Alzheimers and the Elderly

[Petra]

What experiences have you had with this? What advice do you have?


My old friend Lyn, who I've spoken of here before, is a single, never married 79 year old with no children, and lives on her own.

Her health has always been good, although alzheimers has been creeping in over the last couple of years or so.

As she lives alone, I make sure that I try to visit with her most days - though not every day - and I take her on outings and make sure her bills are paid and that when she sees the doctor etc, I'm there to be her memory. Without me, she wouldn't have a clue about why she is at the doctors after getting there, or what the doctor's prognosis and prescription is after the fact.

She can be lucid at times, and her long term memory is good. But she can also be muddled and occasionally panicked to varying degrees about such things as where her chequebook is, or where her car is. (We sold her car after she was deemed incapable of having a drivers license a few months ago - sometimes she knows this, sometimes she doesn't).

Last Monday, I called her to tell her I would be around after I'd done my housework. She sounded in a state of shock, and told me that she was just running herself a bath, but that she had intended to call me because she was bleeding. I asked her where she was bleeding from, and she said "down below", thinking she was having menstruation visited upon her again after all these years and that she didn't have a pad or anything to stop the flow. Naturally, I told her I'd be right there.

When I got there, I found blood dripped from her bed to the loo to the bathroom, all over the carpet. She had already changed her linen and soaked her nightie and knickers, and run herself a bath. She had done all this before I'd called her, and who knows when she would've called me about it (or, for that matter, called a doctor, an ambulance, or pressed the button on the emergency necklace she never wears.

Lyn is a wanderer, always taking about 3 walks on a familiar route every day, after bathing and applying her makeup, getting dressed etc. She's walked for exercise ever since I've known her (and I've known her since I was about 5 years old). So she's pretty fit physically - more so than many her age - but her mind is going. Yet she prides herself on her independence, and it's so hard watching that independence go.

Anyway, I got her up to the emergency room, which was hectic, and without me there she wouldn't have had a clue why she was there. She was admitted late in the day to the surgical ward in case she needed a blood transfusion (which she didn't as the bleeding - which was coming from her colon or bowel - slowed to a stop). I've spent a good part of every day with her in the hospital, and have also been to her house to arrange for carpet cleaners, getting her washing machine fixed (I didn't even know it was broken, and I would've thought that the home help she gets for an hour or so a week would've noticed, and told me), and generally having a good clean up of the place.

Anyway, she was released from hospital today (Friday), but I didn't take her home from the hospital - I booked her into a really lovely rest home instead, and told her a wee lie about why she was there. (And it really is a lovely place - I spent the best part of 2 days going around all the local homes and interviewing them before choosing this one). Anyhoo, I told her that she had been officially referred and sent to this one by the doctors at the hospital because she wasn't sick enough to stay in the ward, but she wasn't well enough to go home, and so this was the prescibed transition place between hospital and home. In the meantime, I'm sorting her out for a proper and full assessment of where's she at, mentally and physically.

I've booked her in for a week, and I've reassured her that it's only for a week, but I'm not so sure. She has to have a colonoscopy in about 2 to 3 weeks as an outpatient - they'll send me the paperwork and appointment details - and I'm kind of hoping that I can keep up charades until after that procedure, at least. It means warping time a bit for her, so that she thinks the 2 to 3 weeks are really only just the one week. I've taken her her tv and radio for her room there, so she will be comfortable and have some familiarity, and of course I shall continue to visit her and take her on outings. But, I still feel like such a heel - such a big, bad meanie. But I'm worried for her wellbeing at home on her own, especially overnight and during the hours of the day that I can't be there for her.

I try to joke with her and make her laugh and calm her when she's nervous and be patient when she's confused - all things I'm pretty good at, if you don't mind me blowing my own horn here - and she trusts me completely.

I had always thought that putting Lyn in a home would be like a death sentence to her; that it would facilitate rapid deterioration; and that she is best off in her own home and familiar surroundings, with enough support (she already gets one midday meal delivered through elderly support services 5 days a week, and the aforementioned weekly cleaning lady) - but I really have no prior experience of such things, and I'm now doubting myself about this. Maybe she would be better off in more permanent residential care? Even if it were against her own wishes. :(

I don't know.


:sadcheer:

[Hugo Holbling]

All you can do is what you think best, Petra. I'm sure Lyn will trust your decision and would say as much if she understood what was going on, not least because you've been there for her for so long. I know that if i get Alzheimer's when i'm older then i hope i have someone like you looking out for me. :)

[Pendaric]

I don't know what the law is in New Zealand, but in the UK it can be hellish difficult to put somebody in a home if they object to it, even if it is clearly for their own benefit.

My grandmother was in a similar state to your friend last year, and because she was fiercely independent and resistant to going in a home the doctors and social workers would not commit her, even after a spate of incidents such as you describe and with all the family on board. We finally got agreement from the social services for her to be put in a home only when she was taken in to hospital because of various accumulated ailments she wasn't telling us or the doctor about, although she died in hospital and never actually went to the home.

You say that the lady is a friend rather than a relative, so I would have thought it would be even more difficult if not impossible for you to force the issue. As said, I don't know what the law is in New Zealand, but here a home is the last resort after various methods of support at home have been tried - it's a lot more expensive for the state to pay for someone in a home than it is to provide meals on wheels and call bys.

You have all my sympathies in this situation. It can be massively painful for family and friends to watch this happening - been there, done that.

You can and will feel like an absolute bastard if you have to take decisions on the person's behalf that you know they don't want, even though they are the right decisions for them. You have to be strong and know that you are making the right choices for the right reasons, even if it's not appreciated and earns you nothing but pain.

[Dingfod]

Uncle Jack, age 93, related only by marriage, was lucid and entertaining to converse with at our family reunion last October. A couple months ago, his wife, Aunt Isabel, 90, had to go into the hospital in Portland for minor surgery. Their daughter offered to drive Jack to their home in McMinneville, they were worried about him getting lost or something. Jack was insulted, insisted on driving himself home. Jack's car was found a couple days late off in a ditch up in the mountains east of Portland. Jack was found the next day out in the wilderness, wandering lost, all bruised and scratched up. He had no idea where he was. He's recovered now, but pretty well gone mentally. It seemed to me it came on so suddenly. Obviously, immediate family noticed the onset beforehand, that's why they were concerned.

To echo Hugo, I too hope that I have someone like lunapetrachick watching out for me when I get old.

[Pinecone]

If it's any help, I too am very independent and would love to stay in my little cottage until the end (a painless easy one of course). But, have told anyone that would try to care for me if I got alz, to put me in a care place and don't look back! I want to BE the independent old crow in the woods, and if I'm not, quite frankly I'm not 'me' anymore and they shouldn't have to watch what I myself wouldn't want to watch... The slow end of 'me'.
So I think you are doing very very good by her! Hugs!!

[yguy]

But, I still feel like such a heel - such a big, bad meanie.I would suggest you let that feeling go to Hell where it belongs. It's sweet that you want to help and all, but your resources are limited. Caring for someone like that will become increasingly draining over time; and you have a daughter to attend to, who has to come first.

[lisarea]

My grandfather had Alzheimers. He wanted to continue living on his own, but things got pretty bad. He'd get confused, get lost, and started to forget things. They were worried he'd burn his house down someday, and my aunt had to 'steal' his car to keep him from driving. So eventually it was decided he'd come out to live with us.

But even with both of my parents and four teenagers helping look after him, it was hard. He'd do things in the middle of the night, including calling 911 and telling them he'd been kidnapped. In his lucid moments, he'd just feel guilty for putting us through it. So my dad took him back to Detroit and found him a retirement home there. And he had a great time. There were a bunch of little old German men there, so they'd take them all out for a once a week "Beer Bust" at the pub. They had dances and parties and got to socialize every day. It turned out to be probably the best thing for him, despite everyone's expectations to the contrary.

Don't feel bad about having to use a little deception to help her along. It really sounds like you're doing the right thing.

[maddog]

But, have told anyone that would try to care for me if I got alz, to put me in a care place and don't look back! Amen!

#1259

[vremya]

Wow, this is a weird coincidence. I'm working on some research for one of my profs on what to do when an older person is unable to make their own medical decisions and they need medical care, and they have no friends or family. Lyn is really fortunate to have someone like you watching her back!

Wait and see how things play out - it doesn't make too much sense to worry about stuff before you have to. So long as she knows she's in a place where she can get some rest and the care she needs, that's fine for now.

And don't forget to take care of yourself! It's really easy to forget yourself when you're looking after someone else.

[Plant Woman]

I echo take care of yourself too. This is a hard situation and unfortunately you are the one that has to make the decisions. Keep doing what you think is best for her, that is all you can do.

[mickthinks]

Hello Petra!

You have to make some decisions on your friend's behalf and naturally you don't want to make any mistakes. But that is an unrealistic standard for anyone to set themselves. Recognise that you will make some mistakes and Lyn will suffer as a consequence. You aren't taking on this responsibility because you are perfect, but because you are better placed now than anyone else, including Lyn, to decide what's best. All you can demand of yourself is to know that you did the best you could.

I think the big danger is to place too much emphasis on the pain and guilt you would feel, and the blame you might get from others, if anything bad happened to Lyn and you weren't there to prevent it. Sometimes the willingness to risk that pain is the best gift we can give our loved ones, because it is the price of their dignity and freedom. Her long-term survival may not be as important to her as her continuing dignity and freedom.

The story I have to tell is that of my old mathematics teacher, who was kept on at the school long after retirement age, because the teaching and nurturing of children and the fellowship of the staff room was his whole life, and because he was still good at it. I reckon that it was the year I spent in his form that developed in me the enthusiasm for mathematics that took me on to university. Early in the following year, his new class started noticing that he was making more and more frequent mistakes. One day he didn't turn up to take the class. He was missing for about three days and then they found his body floating in the canal. The inquest decided it was 'accidental' but it was generally assumed that he'd made it happen.

Those who were closest to him probably felt dreadful that they'd not been able to prevent him doing 'something silly'. My feeling is that the only way to prevent it would have been to take control of his actions away from him, and that would have been worse than what actually happened.

The cases are very different, and I am not saying you should leave your friend to fend for herself. The point of the story is just to illustrate the difference between 'doing it for her' and 'doing it to avoid the risk to yourself of feeling, or being made by others to feel, that you could have prevented something'.

It's a tough call. Talk to her about your fears, and let her know your needs. Then take the risks with her that she needs to take.

You're both in my thoughts.

Mick

[Godwhacker]

Your friend is very lucky to have you. Most of what I do involves trying to take care of those with dementia. Its very hard work emotionally, and my hat is off to you. If there were more people like you around, the safety of our older adults would be so much better!

Im going to say some things that you don't want to hear (or, in this case, read):

First, a person with dementia is going to need a nursing home level of care at some point in the disease process (unless they die of something else first).

Second, I have personally witnessed too many times where a demented person has seriously injured themselves or someone else or died due to remaining in a home environment. We usually don't think of our homes are being dangerous places, but they can to a demented person. Some examples: I have had several patients burn themselves severely when they cranked up the hot water and forgot to add cold. Numerous fires due to various causes (leaving things on the stove, leaving the gas on, smoking). Many many examples of caregivers who are attacked by the demented person when the demented person forgets who they are and thinks that they are a thief or attacker. I have seen several husbands attack their wives (in a few cases, severely) who they have been married to for over 50 years because they did not recall who they were! Probably the most dangerous thing is the wandering. In the area in which I live, at least once every few monts, once per month in the winter, an older demented person wanders off, only to be found dead after getting lost, exposure to cold, etc. Lastly, many demented patients died by not taking vital medications or neglecting themselves (dementia can lead to people forgetting to eat, sleep, bathe, etc. - I often have residents ask me "whats for dinner?" five minutes after they just ate it!).

Third, thus, based on the above, sometimes a home is a safer place. Granted, they might not be happier, but they will be alive. What I often see is great resistance on the part of the patient and caregivers when a resident first comes to the nursing home. However, in time, once the resident starts to socialize and get into the activities, they end up being happier than before they came in. This is certainly not true of all residents, but many.

Fourth, most (certainly not all) nursing homes are not nearly as awful as people think, and there is a large movement afoot to make them more home like and less hospital like (e.g., "The Eden Alternative"). Before I get jumped on, I am not saying that all nursing homes are great, or even good, but many are, and many are trying to get rid of the negative view of nursing homes by the public.

A good home should have a walking program, so your friend can continue to enjoy her walks. They should allow her to make trips with friends and others (like you!). A good nursing home will aim to try to give a resident the maximum amount of freedom and quality of life possible within a reasonably safe environment.

I don't know about down under, but I know in the U.S. we have some resources, such as the local branch of the Alzheimer's Association, or a Azheimer's Research Center (ARC) at a local university, etc. I would suspect that there has to be some kind of community support or some project or program at a local university that could give you some advice, guidance and support. I'm sorry I don't know much about New Zealand's social services to give you more specific advice. The best advice I can give is to not go at this alone, if you can help it. Try to seek out some kind of support, for both your friend and for you.

...and not matter what happens, your friend is lucky to have you and your help! Without you, who would be there for her?

[Petra]

Thanks for your replies, everyone. And sorry I haven't responded earlier, but I've been flat out and feeling a tad exhausted.

I've moved all Lyn's stuff into her garage so I can more thoroughly clean the place. Lyn was always very smart and proud and it's a surprise to find things being as dirty as they are. The kitchen alone is a nightmare! All the visible surfaces all looked clean, if a bit cluttered sometimes with old mags and newspapers, but when you start really poking around, the true biohazards begin to emerge. :eek:

Anyway, you've all given me much to think about - thank you - and I will call a family meeting when mum gets back from France the week after next. (Lyn gave us power of attorney some time ago, so we all need to discuss everything regarding what is in Lyn's best interests).


Thanks, guys. :)

[Petra]

We have a solution, and Mum has agreed. :)

She called me this morning from France to see how Lyn was, and so I took the opportunity to discuss with her an idea that me'n'Heidi had.

Heidi lives in the old family home, which she rents from Mum. (I lived there before I moved to Hamilton). A friend of Mum's rents the adjoining "granny flat", which is just lovely and easy to maintain. The friend that lives there is young, single and healthy, so we're going to give him about 6 weeks notice to vacate. Then Lyn can live in the granny flat, I will live in the attached house, and Heidi will move into Lyn's old place. As the house and adjoining flat are just around the corner from Lyn's place, Lyn will still be able to go on walks on her familiar route, and if she forgets she's moved and goes back to her old place, she will find someone there she knows. And I will be on hand 24/7 as I'm no more than a few metres away. The property is fenced and safe, and is sunny and easy care. Lyn has been familiar with the place since it was first built some 40 years ago, so the change should be quite easy for her. To give me a break from time to time, I can place her in day care one or two days a week, and when we go away she can stay a few days at a time in the rest home she is currently in.

She doesn't mind the rest home, but is always asking me when she is due to leave it and doesn't want to be there permanently at this stage. And as has been previously mentioned by baldbantam (and the staff at the home), if she doesn't want to be there indefinitely, we can't make her stay. For that we would need a court order to commit her, and we aren't prepared to do that. Certainly not yet, anyway. :)

All we have to do now is tell Andre - the current tenant in the flat - and as he also knows Lyn, I'm sure he'll understand.

I spoke to Lyn about it today - although I'm sure she has already forgotten that, as she doesn't even remember being in hospital last week - and although she wanted to return to her own place, I managed to convince her of why she must not live alone, but close to me - and after reminding her of what she'd just been through, she realised that the plan was a good one and agreed to it.

So all's well that end's well.

For now.

Hopefully.

:)

[Petra]

Bloody hell.

How quickly does this disease take hold? How rapid is the decline usually?


On Sunday night, Lyn came bursting into the lounge all panicked. When she saw me lying on the floor, she asked me why I was there (as in the house, not on the floor) and then said, "thank goodness you're here! I've just realised it's Monday tomorrow and I don't know where my work clothes are!"

I proceeded to tell her that she had been retired for a long time now, and she asked me if I was sure about that. She thought she had to go to work at the hotel she had worked at for years, but had retired from almost 20 years ago. She couldn't remember that she had spent almost a decade since then living and working part time at the farm, finally retiring from there about 3 - 4 years ago.

Everyday I remind her of what's happening - that we will be moving to Compton Street, and Heidi will be moving into her place and that Heidi is fixing her place. Everyday she starts off a bit confused, but in fairly good spirits and grateful as hell that we are looking out for her and that the arrangements as planned meet her approval and that she understands that it is for the best. But tonight she changed tack. She became really upset that she no longer has a car - she can't remember selling it back in about May or something - and she can't remember not being allowed to drive. She can't remember Compton Street, an address she's known very well for years, and she is adamant that she is to return to her own place because she does not feel that she is ready to live with a caregiver yet and then when she asked about how much we would have to pay to live in the new house, she got alarmed by my reply that she would not pay anything! She asked who owned the property (my mother) and who said there would be no rent (my mother again). When I said "my mother" she said "and who is your mother?" !!! When I told her, she suddenly went quiet and knocked on her head exasperated with a "how could I forget that!" And then we started over - "what's happening to my place, why can't I live there, I feel that I can still live on my own, who owns Compton Street, where is it, what rent must be paid, who said, why wasn't I consulted, I'm not ready I want to go home, who lives there now, why can't I go home tomorrow, who owns Compton Street, what rent must we pay, who is giving us this house for free (I'll have to pay rent, but Lyn won't), I thought all this time I was going back to my place, why wasn't I consulted, etc, etc". This went on for a couple of hours, and after exhausting her, I managed to calm her down and take her mind off it all by diverting her attention to something on tv. Half an hour later, you'd think it never happened, and she later went to bed peacefully and in a fairly relaxed mood.

And now I can't sleep. My mind is churning. The hardest thing was that she didn't know (at that particular time) who my mother was. My mother has only been her best friend for some 40 years. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Fuck that was sad. :(

I'm certain that things will be easier (I hope) when we get to Compton Street, because she knows it so well and will feel at home there. It's just extra difficult where we are now because it isn't a familiar suburb to her and our house at the moment is a bit too small for the 3 of us, and she doesn't have her own things around her.

God, I wish Andre would hurry up and find a place so we can move in there. He's been spoiled there, because it's such a lovely apartment and as a long time acquaintance of my mothers he's had cheap rent there, so he's really dragging it out!

Oh dear. I'm tired and I want to cry. :(

[vremya]

From what I've seen, which isn't authoritative by any means, people with Alzheimer's can have all kinds of disease progression. People have good days and bad days. Lyn forgot who your mom is today, but she may remember later. That's one of the things that makes Alzheimer's so nerve wracking. I think once she's settled in a place that's familiar to her, things will be better.

Hang in there - you're so good to care for her like this! Take each day as it comes. And make sure you take care of yourself too.

[livius drusus]

That's really rough, Pets. I'm sorry. :badday:

I understand mornings/afternoons are often better than evenings/nights for Alzheimer patients. It's called "sundowning", an agitated state they get into after the sun goes down. The Alzheimer's Association of Los Angeles: Sundowning (http://www.alzla.org/dementia/sundowning.html)

[Petra]

Thanks for the link, liv.

Lyn doesn't nap during the day, and she remains fairly active as she loves her walks and I take her on outings all the time to make sure she gets outdoors and does different things. We'll walk along the lakefront, or in the forest, or visit gardens and whathaveyou. But she definitely shadows me, and I can see that I need to turn house lights on earlier, and perhaps more of them to make sure she has adequate lighting. I will also find things for her to help me with in the evenings. I can see how that could help, as she likes to feel busy.

Thanks again for the link, liv. Very helpful. :)

[Petra]

Thanks, vremya. I know she will know exactly who mum is come the morning, but it really concerned me tonight. It was the first time - to my knowledge - that she'd forgotten my mother. Scary.

We just have to get through the next week or three, and then everything will settle down, I'm sure.

I never did use a gift voucher for the Polynesian Spa that my sister gave me for my birthday back in May. I will be using at the very first opportunity after the big move. Thank goodness I saved it up - I'll need it even more in about a month's time! :)

[Petra]

Billy Collins - Forgetfulness (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrEPJh14mcU).

Seemed kinda apropos.

[JoeP]

Bloody hell indeed. No wonder you want to cry.

:smilehug::cheerup::cheerhug:

[Watser?]

Wow, that sucks. I have no experience with this at all, my parents (and my grandparents too) were still doing very well mentally when they died. But I heard of this kind of thing before.

Sorry you have to go through all this Petra :cheerhug: :hug:

[Petra]

Liv, I know I've thanked you half a dozen times already, but that link you provided was just great! So thanks again, for the somethingth time. :)

The first night, she started up again, but I was able to nip it in the bud by getting her to help me with dinner and dishes. Something that up until this point I've always said "no, it's okay, Lyn - just relax" whenever she's asked if there's anything she can help me with. Her help is more of a hindrance than anything, but I'm going back to when Zoe was a wee child asking to help me and applying the same philosophy, which is: "just give her some jobs to do and let her help me, even if it really isn't much help at all and slows me down - don't worry about it, just have fun with it". It worked a treat, and I was able to avoid a difficult spot.

And tonight, when Lyn told me before bed that she would go home tomorrow, I just said, "that's ok, Lyn. Whenever you're ready" knowing that she will have forgotten in the morning and I can remind her about our plan of action when she is in a frame of mind that can more easily cope with those changes. Until now, I've always felt that I must try to 'keep her on track' a little bit, but now I realise that in the evenings it doesn't matter - let her confabulate whatever she wishes and go with it. Tomorrow is a new day.

And I'm turning on more lights earlier.


Eternally, gratefully yours, etc

:kiss: :bow:

[livius drusus]

I'm so happy, Pets. Anything that can help you and her cope in a practical, healthy way with the confusion and fear she's experiencing is a good thing for both your states of mind.

Perhaps once the moving is over you can find a local support group. As it says in the link, caregivers are an endless source of tips and ideas for coping with Alzheimers. Besides, I think it'll be good for you to have some time to yourself you can share with people who understand better than anyone what you're going through.

Keep us posted, please! :hug:

[Pinecone]

I'm so happy, Pets. Anything that can help you and her cope in a practical, healthy way with the confusion and fear she's experiencing is a good thing for both your states of mind.

Perhaps once the moving is over you can find a local support group. As it says in the link, caregivers are an endless source of tips and ideas for coping with Alzheimers. Besides, I think it'll be good for you to have some time to yourself you can share with people who understand better than anyone what you're going through.

Keep us posted, please! :hug:

Yeah that!!! :hug::hug: for BOTH of you!!!

[LadyShea]

Goodness Petra what a wonderful person you are, taking on the role of caretaker, and what great friends you have to agree to shuffling dwellings like that.

I think hearkening back to being the mother of a young child is a very good plan of action, very pragmatic. A young child forgets what you said within 5 minutes, and instructions and teachings must be repeated many times-over weeks and months- to be retained, and meltdowns/agitation are best handled with diversions and distractions...perhaps this is how she should be treated? Maybe get some DVDs, simple games and puzzles, writing tablets, etc. to divert her attention to when she is struggling. Take your cues from Zoes toddlerhood. If you need some reminding PM or email me as I am going through this with an almost 2 year old, ya know? I truly think there are many parallels.

I wonder if part of the reason many caretakers lose it is because they strain to maintain things as they were, rather than adjust to the person and situation as it actually is. For example forgetting your mom, really try not to take those things so hard within yourself. It's sad, but it is what it is. Caretakers are known to be vulnerable to depression and stress, so really try to maintain perspective (in that you understand you can only do what you can do to mitigate the situation, you can't "fix" it), take time for yourself and Zoe, and enlist -or at least accept- the help of whomever is willing to jump in.

As an aside, Alzheimers is the most horrible disease and I hope they find the cause and effective treatment soon. I would rather deal with a loved one having cancer I think.

[LadyShea]

Sorry I am sick of editing when I have new ideas so I am posting again. Some things I would consider trying:

1. When she is lucid, explain her illness to her. Have her write down or tape record her name, where she lives, names of friends, describe her illness to herself, memories she wants to retain, her life story etc. Perhaps reading or listening to her own words to herself can be beneficial. If nothing else you and your mom may end up with some kind of record of her life.

2. Offer her many small choices every day. Do you want to wear the red or the blue sweater? Do you want to watch movie A or movie B? Do you want to sit in the chair or on the sofa? Do you want water or tea with dinner? Shall we walk by the lake or in the woods? This may help her feel she has some level of control of her life.

[Petra]

Hey, thanks, guys. :)

Things got real busy, real quick, and my time to myself has been greatly reduced, and will lessen even more after the end of this week when summer school vacation starts.

We are almost organised, and Lyn is settling in to her new apartment very well.

It was touch and go there for a while as my sister wasn't ready to move, but I had a deadline on my place as I had given notice some weeks beforehand and new people were going to be taking over within a day or two of my departure. I'd already had Lyn in a home, so I had room to move for the last couple of weeks and Heidi's almost daily postponements meant that Lyn was getting ansty in the home after so long and starting to call everyone, and dad and Fiona were riding my ass about what was happening with her! (Their phone number is in the book, mine isn't. Uh-oh.)

Anyway, the day finally arrived when I was coming ready or not, and dad and I rented a truck and moved my shit. So the garage is piled up high, as my sister hadn't moved, her friend the builder was crashing there 'cos he was working so many hours at his job as a builder, and then doing the same hours all over again for my sister, and so he and his HUGE, young malamout/staffy cross were staying here, too. And I had to get Lyn. lol. So, anyway, Heidi slept in her bed, Lyn slept in the spare room on a spare bed, Zoe slept on an air mattress, Tony slept on a pull-out couch thing, and I slept on a mattress on the floor, amongst the spill-over-from-the-garage-chaos of two quickly moved households! We did that for two weeks. I fell off the wagon. Lyn was confused and lost and wandered the hall at night, shuffling her chain. It was really hard, and really fucking sad.

But we got through it! And after those weeks of stuff and chaos and mess and whathaveyou, I put Lyn back into the home for a couple of days after Heidi had moved out, and got stuck in. I made her place all nice and calm and sorted, and did a few things here, but not finished 'cos I'm still pottering at it - but at least I had a lovely home, with all Lyn's things put nicely into place, for Lyn to come back to. Since then, I've been catching up at my place, which presents it's own set of problems in that my mother doesn't want any of her things put into storage or sold or whatever, at all, so I have to get rid of most of my things - which is ok, I suppose, 'cos mum's things are much, much nicer than my things, but who knows how long this will last, and when I will again need to have my own things - like a couch and a bed and a fridge and shit. :shrug: We'll see, I guess.

In the meantime, as we get more organised and we now have a Xmas tree up, and things are becoming calmer, Lyn is settling in and appears to be happy. She has some rocky bits, bumps in the road, but she is otherwise fine and more and more her laugh is easy. So that's good, eh? :)

In the late afternoon/early evening, I pour her a gin and soda with lemon, lime and bitters, and we sit on the porch (lovely porch) and sip our gin by the xmas tree and discuss times gone by. She goes for her 2 to 3 walks a day, and loves it. She doesn't remember one thing from the next, and is - I think - moving into the next phase of her cruel disease, but she delights in the moment. Sometimes she thinks Lochie - my long haired, mostly white Jack Russell is her old white poodle, Bijou. I nearly cried what she came out one night because she had lost Bijou. And when she fretted because she couldn't remember buying Bijou any food, and what was he to eat. But thankfully, Lochie is a gentle dog and knows and loves Lyn as much as I do. He schmoozes up to her often and makes her smile. And she thinks he's great fun and just beautiful. She knows he's Lochie now, though, and that he's my dog, but for some reason she had a couple of weeks there where he was totally hers, and utterly Bijou. I didn't have the heart to tell Lochie, though, as despite his ladiesmanmadskillz, he's all boy, and would hate to be thought of as a toy poodle named Bijou! :laugh:

Anyway, we're getting there...

One day at a time, eh. :)

[Petra]

http://http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/gallery/showimage.php?i=3489&original=1&c=5

http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/gallery/showimage.php?i=3488&original=1&c=5

http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/gallery/showimage.php?i=3487&original=1&c=5



I don't know why those pics aren't showing up. Is it because they are in Miscellanea? :scratch:

[Seven of Nine]

It's a wonderful thing you're doing, Petra! :bow:

I say that because as soon as my father got an Alzheimer's misdiagnosis (I later observed him having mini-strokes), his brother and my brother panicked and put him in a nursing home against his will.
It was too institutional a milieu for him to make a good adjustment (he'd never even needed a short hospital stay in his long life), so he deteriorated very quickly mentally, and since he was no longer allowed to take his customary long walks, he rapidly deteriorated physically. Then he fell and broke his hip, so now he's in a wheelchair.

I still feel guilty as hell that I couldn't convince my uncle (who has his power-of-attorney) to let Dad come live with me for a few years until he really needed to be in a home. My aunt lives with my cousin even though she's nearly as senile as my dad now is, and, as a result, her quality of life is whole magnitudes higher than his.
Petra, IMO, you're doing the right thing. When she needs to be in a home, by all means arrange for it, but not before.

However, being her caregiver is stressful, and I can't emphasize too strongly that you must look out for yourself! You're going to have you give yourself more loving care than you may be accustomed to.
For instance, you may want to arrange for more home help. I'm disabled, so I have a home help aid who comes two-to-three times a week. She's great, I can rely on her, it's because of her that I can live on my own, and the fact that I have her is a great comfort to relatives who would otherwise worry about me (and with good reason).

I know how helpless you must sometimes feel because you can't halt her mental decline, so please trust me when I tell you that you are of inestimable help to her. I would have given anything to have been able to do for my father what you're doing for your friend.

I do have one small suggestion to offer:
Determine what kind of music with lyrics is most familiar to her, play it for her, and encourage her to sing along.
Because one hemisphere of the brain stores tunes and the lyrics to them, and the other also stores the lyrics, both hemispheres of our brains work together when we sing, which is a very good thing for those of us who have neurological problems. I play familiar songs and sing with them whenever I'm having a bad day neurologically. Usually, it significantly improves my functioning, and even when it doesn't, it's relaxing and fun, so it always improves my mood. :)

[Petra]

I do have one small suggestion to offer:
Determine what kind of music with lyrics is most familiar to her, play it for her, and encourage her to sing along.
Because one hemisphere of the brain stores tunes and the lyrics to them, and the other also stores the lyrics, both hemispheres of our brains work together when we sing, which is a very good thing for those of us who have neurological problems. I play familiar songs and sing with them whenever I'm having a bad day neurologically. Usually, it significantly improves my functioning, and even when it doesn't, it's relaxing and fun, so it always improves my mood. :)

Ha! I played a xmassy cd when taking Lyn out to the farm last weekend, and she expressed that she loved Frank Sinatra's I'll Be Home For Xmas song when it came on. And she loves hearing Billie Holiday and Mahalia Jackson and Ray Charles on my porch at G&T o'clock. I'd make her a cd, but her ability to manage tools and technology designed later that 1985, at this point, are limited.

We're getting there, though... :)

[Seven of Nine]

Ha! I played a xmassy cd when taking Lyn out to the farm last weekend, and she expressed that she loved Frank Sinatra's I'll Be Home For Xmas song when it came on. And she loves hearing Billie Holiday and Mahalia Jackson and Ray Charles on my porch at G&T o'clock. I'd make her a cd, but her ability to manage tools and technology designed later that 1985, at this point, are limited.

We're getting there, though... :)

Of course you're already playing her her favorite music, O Brilliant One. I should have known.
Perhaps you could rustle up a boombox or something which records and plays cassette tapes, as well as playing CDs? Do they still make those? I bought one in the late 90s...

[Petra]

Of course you're already playing her her favorite music, O Brilliant One. I should have known.

:laugh:

Luckily I like old toons. Lyn isn't a huge music listener, but I am, so she has little choice when she's at my place. Heh, I just try to avoid the likes of Tool or whatever when she's around, and stick to things that won't offend or addle her delicate mind. :cool:

Perhaps you could rustle up a boombox or something which records and plays cassette tapes, as well as playing CDs? Do they still make those? I bought one in the late 90s...

Yup, she has one of those - a three in one setup - but it's always set onto talkback radio. It's bloody awful. :eek:

[biochemgirl]

Yes, I have to echo the sentiment, please take care of yourself too. Alzheimer's is all too hard on the loved ones that are effected by it. Enjoy the time that you have with her, especially where she is still aware of who you guys are. My grandma died in Oct, her Alzheimer's had progressed very rapidly during her last two months. The last time I went to see her she didn't have any clue who I was and almost got violent with me. I hate that that is what now sticks out in my mind. All I'm trying to say is it's a very noble thing you are doing, but also don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it also.

:huggle:

[Prince Vegita]

The best advice I've heard regarding taking care of an AD patient is to learn to love who they are now, because they're not the same person you used to know. That's not true all at once, but it is increasingly true over time. And the unfortunate consequence of the disease is they really only live "in the moment", so who they are right now is all you have to work with. They may remember something from their college years one day. They may not the next, or ever again. Eventually, they place labels from their distant past on what's around them as a means to get by, as you've already seen, but they forget the experiences that shaped their lives. They forget who they are.

You did the right thing with the move. At some point, an AD patient becomes a danger to themselves and those around them (e.g. when my grandmother left the stove burner on full blast and went for a walk). You may have to consider a home someday. Don't feel bad; the person she was would understand. The person she is now, however, might need the more intensive care.

[Petra]

I think I'm starting to fall apart. I'm tired and depressed and in real need of a break.

Please, no one say "I told you so". I'm just, you know, getting it out an' that.

* Petra primal screams

*sigh*

[Dingfod]

Hugs?

[Petra]

Yeah, I'll take hugs. :)

[Dingfod]

:hug:

[Petra]

Thank you, Dingdarling. :hug:

[lisarea]

Hugs from me too, Petra.

[livius drusus]

Still no time off, Pets? What happened to the plan where she spends a day a week in the facility? How about your sister or mother stepping in to help once a week?

:badday:

[Petra]

Thanks, Lisa.

She's so completely lost without me now, and I'm in desperate need of a lively party with some young people or something. Last night out was January 2nd, when I got to see Supergroove play at Mt. Maunganui. I rocked out hard in the moshpit - like it was my last day on Earth :laugh:. I need another one o'them kinda nights.

Oh, where did all the young people go? :sadcheer:

[Petra]

Still no time off, Pets? What happened to the plan where she spends a day a week in the facility? How about your sister or mother stepping in to help once a week?

:badday:

My sister is in pain with kidney stones - she gets 'em bad - and my mum is in Europe.

And both work fulltime and have busy lives.

I'm on my own, kiddo.

[Doctor X]

Very late on this. Not much to add other than all of your feelings are natural. Me Mum went through the same thing with her Mum . . . who went through the same thing with her Mum!

So, in lieu of anything practical you have not already heard:

http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/consoling1.gif

--J.D.

[Pinecone]

:hug:

[vremya]

Hugs from me too. :hug:

Can you get an agency to help you out with some respite care? Even for an hour or two?

[livius drusus]

:yeahthat: Is there an Alzheimers society or support group anywhere in your area? Someone's gotta have some resources to help you.

[Stormlight]

:cheerhug:

[Petra]

Thanks, guys.

There is some respite care - day care for one day a week, from about 9ish to about 3ish. We're on a waiting list for it, and she should be able to start after an agent from Support Net comes to give her an in-home assessment. I received a letter this morning with an assessment appointment for March 5th.

Sometime soon, though, I'm going to have to put her in care for 2 or 3 days, just so I can run away for a bit and go see friends out of town to kill the stir crazy I'm suffering from.

On the upside, I saw WINZ this morning and they are happy to pay for me to do a correspondence course in Photography, 'cos I told them that if I do this now, then when Lyn dies I will be able to pursue a career in product and advertising photography. They were quite happy with that, and so have paid my course fees. Yay for socialism!!! :D

As for Lyn, she no longer knows the different coins of our currency, and has reverted back to pounds and shillings. And she needs me to make every decision for her, no matter how small - what she should wear, when she should get showered and dressed, and gets very panicky sometimes. But at least she no longer is concerned about returning to her own home anymore. It's been a couple of weeks now since I last had to explain to her why she can't go home. Whew!

We'll push on through.


Thanks for the support. :)

[Leesifer]

Petra, congratulations on the photography course!

Oh, and please, please, use the respite care as soon as you can.

I found out about respite care very late in the day - and it would've helped me a lot more had I know about it sooner.

:squeezle:

[Pendaric]

Get her in for that 3 days sooner rather than later - and see what plans you can make for it to be a regular thing.

If this is liable to be at all long term then it isn't viable for you to be the only one shouldering the burden 24/7. It's hard enough for an extended family to cope with, never mind one person by themselves.

I know you want to give her as high a quality of life as possible, but just bear in mind that you are living at the same time, and you need some quality in your life as well.

This may sound cruel, but realistically, how long is she likely to live? If this is a medium to long term situation then it sounds like you have to maybe start getting organised to lighten your burden.

You are knackered after 4 months in. If this is liable to go on for the next 10 years then you have to be realistic about how much weight you can carry on your shoulders.

I don't know how it works in NZ, but what we found in the UK is that social services were quite happy to leave us to it whilst the family was trying to look after her. They wouldn't consider nursing homes whilst they had the option of us doing the running around, and it was only when we told them that we had had enough and we weren't prepared to do it anymore that we could get wheels in motion. This was obviously a bluff on our part - we wouldn't have left my grandmother to fend for herself - but it was the only way to get them to give us any meaningful help.

Sometimes, loads are too heavy for one person, and Alzheimer's is a heavy load in and of itself. No shame whatsoever if you decide you can't handle it any more.

My grandmother lost any sense of who was related to who. She knew she knew us all, but didn't have any accurate concept of the relationships. She thought that her son was her husband, and she was always yelling at him that he was being unfaithful to her when he went home to his wife - not pleasant at all, as you can imagine.

You have all my sympathies.

[Petra]

That's the thing, eh. When you say you will bear the responsibility in the very near future, everyone tells you how much help you will get. And then when you are actually bearing that responsibility, no one else can be found. Sly buggas.

I think one of the big things that gets me down, is the fact that when we go into town or somewhere - and she comes everywhere with me - she always makes snide comments about people. "OMG, look at her hair!", "omg, look at the food on <person sitting a couple of tables away> plate - how can they eat that!", "omg, would you look at that skirt, isn't it awful", etc. I just want to scream at her that I couldn't give a flying fuck about what is on other people's plates, or what hairstyle they have or what they are wearing or what the frikkin' neighbours are or are not doing - just say something interesting, for fuck's sake! That's what drives me nuts the most, I think. :dynamite:

Can you tell I've just been through that crap not half an hour ago? Yes, yes you can, can't you.


Sounds like some of you have been there, done that, too. It's like life's final cruel joke, eh?

On the upside, I watched a couple of Monarch butterflies hatch from their chrysaliseseses this afternoon, and caught it all on camera. I'll post a few pics later tonight after I've got the ol' girl into bed and spent a bit of time sorting them, etc. That was really wonderful to watch. Magic, even. :)

[Pendaric]

It's probably more a case of cabin fever than her actual conversation being objectionable. If she goes everywhere with you then you aren't getting chance to get away from it.

You could probably handle those conversations 3 times as well if you were only having them half of them rather than having them non-stop.


The respite care will be good when it comes, and you never know, if you are the only one you might be able to push for more than one day a week.

[Petra]

Yeah, you're probably right about the conversation driving me nuts because it's all the time, with little variety or real mental stimulation. I'll see how we get on for the first month with one day a week - it'll give her time to get used to it, too - and then I'll push for more. Definitely.

:)

[Petra]

The trials and tribulations of trying to get a vacation of some sort:

Christmas and New Year - all it's lead-ups, the actually events, and the aftermath - took it's toll on me. Lyn was constantly beside herself as to whether or not any given day was Christmas day or not, and panicked about whether she had bought anyone gifts and how embarrassed she was about receiving gifts - even though I assured her that she had bought gifts and that they were well received/ would be well received/ insert appropriate soothing something here.

Day care was closed over that period and so the madness was all day, every day, without respite.

At the end of the period, I found myself crying at every moment no one was looking, and unable to look at Lyn when I calmly answered the exact same question I answered not 5 minutes ago, and not 5 minutes ago before that, and not five minutes prior....you get the picture...


So I decided I need a vacation -just me'n'Zoe - and we need to take it before the summer school vacation ends - on a beach, having summer fun, complete with some lively, youthful spontaneity. :) My mum agreed with me, and generously bought Zoe and me 5 days getaway at Waiheke Island next week. I can't wait! :D

Right then, sorted! you'd think. But not so fast. Lyn is a wanderer and it was very, very hard tyo place her anywhere because of that. I tried to have her placed in a secure unit with the establishment she currently enjoys day care at (and she does enjoy the day care, btw), but they needed a psycho geriatrician to sign off on her being in a secure unit, so after many attempts at organising this with a psycho-geriatrician at the hospital, I finally just went up there and refused to leave until he would speak to me. Success a last! Or not. :sadcheer:

He decided after meeting with Lyn for half an hour that she was too high functioning to placed in the secuere wing and so would not sign off on such an authority. And so her booking was cancelled and she was not allowed to book into a non-secure wing, because they already know her to be a wanderer and a challenge on staff resources to keep her from absconding on one of her 'walks'.

I phoned around, and finally manged to book her into a nice place by leaving out information. I need this damned vacation. I'm not joking. I NEEED this vacation!

And Lyn agreed with me in her more lucid moments that Zoe and I deserve to have a lovely few days away to enjoy the end of the summer school vacation. She understood that she needed to be in care during that time, etc, etc. So I dropped her off this mo0rning, got her comfortable and introduced to 'locals' and settled into a welcoming tour of the place. All good. :)

At 3pm, I felt great - I didn't have to collect Lyn from day care, and she wasn't here for me to tend to. Zoe and me and the dog whipped off all carefree to the Blue Lake for a late afternoon splash and a game of frisbee. Good fun. :)

Got home, ands all hell had broken loose - Lyn was no where to be found, the police were out looking for her, she was not settling, wanted to go home too her own place, drama, drama, drama - and now several hours later I've been talking to the same geriatrician that denied me secure unit care as he battles whether to sedate her or not because I'm refusing to cancel my vacation to come and get her before I'm due to on the 1st February. In the meantime, I feel like the big bad meanie relative (I'm not even a relative!) who'd just dumped gran (she's not even my mum or my gran!) in care against her will for ever and ever.

I feel like fucking shit. But I'm having this holiday. Me and Zoe are going kayaking and swimming and sunbathing and mountain biking and vinyarding and snorkelling and laughing and relaxing and doing whatever we want when we want to do it. For a few days anyway. :)


Thanks for letting me sound off a bit. Even under such disjointed, tired, boring conditions. Bless ya, an' all that. :)

[Clutch Munny]

Hard, hard road, Petra. :hug: Anyone who's seen Alzheimer's up close knows the toll it takes on caregivers and loved ones. Staying mentally healthy yourself requires active effort -- don't feel guilty for making that effort! Not only is it perfectly reasonable for your own sake, but Zoe doesn't need you broken down either!

Enjoy your vacation as best you can. Kick that doctor in the balls when you get back.

[biochemgirl]

:yeahthat: I saw the toll it took on my dad when my grandma went through that. You definitely need this vacation to recharge and nothing should get in the way of you taking it.

[Leesifer]

Definitely! You need this holiday - both of you. Sounds like you both need to spend some time relaxing.

I know how frustrating it is trying to get social services to actually step in and help so don't feel guilty. You deserve this break.

[livius drusus]

I don't understand why her being relatively "high functioning" would keep her out of the secure facility. Surely the whole point of a secure facility is to keep patients enclosed in a safe area. Why is there an additional requirement on top of a known propensity to go on walkabout?

Anyway, you're a great caregiver and have nothing at all to reproach yourself for. Enjoy a very well-deserved vacation. :hammock:

[LadyShea]

You have nothing to feel regretful about Petra. The medical establishment knows the toll taken on caregivers, and you shouldn't have had to fight for a week at the beach at all.

Enjoy yourself and know you are doing more than any non relative I have ever heard of in my life.

[Clutch Munny]

I don't understand why her being relatively "high functioning" would keep her out of the secure facility. Surely the whole point of a secure facility is to keep patients enclosed in a safe area. Why is there an additional requirement on top of a known propensity to go on walkabout?

In the doctor's defense, a facility for lower-functioning dementia patients can be limiting, constricted, and have an atmosphere that higher-functioning patients find distressing (could be lots of screaming noise, particularly institutionalized food delivery, less opportunity for outdoor time, &c). I don't say that any one or all of these characterizes the facility in question, but it's a reasonable worry that prematurely committing a patient to such a facility would cause them to suffer and would fail to respect their dignity.

In this case, whatever the facts about the facility in question, it just seems unfortunate that the doctor wouldn't take into account the short duration of the stay, and then wouldn't act to help find another solution right away.

[Petra]

Thanks for your support, guys. :)

We had lunch in town with mum yesterday, and she told me that she had been speaking with our GP (who is also Lyn's GP). He has tried before to get mum to see that Lyn should be in care and not living with me and Zoe because it's not healthy for us to be living that way. He was not happy with the psycho geriatrician's view, as he knows Lyn well and knows that she can present very well in short appointments, making me look a bit hyperbolic in my descriptions of her disease progress. Mum told me he will be writing a letter to social services to see what can be done. So that's good - it was the first time I've seen mum be aware of the impact Lyn has on us. So hopefully, it won't be another year before I get the next break for a few days, and hopefully Lyn will be in permanent care by next New Year.

On a good note, Zoe and I scooted off to the beach after lunch, and we caught up with some old friends at Papamoa, ate fresh fish'n'chips for dinner on the water's edge and didn't get back home again until nearly midnight! I woz out after dark and it woz orsum!!!! :cool:

Oh, and now I got my stereo playing quite loud. Nike Cave's Dig! Lazarus! Dig!. I'd forgotten what good crack stereos and loudish yoof music were. :D

2 more days to Waiheke!!! :eager:

[Petra]

In the doctor's defense, a facility for lower-functioning dementia patients can be limiting, constricted, and have an atmosphere that higher-functioning patients find distressing (could be lots of screaming noise, particularly institutionalized food delivery, less opportunity for outdoor time, &c). I don't say that any one or all of these characterizes the facility in question, but it's a reasonable worry that prematurely committing a patient to such a facility would cause them to suffer and would fail to respect their dignity.

Yup, that's the one. Secure units can have some aggressive, loud people who would perhaps frighten Lyn (she can be a nervous wee sparrow). Where she's currently at, though, the secure wing is quite quiet and calm and actually very nice, with easy access to a large garden area. And just in general, denying someone their freedom is not done lightly - even when it's obvious that safety issues are at stake.

[Pinecone]

Have fun Petra!! You go girl!! :bgirl:

[Petra]

I had a truly wonderful holiday and will post some pics in a few days or so.


But I'm home now, and was supposed to collect Lyn at 6pm. I called the home on my cell phone and pretended I was held up in Hamilton and could I collect her tomorrow instead. My gut is in knots thinking about it. I just can't do this anymore. Now that I'm back, I'm crying and can't sleep. Suicidal thoughts and depression are creeping back in and I can no longer handle it.

Our vacation was truly wonderful. We were relaxed and happy, we communicated with each other well - played games, laughed, went out and socialised, caught up with some old friends - normal life stuff. And now that I've had a taste of life again, I can't go back. I want gainful employment, I want friends and colleagues again, I want my life back.

And when I called the rest home, they made me feel like fucking shit. Told me I had to have a meeting with them after dropping Zoe off at school tomorrow (first day back for the new year), because I didn't tell them the whole truth about how bad Lyn was. Yet, if I had, I would never have got my vacation.

Oh, god. I feel lost and have no idea what is in store for the future. I feel like I can't plan or do anything for Zoe or myself. Like being in limbo, I guess.

I dread tomorrow. My guts is in knots. Please don't say "I told you so". I know I should have listened, but you've no idea of the pressure I was under to take this on. I was getting it from all sides and I yielded and tried to make the most of it and keep a positive mental attitude about it and try to please everyone by doing "the right thing". But I can't anymore. I just can't. :sad:

[biochemgirl]

Oh Petra, I don't really know what to say but my heart goes out to you. It's not an easy situation at all and I just want you to know you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling this way.

I am glad you had a good time on your much deserved vacation though. I can't wait to see some pics!

[Pinecone]

:hug:

[vremya]

:cheerhug:

[yguy]

But I can't anymore. I just can't. :sad:There is no government run nursing home you can deliver her to permanently?

[Leesifer]

Petra, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's hard but you are going to have to be tough and, if you can, refuse to take her back full time. If the care home want to have a meeting with you about how bad she is then it's obvious that one person cannot do this on their own.

It's easier said than done but you really have nothing to feel guilty for if you take a tough stance with the authorities. Even tell them that you are having suicidal thoughts and, maybe threaten them with going to the press or something.

You have done a brilliant job but it's time for someone else to take over now. You have to think of yourself and Zoe too!

:hug:

[curses]

Oh Pets :hug: I think I agree with Lees on all parts, though.

[JoeP]

:hug:

If the care home want to have a meeting with you about how bad she is then it's obvious that one person cannot do this on their own.
Exactly.

[JoeP]

:shakedoublepost:

[inland wave]

Oh Pets :hug: I think I agree with Lees on all parts, though.

:yeahthat:
Take a deep breath, things will work out for the best.:hug:

[Dingfod]

Petra, from what you've said here before Lyn is not even your relative. Let Lyn's relatives take care of her, and if not them, the government. She's not your responsibility.

[Crumb]

Listen to the skunk, she is wise.

:huggle:

[wildernesse]

Petra,

You have done a good thing by taking care of Lyn for more than a year. It is more than many friends and family would do. It is enough. For anyone who says otherwise, ask them where they have been in the last year +.

I can't imagine how difficult this situation is for you, but you have done your part and more than that. It is someone else's turn now.

:huggle:

[Petra]

Thank you, guys.

I started the day with a major meltdown. Sobs from way down in my gut and hyperventilating and vomiting, I got myself that worked up, and couldn't face Lyn, though I did face the rest home. And it's over now. The clinical manager is putting through an emergency assessment for Lyn to be placed permanently in the home. I still need to do some things to tie up loose ends, but she is not with me - she is in proper care (and giving them all a run for their money during her agitated sundowning time each day).

I feel emotionally exhausted and it's been a hell of a day. But it's over, and I'm relieved. I shall never speak of this time again, I promise.

Thank you for helping me get through it. I can now look forward to a new dawn - groundhog day is done.

And now I must go sleep.

:)

[JoeP]

*relief*
*applauds*
*hugs*

[LadyShea]

I am glad the clinic is doing the assessment and Lyn can receive good care...but not by you.

Giving up your life for hers never should have been on the table, and your being suicidal and vomiting from stress just proves it. Lyn may not like professional care, but obviously needs it, and is not in a position to understand her own impact on your lives.

Before Alzheimers, was she the type that would have wanted to be a burden on you and cause you this much pain? If not, then you are honoring who she was when she was herself...ya know? That's a good thing. I hope anyone who knows me does that for me if I become incapacitated.

Take care of you lovely lady.

[vremya]

:hug:

I'm so glad Lyn is going to get the care she needs, and you're going to have your life back. (You really had me worried, for a bit).

[Leesifer]

That is good news, Petra.
:unglomp:

[yguy]

I know I should have listened, Yes, but not so much to any particular person or persons.but you've no idea of the pressure I was under to take this on. I was getting it from all sides and I yieldedAt least now you have a little space to reflect on why you did that.

[LadyShea]

I know I should have listened, but you've no idea of the pressure I was under to take this on. I was getting it from all sides and I yielded and tried to make the most of it and keep a positive mental attitude about it and try to please everyone by doing "the right thing"

Pressure from whom? How on Earth were you the one chosen for this unbelievably burdensome responsibility? I would have a chit chat with "all sides". Sounds to me like multiple people were passing the buck.

[wei yau]

Alls I can say is I'm glad for you, Petra.

[mickthinks]

John Suchet understands. BBC NEWS | Gone from 'a lover to a carer' (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7893483.stm)

I promised myself after the diagnosis, 'Right, John, you will be an understanding husband - you will love and cherish your wife'. Life isn't that simple.