KNEW the Beatles were onto something. :listenin: :notes: :notes: :notes:
flufeemunk
01-03-2005, 06:32 AM
When I was reading the first post, Texas Teenage Virgins sounded like a porn flick which you were ironically calling a documentary. Too bad.
It's funner to do a running commentary.
I'm so glad I didn't go to one of these churches when I was growing up.
:livcop:
You can't say funner on this board.
Ya know, you could wait til it's over and post a summary.
But then he'd probably forget the really horrible dialogue like the condom pores discussion. :unibrow:
I'm wondering about those toothbrushes. I mean, is he toothbrush monogamous? No travel toothbrush? No throwing it out when the bristles get all splayed and deformed? Pretty poor analogy, I gotta say.
Nothing wrong with a bit of flossing on the side?
Dingfod
01-03-2005, 08:08 PM
It's funner to do a running commentary.
I'm so glad I didn't go to one of these churches when I was growing up.
:livcop:
You can't say funner on this board.Why? It's way more gooder.
Dingfod
01-03-2005, 08:09 PM
It's Not Premarital Sex If She's Already MarriedI always thought it would be better to have an affair with a married woman. I mean, who's she going to tell?
It's funner to do a running commentary.
I'm so glad I didn't go to one of these churches when I was growing up.
:livcop:
You can't say funner on this board.Why? It's way more gooder.
The word you're looking for is gooderer.
Clutch Munny
01-03-2005, 08:40 PM
The funny thing is, to extend the analogy a bit, these people are as opposed to "using your own toothbrush" as they are to using someone else's. It's just general dental hygeine that has them all in twist.
livius drusus
01-03-2005, 08:54 PM
True, Clutch. What's the latin term for "Argument from Cooties"?
Petra
01-03-2005, 10:13 PM
Now I know why my bristles are all splayed. :blush:
So how long before they biblically justify the surgical and painless removal, at birth, of those nasty little pleasure buttons and what-have-you?
The Onion had a most brilliant article in it's archives regarding a young couple in their twenties marrying and having sex for the first time. It was gut-bustingly hilarious. But, alas, The Onion needs me to become a paid member to have access to those archives now.
So, anyway, how do I go about getting a new toothbrush? I already floss (http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/Products.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=0a610a0&RefPage=Products&StoreRegNo=&catalog_base=&firstpage=&cmOrigID=0A010FC&cmPosID=1). :D
Dingfod
01-03-2005, 10:22 PM
So, anyway, how do I go about getting a new toothbrush? I already floss (http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/Products.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=0a610a0&RefPage=Products&StoreRegNo=&catalog_base=&firstpage=&cmOrigID=0A010FC&cmPosID=1). :DRrrrrrrowwrr! I'd like to run those through my teeth. Uh-huh!
viscousmemories
01-03-2005, 10:56 PM
I'm a little concerned that the commentary stopped at the speaking in tongues. Did Zoot turn into a frog or something?
flufeemunk
01-04-2005, 01:37 AM
The Onion had a most brilliant article in it's archives regarding a young couple in their twenties marrying and having sex for the first time. It was gut-bustingly hilarious. But, alas, The Onion needs me to become a paid member to have access to those archives now.
Oh god, I love that one. The whole "Confusing hit-and-miss poking in the dark since touching the genitals is a sin" thing was comedy gold.
Sycophant
01-07-2005, 07:23 AM
It seems this documentary is screening here on TV One at 8:30 this Monday night (Luna, you know you want to watch).
I have seen Zoot since his last post and he is not a frog. I will also be watching the show with closed captions on so I can see what Zoot replaced the American speaking in tongues captions with. He has always had a thing for onomatopoeia, so I expect it shoudl be good.
Don't fail me Zoot!
Sycophant
01-07-2005, 07:24 AM
So, anyway, how do I go about getting a new toothbrush? I already floss (http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/Products.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=0a610a0&RefPage=Products&StoreRegNo=&catalog_base=&firstpage=&cmOrigID=0A010FC&cmPosID=1). :D
Ooooh gosh, I say, well I never, I uh, well, um. Gracious I am all flustered now.
Petra
01-07-2005, 07:30 AM
It seems this documentary is screening here on TV One at 8:30 this Monday night (Luna, you know you want to watch).
Hell, yeah! Thanks for the heads up. :cool:
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