Greetings and Salutations!

[Lauri D]

I had a whole thing written but my word processor ate it. So it goes!

[godfry n. glad]

Christ on a stick, grrrrl...where you been?

[beyelzu]

hello lauri how goes it

[Uthgar the Brazen]

No dessert for word processor! Bad word processor!

[Farren]

What's up Lauri?

[Naruto]

:hello:

[Legs]

:hai:

[viscousmemories]

:welcome: to the :ff:, Lauri D.

[Ensign Steve]

Hi, Lauri! It's good to hear from you. :)

:undog:

[Julie]

Hey COAS!

[Crumb]

Hey Lauri!

It's not easy being green.
:kermit:

[LadyShea]

Hey stranger :)

[Lauri D]

I had this long loooong post written out and it got eaten. That really pissed me off.

I'm struggling once again with the insidious demon of insomnia after a period of, shall we say, remission? Mom's illness and hospice brought it back into full focus and now it's blooming like a lily in springtime. Got to board a plane in less than twelve hours and can't sleep (fully packed though, so that's something, right?!)

She passed last night. It's weird that I have this compulsion to share this news with so many people that I've neglected and yet I don't know I have this weird feeling that I can still connect, I don't know who else to connect to except for those of you who know who you are.

I don't know what to do or say at the moment but hey this is the forum for "news" (or did I get that wrong?!) so I figured I'd share, compulsive that I am.

P.S. to godfry - the "small patch of garden" that I was so obsessed with has flourished, fortunately, under the care of whoever took that apartment over (I've never met him or her personally). But I have a birds-eye view from my parent's house and it looks really great, is gorgeous and blooming.

[Stormlight]

:wb:

[Watser?]

Hello Lauri D :tiphat:

[viscousmemories]

Oh no, Lauri. I'm sorry. :(

Check your PMs.

[Uthgar the Brazen]

:hug:

[Crumb]

:huggle:

[LadyShea]

Call me, PM me, or email me babe. I am so sorry about your Mom.

And I've said it before, I'll say it again...Trazodone. It was like a goddamned miracle for me when I was depressed with associated insomnia, truly.

[Julie]

:huggle: I'm so sorry Lauri.

[lisarea]

Aw, Lauri, I'm so sorry to hear that.

It's good to see you back, though.

[Farren]

Lauri, I'm so sorry.

[godfry n. glad]

Well, that certainly is sucky news. I'm really sorry for your grief.

Other than to say that you're probably real clear on the source of the insomnia, which is a whole lot better than having it come out of the blue. So, given that, I'd follow LadyShea's advice, if not for the specific med....See your doc, get prescribed for something to get you through the worst. It certainly helped me; dog knows what dumbshit things I would have done without the prozac.

I'm glad to hear your garden is doing so well...and that you can see it doing so. Think nice thoughts about getting back to gardening and deal with your grief.

I'm sure that there are plenty here who would give you the time of day, including myself. So...if there is anything I can do, just PM me, I'll try my best.

[Dingfod]

... Mom's illness and hospice brought it back into full focus and now it's blooming like a lily in springtime.

She passed last night. It's weird that I have this compulsion to share this news with so many people that I've neglected and yet I don't know I have this weird feeling that I can still connect, I don't know who else to connect to except for those of you who know who you are.I'm so sorry, Lauri. I just lost my mother too, a few weeks ago. Hugs are in order. :hug:

[Lauri D]

I'm very sorry for your loss Dingfod, doesn't it just suck?

I'm going to cut and post an update that I wrote elsewhere but will preface with (separately) that I really appreciate the sweetness of all your thoughts. For those of you that I haven't called back yet it's only because I've been talking so much to family - and am a natural phonetalking hater - that I haven't had the energy yet, but I will. Promise swear.

Anyway here's how it shook out.


RnRoid

christ on a stick!'s Avatar


Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 405
Rep: 65

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Thanks for the kind word and wishes, everyone. Prewarning, I'm recounting things in somewhat great detail so apologies in advance for the verbosity ;)

Today was (were?) the various services - graveside at 11 a.m. and the memorial at the church at 2, followed immediately by luncheon reception in a building adjacent to the church sanctuary.

The graveside part was difficult because I'd literally never been to one before, just seen 'em on tv and in movies and so forth. So I didn't know what to expect and it was sort of weird knowing she was right there 10 feet in front of us. They didn't the whole "lowering the casket into the ground" thing though, thankfully, but it's a beautiful cemetery and a spot I think she would approve of with lots of trees and shrubs nearby. It was only about 45 minutes and was really nice, I was surprised to see some people there - other than immediate family there were probably about 20 longtime friends there, people who had known her for 30 years or more.

After that there was going to be food at the church for us in between services but the SO and I opted instead to take a quick break and get some sushi at our favorite spot before heading back to help with the guest book duties etc. etc. We got back in plenty of time and as I was standing there greeting people it was amazing how I recognized all of them as faces from the past; more than a few of them didn't recognize me, as I hadn't seen them for 10 or more years, but most of them did. It made me realize just how many people had been in her life and how deep and wide her influence was.

As children we always sort of "start the clock" at whatever age or point WE enter the picture - because naturally, the world revolves around us - and so it was sort of startling to realize - or remember - that there are so many people who knew her longer than I did. MUCH longer. By the time they "adopted" me at age 3 1/2, they were already in their forties - having done and seen a million things - things that I had sort of forgotten about, because I wasn't there. I wish I had been.

Anyway once the service started it all seemed to go very quickly, at first. There was music and remembrance from guy named Fred Fielding from "Love Song" who was endearing in his nervousness and touching in both his reminiscences and musical choices.

Then it was time for family to speak and that's when I started sweating like a... not sure, but sweating for sure. Going in chronological order, naturally, the "children" were invited to speak first (my bio-dad and my uncle, his brother and spouses) and my uncle's wife was sort of the emcee, their firstborn elected not to speak as he's sort of Aspergery by nature and my bio-dad spoke for a few minutes but remarkably did not seem to impart much of substance, but more of a few vague biblical remarks and the importance of faith that she impressed upon him, and so forth. That part was kind of weak.

After that was the "grandchildren" which basically amounted to me and Rache and she went first which was a huge relief to me because she had her remarks written down in notes and I was going from memory. I swear I thought I was going to barf the whole time she was talking from nerves about my impending doom (esp. considering the fact that I was standing there the whole time, like in a wedding party.) Her memoir was beautiful and amazing and the

*most amusing part*

was when I was standing right there seeing what she had written and was reading from her notes and the notes said "I always thought she would live forever, or least until 105" BUT she said

"I always thought she would live forever, and I know a lot of you guys still think she will live forever, but..."

Heh, I didn't have the balls to slip anything like that into my own words.

I spoke for about five minutes about how much she meant to me; in a sense she taught me everything I know because she is the one that taught me to read. A passion that continues unabated. She taught me to read, to write, to question (even if she didn't anticipate where that questioning was going to lead) and above all to persevere against all odds. I talked about her amazing generosity of spirit (which many, many people spoke of) and also how she helped "turn the light on" for so many children - teaching children to read was her absolute favorite thing. It was a huge joy in her life to see them "get it" for the first time.

After that was the photo/video montage which was of course heartbreaking; this beautiful and above all VIBRANT woman for years and decades, never stopping, always go go go, loving being in all of Europe, Canada, South America, Asia, Papua, New Zealand and Australia, one of the last trips Russia, this woman who sent all of us to college and helped with first homes, hell, helped *build* first homes - she has accomplished more in her life than I can ever hope to. This is setting aside the hundreds if not thousands of children that she taught to read and "turned on the light" for.

I was really worried about Chuck Smith's "word from the Lord" part being overly long or offensive but it was actually short, to the point, and relevant to her life as someone that always gave more than she received and was happy about it.

After that there was a luncheon reception where I got to talk to many people and friends that I hadn't seen in years but that were sort of "fixtures" in my life growing up.

After we had sushi between services, my SO and I dropped in to my parents' house together to put the leftovers in the fridge for my dad, and I noticed that all the paintings (that my mom painted) on the walls were gone, which sort of freaked me out, but as soon as we got to the church we realized that they were set up on easels all around the room. Her work, beautiful and probably mostly unappreciated because the paintings were always at home and not everyone else saw them.

OK wrapping up; it was an emotionally challenging and yet ultimately positive day. I have a renewed sense of how much my mom meant to not only me but to scores of others and how much she was loved, which was a whole lot. Even though I don't believe that she will literally live forever, I do believe at this juncture based on the various ages of people's lives she has touched, that her light will shine on indefinitely.


http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j233/LauriD/scan0002.jpg
Valois Jean Smith Gilbert 1930-2008

[JamesBannon]

Hi Lauri :hug: Not much to say really except hope you mend soon.

P.S. You're mum sounds like she was a really cool lady.

[Shelli]

:hug: