Are we to yield to fear?

[Beth]

About a month ago, a little nine year old Citrus County, FL girl, Jessica Lunsford, went missing, stolen from her bedroom. It was a case that many of us around here-especially parents- were kinda caught up in. After all, if the family didn't do it, someone took this girl from her bedroom and left no trace. A nightmare of any parent.

Well, when the abductor and child murderer confessed to raping and murdering Jessica, we cried and my kids were horribly afraid, refusing to sleep in the rooms, instead sleeping on the couches in the family room, while insisting I sleep in the room with them. I've indulged them this, but am getting tired of it and want them to get back to normal.

Online in another forum, I mentioned my kids runing around over several acres, playing with their friends. A mother jumped on me because I was not properly supervising my children because I did not keep them with arms reach and eyes glued to them at all times. I replied that I moved to the country so that my children could have a childhood and run and play carefree and that I was not going to allow fear to imprison my kids. My brother agrees with the sentiment of the online poster and has, throught the years, implied I was a negligent mother because I allow my children to play outside without me out there guarding over them.

My mother-in-law and rest of my husband's side insist that I am overly protective because I do watch too carefully, do not allow my kids to walk a quarter mile from the bus stop in our quiet, country neighborhood alone to come home and because I do not allow my twelve year old to stay home by himself when I run errands.

I am fearful.
I live in a suburban area where our metropolitan city has a high crime and murder rate. I live in a state that I have the impression that serial killers really, really like. Last week, almost every day, someone attempted to abduct a child either from school grounds or near school grounds, while walking to school. In my zip code alone, I counted 15 registered sex offenders whose crimes involved children, this doesn't include al the guys who aren't registered.

My kids are now very scared and I am fighting the fear I was raised with, so that I can raise my kids to be somewhat normal and not filled with anxiety like I am. But I question myself: Am I endangering my kids by trying to see that they have some sort of a childhood with freedoms? By not giving into an almost hysterical fear, am I being unwise?
I remember a hysterical fear after 9-11, people were afraid of malls and large gatherings of people. With constant media coverage of the bad stuff that can happen to kids, it is very difficult not to give in and keep my kids chained to me until they are 18. After all, if something does happen, it's my fault right?

I think I am about ready to give up on the local news.

[livius drusus]

Excellent op, Beth. Very thought-provoking.

As a non-parent, I don't have my own experience with children to share, but I was raised in Red Brigades Italy and I knew many people who were in fear of their children being kidnapped for ransom. In fact, my dad told me just a few years ago that the reason he waited with me for the schoolbus (the stop was literally 4 feet from my gate since my parents had designed the route ;)) until I was a very embarassed 13 was concern that I might be kidnapped. I just thought he was being a pain in my ass.

I wasn't afraid, though. Somehow, my parents made me feel safe while at the same time stifling me just enough to make me yearn for independence but not too much to cripple my childhood, my sense of spontaneous enjoyment. I have no idea how they did it.

[LadyShea]

My parents moved from S. California to an area with 0 crime and 0 murder. I resented them when I was a bored teenager, but when we were younger it was safe for us to roam at will. I think there is a fine line between prudent caution and crippling fear, and you seem to me to be walking it quite well, Beth.

[Beth]

Excellent op, Beth. Very thought-provoking. Thanks, Liv.

As a non-parent, I don't have my own experience with children to share, but I was raised in Red Brigades Italy and I knew many people who were in fear of their children being kidnapped for ransom. In fact, my dad told me just a few years ago that the reason he waited with me for the schoolbus (the stop was literally 4 feet from my gate since my parents had designed the route ;)) until I was a very embarassed 13 was concern that I might be kidnapped. I just thought he was being a pain in my ass.
Yes, my kids think that I am being the same, too. But 4 feet away? Gosh! Your parents must have felt a very keen sense of danger for you.
I wasn't afraid, though. Somehow, my parents made me feel safe while at the same time stifling me just enough to make me yearn for independence but not too much to cripple my childhood, my sense of spontaneous enjoyment. I have no idea how they did it.
That is very impresive that they were able to do that with such a fear looming. I hope I manage a little of that.

Hehe, it's gator mating season,... another predator to warn my kids about. Gators are most hostile around this time. I've had to warn them to stay away from the wetlands.

[Beth]

My parents moved from S. California to an area with 0 crime and 0 murder. I resented them when I was a bored teenager, but when we were younger it was safe for us to roam at will. I think there is a fine line between prudent caution and crippling fear, and you seem to me to be walking it quite well, Beth.Ah, a parent's dream! As far as crime goes, we live in a fairly safe area. Small town, country feel. When the bus driver dropped my daughter off at the wrong stop and then could not remember where she (my daughter) was dropped off at, many people in my neighborhood went on a hunt for her, including a deputy who lives around here. The empty feeling and numbing terror of wondering where my daughter is was the closest I ever got to feeling what parents of missing children feel. Hopefully that is only as close as I'll ever get.

You were lucky you got to roam at will. It was a little like that for me when I was a teenager, we moved to the, then, country and I was able to roam through woods and fields and farms.

[viscousmemories]

Man, I don't envy you at all Beth. I suspect I would be massively overprotective on some issues and probably way too liberal on others. I grew up in a relatively violent crime-free college town, but by 12-13 I was sneaking out at night and taking my Mom's car to parties, drinking and getting high, doing acid, etc. I wasn't afraid of the criminal element 'cause I was the criminal element. I used to relish feeling perfectly safe in any dark alley in town because the only people to fear were friends of mine.

Of course there was that time I was picked up by a strange man and molested in his hotel room, but hey - he was sure nice about it. At least he didn't kill me or anything. Anyway it sounds to me like you're doing a perfectly fine job as a parent. In my personal opinion all you can really do is give them a loving, trusting, open environment to live in and hope for the best.

Also, you might want to consider the fact that even as prevalent as these crimes seem, the odds of it happening to you or your kids are extremely slim. I've heard it said that a book called Culture of Fear explains pretty well how the media generates a lot of fears that are actually pretty irrational in view of the statistics. I haven't read it though, so I can't vouch for whether it's a convincing argument.

In any case, good luck. :)

[LadyShea]

I've heard it said that a book called Culture of Fear explains pretty well how the media generates a lot of fears that are actually pretty irrational in view of the statistics. I haven't read it though, so I can't vouch for whether it's a convincing argument.

I finished it a couple of weeks ago. Excellent read, very convincing.

Beth, help your kids take charge of the situation to ease their fears. Have them go with you to the store to get window locks and they can help you install them. Generalized fear is a menace and can lead to unfounded anxiety. Any time you can name the fear (someone will kidnap me from my room), and address it head on, it should help your kids feel empowered.

[Beth]

I've heard it said that a book called Culture of Fear explains pretty well how the media generates a lot of fears that are actually pretty irrational in view of the statistics. I haven't read it though, so I can't vouch for whether it's a convincing argument.

I finished it a couple of weeks ago. Excellent read, very convincing.

Beth, help your kids take charge of the situation to ease their fears. Have them go with you to the store to get window locks and they can help you install them. Generalized fear is a menace and can lead to unfounded anxiety. Any time you can name the fear (someone will kidnap me from my room), and address it head on, it should help your kids feel empowered.This is actually an excellent suggestion! Thank you.

[wildernesse]

I think the media does generate a lot of fear because that kind of sensationalism sells--so maybe taking a break from the news would be a good thing for you and your family. Also, I think making sure that your house is safe, and talking about the safety measures you have in place could be a good thing.

I am big on not letting irrational fear imprison me--I visit state parks and ride public transit and go to the grocery store at night by myself, and if I listened to my parents, I would know that I have by now been killed 100 times by serial killers or drug addicts. No worries about car accidents though--which makes me feel less like they are concerned with my safety and more like they just don't think women should be independent (which is annoying). They also aren't really worried about me having poor heart health or having adult-onset diabetes--both of which are very high probabilities for me (I'd estimate over 80%). I try to think about those things when I'm panicky, too (because it helps to think of things that might actually kill you when you're having an anxiety spell--this should be a warning for people who listen to me).

[John Carter]

Cases like the one you referred to in your OP are the exception, and are definitely sensationalized by the media. Unfortunately, a child is far more likely to be molested by someone you know and trust than by. Yet almost all of the hype surrounding such crimes focuses on the stranger as boogeyman.

[The Lone Ranger]

It sounds to me like you're doing just fine.

I do think that turning off the television is a good idea. This was one of Michael Moore's main points in Bowling for Columbine, and I think it's a good one: the media sensationalize every instance of violence, and in so doing create a culture of fear. Most Americans have a vastly exaggerated notion of the dangers we face. The fact is that you're probably thousands of times more likely to be injured or killed in an automobile accident than to be abducted by a stranger.

By all means, take reasonable precautions, and teach your kids to exercise reasonable caution -- never accept a ride from a stranger, etc. -- but don't give in to the "culture of fear."



It's kind of hard for me to relate, I have to admit. By the time I was 10 or so, I'd roam literally miles from home during the course of a typical day, and no one thought that was at all unusual. On a typical summer's day, I'd leave in the morning, roam around all day and not get home until after dark. My parents didn't worry because they knew perfectly well that if I got into trouble, I had only to go to the nearest house and they'd take me in.

If I had children, would I allow them such freedom in this day and age? Sadly, probably not.

Cheers,

Michael

[Godless Dave]

Am I endangering my kids by trying to see that they have some sort of a childhood with freedoms? By not giving into an almost hysterical fear, am I being unwise?

Absolutely not. Here's an article from my local weekly rag about this issue: Safe Child Syndrome: Protecting kids to death (http://www.citypages.com/databank/26/1267/article13058.asp).

[Dingfod]

Interesting information: (http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/factsheet.html)

Non-Family Abduction

Stereotypical stranger abductions of children are rare.

* In 1988, the estimated number of stranger abductions* was 200 to 300, according to the first National Incidence Study of Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Thrownaway Children (NISMART). (A new estimate is due in 2000).

Abductions are considered "stereotypical" when the perpetrator is a stranger and any one of the following occurs: 1) the child is gone overnight; 2) the child is killed; 3) the child is transported a distance of 50 miles or more; 4) the child is ransomed; or 5) the perpetrator evidences intent to keep the child permanently.
* Thousands of other short-term abductions occur to children mostly in the course of sexual assaults and other crimes. In 1988, the number of these short-term abductions known to police was estimated at 3,200 to 4,600. More than two thirds of these abductions occurred during sexual assaults.

Teenage girls are the group at greatest risk for non-family abduction.

* In 1988, three quarters or more of abduction victims were female, and 51% were adolescents, ages 12 through 17.

Finkelhor, D., Hotaling, G., & Sedlak, A. 1990. Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Throwaway Children in America. First Report: Numbers and Characteristics. Washington, DC: Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse.

In police reports of abductions, juveniles are kidnapped as often by non-family acquaintances as by strangers.

* Two-thirds of juveniles kidnapped by acquaintances are female, and most are teenagers.

[Godless Dave]

You probably already know this, but just to state the obvious:

If you are overprotective of your kids, they won't learn the skills they will need to protect themselves when they are adults and you aren't around.

[Beth]

You probably already know this, but just to state the obvious:

If you are overprotective of your kids, they won't learn the skills they will need to protect themselves when they are adults and you aren't around.
They will also resent the controlling behavior and be more likely to avoid parents as they get older.

Great article, btw.

[Ronin]

They will also resent the controlling behavior and be more likely to avoid parents as they get older.

This is a bad thing...how?

:wink:

[Dingfod]

I would deem myself extemely successful as a parent if my girls were completely independent of their parents, even if it mean they avoid contact.

[lady cop]

Beth asked me to drop in here and make a comment. ...Beth i think you're doing just fine! my kids grew up running free in the state forest we bordered on, as well as our own 5 acres of woods and cranberry bogs. i only worried over rattlesnakes. (as you should in the florida palmetto, as well as those gators!) ...we can't raise them in terror, we have to talk to them, tell them the truth, and arm them with some skills to run, scream, evade, avoid, kick, bite, fight like hell... then just hope to hell they don't meet that predator. i will say this from my observations over the years, predators stalk and watch, they KNOW the kids who are neglected, unsupervised and vulnerable.(i cite Carlie Brucia as an example). yes, sometimes it is a crime of sudden opportunity, snatch a kid and take off in a vehicle, but more often the prey has been chosen and observed. in Jessica's case, the bastard lived within view, he probably knew the daddy was often out all night, the grandparents elderly, the layout of the home, he just walked right in after bedtime. in that area the little girls were playing unsupervised on the streets all over the place, but he couldn't do it in the open.

[lady cop]

Guide Lights to Protect Your Child’s Safety
FDLE Missing Children Information Clearinghouse
1-888-356-4774




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Teach your child his/her full name, address, telephone number (including area code for long distance).

Show and Tell

Show your child how to dial 911 and how to ask for help.
Tell your child to never answer the telephone if she/he is home alone or tell someone on the phone they are home alone.
Teach your child to scream "I DON’T KNOW YOU" if someone attempts to force your child to accompany them.
Tell them that no one has the right to touch them or make them feel uncomfortable and it's O.K. to tell you.
Show your child your love by becoming involved in his/her activities.
Never leave your child alone in a car.

Do not put your child’s first name on clothing, bikes, backpacks or toys where they are visible. Notice when someone pays undue attention to your child. Encourage your child to communicate his feelings. Never belittle any fear or concern your child has, real or imaginary. Leave a telephone emergency list by the phone for your child to use.

Know Who Your Child’s Friends Are.

Keep a current photo of your child. Have your child fingerprinted and keep the card in a safe place. Practice with your child ways to walk to and from school or a friend’s house. Tell your child which are "safe houses" to enter, near your home, when you are not around. Practice role playing with your child on possible situations that may happen and what they should do and say. Know where to obtain your child’s dental and medical records. When your child is traveling, know the license plate tag of the car your child is traveling in, which route your child plans to take, if friends are going along, when and where they are going, and the time expected home.

The "No" List

Teach Your Child To Say No to entering another person’s car or home without your permission, even if the person is known to them.
Teach Your Child To Say No to accepting gifts from strangers or acquaintances without your permission.
Teach Your Child To Say No to answering the telephone or door when home alone.
Teach Your Child To Say No to telling anyone who asks where they live or giving their telephone number to someone they do not know.
If your child is missing, call your local law enforcement agency and file a report.

In order for the police officer to enter your child’s name into the FCIC/NCIC computer, provide a recent photo of your child and a description including hair and eye color, height, weight, date of birth, and other physical attributes. Conduct a neighborhood search of schools, shopping centers, and friends' homes. Provide the local police with your child’s fingerprint card, dental and medical records if requested.


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[Beth]

Beth asked me to drop in here and make a comment. ...Beth i think you're doing just fine! my kids grew up running free in the state forest we bordered on, as well as our own 5 acres of woods and cranberry bogs. I only worried over rattlesnakes. (as you should in the florida palmetto, as well as those gators!) Hehe. Wow! Cranberry bogs. Lovely. I grew up in around palmetto brushes, learned to eat the hearts. I am lucky that I never came across a rattler. I also used to go pick the leaves if I needed a fan or shelter from the sun. We have mocassins around here, coral snakes, as well as the rattlers, specially around this time of year. Scary as heck trying to kill a hostile mocassin with a shovel.


...we can't raise them in terror, we have to talk to them, tell them the truth, and arm them with some skills to run, scream, evade, avoid, kick, bite, fight like hell... then just hope to hell they don't meet that predator.
I hope I have. I have told them they fight for their lives to avoid being drawn inside a car or building. That they'll have a better chance of surviving if they can avoid getting into a car. I have also taught them to shove anything they can into the ignition switch if someone lures them into a car to prevent the car from starting. I like the, "I don't know you suggestion." I know there are times I see people putting screaming kids into cars but my kids have done the same when they wanted to be especially bratty. Telling people that this person is a stranger and abducting them is excellent.

I lived in bad areas and in very good areas. Until I was a teenager, those who would do most harm were family. I am aware that even the worst can happen, even if you are in an area filed with celebraty homes and mansions.
But I don't think that should make me teach my kids to fear life. When my kids or I walk outside at night, we are more fearful of the most likely danger- stepping on a mocassin or crossing paths with a gator on the prowl for a mate than we are of the less likely predator- man.
i will say this from my observations over the years, predators stalk and watch, they KNOW the kids who are neglected, unsupervised and vulnerable.(i cite Carlie Brucia as an example). yes, sometimes it is a crime of sudden opportunity, snatch a kid and take off in a vehicle, but more often the prey has been chosen and observed. in Jessica's case, the bastard lived within view, he probably knew the daddy was often out all night, the grandparents elderly, the layout of the home, he just walked right in after bedtime. in that area the little girls were playing unsupervised on the streets all over the place, but he couldn't do it in the open.Right. When I walk, I follow unpredictable patterns, never observe the same time to venture out because of this. I also keep an eye out for people around who shouldn't be around here.

Apparantly there was another attempted abduction today in Tampa of a kid walking to school. I hope they catch these guys soon before they become successful.