Changes

[xyza]

Not really expecting answers, just need to say this out loud so to speak.

I broke up with my long term partner over a month ago now, up until September we were going to buy a house together.

The break up was my choice and it is for the best for so many reasons, we were both to blame for the break down of the relationship and we both agree on that.

For some reason I'm really missing him now. We've totally cut each other off and it's almost like he's dead but still on the end of the phone if I were to call.

Now here's the bit where everyone says I'm on the rebound ... I have a "coffee mate" as my friend calls him, I love being with him, we've known each other for a long time and when I'm not working I'm at his with my clothes and things already living at his.

I'm starting to wonder if I've really messed up or if it's just getting used to the change of lifestyle and the fact that the "coffee mate" is beginning to be a little more than just a "coffee mate".

[cappuccino]

I know you're not expecting answers or anything...personally, if I were in your shoes, I would be taking a step back and asking where I was going and what I was doing?

I understand how easy it is to crave company and intimacy especially after a break-up with a long-term partner but the question is, do you want to enter another relationship so soon after the break-up?

My feeling is that there's nothing wrong with meeting somebody and having some excitement as long as one fully understand that it's just that, as part the process of getting over the significant other.

[Ari]

I agree with Cap.
My experience after getting out of a long relationship was that once rebounding gets out of your system you might consider taking some time to be single. I did and I think it's made all the difference with my new relationship.

[xyza]

I don't think I am on the rebound, my coffee mate is someone who I have been attracted to since we first met, we just kept things professional for all this time because I was in a relationship.

Also with what is happening now there's no pressure on me, I'm having to readjust, he points out when I'm behaving like the controlled woman (an aspect of me he's not used to) and he leaves me to do my own thing.

It's the things like ... I was just watching a rerun of Dr Who, and the face of Bow was in it, now in the last series there was the idea dropped on us that the face of Bow was Captain Jack. At the end of this episode that I just watched Bow teleported out like Jack could do with his wrist thing.

Stupid as it sounds me and the ex would've been able to talk about that.

So you see it's the silly little things I'm starting to miss.

[Ari]

The person may not be a rebound but the feelings often are. Trying to capture the old feelings of things you miss. Oh and you will think "I'm not on the rebound" and then look back and say "Wow I was totally on the rebound" at least I did. There is nothing wrong with it, but for me it has been good to space things so the new relationship is actually new and not an attempt to recapture the old.

[xyza]

Totally not trying to recapture the old wouldn't have got out of it if I wanted that. There's just some of the good bits I now think about more, just having to remind myself the bad bits are bad.

What you know is nice, safe and comfortable, this is so different it's scary (not in a bad way). We're talking about two different generations and two different cultures let alone all the normal stuff.

I should say that neither of us are under any illusion it will be long term, we went into it agreeing (maybe stupidly, maybe not) that it wouldn't harm our friendship.