Useless Superpowers

[Dingfod]

Make that superuseless superpowers (http://superuseless.blogspot.com/).

I have Left-side Levitation and Lukewarm Touch superpowers. I'm glad I'm not Slumberjack, I sleep restless enough as it is.

I also have something resembling Psychic Amnesia, I recall instantly why I should've ducked when trimming grass at that one overhanging corner of the house, for the seventeenth time. I'm not sure what to call it, Instant After-the-fact Recall?

Then there's my ability to read a newpaper upside down across the table faster than most people can read it right-side up right in front of them. "Turn the page, dammit."

What superuseless superpowers do you have?

[Garnet]

Dead Skunk Detection - I can smell a dead skunk before anyone else in the car.

Super Bendy Thumbs - my thumbs bend backwards at the knuckle and I can almost touch the palms of my hands just by squinching my thumbs down

Fart Blast - given the right (or wrong) meal, I can fart really, really loud. Tends to peel paint off the walls. (I'm such a delicate flower)

Belch Bomb - I can lob belch bombs at will

[Pan Narrans]

I wield the power of the Meaningless Look. :blank:

[Shelli]

:giggle:

[BDS]

Anti-levitation – I can stay firmly rooted to the ground when the wind blows at 20 mph, even though I’m not attached to anything.

Super-slowness – When faced with danger, I can move at incredibly slow speeds

Psychic Mind Control of Animals -- I use my uncanny powers to tell dogs and cats to do what they were about to do anyway, and they will instantly obey. (This annoys their owners, by the way.)

[Shelli]

I wield the power of the Meaningless Look. :blank:While I, on the other hand, wield the power to put more meaning into the :blank: look than is humanly possible.

[Crumb]

I have the uncanny ability to figure out exactly what I will do about 5 seconds after I do it.

[Doctor X]

Feh!

Phil Foglio did it years ago when he created "Gazebo Boy"--power to turn into a gazebo!

--J.D.

[BDS]

Q-ray vision: The supernatural ability to “see” Scrabble words that employ the “Q” but have no “U” in them.

Verbokineisis – The psychokinetic ability to make your golf ball move in the air by talking to it. “Stay out of that water…..”

[curses]

Verbokineisis – The psychokinetic ability to make your golf ball move in the air by talking to it. “Stay out of that water…..”
I have something similar, but with electronic devices. "Work dammit before you become flat as a coaster!"

I have Difficultism -- the power to make things more difficult than they should be.

[Doctor X]

I am a Weirdness Magnet.

--J.D.

[godfry n. glad]

Rongwei Rub: The power to alienate authority figures with a single inflection.

Stinkojoko: The power to cause groaning with sophmoric humor.

[godfry n. glad]

I am a Weirdness Magnet.

--J.D.

Birds of a feather...

[Crumb]

incommunicable - The ability to completely misunderstand a simple statement that is clear to any other speaker of English.

[BrotherMan]

incommunicable - The ability to completely misunderstand a simple statement that is clear to any other speaker of English.

Can you rephrase?

[biochemgirl]

I have the ability to attract all types of stalkers with my baked goods.

[Garnet]

I am a Weirdness Magnet.

--J.D.

Nice to meet'cha. I'm a Shit Magnet.

[curses]

I'm also a Couturist. I can walk into a store and immediately find and fall in love with an item of clothing that's waaay over my budget.

[Ymir's blood]

I have the power to speak to the dead.

[godfry n. glad]

I have the power to speak to the dead.


Yeah? Me, too.

Do the dead you speak to respond? The ones I speak to don't.

[Goliath]

I can't seem to find the official website for it, but there used to be a RPG called Stupor Powers that was about being someone with mostly useless (but ridiculously funny) superpowers. There were 100 different powers, and you rolled a 100-sided die a set number of times (determined by the GM--or "The Big Mac Daddy", as the role was referred to in this game) to determine which powers your character got. There were no real rules governing the powers, save duration and amount of damage (where applicable); there were merely illustrations of the power in use (the whole RPG book resembled a comic book).

A few of the ones that I can remember off the top of my head include:

1. Move someone's erogenous zones anywhere. The picture for this one, IIRC, showed erogenous zones (depicted by a heart) moved to the edge of a tire, the bottom of someone's shoe, behind a cat's ear, etc.

2. Cause 70's hairdos. It's exactly what it sounds like.

3. Pogo penis. It's exactly what it sounds like.

4. Summon Buddha. The picture of this one shows our hero being pummeled by a bad guy. Buddha shows up in the background and says "Life is suffering." Our hero responds "THANKS A LOT, YOU FAT FUCK!"

5. Summon mariachi band. Again, exactly what it sounds like.

6. Make signs literally come true (or something like that...can't remember the full name). This power allows you to make warnings on signs literally happen. If I remember correctly, there's a character holding a "Danger: Falling Rocks!" sign, as his enemies are pummeled with rocks.

When I ran a game of Stupor Powers, one of the PCs stole a stop sign and also stole one of the "3 way" signs that appear underneath the occasional stop sign. :D

7. Drop a 60 foot tall toilet on your enemy (approximate title). It's exactly what it sounds like.

8. Mail yourself anywhere. Again, exactly what it sounds like.

Ah ha! I found it, after all! (http://www.eviltwincomics.com/stuper/) Apparently, it's spelled Stuper Powers. Oops! Well, for once, I'm too damn lazy to edit my post.

[Qingdai]

I have the ability to make my glasses disappear right in front of me or anywhere in the house.

[Corona688]

I have the ability to make ordinary objects disguise themselves, but only from me.

[Goliath]

I have the ability to sleep. A lot. Speaking of which....:tired:

[Doctor X]

I am a Weirdness Magnet.

Nice to meet'cha. I'm a Shit Magnet.

:brooding:

--J.D.

[Ymir's blood]

I have the power to speak to the dead.


Yeah? Me, too.

Do the dead you speak to respond? The ones I speak to don't.
They seem to lack that power. :kickcan:

[Corona688]

[edit] beaten to the punch.

[mickthinks]

I have the ability to worry about things that don't matter.

[Crumb]

I've always thought that about you. :D

[maddog]

I have the uncanny ability to figure out exactly what I will do about 5 seconds after I do it.

Wow, that's incredible. I still don't know what I've done, even after I've done it.

#2031

[erimir]

This comic was funny (from the same site as Stuperpowers): Rightwing, a real American hero (http://www.eviltwincomics.com/stuper/rwing.html)

[Chris Porter]

I have incredible, impeccable good taste. For anyone except myself.

[BDS]

I'm a master of yishááh -- an arcane Navajo technique of self defense (which involves whining and begging for mercy).

One time, I was able to peform an act of sexual intercourse for longer than five minutes.

[Tanda]

I can thread a needle in 2 seconds. If you've got a hole in your britches, WATCH OUT!!!

[mickthinks]

I can dance like Red Adair

[godfry n. glad]

I can dance like Red Adair


I'll bet that's hot.

[Pinecone]

Discontinuosity: I've got the ability to find something in the grocery I really really like, which will have an immediate effect on grocery stock and they will discontinue carrying it.

[Dingfod]

I have Mental Hiccup-suppression Power. It isn't completely useless, but it only works on me.

[BrotherMan]

I am the Last Bandwagoneer. I'm usually the last one on a bandwagon but to make up for my tardiness I ride it until the wheels have not only fallen off but the rest of the wagon has deteriorated into dust. And then I think there's maybe a little more life left in the old girl and I drag whatever metal bits remain with me until I forget what they were in the first place. Then and only then do I discover the next bandwagon I'm delightfully late for.

:bunnythrust:

[GodPossessed]

I can conjure up the words to any 50's song that was on the B side of a hit.

in Pig Latin

[BDS]

This is not a superpower, but an actual talent that I've developed after much practice. I can blow spit bubbles -- that is, I can form bubbles and actually have them float through the air using nothing but my own saliva.

It helps the consistancy of the saliva if you have been drinking beer.

The technique involves forming the bubble between the bottom of your mouth and your tongue, rolling it onto the tongue, and then gently blowing it off of your stuck-out tongue until it floats freely onto the breeze.

Also, it's most fun if you float the bubble off of balconies, down stairwells, or from other high points that offer maximum airtime.

[Chris Porter]

Gosh! You could be called Spit Boy!

[chunksmediocrites]

I can whistle well. I can summarize your statements in a few words, while my own will take eight paragraphs and I will have to say it at least twice.

I can appear sane for short periods of time.

[Qingdai]

Very short periods, about 7 paragraphs in fact.

I am capable about making bad jokes in Chinglish.

[Shelli]

I have a super power but it's not useless. :nope:

I have sooper healing powah! :flex:

I cut my finger 2 or 3 days ago max, a small cut, but enough of a cut that it bled a lot and resulted in dead skin that had to be cut off so it wouldn't catch on stuff, and after wearing a bandaid during the day since then, it's already healed! :stunned: There's just a tiny mark left now, not even bandaid worthy. :superchicken:

[Clutch Munny]

I have X-Postfacto Vision: I always fight for a just cause, by determining what was just in retrospect.

[Dingfod]

I have Better Than 20:20 Hindsight.

[curses]

Found the perfect blog for this thread: Superuseless Superpowers (http://superuseless.blogspot.com/). I liked Achieving 99% Opacity.

[vremya]

I can identify 80's songs after hearing only a couple of notes. (I can name that Men at Work song in seven notes!)

I used to be attract people who would give me drugs for free, but that power may have worn off. (Damn!)

[Clutch Munny]

Found the perfect blog for this thread: Superuseless Superpowers (http://superuseless.blogspot.com/).

Hey, you have > 20:20 hindsight (http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?p=657757#post657757) too!

[curses]

LOL, damn. It's only the second page and I already forgot.

[erimir]

That super-short-range teleportation (up to one inch at a time!) would actually be pretty useful... if it's fast enough. Not nearly as useful as long-range teleportation, but it could be put to use (for example, if you can teleport immediately after reappearing, you could essentially float slowly into the air). I'm guessing since it's supposed to be a super-useless superpower, it's not fast enough.

[godfry n. glad]

I can clear a table of conversationalists with bloviation within minutes. This is particularly useful on trains or ferries where tables are rare and you have friends travelling with you who wish to play cards...but others have preceded your group to the tables.

[chunksmediocrites]

I can sense when someone is wrong on the internet.

[Dingfod]

I can sense when someone is wrong on the internet.Me too, even if they're not.

[Corona688]

I can cause a meme to become old-hat by the simple fact of me using it.

[Dingfod]

I have Super Thread Derailer powers.

[curses]

I like your userpic ding.

[SharonDee]

I like it, too. Especially since the XM/Sirius merger has brought me the Sinatra channel. Now I need someone to don a Dean Martin avatar.

[curses]

We should go for a whole Rat Pack theme.

[Dingfod]

I like your userpic ding.Found it when I googled "ding".

[curses]

I can imagine there were some interesting results under that image search.

[Dingfod]

Wow, my Super Thread Derailer powers really do exist.

[Sock Puppet]

I can perform intricate drum patterns with my fingertips. I can't seem to operate a drum machine, and using an actual drum set is right out, but I sound damned impressive on a tabletop.

[Dingfod]

I have The Power of Imagination. For instance, I imagine I have a dog that actually brings back what it is sent to fetch and also doesn't pee on the carpet. I also imagined that I could borrow myself rich. Hey, it worked for Donald Trump, repeatedly.

[Crumb]

I can navigate anywhere on the internet with one finger!

[ChuckF]

I can navigate anywhere on the internet with one finger!
I'll bet you can type with one hand too.

[Crumb]

I wouldn't know. :offended: