my dilemma - wierd

[dave_a]

Ok, so just stop reading now.

You have been warned.

I am sitting here with a mild headache and slightly intoxicated. I am 33 years old, happily married and have a child and I hope another on the way. Life is grand.

There has been, however, a large, nagging regret that I have had in my life for the last 15 or so years. It has been an ever present haunting. I need closure on this badly.

When I was in junior high school this girl transfered in and sat next to me in a class. She was really nice and interesting, but fairly ugly. Not ugly really as I found her quite attractive, but not pretty in the normal sense. So we hit it off and for the year we talk in class, on the phone and start seeing each other outside of school. She makes it pretty plain to me she wants to go out (be boyfriend/girlfriend), but she never directly said so and at that age peer pressure was a huge, huge thing to me so no way would I be her boyfriend because she just wasn't pretty enough. As a result I pretended to be dense and not "get" that she wanted me for more than a friend.

OK, so the summer between junior high and high school I realize I have been a dumbass and I shouldn't care about peer pressure to just date hot, easy chicks. I love this girl. I realize this. She is the first girl I ever genuinely fell in love with. High school starts and I am determined to just lay it out for her, I have been an ass and I want her. I want her like nothing I have ever wanted before. This wasn't puppy love, it was the real deal.

Trouble is I talk to her casually trying to work up to revealing my feelings and she tells me about some guy she met... Why not since I had played the platonic card so long.

OK, so I figure I have blown it already and I don't need to complicate things for her so I never reveal my feelings for her. I desperately wanted to, but it just didn't seem right. She seemed happy.

We continue to be friends and talk on the phone for awhile and then we just seem to drift apart.

We graduate, life goes on, blah, blah, blah.

Thing is I have never forgotten her. There is nobody from highschool I care to get reacquainted with, but for the last 15 or so years I have wondered about her and wished I knew how to contact her. For my 10 year reunion I was planning on going, but she was the only person I wanted to see and I got a letter from the reunion organizer that she hadn't been located so obviously she wasn't going to be there so I didn't go.

Thing is I don't want to get with her, don't want to leave my wife or any stupidity like that. I simply want some damn closure. I want to tell this woman what has been haunting me for 15 years. I want to tell her that I wish I had not been an ass. I want to tell her that she was the first person I ever genuinely loved. I just want the damn closure. I don't know why, but I do.

Ok so fast forward to the present. My wife joins up at reunion.com which is a web site where alumni of various high schools can register and allow themselves to be contacted by former classmates. I didn't know she had done this until one day she says "This woman just scanned my profile and she isn't from my graduating class, she is from yours. Her name is ..."

Whoa, it's her. Since my wife took my last name it would appear this woman looked up my wife due to the last name. This would mean she hasn't forgotten about me.

OK, so I get her email address from the site and she has a very unique username. I send her an email saying hi, would like to talk and request her to add me to her yahoo IM account. Whatever works.

So, it seems like I will end up chatting with her and getting the closure I have for whatever reason been obsessed with for 15+ years. Since I had her email address I decide to be a web sleuth and enter it in google.

A few message board postings of hers show up. I know it is her because her address is the same and she uses her first name. Trouble is that the forums she has posted in reveal that she is into boy on boy sex.

Yeah, heavy shit. Not guy guy sex, boy boy. I do recall her being heavily into fantasy and unicorns and her smut piece was on an adult fantasy, mystical type site, but still.

She even wrote a smut piece for one site going into details. A boy in low riding leather pants getting topped by another similarly dressed boy? The terms top and bottom were frequent in her prose as she detailed the adventures of these 2 boys.

Also the language she uses (foul) is offensive to me. I don't care if a person curses, but she says things like "I got out of that shithole, Wisconsin" (where I presently live and she used to). Doesn't seem terrible, but this just isn't who she was, she didn't talk that way.

The girl I knew was extremely nice, very moral, but had some "from the bad side" friends (who I screwed around with). The girl I knew simply didn't talk that way and she was a virgin, not someone into pedo boy sex.

Good grief, now what do I do?

I know that any 2 people who form an intimate relationship will rub off on each other. I know what I am like and I am beginning to see what she is like today versus what she was. Thing is, she wanted me so bad and I should have just dated her. We probably would have married, we were that compatable. But peer pressure got in the way. I may be egotistical in saying this, but everyone she dated after we drifted apart was a freakin loser. Had I gotten with her I don't think she would be like she is today.

Now my need for closure will never be possible. Even if she contacts me back.

What I haven't yet told you is how badly I fucked her up. It wasn't that I simply wouldn't date her even though we talked on the phone daily, I also screwed around with her very hot best friend who was a slut. I didn't mean to, but I treated this girl like complete shit on multiple occasions by pretending to not be aware she wanted to be my girlfriend and going for other girls she knew while she was present. God I was a complete fuck.

So now I have this horrible guilt complex because I know how juniorhigh/highschool events shaped me. I know that I shaped this woman's life in ways that I won't ever completely understand. I am not responsible for who she has become, but I know that she spent a year of her life chasing me and finding me screwing around with her slut friends. She and I never so much as kissed because she was still a virginal prude at the age I knew her.

So all I really wanted was some closure where I could make her feel good (she is married) by telling her I regret not having dated her, that I thought she was one of the most remarkable women I have ever known etc. That is all I wanted.

Now I can't really say that. I know she is into this boy boy sex thing and it just creeps me out. I don't think I am responsible for this, but I do know that I contributed to fucking her up psychologically. If I could I would kill myself to spare her the pain I caused her, but it's impossible.

What the fuck do I do now?

I don't care how messed up she is, this is a woman I will love forever. I am not in love with her, I am happily married, but this woman was special to me and therefore no matter what I will always want the best for her. I just don't know what to say when/if she contacts me.

There is nothing like a dose of fucked up reality to douse the fires of 15+ years of fantasy.

I really do hate to sound so egotistical, but I just know I am partially to blame for her present state. I know the pain I caused her and pretended to be ignorant of because I was so shallow.

What I don't know is what the fuck do I do now? What do I say when/if she responds to me? Do I pretend to not know her fetish? Shit.

[Penni]

Yes, you pretend not to know her fetish, lest you seem equally weird by having looked up anything on the net relating to her and obsessing over it. That could also be viewed as psychologically...weird. And when I say viewed as, I mean you should think of what you are viewing her life as, too. Not to get into a huge moral debate, but to me, there's a huge difference between people who write or think about pedo fantasies, and those who act on them. You have no idea about the latter, right? I mean, pedo might not be my cup of tea, but if half the people that know me even knew I posted on this board (which they could conceivably find out, given that I use my real first name), many of them would be freaked out.

Has she really changed? Maybe. Or maybe she's happy and just uses the internet as a portal to do all kinds of strange things (foul language, smutty and immoral fantasies) that she would never voice IRL. I also know that I am a very different person on the internet than IRL. So, I say judge her on what she presents to you, only. Give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that hse is much happier than you guess she is.

Finally, as far as closure, I think you can get it with or without talking to her or knowing that she turned out perfect. There are lots of people I was mean to in high school. There are lots of people that were mean to me. That has all affected me, of course. One of the biggest ways it has affected me is to think about how much I have changed since then and how much I like MYSELF better. In my experience, a brief but sincere message about how you feel about your behavior back then can be vbery valuable to the person, whereas an emotional thunderstorm may only add to whatever trauma was experienced back then. If you get the opportunity, I would suggest that you let her know that you think about her often, about what a great friend she was and how much you admire her as a person. You don't think you really understood the value of her friendship back then and you only wish you could have been as wise as you are know. I would add some wishes that she is happy and has friends and loved ones that appreciate her for the great person she is. That little bit of love can be a huge ray of sunshine in her life that will give her an additional perspective on those days. And I think it's the best you can do. You have a happy life, and she probably is pretty happy, too. You may see what you could have done differently, but make your peace and forgive yourself. Since you can't change it, it's not worth agonizing over. Your admission to her will be a relief to you and a boon to her and will, in my experience, be enough to help you accept everything.

Good luck! I'm glad to know other people reflect back on the absurdities that are adolescence!

[dave_a]

Yes, you pretend not to know her fetish, lest you seem equally weird by having looked up anything on the net relating to her and obsessing over it. That could also be viewed as psychologically...weird. And when I say viewed as, I mean you should think of what you are viewing her life as, too. Not to get into a huge moral debate, but to me, there's a huge difference between people who write or think about pedo fantasies, and those who act on them. You have no idea about the latter, right? I mean, pedo might not be my cup of tea, but if half the people that know me even knew I posted on this board (which they could conceivably find out, given that I use my real first name), many of them would be freaked out.

Has she really changed? Maybe. Or maybe she's happy and just uses the internet as a portal to do all kinds of strange things (foul language, smutty and immoral fantasies) that she would never voice IRL. I also know that I am a very different person on the internet than IRL. So, I say judge her on what she presents to you, only. Give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that hse is much happier than you guess she is.

Finally, as far as closure, I think you can get it with or without talking to her or knowing that she turned out perfect. There are lots of people I was mean to in high school. There are lots of people that were mean to me. That has all affected me, of course. One of the biggest ways it has affected me is to think about how much I have changed since then and how much I like MYSELF better. In my experience, a brief but sincere message about how you feel about your behavior back then can be vbery valuable to the person, whereas an emotional thunderstorm may only add to whatever trauma was experienced back then. If you get the opportunity, I would suggest that you let her know that you think about her often, about what a great friend she was and how much you admire her as a person. You don't think you really understood the value of her friendship back then and you only wish you could have been as wise as you are know. I would add some wishes that she is happy and has friends and loved ones that appreciate her for the great person she is. That little bit of love can be a huge ray of sunshine in her life that will give her an additional perspective on those days. And I think it's the best you can do. You have a happy life, and she probably is pretty happy, too. You may see what you could have done differently, but make your peace and forgive yourself. Since you can't change it, it's not worth agonizing over. Your admission to her will be a relief to you and a boon to her and will, in my experience, be enough to help you accept everything.

Good luck! I'm glad to know other people reflect back on the absurdities that are adolescence!

I will post more tomorrow, I am actually communicating with her via IM right now

[Godless Dave]

I would think you could apologize to her for how you acted all those years ago, no matter what you think of her now.

[livius drusus]

I can't help but think you're overestimating your impact on her life, but I agree with Godless Dave and Penni that you should acknowledge your regrets and apologize.

So how did the chat go?

[viscousmemories]

I just wanna echo all of what Penni, GD and liv said. And I too am curious how the chat went. Here's hoping your "mildly intoxicated" was 'cause you were on your way down and not up, or I'm sure you had an interesting chat indeed. :P

[Beth]

I also think you underestimated the impact you had on her life. Could it be because she impacted your life so greatly, maybe via guilt? I was teased and picked on and bullied horribly school. But that is past. I easily forgive and accept that the taunts may have been the root of some of my problems, but I also recognise that if they can be fixed. I do not blame my problems on what people did as children.

[dave_a]

Thanks for the responses, the chat actually went really well. Turns out she is a huge pervert, but in a good way. She wrote some erotica that featured young boys, but it was a fantasy setting and it worked with the story.

Anyway, she mentioned it to me almost immediately in our chat, I didn't bring up the subject at all. Turns out she spent the last 15 years going through a wilderness of sexual repression and it's just been in the last couple years she has "found herself". So I guess you could say her sexual fantasy life is in overgear and making up for lost time now. I was kind of shocked she was so open with me about it and so upgront about it, but we were that was in HS, we could tell each other anything so I think in a way it was probably good for her to have someone she could be honest with. She says her husband knows, but he doesn't want to hear about it. I can understand that. A straight guy probably doesn't want to get too involved in his wife's gay erotica fetish.

But really it all turned out great. It was good to talk with her and it would seem we are going to stay in touch regularly since she IMed me this morning and if I have time later tonite will chat with her again. She's a chataholic.

I do think I overestimated the impact I had on her, particularly as far as her present kinks go, but when I got my closure by apologizing for being an ass she kind of blew it off and said "Your loss, you should have just fucked me when you had the chance ;-) Kind of funny.

Anyway, I feel soooooo much better now. I finally have closure on this and may have gained a "new" friend in the process. A wildly kinky friend, but there's nothing wrong with that. :D Turns out Vanessa, my wife, likes her too.

[Farren]

Hey Dantonac,

This has so much wierd resonance because I once new a girl in my twenties who was head over heels in love with me and was rather plump. She was actually beautiful in the conventional sense (flawless pale skin, rosy cheeks, huge eyes and pouty lips) but needed to lose a few kilograms in the shape department to be truly hot.

I was so hung up at the time about being a really skinny guy who had to work hard at getting babes that I'd sworn I wouldn't accept anything but the "best". Problem was, she was the best. She was the sweetest, nicest most beautiful personality a person could know. Everyone kept trying to get us together but it was too obvious and I was thinking at the time "only a fox!" and "She's plump! Screw that, why do only the jocks get the perfect babes!". In short I was a complete asshole about it, despite thinking she was the best and most wonderful friend I knew.

Zoom forward a year or two and she's left for Cape Town. She sent one of my other friends an email and he shows it to all of us and we're like "What!!!??? This is from Jane???". Sweet Jane, it turns out, is a secret piggy of major pig-like proportions. She was always sooo shy and retiring and would blush at the merest hint of anything dirty. But the email we saw was of a guy shitting in a woman's mouth. The deliberate and obvious intention (from the email text) was to gross us all out and shock us. Major ew factor. And that was only the start of a series of grossout mails to all of us.

She wasn't into that kind of thing as some kind of real fantasy but all the time she was hanging round the rest of us unspeakably filthy pigs who delighted in the bizarre and scatalogical she was just dying to gross us out but was too shy to do so face to face.

It didn't seem like the Jane I knew but after a while I realised that it was the same impish sense of humour - and the demure mask she always put on was the result of shyness, not some kind of Catholic upbringing as I always assumed. I also wished I'd gotten intimate enough with her to be able to share vulgar and ribald humour as well as gross-out stories with her face to face - and remembered how coolly I'd behaved whenever matchups were attempted, despite the obvious warmth between us on other occasions.

Not quite the same but similar enough to give me flashbacks when I read your account. I'm glad (by inference from your own account) you have an open, honest and loving enough relationship with your spouse that you can have this connection and your spouse isn't threatened by it. It's very cool.

[livius drusus]

It sounds like you got the best case scenario, dantonac. I'm glad it went so well for everyone involved.

I also would like to give you the Best Onomotopaedic Typo award for "I was kind of shocked she was so...upgront about it." :appl:

[Farren]

It sounds like you got the best case scenario, dantonac. I'm glad it went so well for everyone involved.

I also would like to give you the Best Onomotopaedic Typo award for "I was kind of shocked she was so...upgront about it." :appl:

^ :D :D :D

[dave_a]

It sounds like you got the best case scenario, dantonac. I'm glad it went so well for everyone involved.

I also would like to give you the Best Onomotopaedic Typo award for "I was kind of shocked she was so...upgront about it." :appl:

Hehe, yeah that damn spelcheckur must be broken or something.
:D

Very cool story, Farren, thanks for sharing that.

[Godless Dave]

A straight guy probably doesn't want to get too involved in his wife's gay erotica fetish.
Pfft. Speak for yourself.

[EvilYeti]

I do think I overestimated the impact I had on her, particularly as far as her present kinks go, but when I got my closure by apologizing for being an ass she kind of blew it off and said "Your loss, you should have just fucked me when you had the chance ;-) Kind of funny.


I'll second/third/forth the theory you are overestimating the impact you had on her. There is phenomenon is psychology called "projection" where one projects (duh) their own feelings onto someone/thing else. Its obvious from what you've written that this woman had a profound effect on you, so at some level you probably just assumed the inverse was true. This may or may not have been the case. And don't flatter yourself, if she really was so emotionally vulnerable the same thing could have happened with anyone else.

[dave_a]

OK, so this post is to set the record straight.

This person I spoke of is nothing like I imagined. First I did drastically overestimate my importance in her life.

Second, she isn't at all screwed up, it is me who is screwed up.

She was, and always will be, a very important person in my life for many reasons. I wish I was as important to her, but can never be.

Every bad thing I have spoken of her is untrue and every good word I haven't is true.

She is a one in a million woman and that I am not with her is nothing more than my loss.

I did not actually witness any foul, offensive or otherwise unpleasant language from her. It was all a figment of my alcohol-addled braincell

[seebs]

I dunno, I know lots of fairly healthy people who are very kinky. And girls who are fascinated with gay sex, well, I started a thread on that, 'cuz I don't entirely get it.

[dave_a]

I dunno, I know lots of fairly healthy people who are very kinky. And girls who are fascinated with gay sex, well, I started a thread on that, 'cuz I don't entirely get it.

I don't entirely get it either Seebs. But I responded to your thread so what does that say?