Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

[Megatron]

I shouldn't be posting this here, I should probably be seeing a doctor. I can't afford that. I have no health insurance (yes, that's right, a 10 year honorably discharged military veteran with no health insurance. Thank you, America.)

I'm losing my fucking mind.

As a lot of you may already know, last May I separated from my wife, was subsequently deported from Germany, dropped off in a small hole in southwest Arkansas where I currently rot. In a room off the side of my mother's house at fucking 30. Go me.

My whole life basically got pulled out from under me, and let me tell you - you have no idea how high up you are until you see the ground coming up at terminal velocity.

I went into a severe depression including a failed suicide attempt (50mph ejection from my mother's car into an embankment, I must be fucking indestructible), nearly drank myself to death on several occasions, and generally failed at life for the remainder of last year.

Now I'm going to school on the GI bill (at least they haven't taken THAT away yet) and I suppose things are getting a little better, but damned if I don't feel like I'm still a hundred feet down in some hole that I may very well never climb out of.

I'm going through the motions with everything, and while I'm damn good at faking it, I can't even get excited about anything. My life has become a series of distractions and escapisms.

It's not that I don't want to try to fix this, or start over, or something... it's that I have no fucking idea what to do. I got smashed into a million pieces and I can't figure out where the fuck they go.

Usually I'm able to take it one piece at a time, but sometimes I can't help but zoom back and look at the pile of ruined shit that used to be my life. When I do that the desperation just sets in and I can't do much else but sit here and stare at it and I just want to die.

And for fuck's sake don't say "Well, it could be worse, you could be starving in Haiti with half your family dead." I know that. I know that I'm still a privileged, wealthy American with a life that most people on the planet would love to have... but seriously, when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think is "Fuck, why don't I take 200 sleeping pills tonight so I don't have to do this tomorrow," something's fucking wrong.

I'll have this beat for a little while then it comes roaring back just as bad as before.

Fear of death is the only thing keeping me alive. I quit drinking a few months ago because I realized it was VERY good at getting rid of that fear.

I know someone, somewhere has been through something like this, or even much, much worse. What the hell do you do?

[LadyShea]

Do you really want my steps to coping, or was that rhetorical? Cuz I really do it methodically...and it usually works, more or less.

[Ymir's blood]

Usually I'm able to take it one piece at a time, but sometimes I can't help but zoom back and look at the pile of ruined shit that used to be my life. When I do that the desperation just sets in and I can't do much else but sit here and stare at it and I just want to die.
I can only speak for what worked for me, and even so each day has to be taken on its own. There is no final cure for me but death, and I'm not making any plans for that.

Sometimes falling apart is the right course of action. Fortunately, I was able to maintain my job whilst doing so, not only for the money to live on but also because it was a useful distraction from the mental cacophony. But fall apart I did, wallowing in my own pain, self hatred and despair. Just to feel the pain - to feel anything - I dredged up every painful, humiliating, soul destroying thing that had ever happened to me from my earliest memories. When that stopped working, I resurrected every hateful, deceitful, spiteful thing I'd ever done and a lot that I had meant to do.

In the fullness of time, even that stopped really hurting me. Even the deepest wounds eventually run dry if you bleed them every day. But the emptiness remained. This was truly the bottom, when even my demons had run out of ways to inflict pain upon me. To kill the days, I began to examine the pieces of my life, the fragments of my soul, trying to understand how they'd interacted and why. Something inside of me changed. Seeing the pieces of my life caused me to reassess notions of blame both for what was done to me and what I'd done. It also led me to question the very value of blame itself.

Eventually, I let go of the desire to be a victim - to be empty -and started trying to live my life. I still feel the emptiness from time to time, but it doesn't have the grip on me it once did. The depressed states don't last for weeks or months but for minutes or hours. I let the pain wash over me and recede.


I don't know if that is helpful to you, or even if it makes sense. It's all I've got though. Sometimes you have to destroy something to remake it.

[Megatron]

Do you really want my steps to coping, or was that rhetorical? Cuz I really do it methodically...and it usually works, more or less.

It was rhetorical in a way, but if you've found a process that really works for you I'd certainly like to try it.

[Doctor X]

In all honesty, in ten years it will not hurt as much.

You need to remember that.

Then you need to get to work.

--J.D.

[Megatron]

(huge post)

I see what you're getting at, and it does make sense. I'm so full of denial and escapism at this point that maybe I need to do some serious self-examining. That sounds scary as hell though.

I'd like to think there's some other cure besides death, but I don't know. Some people are just hard-wired to depression, and I've always been like this, even when I seem like the most outgoing social butterfly (most people I know have NO CLUE.)

My family seems to think my return to college was a magic wand. :fixed:

I hoped it would be, but it wasn't.

All that said, I don't know if it would work for me like that... I'm past blame at this point... or at least, I don't blame anyone but myself. I did this, after all.

[Plant Woman]

Megatron, I know what you are going through, and it is very painful. The first thing I wanted to do was make the pain stop when the rug was pulled out from under me. I went into shock, but I didn't want to numb myself with drugs or alcohol, because that just delays the inevitable. So going through the whole process is a must, skipping over any of it just prolongs it.

I allowed myself time to cry. I tried mostly to do it first thing when I took a shower and let all the tears run down the drain. I cursed, I shouted, I cried, I just let it all out. And then when I was done I finished my shower and got on with the day. I sometimes would turn the radio up full blast in the car and scream. Good therapy, to just let it all out.

How does the grieving process go? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not necessarily in that order and it has to be done at your own pace. And I am still going back and forth between bargaining and depression. It is getting better, since today I realized that yesterday was our anniversary and I didn't even know it until today. So that was like a great step forward in my road to recovery.

Having friends to talk with has really helped. I have had enough therapy to know that you can't hurry this process and it may take 2 to 4 years to get totally over it and coupled with grieving my father's death probably hasn't helped it any. I am just over the one year mark since the soon-to-be-ex walked out, so I know I'm not out of the woods yet. But it certainly is better than one year ago when I was a walking zombie.

Please stay off the mind altering drugs including alcohol. I take some natural supplements that help calm the nerves. Taurine and L-theanine everyday and I am currently weaning myself away from them and finding they aren't necessary now, except when having to meet with him at the bargaining table.

The other big thing is walking almost every day. This helps elevate the mood and makes me feel much better. When I don't walk because the weather keeps me in for a few days I find my mood start to sink. So if you can get some exercise it will help immensely!

Main thing, is take good care of yourself during this process, don't beat yourself up over it. It is what it is and it will eventually change and you will get over it.

ETA, just read your last note and I too have a problem with depression (diagnosed with PTSD that feeds it) and I am finding ways to cope that is beating it, once and for all.

[LadyShea]

Yeah, I don't think my methods will work with someone hardwired for depression, unfortunately, because I do that serious self examination thing pretty hardcore. So I'll just let you know that I believe you can get through this, and have some happiness in life.

[Plant Woman]

I'd like to hear them LS.

[vremya]

I finally went back into therapy for depression, and it was the best move I'd made in a long time. Even if you don't do long term therapy, it could help to have someone to talk to and figure out what the next few steps are. We have vet specific services here (at least hotlines), maybe you have the same thing there.

[Ymir's blood]

(huge post)

I see what you're getting at, and it does make sense. I'm so full of denial and escapism at this point that maybe I need to do some serious self-examining. That sounds scary as hell though. Well, it was my final option. Reinventing myself countless times and trying to 'get over it' did nothing but multiply the pain.

My way is very bitter medicine. I liken it to a surgeon breaking a bone in order to reset it - very painful but ultimately necessary to heal properly.

I'd like to think there's some other cure besides death, but I don't know. Some people are just hard-wired to depression, and I've always been like this, even when I seem like the most outgoing social butterfly (most people I know have NO CLUE.)Perhaps for you, there is another way. At the very least, my demons aren't yours.

My family seems to think my return to college was a magic wand. :fixed:

I hoped it would be, but it wasn't.I wish I knew the source of the quote, but somewhere I once read (regarding Eastern religion) that enlightenment is internal. Looking for an external solution only takes one farther away.

All that said, I don't know if it would work for me like that... I'm past blame at this point... or at least, I don't blame anyone but myself. I did this, after all.Blaming one's self is as much a problem as blaming others for one's misfortune. Perhaps your problems are solely due to your own actions, but certainly your actions were influenced by those of others. Ultimately, blame becomes a never ending chain stretching out of the past that shackles you to itself. The utility of assigning self blame is only in avoiding the same mistakes you've made before. Beyond that, it becomes a bigger problem than those mistakes, as it magnifies them and leads to further problems of guilt and a loss of self worth.

Accept that you've made mistakes but don't use them to define yourself.

"Let the day's troubles be sufficient for the day." Remember the past but don't live in it. Acknowledge the future but don't live for it. Don't dwell on what was or what might have been.

[LadyShea]

Well, first I look closely at whatever wreckage and acknowledge my contribution. Sometimes I've merely been kinda stupid or naive, sometimes I actively broke shit. I try to figure why I contributed as I did, and if appropriate and safe for all involved make amends or make peace. When amends or peace aren't possible, I just sort of cultivate a burning indifference. The I figure out how not to do whatever again...as I know how easy it is to fall into old habits.

The above process sucks, hurts, and takes a lot of time, and I regress to those old habits sometimes. But, it's required for me, so I can start where I am, instead of trying to restart at some past point which is not possible. My natural tendency is to ruminate and take responsibility for shit I had nothing to do with, then be pessimistic about the future because of all my failings. I actively fight my nature on a pretty regular basis.

Then, once I can see the past clearly, I say "Here I am" and take an inventory...a sort of resources P+L statement. Then I set a few goals, and brainstorm some possible paths towards them...and with each one have to do this "What's the worst possible outcome of plan X?" "What's the worst possible outcome of Y" and finally "Which worst case scenario can I accept?"...I take the plan with the most acceptable worst possible outcome and try to mitigate that worst case scenario.

Any step forward is celebrated, even if two or more steps back or sideways accompany it.

Yeah it sounds nuts, but it's how I cope, otherwise I would be a bitter hermit or some shit.

[wildernesse]

Here are some ideas that may help with getting a doctor's care. I'm sorry if it's information you already have, because I know that is irritating. But I know that for people who don't usually have to deal with a lack of resources, it can be harder to figure out where to look when you need help. That's why I'm posting this and wishing you the best.

Does your college have a health center that may provide mental health services/referrals that you have already paid for via fees?

1-877-227-0007 is the Arkansas state mental health information line, which should be able to provide you with info about affordable/free services in your area.

You may be able to dial 211 in your area for info about mental health information. 211 is the United Way resource line, and it looks like Arkansas has this set up, but it may not cover all of the state. (It doesn't in NC.)

[Megatron]

If I could, PW, I'd give you a big huge hug. I'll have to send you one over ther intarwebs instead. I didn't know your story, only that you'd been through a lot.

And yeah, I've been staying off the drugs/booze. The only thing I take anymore is the xanax for my panic attacks, and only when I absolutely have to (I hate the things, it's a terrible medication, and I can't EVEN understand why people use them as recreational drugs... but they work for this.)

Also, yes... there is a school medical office, but I don't know what all they can provide. It's not the biggest place (I don't think anyone here's going to stalk me, so ... I go to Henderson State.)

Thank you guys, for everything. All of you (including one very wonderful person who came on to send me a message). I really appreciate it, and I'll make some more replies tomorrow. I'm worn out right now and I think I might try to get a decent night's sleep for once.

Honestly, I feel at least a little bit better (even if just for tonight) just having let this out in one big blast *somewhere*.

The hardest part of all this has been the loss of the very strong support system I had in Germany, and it's often felt like I have nowhere to turn.

That and I keep thinking that something will just magically make all this go away if I just find the right 'something'. It's a delusion, I know. It's just really dark down here, and it doesn't help when I fuck with the light switch.

[godfry n. glad]

Whoa, Megatron...

I haven't been there, but at 28, my world had fallen apart. I was unemployed and had been for a year, I was living with my older brother and his wife, in their spare room, and prospects looked pretty dim. I scraped along, finally found work with a collective, and slowly put my life back together.

My younger years...from college through my early thirties were years of cyclic depressions. I was on and off of various anti-depressants. I heard a lot of crappy advice, some even from psychiatric social workers. I even got on the mental health counseling list at the Outside-In, a local clinic for street kids, because I was young enough and broke enough.

Exercise is good. Walk. Run if you can.

Since you say that you have an honorable discharge from the military, I wonder that you cannot take advantage of the VA facilities near you (http://www2.va.gov/directory/guide/state.asp?STATE=AR&dnum=ALL#div1). I'm no vet, so I really don't know...and...I've heard some not great stories. As with all huge bureaucracies, I suspect they are constructed to obstruct, not assist, so you have to keep at it.

Get the help you need, if you can.

[Tanda]

We care about you, pal. I think that it was such a great step for you to come on and let all of that out. Keep posting even if what you have to say seems random, nonsensical, or whiny.

Posting here helped me get through my son's illness. He passed away almost a year ago and I'm still trying to figure my shit out. But the people here are so incredibly supportive and I really believe that continuing to release all of your frustrations, fears, and anger will do you some good.

:hug:

[Dingfod]

Stay busy, Megatron, that's all that works for me. If I take a moment to dwell on things, I get really, really down, want to swallow a gun barrel down sometimes. Staying busy keeps my mind off those things, it even masks actual physical pain that I have in my neck. Exercise is one way some people stay busy, but I'm in such bad shape I can't exercise more than a few minutes. So, I entertain myself on the internet, I piddle around the yard, I go for drives just to enjoy the scenery, I just stare off into space and empty my head, whatever floats my boat at the moment. I just try not to sit around and think about myself or the people I've messed up.

I know there are a lot of people a lot worse off than myself, but knowing that doesn't help me not feel the way I feel about myself. Assessing my part in my situation doesn't help me because I already blame myself for everything that has happened to me and how that has led to damaging others lives as well. I need to work more on forgiveness, forgiving myself, forgiving others who I still hold grudges against. I think that would help as well. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?

[Plant Woman]

If I could, PW, I'd give you a big huge hug. I'll have to send you one over ther intarwebs instead. I didn't know your story, only that you'd been through a lot.


Thanks and right back at you! :hug:


And yeah, I've been staying off the drugs/booze. The only thing I take anymore is the xanax for my panic attacks, and only when I absolutely have to (I hate the things, it's a terrible medication, and I can't EVEN understand why people use them as recreational drugs... but they work for this.)


I'm glad you are off the alcohol. For those of us with depression, it's the worst thing we can take as it just exacerbates it.


The hardest part of all this has been the loss of the very strong support system I had in Germany, and it's often felt like I have nowhere to turn.


This is a good place to turn for support. I believe it's so important to feel you can talk with friends, it's a great safety net. If it gets too dark, call your local crisis hot-line and I think Wildy's list of resources is worth pursuing.


That and I keep thinking that something will just magically make all this go away if I just find the right 'something'. It's a delusion, I know. It's just really dark down here, and it doesn't help when I fuck with the light switch.

Time will make it magically go away, eventually. But waiting and wading through the time, that's the bitch. In the meantime it's good you are talking and letting all the crap out.

[Demimonde]

I feel your pain Mega. I think we talked about this a while back when I was in one of my peaks. I've been in a trough of my cyclical depression for about a month now, but I'm managing it better than I have in the past.

I think I told you that I was receiving treatment through a clinical trial. It helped a lot at the time, and for quite a while after. It taught me coping strategies that made my life better. Cognitive behavioral therapy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy)

The simplest thing that helped me was being aware of Cognitive distortions (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion). I keep a list of them in my kitchen and when I have an attack of doubt, despair, or anxiety I look at it and check my thinking. Usually, I have one or more going on and identifying them helps me to rework my thought process. The emotions typically follow.

For example, living with your folks is a "should statement," which is unhealthy. If identifying the distortion doesn't help, ask yourself how you would react to someone else in the same situation. We are typically harder on ourselves than we are on other people. This is rarely to our own benefit. I remember once I brought a dish to a party and was running late. The dish was cold and needed to be heated up. By the time I got it ready everyone had already eaten and no one touched it. I built this up into a huge failure in my mind, I was embarrased and felt like a moron. A laundry list of "shoulds" popped into my head. I felt like everyone there must be despising me for my stupidity and thoughtlessness. The thing is, I would never be that hard on anyone else other than me, and in reality no one really cared. They were all full and happy, I was only hurting myself.

After I finished therapy, I went back to school as well. I thought that everything would be hunky dory and I would be magically fixed. Then I ran into a huge fucking wall. For weeks I tried to ignore it, escape from it, and before I knew it I was back in my hole again. I went to the Uni head shrinkers. It wasn't a magic fix and some of the treatment I felt at the time was downright stupid. That doesn't mean that your experience will be the same as mine. Go and check out the services. Use them. It can't hurt.

Another good resource is Feeling Good (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336) by Dr. David Burns. My therapist recommended it to me, and it's the only book I know of that has had clinical trials to measure it's effectiveness. Seriously. Reading it helped me more than therapy because it not only outlined the "what to do" that my therapist pushed, but the "why to do" that was lacking in her approach. There is also a workbook which I would recommend. I go back and do exercises out of it when I'm down and it helps a great deal with the painful process of self examination that is necessary to getting back over the hump.

All of that said, I believe that I am hardwired for deppression. It ran rampant on both sides of my family. I have suicidal thoughts every day. A good day is when it only happens as I am waking up and going to sleep. A bad day, I can have them several times an hour. For me they are automatic negative thoughts that spring into my mind unbidden when I am feeling down or stressed. It's terrifying, like my brain is trying to kill me. I have a stupid strategy that works for me though. My flashes are typically very visual, usually picturing myself hanging or shooting myself. I reverse the image so that it is comical, stupid, and less scary. Like the image of myself hanging, switches to me hanging by my toes or by one leg like the tarot card. I picture someone I care about finding me like that, and I have to explain it to them. It reminds me of how stupid such thoughts are and I can push it out of my head for the moment and go on with my day. But I have learned that is just a short term fix. Only by getting to the root of the underlying stress and facing that gives me any kind of longer term relief.

I also write write write. Mornings are one of the toughest parts of my day. Willing myself to get out of bed and live takes a lot of strength. I have kept a morning journal to vomit up all my anxieties and pain onto the page at the start of the day. Seeing it written out, makes a big difference. Not only are the distortions plainer to the eye, but by releasing it you feel better. It also helped me get in touch with some of the desires I had, but wouldn't or couldn't let myself acknowledge. In a deppressed state, getting motivated and inspired is nearly impossible, your interests kinda disapear and a poor self image makes you feel like you don't deserve anything anyway. Looking at my journal, I was able to see some of the longings I had. Making them concrete led me to recognize them, and once recognized I could take steps to get them. I need to start journaling again, I've let my creative writing and schoolwork dominate my writing time. Neither has benefited as a result I now realize.

It's really good that you are talking about it and that you want to feel better. One of the biggest obstacles for me, isn't realizing that there is a problem it is realizing I'm worth saving. You are worth it. If you ever need to talk, we're here for you. Or shoot me a PM.

It can get better. :hug:

[Plant Woman]

I forgot to mention the writing, it is a wonderful release to write it all down, thanks for bringing that up Demi.

[Dingfod]

I'm not letting myself get so low I want to kill myself any more. I'm staying alive out of spite, out of anger. I think anger is a better than suicide, so long as you don't express it in a physical way toward any person or animal [or other people's property]. Inanimate objects are not safe around me, I've been known to smash perfectly good pieces of scrap lumber into little splinters with a small sledge hammer. It doesn't fix anything, but it feels good to destroy when I'm in that mood. HULK ANGRY! HULK SMASH! NOW HULK FEel better.

[ceptimus]

Gentle exercise - walking is good.

Find a new interest - something to learn. Doesn't have to be expensive: learning to draw only needs pencil and paper; second hand musical instruments can be cheap; learn a new language. If you already have a computer then there are options to learn with that too - programming, CAD - whatever you find most interesting.

[JoeP]

Been down that hole. If you can't afford a doctor (and some of them are useless anyway, no matter how much you can afford), get thee to the internet.

"Well, it could be worse, you could have been kidnapped from Haiti with all your family alive."

What the hell do you do? I don't know of anything that's guaranteed to work, or have any worthwhile result, for every situation.

The only thing is time. Wait, and do nothing*. Things change. (Yes, and later they change for the worse again.)

---

On people having no clue: that's a widely commented-on thing. You put up a front, and if you ever talk about how you really feel it's "I had no idea!"

---

* OK, you can get some exercise and a change of scenery, walking or running; that helps. But think of it as a way to fill the time while you wait - and to keep your mind away from dwelling on things - also important. If you expect something to be a fix, or even a big help, you undermine yourself. Detach from your problems - you can't solve them in this frame of mind. Except for writing them down - that's good because it gets them out of your head and breaks the cycle of worrying. Lots of good advice in the above posts!

[Deadlokd]

What is surprising me about this thread is how many of us have suffered/are suffering from severe depression. It's a bit full on.

I had it about eight years ago after I lost a job I really loved. I just fell into a mental hole and was content to stay down there. I alienated my ex-workmates. I had a friend living next door though and he essentially kept me alive for a month. It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just wouldn't have minded if it had happened.

Eventually I got another job and that forced me to start moving again. Several weeks later I was 'better'. I've never had a relapse.

So, I feel for you Megatron and Ding. I don't have any advice because I had little to do with my recovery but I'm always here to read what you have to say.

:manhug:

[godfry n. glad]

I'll agree with the whole 'writing' thing. For me, it's conversation. I like to converse in writing, and I don't particularly like to wait protracted periods to hear responses. FF has been a dogsend.

Most folks here know that I lost my beloved wife of 19 years to ovarian cancer in 2003. That set me off into the worst depression (situational and obvious) of my life. I was barely functional for weeks. I wanted to go back to social situations, but I had a very short fuse and did poorly in the face of the less capable. I was on a fairly high Prozac load for several years...when I attempted to reduce my dependence the first time, I ended up disciplined at work for speaking my mind. My depression expressed itself as anger....it still does. But when I suppress that anger, I'm even more depressed. Six years after her death, I finally managed slipping free of the anti-depressants.

I'm also a SAD guy. I've been trying full-spectrum lighting above my computer terminal. So far, so good.

And...I'm not surprised at all at the numbers here. Depression has been called 'the common cold of mental illness'. It's just about as pervasive and easy to catch. But I think that there are those who are 'predisposed' and thus have to deal with it repeatedly throughout their lives. We all have to learn how to cope. We're in damn good company, though...many of the famous are known to have suffered depressive episodes during their lives.

[godfry n. glad]

I'm not letting myself get so low I want to kill myself any more. I'm staying alive out of spite, out of anger. I think anger is a better than suicide, so long as you don't express it in a physical way toward any person or animal [or other people's property]. Inanimate objects are not safe around me, I've been known to smash perfectly good pieces of scrap lumber into little splinters with a small sledge hammer. It doesn't fix anything, but it feels good to destroy when I'm in that mood. HULK ANGRY! HULK SMASH! NOW HULK FEel better.

Oh...I do know that feeling.

I like to obtain some tough cardboard boxes and beat the shit out of them with a baseball bat or other blunt instrument.

It is a wondrous cathartic release.

[Sock Puppet]

So sorry you're going through this, Meg.

I don't have much to add, although I wanted to mention this:

And for fuck's sake don't say "Well, it could be worse, you could be starving in Haiti with half your family dead." I know that. I know that I'm still a privileged, wealthy American with a life that most people on the planet would love to have... but seriously, when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think is "Fuck, why don't I take 200 sleeping pills tonight so I don't have to do this tomorrow," something's fucking wrong. Not only is something wrong, you are absolutely entitled to say so. I think it was PW who mentioned stages of grief. That's what situational depression is, a form of grief. You're grieving for something you lost, and your pain is perfectly valid. You wouldn't say to someone who lost a person they loved, "Oh buck up, other people have lost their entire family." As you move through stages of grief, and do what you can to keep it from consuming you, it won't help to tell yourself that you shouldn't be in pain at all.

I had more to say, but it all sounded like platitudes, so I deleted it. I hope you can find some peace and get back to a life you love.

[Megatron]

Apparently my school has a counseling office. I don't know what all they provide or what they're even capable of providing, but it seems they don't want to get into my pockets (which are mostly full of lint.) so I'm going to try to talk to someone tomorrow when I get my window between classes, maybe even set up something.

It couldn't hurt.

Thank you guys, I don't even know what to say to all the posts, although when I get time I will answer some of the more specific things.

Also, thank you as well to a very special person (you know who you are) who helped me find out some of this stuff. :hithere:

[biochemgirl]

I don't have much advice or anything useful to say but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. Hopefully it works out with the counseling office. I think sometimes that can be the biggest help, getting things out there. I wish you the best.

[Chris Porter]

Just please keep slogging on, Megatron.


I think there's something missing in our way of life nowadays that's worse than in the past, and it stymies us all to the point that some of us experience terrible depression. I would love to be able to cure it for everyone, but I don't have the key.

[Megatron]

Heh. Reading the Perv thread gleefully reminded me of the fact that I haven't been laid since September 6, 2008.

Holy fucking shit.

Then again, I've more or less given up on that ever happening again. Before I got married I was cute. Now, thanks to my wonderful genetics and a massive wreck, I'm bald and withered. When all you have is your looks, it sucks when they're gone.

I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but this is just the kind of shit my brain clamps down on and I can't get it to let go. It's not even really about sex... although damned if that wouldn't help.

I'm learning a lot about myself these days and some of it is pretty ugly. I didn't realize, for example, how incredibly dependent I was on intimacy, even on my best days. I can understand how my ex felt smothered sometimes. I'm like... a vampire or something that needs someone to feed on, mentally and physically.

As disturbing as that is, what's worse is the very dark reality of what happens when I don't have that. It started a long time ago, my marriage was deteriorating long before we finally ended it (probably too long, to be honest), but it took me until very recently to figure out the source.

It's not like I can plug the hole ( :bunnythrust: ) any time soon. Half the time I can't even talk to a woman without feeling like a dumbass teenager since what little self-worth I had was utterly destroyed. Not to mention, any relationship I would get into right now has way too much self-destruct potential in the state I'm in... let alone the fact that rejection would be fucking catastrophic.

So I can't help but be worried about where this is going to take me. I'm even burning out the few people I have left with my constant leeching, and none of it is enough to feed me.

Is this a cycle I can break? Everything has pretty much sucked, but the loneliness... it's devastating. It fucking eats at me, I conjure up the image in my mind of my dead fiancee or my ex-wife next to me when I lay down at night because I can't sleep alone. No, I'm not dissociative or anything, I'm well aware that no one's there. But the thought that I could end up like this for the rest of my life terrorizes me, and I genuinely fear for my sanity.

It doesn't help that my answer tends to be drawing further into myself and hiding from everything. I need... oh hell, I need to go to sleep.

P.S. Fuck Valentine's Day.

[JoeP]

P.S. Fuck Valentine's Day.
Yeah that.

this is just the kind of shit my brain clamps down on and I can't get it to let go.
Brains do that.

Is this a cycle I can break?
Probably not on your own. You can already see that your mind goes round and round on things that pain you, and this stops you from seeing the potentially worthwhile middle between two impossible alternatives, and it stops you from realising that some things are bearable and managing when it feels like they aren't.

Did you get to speak to a counsellor yet?

[Dingfod]

When all you have is your looks, it sucks when they're gone.Tell me about it.
Half the time I can't even talk to a woman without feeling like a dumbass teenager...Perfectly normal in many men, if not most.
...since what little self-worth I had was utterly destroyed. Not to mention, any relationship I would get into right now has way too much self-destruct potential in the state I'm in...Yeah, it's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself.
...let alone the fact that rejection...It is perfectly normal to be rejected or feel rejected.
...[rejection] would be fucking catastrophic.Doesn't have to be, but it is understandable how you could think that way. Rejection is painful, and it is natural to move away from pain. However, since rejection is normal, you have to keep trying but try not to appear desperate. It is a tough balancing act, I'm sure. In order to attract a partner or even just friends, you have to be someone they would be interested in, not self-absorbed and wallowing in misery. Or you can pay for it, though not necessarily the best solution or even legal (depending on your locale).

Is this a cycle I can break?Dog, I hope so.
...oh hell, I need to go to sleep.Getting plenty of rest is a good first step. Staying away from alcohol or drugs (other than antidepressants and any you need for your health, that is) would also be beneficial.

[Megatron]

Yeah, I was a bit of a wreck last night. Shit comes in waves... I guess that's kinda obvious.

I'll be going to the counseling office tomorrow, if I can just bring myself to open the door. It's not that I think there's some kind of monster waiting in there to devour me, it's just a damn difficult one to open.

And yeah. I'm staying clean. I'll probably never drink again after that wreck. I've literally lost all desire to do so. If there's one good thing that's come from all this, that's it. I had one hell of a bad drinking problem and it had a lot to do with my marriage failing. Hell, I'd say it was the biggest factor in all that.

[Qingdai]

You know, I am a fan of behavioral therapy for breaking cycles, ending bad habits and stopping coping skills that no longer work. But I can never find a good therapist to recommend to people.
They do describe how it works in the last chapter of "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler though.

As for not having sex, I didn't for 5+ years. It was pretty awkward at first.

[vremya]

I waited for years to go to counseling and looking back, I really wish I hadn't. (Waited so long, that is.) I hated the idea of admitting I couldn't handle what was going on with me and honestly I was ashamed. Once I actually got there and started talking to someone, it was fine.

If your school's service can't help you I bet they can refer you to someplace that can. (That's how I found my current dirt cheap therapist).

[Dingfod]

I went to a counselor as a requirement of my seeking gastric bypass surgery. Talking with her, laughing, telling her my problems in my usual semi-humorous manner, she thought I was okay, that I was handling things very well. Little did she realize, I was dying inside. That was several years ago. I still haven't gotten the surgery and I'm at least 20 pounds heavier than I was then. But I'm handling things very well, or at least okay.

[JoeP]

I'll be going to the counseling office tomorrow, if I can just bring myself to open the door. It's not that I think there's some kind of monster waiting in there to devour me, it's just a damn difficult one to open.

Hope it goes well.

Remember you don't have to open the door all the way in the first session - it's only going to work if you connect with the counsellor. You might need more than one session to open up.

[Deadlokd]

Megatron, you could try one of those Meetup groups. Start by connecting with people on an intellectual shared-interest level.

[Dingfod]

Heh. I signed up for a Depression Meetup group. Nobody ever showed up, too depressed, I guess.

[Deadlokd]

Inappropriate but I laughed. I'm a bad human.

[Dingfod]

Unfortunately, it was true. Depressed the hell out of me to be rejected by depressed people.

[Gonzo]

Come to Gonzo's place and smoke some reefer!



I'll tell you, at this point in my life, I am an empty electrical socket. Pretty much null and void. Existent. I interact with outside stimulus only when I have to and I make little effort to feel good or bad about anything. With that said, happiness comes to me through creation and camaderie. I have a wonderful set of siblings and though they aren't all there in the head either, we share DNA and thoughts and feelings. Find people you don't only communicate with on a verbal level, but with telepathy, intuition, and feeling and charish and respect them.

I can't see anything wrong with escapism, myself, as long as you find something that doesn't hurt you and run with it. It could be reading a book or creating or something. I dunno. I have writing. Myself, I've learned to appreciate an uncaring existence. This:

As if that blind rage has washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, I that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much life myself - so like a brother, really - I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate.

I don't think my way is the best there is, either, it is better to face reality for what it is, but I'm perfectly content in my own world. It's selfish, sometimes, I'm sure of that, but it's working and it's kept me alive. The trick is to find something you are passionate about and work at it. Be a creative being. Make use of your troubles, don't allow anyone to bring you down or have control over what your life means to you. The whole world is playing a game of escapism, everybody is pretending. Make sure not to take anyone or anything too seriously. It's all a construct of some big fascist machine. Hell, you were in the military, you know that.


----


I once read a book by Deepak Chopra called Power, Freedom, Grace: Living from the Source of Lasting Happiness, that helped for awhile.

[chunksmediocrites]

I wanted to second Demimonde's earlier post regarding cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive distortions, and Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.

I think it is common to not be aware of how we reinforce our thinking in irrational ways, to our detriment. Having a relatively realistic view- rather than a distorted and exaggerated one- has improved my relationship to myself and my family a lot.

I suffered from long-term depression and drug addiction, and my coping skills were sub-adult for all of my 20's. I still struggle with regressing back into juvenile responses to stress. But since I am usually able to catch myself when I start exaggerating things in my head ("I always/ never; I have to/must/need; I can't," etc.) and better able to identify what I'm thinking, the periods of depression are much shorter and less severe.

I also second writing down your thoughts, as clearly as possible. See what it is you are thinking that leads to your feeling overwhelmed. Some other items:

-List out your coping skills. What do you do to deal with stress? Make a second list of healthy coping skills- take the positive activities from the first list and add others. Some great and healthy coping skills that are vital are exercise. Something that gets your pulse up and keeps it there for short spurts or for a while. This will help change your body chemistry and absolutely fucks up depression's shit. Next is singing. In the shower is okay, but I would recommend singing for at least 20 minutes. If you can't or won't sing, then dance to some kick-ass music for 20 minutes. Either can be a great group activity as well. Also important- laughing. Find the old classics- Newhart, Cosby, Pryor, Carlin- then hit newer stuff. listen to some shit that will make you laugh your ass off. Or watch it on the internet. May I recommend Maria Bamford (http://www.vimeo.com/7944778).

-Have same-sex friends. People you can have varying levels of intimacy with- I am using intimacy in the non-sexual meaning here. Someone you go swimming with, someone you play chess with, someone you watch the game with, someone you volunteer with. Quite possibly none of these people will be someone you can open up to about suicidal thoughts. But they are people you can talk to about some part of your life, and human interaction for us social animals helps ground us.

-Find something to like. Everyone can complain all fucking day, and that's boring as shit. When I'm depressed I am negative about way too many things. Find something that is not pollyanna, and mention it to someone else each day. "My history professor pulls the class into some great discussions and gets us all involved."
"I made the best tuna casserole I ever attempted yesterday- all the elements were just right."
"I love the smell outside that pastry shop, and the retail worker there on Tuesdays is a great beauty."

-It turned out I needed help to deal with my depression and my addiction. You may need it too.

-Inventory in your life the people who you know, who love you, and whose opinions you generally value and trust. It is fine if this list is short, long, family, or if you delve into the past. Take their word for it that there is something worthwhile about you, even if you can't see it.

[Megatron]

I will answer some more posts tomorrow, hopefully after at least setting something up at the counseling office. In the meantime...


As for not having sex, I didn't for 5+ years. It was pretty awkward at first.
:eek:

Oh dear. Obviously I realize life doesn't revolve around sex, but... I don't even know what I'd do. I would not survive that.

[Plant Woman]

I think it is common to not be aware of how we reinforce our thinking in irrational ways, to our detriment. Having a relatively realistic view- rather than a distorted and exaggerated one- has improved my relationship to myself and my family a lot.


This reminded me of another exercise to do. Every time the negative thought comes up, ask yourself, is it true? It's weird how we have these thoughts and we believe them. When I take the time to ask, is it true, it makes me focus on the thought. A lot of times I can change the feeling away from a negative one to a neutral thought. Sometimes it takes doing this over and over again for some thoughts, but I feel when I get to the point of neutralizing it, it stops crowding my thoughts.


... I am usually able to catch myself when I start exaggerating things in my head ("I always/ never; I have to/must/need; I can't," etc.) and better able to identify what I'm thinking, the periods of depression are much shorter and less severe.


These are definitely thoughts to ask, is it true? It helped me determine the negative thought loops I put myself through.


-Inventory in your life the people who you know, who love you, and whose opinions you generally value and trust. It is fine if this list is short, long, family, or if you delve into the past. Take their word for it that there is something worthwhile about you, even if you can't see it.

Great idea.