wei yau
02-21-2005, 04:00 PM
...and it doesn't even matter who you are.
Due to my wife being away on business and a work schedule that just won't let up, I had a wretched weekend.
It all started with getting up at 3am on Saturday morning for no apparent reason. I couldn't get back to sleep at all. I had to take my wife to the airport for a 930am flight. She had to go out of town on business for the weekend. So, we packed up her stuff and the kid and went to the airport. Due to my forgetting my wallet at home and the subsequent return trip to retrieve it, my wife missed her flight. She was able to catch the next one and wouldn't actually miss any work, so it wasn't too bad. But, I did feel horrible for it.
My daughter accompanied me to my office after the airport. I had a ton of work to do and was hoping that she would nap at the office while I worked. We got here at 10am and she didn't fall asleep until 12pm. Luckily she slept until 230pm. I got a fair amount of work done, but had much more to do.
We went home...and this is where my sleep deprivation started to get to me. While we were watching movies and playing with Play-Doh, I started to get real melancholy.
Things would get worse come Sunday. Once again, I could not sleep. I was bone-tired, but couldn't not settle my mind. My daughter was sound asleep in her room. Even the dog was snoozing away in her crate. But, as for me, I could not sleep. I finally drifted off at around 4am, only to be awakened by my daughter at around 7am.
Sunday was a bad day. I spent the morning sharing breakfast with my daughter and watching "The Iron Giant". I found myself weeping at the ending of the movie. We had to get dressed and go pick up some friends from the airport at around 2pm. On the way to the airport, I felt that I was near tears the entire time.
Things were going through my head that were there all-weekend long, actually these things had been there for quite some time.
I had discovered that I'm terrible at being alone. When I'm not relating to people, I'm sort of stuck in neutral. I think I'm a good father, husband, friend and co-worker. But, when I'm not fulfilling any of those roles, I'm nothing.
I'm a zombie in front of the television or monitor. Just a sponge absorbing cathode rays.
Why is that?
The truth is, I don't think I like myself very much. I know all those things that are wrong with me and I even know how to fix them. But, I can't get myself to do it. You'd think that the self-loathing would be enough of a motivator, but it's not.
I'd much rather let the demands and needs of others define my being. It's too much to work to be a person by and for myself. When I'm relating to others, I can try to solve their problems, be supportive of their needs and help soothe their troubles. I can't do it for myself.
Sometimes I feel that I want to be nothing more than a bodiless entity. Something that exists solely for the benefit of others and when not in use, I'm shut down.
Because when I'm not in use, I dwell on all those things about me and my life that bring me nothing but dissatisfaction. I am talking to my wife, my counselor and my friends about these issues. But, I don't think I'm making any headway.
I want to put the entire universe on "Pause". I want to press "Reset" and try again. I want to "Fast Forward" and see if things turn out better for me. I want all my problems fixed by simply pressing a button.
But, it doesn't work that way.
So, I take inventory of my lilfe and I see that there are more good things than bad. That I have a tremendous amount to be grateful for and happy about. But, this does not bring me any solace. Instead, it triggers even more self-loathing for being a selfish prick who does not appreciate all that he has in life.
This was my weekend. Two days of misery interspersed with a few moments of work, shuttling and several stretches of playing with my wonderful daughter.
Due to my wife being away on business and a work schedule that just won't let up, I had a wretched weekend.
It all started with getting up at 3am on Saturday morning for no apparent reason. I couldn't get back to sleep at all. I had to take my wife to the airport for a 930am flight. She had to go out of town on business for the weekend. So, we packed up her stuff and the kid and went to the airport. Due to my forgetting my wallet at home and the subsequent return trip to retrieve it, my wife missed her flight. She was able to catch the next one and wouldn't actually miss any work, so it wasn't too bad. But, I did feel horrible for it.
My daughter accompanied me to my office after the airport. I had a ton of work to do and was hoping that she would nap at the office while I worked. We got here at 10am and she didn't fall asleep until 12pm. Luckily she slept until 230pm. I got a fair amount of work done, but had much more to do.
We went home...and this is where my sleep deprivation started to get to me. While we were watching movies and playing with Play-Doh, I started to get real melancholy.
Things would get worse come Sunday. Once again, I could not sleep. I was bone-tired, but couldn't not settle my mind. My daughter was sound asleep in her room. Even the dog was snoozing away in her crate. But, as for me, I could not sleep. I finally drifted off at around 4am, only to be awakened by my daughter at around 7am.
Sunday was a bad day. I spent the morning sharing breakfast with my daughter and watching "The Iron Giant". I found myself weeping at the ending of the movie. We had to get dressed and go pick up some friends from the airport at around 2pm. On the way to the airport, I felt that I was near tears the entire time.
Things were going through my head that were there all-weekend long, actually these things had been there for quite some time.
I had discovered that I'm terrible at being alone. When I'm not relating to people, I'm sort of stuck in neutral. I think I'm a good father, husband, friend and co-worker. But, when I'm not fulfilling any of those roles, I'm nothing.
I'm a zombie in front of the television or monitor. Just a sponge absorbing cathode rays.
Why is that?
The truth is, I don't think I like myself very much. I know all those things that are wrong with me and I even know how to fix them. But, I can't get myself to do it. You'd think that the self-loathing would be enough of a motivator, but it's not.
I'd much rather let the demands and needs of others define my being. It's too much to work to be a person by and for myself. When I'm relating to others, I can try to solve their problems, be supportive of their needs and help soothe their troubles. I can't do it for myself.
Sometimes I feel that I want to be nothing more than a bodiless entity. Something that exists solely for the benefit of others and when not in use, I'm shut down.
Because when I'm not in use, I dwell on all those things about me and my life that bring me nothing but dissatisfaction. I am talking to my wife, my counselor and my friends about these issues. But, I don't think I'm making any headway.
I want to put the entire universe on "Pause". I want to press "Reset" and try again. I want to "Fast Forward" and see if things turn out better for me. I want all my problems fixed by simply pressing a button.
But, it doesn't work that way.
So, I take inventory of my lilfe and I see that there are more good things than bad. That I have a tremendous amount to be grateful for and happy about. But, this does not bring me any solace. Instead, it triggers even more self-loathing for being a selfish prick who does not appreciate all that he has in life.
This was my weekend. Two days of misery interspersed with a few moments of work, shuttling and several stretches of playing with my wonderful daughter.