Craigslist

[D. Scarlatti]

For shits and giggles, I put a "casual encounters" ad on craigslist, and I just got what appears to be a serious reply, visiting from out of state on business, etc. Now what am I gonna do.

[cappuccino]

Just ask the person for the nude pictures then take them and run.

Unless he* turns out to be somebody you're interested in, then might as go for it. Can't hurt to strike up a conversation with him, you can always change your mind later.

<font size=1>* he in the neutral sense. Since in fact I have no idea what your actual gender and orientation is.</font>

[D. Scarlatti]

I hope it's not a he. It's a real person, though. I found her email address in some business listing thing.

[cappuccino]

Duh, I just remembered who you are. I'm still not used to your new name. :P

[D. Scarlatti]

Never mind, I found her picture. Yarrrggh.

[viscousmemories]

lol

[Qingdai]

Is "Yarg" good, bad or she's a pirate?

[But]

You can always edit the face out of the nude shots.

[Dingfod]

Or put a bag over her head if you decide to hook up.

[Kyuss Apollo]

Ans ply yourself with enormous amounts of alcohol.

[D. Scarlatti]

Yeah I don't know if there is that much beer. Although she did send me another pic that's marginally less yarrrggh-worthy.

[D. Scarlatti]

Speaking of craigslist:

You put a bra on my car. (Brady & Prospect)

Somewhere between 10pm on Saturday and 11am on Sunday you put a bra on my car. Not only that, you hooked one strap to my wipers and the other to my side mirror. Thanks.

Me: Beginning to back out of my parking space as I see black fabric on my windshield. Getting out, looking, trying to free the fabric...what? It's stuck? It's HOOKED? A BRA?!

After freeing the nasty thing from my car, I thought of two things:

1. Why the fuck did you choose my car? Black bra...black car? Is that how I got to be so lucky?

2. Would it have been funnier to you to know a female owned the car on which you placed the bra? Were you going for accuracy with the insultingly small size of the bra? (Sorry, I'm 2 cups bigger than the gift you left me...but cute try.)

So to whomever the fuck hooked a nasty ass bra to my car: Fuck you.

Haha.

[Dingfod]

I just spotted this one last night on a Craigslist: Women Seeking Men [somewhere]:

Everyone is searching for honesty....well search no further - 43

Short fat broad with atrocious habits, (smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish)

Blonde with blue eyes. Bears a striking resemblance to Mi Mi from the Drew Carry show.

Hoping to meet fit man with loads of money, and no vices.

Your picture will get you mine.

[curses]

I love Craigsslist. Anyone ever peruse the Best of list?

Open Letter to the Roaches in My Apartment
Date: 2007-09-23, 2:08PM EDT


Good afternoon, you scuttling bastards.

I tried to be reasonable with you. At first, we had a stable relationship. I knew you were there, and every now and then I'd see one of you, but in general you kept quiet and had the good sense to scurry for hiding when I turned the lights on. One of you periodically stepped out of line, and had to be squashed, and then everything went back to normal. If you had just continued in that manner, we could have lived this entire year in peaceful coexistence.

But no, you had to get greedy. I began to see you more frequently, and in larger numbers. Your lights-on scurry grew slower and slower and became more of a relaxed trot, then a walk. Eventually, you had the audacity to sit right where you were and shake your head feelers at me. You had gone too far. It was time for war.

I began periodic sweeps of the apartment, armed with paper towels, and squashed anything that moved. I removed every possible food source from anywhere you might be able to reach it, even adding extra layers of wrapping to items in the fridge, just in case one of you somehow managed to make it inside. A couple of times, I even turned the lights off and stood motionless for five minutes, then flicked them back on and rained horrible death upon whichever of you had been lured out. I really thought this would have been enough to make my point.

However, you continued to defy all logic and reasoning, and to multiply and grow bolder. Three of you ran across my foot once; I killed two, but left one alive (but severely maimed) to tell the tale... clearly, you were beginning to affect my sanity, and I needed to up the ante in order to regain the upper hand in the battle for control of my apartment. So, I added the roach spray to my arsenal. This had little effect and made my apartment smell extremely questionable; I guess you vermin won that round.

I notified the management company, who has always been very responsive to any problem I have had with the place. There was some vague talk of fumigating or spraying or some other unspecified pest removal solution; somehow it kept falling through the cracks, and nothing ever happened. Well, I'm not sure who you bribed or threatened for that little stunt, but it was time to show you little 6-legged thugs that I wasn't afraid of you, no matter what kind of "connections" you had.

I had no alternative, I had to buy the roach poison traps. The way these are supposed to work is this - the cockroach smells the tasty poison/food, wanders into the trap, eats, returns to his/her hiding place, and then dies. The practical result is that they should appear to vanish from your home like magic. However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.

The destruction was horrific. Some of your dead were being carried off by those who survived, almost like soldiers dragging the wounded into foxholes. Many of you were still twitching, apparently writhing in agony from the effects of the poison. The ravages of war are never pretty, and being a gentle person, part of me felt a little bit of remorse.

But now you know that it is, as they say, "on", and I'll push you fuckers all the way back to apartment 601 if I have to...


Sincerely,
Fellow Apartment Dweller/Agent of your Doom

[SharonDee]

However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.
:yuck:

:lol:

:yuck:

:lol:

[Aerik]

What are you gonna do? I'll tell ya. You buy all the condoms and body wash you can afford.

[D. Scarlatti]

I don't know. She's emailed me a few times, including with her cell number.

Friday night, she's suggesting. Decisions, decisions.

[ms_ann_thrope]

It's a casual encounter. If you don't have an SO, go for it. Why don't you use it as an opportunity to visit a restaurant or bar that you've been interested in trying? That way, even if the date is horrible, you will have gotten to cross something off your "I've been wanting to check it out" list.

[D. Scarlatti]

But I'd have to clean my apartment.

[beyelzu]

nah, if she isnt that hot fuck it, just slide the shit off the bed before you throw her on it

[D. Scarlatti]

throw her on [the bed]

What if I need a come-along and some fiber slings.

[viscousmemories]

I'm surprised your answer wasn't "what bed?"

[ms_ann_thrope]

What if I need a come-along and some fiber slings.What are a "come-along" and "fiber slings"? :whatthe:

[ShottleBop]

What if I need a come-along and some fiber slings.What are a "come-along" and "fiber slings"? :whatthe:

Think: "If I needed to lift a piano . . .." (http://www.nextag.com/come-along-tool/search-html).

[ms_ann_thrope]

:laugh: Thank you, ShottleBop!

[D. Scarlatti]

Know what I'm sayin'.

[TomJoe]

Know what I'm sayin'.
The good 'ol days are never really as good as they seemed at the time.

[livius drusus]

A great rant for anyone who's known the joy of public transit (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/390658591.html).

-Jerk that leans over you to look at the subway map: OK, your ball sac is 2 inches from my face. You don't care do you? Even though you've traumatized me and I lean back in my seat to shy far far away from your jewels, you lean in closer to get a better look at where to transfer from the E to the D train! Yuk man, have some manners. This is worse when you are sleeping with your head in your hands and wake to find a pants slacks covered man bulge in your grill.

:laugh:

[D. Scarlatti]

Beer bellies, mullets, etc., will not be considered.

Help me write another ad.

[Chris Porter]

Beer bellies, mullets, etc., will not be considered.

Help me write another ad.

"Looking for casual sex encounters with non-fugly women. Will not pay for services, meals, or hotel room. I require exacting standards-you will not be fat, ugly, wear hideous clothing, nor have hairstyles popular with the lower class."

HTH

[D. Scarlatti]

nor have hairstyles popular with the lower class.

Haha. I may use that.

[Chris Porter]

And by-the-by, my "helpful" post is a near perfect example of passive-aggressive posting. And scarlatti's is a near perfect catch-and-defuse.

For those looking for good examples of these things.

[D. Scarlatti]

If evolution is explainable then how come people who lost or were born without arms or legs do not grow or regrow new limbs? - some craigslist genius

[viscousmemories]

Oh yeah, what about Claire on Heroes? I saw her toe regrow right before my eyes.

But that's irrelevant anyway. Evolution is about monkey buttsex, not cellular regeneration.

:monkeybuttsex: