Can anyone cheer me up?

[Ex-zombie]

I am feeling particularly down today.

Here is my sad story. My oldest daughter got married at the end of October and moved to another state with her new husband. She is very much in love and I am very happy for her. However I had never been separated from her for more than a week. I find I am missing her horribly. :(

My oldest daughter was the firecracker in our small family. She was the most outgoing member and our house was always crowded with her friends and her doings. Don't get me wrong. I am also crazy about my younger daughter. My youngest though is quiet and reserved. My house is now too quiet.

So I'm looking to be cheered up. Tell me a joke, a crazy story, or tell about your kids or pets. Anyone?


:kickscan:

[Dingfod]

What did the blow dryer say to the vacuum sweeper?

You suck.

What was the vacuum cleaner's reply?

You suck too. [It wasn't very quick witted.]

[Dingfod]

Kes, aka Kester the Molester, a 3 year old Border Collie has complete run of the place, all five acres and a quarter mile up and down our road. That girl can run and run all day. I've clocked her at 30 mph on my motorcycle. If you go slow enough, she'll run with you for at least a half mile. There always being a yin to the yang, Kes makes a lousy watchdog because she sleeps so soundly you'd have to poke her hard to wake up. It's like she is either a bundle of boundless energy or dead tired, never inbetween.

On her return trips from these chases Kes feels obligated to brings something back home. She has returned with numerous shoes, always one. People must be leaving them in their yard or at the very least on their porch. I've gone to the nearby neighbors to see if they lost any shoes and if they have they don't admit to it. So, I hang the shoes on the fence out by the road in case someone driving by notices their shoe dangling in the wind. Only a few have been claimed. Kes has brought home a half dozen balls, including a basketball. Three of these balls were Nerf footballs, easy to see how she would carry one of those, but a fully inflated basketball? How she got it home, we'll never know.

Kes thinks it is her job to round something up too. Whether we walk out the front door or driving into the yard, Kes jumps up and circles the yard as fast as she can go, barking the whole way. This is totally unlike our other dog, the little house dog, Peaches, who runs straight toward us, flag tail waving in the wind. No, Kes wants to scare something up to chase toward us, but almost never succeeds.

I've seen evolution at work first hand. Kes has culled all of the slow squirrels around our property. The only ones that have survived are too fast and too wiley for her to catch and they bred young squirrels that have the same characteristics. She hasn't caught one in at least a year.

Kes doesn't really visciously kill the squirrels, she just catches them, tosses them in the air over and over again until they give up and die. One time we were driving up the driveway we saw a squirrel run across the yard with Kes hot on it's tail. The squirrel tried to run right through the chainlink fence, but Kes caught it by the tail, yanked it back through and threw it up in the air. It would run a little way, she would catch it by the tail and throw it up again. She repeated this a number of times despite our loud admonishments to leave the squirrel alone. It just laid there, gasping and then died, probably of from sheer terror.

Like the shoes, squirrels are prizes to be given to us, her pack leaders. She has made a present of at least two, leaving them on the front step. My in-laws visited with their travel trailer in tow. While they slept out in the trailer, Kes left them a present, two dead squirrels on the metal grate step of their trailer. Nice considerate dog, she is.

Kes also chases birds. From cardinals that feed on grass seed in the yard to crows that fly overhead, mocking her with their cry. I've even seen her give chase to a goose that was flying a couple hundred feet overhead as though she could catch it. I'm sure she thought she could because one day I was working on the barn and I saw Kes looking up in the sky. I looked up to see what she was looking at. It was a jet plane passing over so high it was leaving a contrail. Kes looked at it as if to say "If you'd just come down a little lower, I know I could catch you, you silver bird."

If you've ever owned a Border Collie, you know exactly what I'm talking about. They are a joy be around and a pain in the buttocks as well, kind of like having children.

[seebs]

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one with a car full of clowns on it.
And that has made all the difference.

[livius drusus]

Okay, Ex-zombie, I'm going to tell you a totally true story about my daddy's bout with empty nest syndrome. If this doesn't cheer you up, I don't know what will.

I was 17 and had just graduated high school. I spent that summer in Rome in a terribly romantic teenage haze with my once and forever boyfriend (with whom I would later break up rather unceremoniously in the throes of freshman partying). My dad, a very conservative, gruff protective type, absolutely adored Sean, and pretty much let me get away with all kinds of naughtiness I would otherwise have had to have done using the usual panoply of teenage stealth devices.

Anyhoo... One lovely June day, I was sitting on my bed listening to music or some such thing when my dad walked in and told me we had to "talk". (Yes, those are scare quotes.) Deeply trepidacious but unable to think of a way to get out of it, I sat up, got my game face on, and accepted my fate. Had I known what was coming, I would have shoved my fingers in my ears and run screaming.

The conversation went a little something like this.

Daddy Drusus: You and Sean have been together for a while now (Editorial interjection: we'd been together about 8 months at that point), and you're bound to experience certain... urges.
liv: (instant crimson blush) Um...
DD: Now, now... Don't deny it. I was young once too. (jovial chuckle and pat on the shoulder)
liv: He he... (strained chuckle and barely swallowed gorge)
DD: Well, I want you to know that there are lots of things you can do besides having sex.
liv: Um... (desperate eye movements darting for the door)
DD: Because you have to save yourself for your husband, of course.
liv: Oh. (calculates the odds of her being able to track down Roberto and get him to accept a proposal of marriage 2 years after the less than amicable breakup)
DD: Yes, you do, of course (sweet avuncular hair ruffling), but there are ways you can take care of those needs without losing your virginity.
liv: (strangled whisper) Daaad...
DD: I know, I know... Daaad, but still. I know these things. For example, you can have oral sex.
liv: (desperately seeking bottomless pit into which to sink) Uh huh...
DD: You can have anal sex.
liv: (screaming on the inside) Jesus Dad!
DD: I know it may sound weird, but really, it's fine. And that way you save yourself for your husband.
liv: Okey dokey. Thanks for the convo. Much obliged. Look at the time. There's anal sex to be had out there somewhere. (Editorial interjection: I didn't actually say that last bit.)
DD: Sure, honey. I'm glad we had this talk. I love you. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?
liv: Well if I didn't know it before I sure do now.
DD: (kisses me on forehead) Attagirl. Bye now.
liv: Love you too. Buh bye now. (barricades door shut behind him)

I called my 3 best girlfriends and keened incessantly for about 2 hours. I then called Sean. He actually managed to commiserate quite sincerely for minutes before saying "So... About that anal sex..." :D

:hug:, Ex-zombie.

[Ex-zombie]

Kes sounds like a fabulous dog Warren. Thanks for the wonderful story. :cool:

Seebs, that was a lovely poem. :yup:

Liv, I hope my "sex" talk with my daughters was not that bad. Thinking about it though it might have been. :blush:

[Goliath]

Regarding the buttsex: If I ain't sinnin', then Jesus died for nothin'. :D

[Ex-zombie]

Regarding the buttsex: If I ain't sinnin', then Jesus died for nothin'. :D

Just what have you been up to?

[Goliath]

Buttse--Umm...I mean...teaching and research. Yeah, that's it... :P

Seriously, though, my life has been kinda boring, lately (and my sex life* non-existent).

* - sans masturbation, of course.

[Ex-zombie]

Buttse--Umm...I mean...teaching and research. Yeah, that's it... :P

Seriously, though, my life has been kinda boring, lately (and my sex life* non-existent).

* - sans masturbation, of course.

Boring, huh. Teaching and research about butts. I can see how that would be boring. :wink:



My oldest daughter called me at work today. She bubbles on for fifteen minutes about her husband, her job, her apartment and her plans. Then a pause. She says, "I really miss you." Now I am all choked up just remembering it. I am a mess today.

I really appreciate your kind responses.

[viscousmemories]

I feel for you Ex-zombie, despite not having anything cheering to say. :deepsigh:

It's really touching how much you love your daughters. :yup:

[LadyShea]

As much as my parents pretended to be glad to be rid of me, what with traveling the country for a year in their super deluxe motor home, I know that they were really just pining for the day I would announce moving to be near them ;)

Seriously, hubby and I have always vacationed with my folks, no matter we all lived states away, and that was a blast. Maybe you can ask your daughter if they would be interested in meeting you at Incredible Vaction Spot sometime.

[Ex-zombie]

I feel for you Ex-zombie, despite not having anything cheering to say. :deepsigh:

It's really touching how much you love your daughters. :yup:


The situation has taken me by surprise. I expected my spouse to go through this, not myself. In front of family and friends I act like it's no big deal that she has left. Do other fathers feel this way and just cover it up?

[Ex-zombie]

As much as my parents pretended to be glad to be rid of me, what with traveling the country for a year in their super deluxe motor home, I know that they were really just pining for the day I would announce moving to be near them ;)

Seriously, hubby and I have always vacationed with my folks, no matter we all lived states away, and that was a blast. Maybe you can ask your daughter if they would be interested in meeting you at Incredible Vaction Spot sometime.

That's an excellent suggestion LadyShea. Thank you.

[viscousmemories]

The situation has taken me by surprise. I expected my spouse to go through this, not myself. In front of family and friends I act like it's no big deal that she had left. Do other fathers feel this way and just cover it up?
I'm sure that's the case.

[Dragar]

I wrote a poem too. It's a physics poem.

Ahem.

There once was man who said, "Oh.
It seems I can never quite know
An electron's location
And with that information
How fast it is gonna now go!"

[Dragar]

The situation has taken me by surprise. I expected my spouse to go through this, not myself. In front of family and friends I act like it's no big deal that she had left. Do other fathers feel this way and just cover it up?

My sister told me that my dad had a bit of a cry when I first left for university, while my mum just took it in her stride. So, I don't think it's that unusual.

[Ex-zombie]

My sister told me that my dad had a bit of a cry when I first left for university, while my mum just took it in her stride. So, I don't think it's that unusual.

Thanks Dragar. It's nice to know I'm not alone in how I feel. I was beginning to think I was turning into a metrosexual. :eek:

Nice physics poem too.

[LadyShea]

Oh I sorta forgot to mention that yes, my Daddy misses me. He calls me several times a week just to chat. Many fathers I know only get on the phone to say hi when the mom has initiated the conversation. That's not so with us :)

[maddog]

I know I sound like a broken record whenever I bring up David K. Reynolds, but I like the way the guy thinks. What he would say in this situation (I think) is:
(1) Hey, your feelings are your feelings. The reason you are feeling sad and lonely is because of your love and caring for one another. That's perfectly normal and natural and to be expected. In a way, you're to be congratulated for feeling that way. It's just a badge of how good the bond is between you.
(2) One good way to lessen the pain of certain kinds of feelings is to take yourself out of yourself. Do something for someone else. In this case, I can imagine that it might be fun to make a kind of little "care" package to send to your daughter and S-I-L. You know, do a little shopping for token items that you think she/they would like, or pick out some stuff from around the house that would be familiar to her, pack up a few treats (esp. homemade), write a handwritten note/letter, and just send her a package. You'd feel like you're doing something, it would be an expression of your love, it would reinforce your connectedness. It might even help you feel happier. Just a thought.
#216

[livius drusus]

Liv, I hope my "sex" talk with my daughters was not that bad. Thinking about it though it might have been. :blush:

I bet they weren't 17 when you dug in, though. :oyvey:

[Dragar]

Thanks Dragar. It's nice to know I'm not alone in how I feel. I was beginning to think I was turning into a metrosexual. :eek:

There's a huge gender stereotype in our culture, which pushes men to rarely express emotions. I'm fairly certain it's a false one.

Nice physics poem too.

:blush:

[seebs]

Liv, that is the best story ever.

My spouse told a story about her mom one day telling her they needed to talk. And she said "no, it's cool, we did sex ed in school". And her mom said "that's mechanics. I mean we need to talk about technique."

... I wonder if I'd get killed if some time, when she told that story, I said, all innocent-looking, "and don't you wish you'd paid attention."

[Ex-zombie]

I wonder if I'd get killed if some time, when she told that story, I said, all innocent-looking, "and don't you wish you'd paid attention."


:roflmao:

If you ever want to have sex with her again then you probably shouldn't say it.

[seebs]

:roflmao:

If you ever want to have sex with her again then you probably shouldn't say it.

Heh. We established years ago that "no nookie ever" is an empty threat.

[livius drusus]

Okay, Ex-zombie. I have finally found the perfect thing to cheer you up. Your handle is now a keyword search and it turns up (drumroll, please):

:capt: :baby3: :hugo: :mama: :otis: :tiny: :stump: :runrab:

(God I hope he's seen House Of 1000 Corpses cause have no idea who these people are. :praying: )

[Goliath]

(God I hope he's seen House Of 1000 Corpses cause have no idea who these people are. :praying: )

Well, I haven't seen House of 1,000 Corpses, but now I have a smiley to use whenever I say, in my "crotchety old-man" voice:

"When I was your age, we couldn't afford arms or legs! We each had one head, one neck, and a torso, and that's it! We were thankful for what we had! We didn't have these fancy-schmancy limbs to move us around, no-sir-ree! When we wanted to be entertained, we'd just beat our heads against a :stump:."

:D

[Ex-zombie]

"When I was your age, we couldn't afford arms or legs! We each had one head, one neck, and a torso, and that's it! We were thankful for what we had! We didn't have these fancy-schmancy limbs to move us around, no-sir-ree! When we wanted to be entertained, we'd just beat our heads against a :stump:."

:D

:biglaugh:

Damn Goliath I never knew you could be so funny!

[Ex-zombie]

Okay, Ex-zombie. I have finally found the perfect thing to cheer you up. Your handle is now a keyword search and it turns up (drumroll, please):

:capt: :baby3: :hugo: :mama: :otis: :tiny: :stump: :runrab:

(God I hope he's seen House Of 1000 Corpses cause have no idea who these people are. :praying: )

Actually I haven't seen the movie. But that is the coolest thing ever.


:happycry: I have my very own smilies!

:baby3: :capt: :mama: :hugo: :otis: :tiny: :stump: :runrab: :otis:

[Brimshack]

I'm so choked up about Liv's Dad and the (sniff!) wisdom with which he handled such a diffcult subject. What a wonderful, wonderful man!

[Ex-zombie]

I'm so choked up about Liv's Dad and the (sniff!) wisdom with which he handled such a diffcult subject. What a wonderful, wonderful man!

You should memorize her Dad's advice in case you should ever need it. :D

[viscousmemories]

You should memorize her Dad's advice in case you should ever need it. :D
You mean like if he goes to prison?

[Brimshack]

Dont sully the advice of that sweet sweet man with such vile suggestions, Tom. You ake a beautiful thing into something bad, something awful and shameful. The word should not be so taken out of context. But rather it should be cherished, loved, and practiced, as the source clearly intended it.

(Sniff!)

...with 17 year old girls.

[viscousmemories]

:didi:

[seebs]

Okay, so, I'm a little sick.

And when I'm a little sick, what happens is, I become surrealistic and strange, but otherwise perfectly functional.

So this thread is a good place for me to talk about the ideas I have in this state. I come up with great ideas. I come up with concepts like "the twin pit bulls of why pyramid schemes are universally bad and unworkable", whose names are Amway and Ponzi. You let them loose when people talk about referral programs.

I think I was a little feverish when I proposed that the ideal dietary supplement for pregnant women would be pills made from babies, since that's obviously going to give them the right set of nutrients.

The best thing to do when feverish is to sit down and read all of Foucault's Pendulum in a single pass. Then have weird hallucinations and dreams for three days. I did this once. It was great. I still have no idea which parts of that book I read, and which parts I dreamed. I'm afraid to go back and read it now; how could it ever compare?

[Brimshack]

Seebs, man, I'm trying to concentrate here.

[livius drusus]

Brimshack, darling, you are the funniest disgusting, filthy degenerate I've ever known.

[Dingfod]

"When I was your age, we couldn't afford arms or legs! We each had one head, one neck, and a torso, and that's it! We were thankful for what we had! We didn't have these fancy-schmancy limbs to move us around, no-sir-ree! When we wanted to be entertained, we'd just beat our heads against a :stump:."

:D

:biglaugh:

Damn Goliath I never knew you could be so funny!That was supposed to be ended with "...and we liked it that way." --Saturday Night Live Dana Carvey's old man bit.

[wildernesse]

The situation has taken me by surprise. I expected my spouse to go through this, not myself. In front of family and friends I act like it's no big deal that she has left. Do other fathers feel this way and just cover it up?

Ex-zombie, you've made me cement my plans to go home and hang out with my parents soon. I'm pretty sure that my daddy misses me a whole lot.

Yeah--that's present tense!

And great stories, everyone--thanks for the laugh.

[Goliath]

That was supposed to be ended with "...and we liked it that way." --Saturday Night Live Dana Carvey's old man bit.

...really? That was Dana Carvey?

Damn...I've gotten so old and the years have blended together so much, that I can't even remember what ideas I first saw on TV and which ones were made up by me and my friends.

Except Nica-plug...that definitely wasn't on TV. What's Nica-plug, you ask? Well, it's like a nicotene patch, except it's a one step process to give you the nicotene that you crave without anyone else seeing any unsightly patches in public. :D

[Sweetie]

My newest story could cheer you up but only by relation, kind of a, oh well at least that's not happening to her type of thing.

My sister called last night with some news. :cry:

Oh well, then a longtime family friend, he's 50ish just found out that he may never walk again and it's due to malpractice of a sort.

:sadcheer:

[livius drusus]

:stunned: Okey dokey. Well, I'm glad you liked the smilies at any rate, Ex-zombie. Now you pretty much have to watch the movie, I think.

[Brimshack]

Brimshack, darling, you are the funniest disgusting, filthy degenerate I've ever known.

Now if your going to sweet talk me like that...

:hearts: :love: :hearts:

[livius drusus]

Now if your going to sweet talk me like that...

Bastard. Hellhound. Foul fiend from the impacted bowels of Satan himself.

[Brimshack]

:beating: :love: :lovey: :madlove: :heart: :beloved: :inlove: :hearts: :hearts:

:bouquet:

:hearts: :hearts: :hearts: :love: :heart:

Tis True Love I tell ya!

:beloved:

[livius drusus]

liv --> :humping: <-- Brim

[Ex-zombie]

Thanks for cheering me up guys. You are the best. I am much better today.

This has been my first chance to check into this thread today as my internet connection went down. :fuming:

[livius drusus]

That's distinctly uncheering. My DSL was bugging a bit this weekend but seems to have stabilized now.

Here, let's make those slackers at your ISP pay: :voodoo:

[viscousmemories]

Robo-dogfucking and voodoo smilies. God I love this place. Glad you feel better EZ. :yup:

[Petra]

Ouch!

liv's dad and seebs wife's mum and two-dogs-fucking have made me laugh till my seared sunburnt self screams in pain. I'm so toast. Owowowowow. :(


Pleased to hear you are feeling better, EZ.

[Ronin]

:onfire:

boom shaka laka boonka boo

[livius drusus]

:combust:

[Ex-zombie]

I think I was a little feverish when I proposed that the ideal dietary supplement for pregnant women would be pills made from babies, since that's obviously going to give them the right set of nutrients.

Makes perfect sense to me. :D



Yes liv after 3 more hours of no internet service I wish voodoo really worked. :voodoo:

[JoeP]

Ex-zombie's ISP: :voodoo:
(My telco, for good measure: :voodoo: )

Brim & liv remind me of the Indian boy who asks his father, "Dad, why is my older brother called Running Horse?" "Well son, when he was born, I looked out of the teepee and the first thing I saw was a horse running across the plains." [Stop me if you've heard this one.]

A day or so later he says, "Dad, why is my sister called Soaring Eagle?" "Son, your sister was born just before dawn. When the sun rose, the first thing we saw was an eagle flying." [Actually you can't stop me and I bet you can't stop reading either.]

A couple of days after that he interrupts his dad again, "Daaad ... how my baby sister get her name?" "My boy, Willow was born in a hospital and there were great willow trees on the lawn. Anyway, why all the questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"

:humping: