Stressed and Depressed

[Petra]

I even had a very stressed out dream last night. Let me tell you about it.

I get taken to the hospital for a tummy ache. I leave the hospital with a newborn baby. Go figure. Anyway, I'm broke, but I find a bag of money. $33 in NZ money - which, incenditally, is the amount I won in the lotto a few days ago. Yay for me! Anyway, the money is not enough, but there is also some "Aussie" money - or money I recognised as Aussie money, despite the fact that it was greatly oversized and way too colourful, and of weird denominations - a $150 note, a $60 note, a few $3 notes and that sort of thing. So, I'm in a strange town, with a newborn baby, knowing that I'd given away all the baby things from Zoe and had nothing left - and I'm trying to find diapers, bottles, formula (no breastfeeding in this dream) and other newborn essentials, like one of those pouch things to carry the baby close to me. I also keep forgetting the baby while Zoe and I race around trying to find a) somewhere to change the money into cash that can be used, and b) trying to find somewhere to buy the essentials. I then find myself in Sydney. I dream about Sydney quite a lot, but it's never the city I know - just some random cosmopolitan place that I somehow *know* is Sydney. Yet, I'm still trying to find a place to change the *Aussie* currency into...well...Aussie currency so I can get what I need for the baby - which keeps getting left behind as I race from store to store trying to find something open that stocks what I need, and then racing back again, because I've left the baby 3 stores back. I never did get to see the baby - or not that I can remember - just the carseat carrier thing with a bundle in it that I know is the baby. And the whole dream, I'm so stressed and so completely thrown for a loop over having this new child. I swear I woke up sweating and stressed and feeling all fucked up.

And I am stressed to the max - in real life, like - and feeling angry - and falling into one of my immobilising depressive states. I feel trapped - I can't move an inch to the left, and inch to the right, and forward is only something I used to do - forward appears totally out of my life now.

Fuck. FUCK. Fucking fuckitty fuck fuck fuck. FUCK.

I need 2 things. 1) A punching bag. 2) a fucking good cry.

:scream: :argh: :prisoner: :worry: :cry:


Anyway. End of rant. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

[Dingfod]

I know all too well what it's like to be depressed. I don't feel qualified to give any advice in that regard. Feel free to do the following in any particular order:

1) Punch me.
2) Cry on my shoulder.

[Petra]

LOL. Thanks, Warren. :hug:


/me punches Warren, knocking him flat on his arse, before crying a frikkin' river all over the poor guy

[Dingfod]

Thanks, I needed that.

[Fencesitter]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling badly. I hope you feel better, well, at some point. I was going to say soon but I know these things don't work on timetables. And if it could be sooner, then I hope it's sooner that you feel better.

Anyway, I was fascinated by your dream. It's so vivid. One of the things that fascinated me was that you found money but were unhappy by the fact that you had to convert it. Interesting.

Fence

[Dingfod]

I dreamed yesterday that I got fired from my job. This V.P. called and told me I was being let go for not properly filling out the TPS report (seriously!). I told him I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. The V.P. was on speakerphone because I could hear giggling in the background. He said that was why they were firing me, because I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.

Sometimes I wish they would fire me.

[Ymir's blood]

lunachick :rarrow: :cheered: :larrow: Ymir's blood

[fragment]

Shit luna, hope things take a turn for the better soon. :cheered:
I've always found a trip to the countryside or the beach helps me get calm down and get some perspective. Failing that, if Warren's unavailable, feel free to wallop me as well.

edit - damnit YB bet to that smiley!

[Petra]

I love that smilie. Thanks, guys. :)

I'm having trouble sleeping - got too many things churning around in my mind. I'm trying to pick myself up with funny things - works for a wee while.

Hehe. Life, eh? Who'd have one!


(Fence - I'm a very vivid dreamer when I dream, and the details of last night's dream are pretty strong and pretty fresh. I left out a lot of superfluous detail - like shop fittings and clothing and cobblestones and stuff. Boats in the harbour - one of which I boarded trying to get to an island where one woman told me would have the goods I needed - it was an intense dream!)

[Legs]

Awwww luna :cry:

What is stressing you out so? Work, home? what is at the root?

[Petra]

What is stressing you out so? Work, home? what is at the root?

Oh, man! Where do I begin?

All of the above.

Mostly money, though. Bills coming out my ears and no way to pay. My old abcessed tooth which I delayed treatment for is playing up again and getting abcessed again. I can't afford to fix it. My fridge-freezer appears to be turning into a freezer-freezer (and it's only 3 years old!) and will need servicing very soon. My washing machine needed a new engine (it was cheaper to fix it than get a *new* secondhand reconditioned machine, but it still cost $250 to fix and that used up my electricity money and so I'm almost another month late on my power bill and they threatened to turn it off. I have until next Tuesday to pay, so I'll have to *borrow from Peter to pay Paul* so to speak, and Zoe needs new sports shoes for school, and I still owe her guitar teacher $50 and my car will run out of it's Warrant of Fitness and Road Registration in another 2 weeks and then it'll be Xmas, followed fairly quickly by Zoe's birthday, and my flatmate is doing my head in, but I can't afford to get a place for just me'n'Zoe on our own, and mum is off back to Germany early January, so she can't help me out should any extra work come up during the 7 week school holidays (I only work casually at this stage and paid child care is out of my reach unless I get a job that pays shitloads) and and and and and....I'm fucking sick of it. I wanna get off the treadmill. I don't know how to. I just have to wait another couple of years I guess.

At least the internet's cheap down here. And I can't cut that off, because if I did then my mum would know something was up, and my aunt and uncle in Germany who I am in contact with will know something is up, and then THEY'll all stress out and carry on at me like I'm the biggest fucking failure to ever have walked the damned earth and mum'll probably even make herself sick again over it.

I have to suck it up and work it out. But it's stressing me big time and I don't know what to do right now. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I'm fucked.

[livius drusus]

I hate money. Amazing, really. I was quite fond of it when I had as much as I wanted and daddy paying the bills.

I didn't know things weren't going well with the roomie. What's he doing that's making you nuts?

Anyway, I'm sorry things suck, luna. Here's hoping they won't for much longer. :hugme:

[Legs]

luna :hug:

Doesn't your flat mate have to share the costs for the fridge/washer repair?

Are there any agencies/programs to help out a single Mom in your situation, does Zoe need to have brand new shoes or can you check out the second hand shops?

Are you being careful & thrifty in how you shop and try to cut corners? are you spending any money on things you can do without - like renting movies? ordering in food? alcohol?

It has to be tough for you, do you get any $upport from Zoe's father?

Can you take on another job that Zoe can come with you (ie) cleaning houses, babysitting, gardening? You can get cash for jobs like this and zoe will be there with you safe and sound.

[Petra]

Thanks, liv. I hate money, too.

Paul's okay - he just drives me batty. He's very set in his ways and can be an old pain in the butt. I've nicknamed him Mr. Chuckles (though he doesn't know it) because he can be a grumpy complaining bitter ol' fart. :giggle:

I think I just want to live alone till I can sort my stuff out, but...well....maybe by the middle of next year or something.

I actually think I'm being very selfish with my whining - so many people have to deal with WAY more tough stuff than I do - but between stressful dreaming and hiding under my bed everytime a bill arrives or the phone rings has just got the better of me today, regardless.

I'll be fine by tomorrow. I just gotta work it out.

[Petra]

Doesn't your flat mate have to share the costs for the fridge/washer repair?

Not really, as they belong to me not the house. Besides which, it'll cut into his whiskey/grass money, and then he's an unbearable humourless grouch. I'd rather he had his booze and weed and was a bit happier and easy to share a house with.

Lesson: Never have old, long standing friends as flatmates.


Are there any agencies/programs to help out a single Mom in your situation, does Zoe need to have brand new shoes or can you check out the second hand shops?

I have checked out some secondhand shops, but they don't have any white soled sports shoes in her size. And I'm already getting the DPB (Domestic Purposes Benefit) - which hasn't gone up in years, despite rising housing, fuel and food costs. :shrug:

Are you being careful & thrifty in how you shop and try to cut corners? are you spending any money on things you can do without - like renting movies? ordering in food? alcohol?

Yup. All my superfluous spending has been cut - no more cable tv. I don't rent movies or order in food (Paul loves to cook, so he cooks), he buys alcohol except on rare occassions and I haven't been drinking much lately anyway, and I spend NO money on myself at all. Oh, except that I smoke 2 packets of cigs a week- I can't give up everything - life is joyless enough!

It has to be tough for you, do you get any $upport from Zoe's father?

Zoe's father lives in Holland and he's a total drug addict. I have no idea where he's even living these days - haven't heard from him in a long while. And NZ has no child support arrangements/treaties or whatever the dealie is with Holland. I have never had a penny from him, and don't expect to. He was a sweetie, really, but I should have never had his child. (Except of course that she's fabulous).

Can you take on another job that Zoe can come with you (ie) cleaning houses, babysitting, gardening? You can get cash for jobs like this and zoe will be there with you safe and sound.

I've got a couple of very casual things going, but they're infrequent. I'm certainly looking for others. I tell ya, it's those school holidays that trip you up. Every darned time.

I'll get there. In the end. I always do. Just wish it were easier. :deepsigh:

[Carnivale Ed]

It's trite, but every time things have ever gotten tough for me, I just repeat this old standard in my head like a mantra, "Journey of a thousand miles, journey of a thousand miles ...". Pretty soon, that single step has carried me a long, long, way.

Hope everything works out.

CE

[Petra]

Thanks, Ed.

I'll get there. :)

[Carnivale Ed]

I have no doubt :yup:

[JoeP]

Sorry to hear this luna ... but glad you're seeing the light at the end.

:cheered: :larrow: me too

:airbox: :rarrow: me too

[Legs]

luna :hug:

How is Zoe dealing with you being stressed?

[Petra]

Thanks, Joe. :)


Legs, Zoe is utterly clueless about it, I think. But then she is a busy and social kid, wrapped up in her own friends and interests.


So many of her friends have cellphones, though, that I'm going to have to go over the last phone bill with her to teach her that calling a cell number that's switched off or engaged every minute for 15 minutes in bored frustration costs a frikkin' fortune! I don't think she realises, and needs to know this, as the last phone bill gave me a bit of a fright in it's called numbers' breakdown. She'd spent about $50 in cellphone calls, which, had she called her friends' landlines would have been free.


Ahhh, it's tough teaching kids the facts of life. Especially when the kid goes to a private school and all her friends are rich.


Anyway, I'm workin' on it. "She'll be right", as they say in Kiwispeak.

[freemonkey]

{{{luna}}}

[justaman]

Want some cash? I got buttloads, I'll loan you some :)

:spend:

Seriously, how much? I got too much not going to worthy causes. Will a grand do?

[Petra]

Thanks, freemonkey and justaman. (Justaman, I don't need your money, honey - I gotta make my own, but thanks. :kiss: )


An old friend of mine (we grew up together since 7 years old) called by. Haven't seen her for years. She's a famous NZ sculptress - I'll start a thread about her later - and we talked about some ideas for me to get out of the poo. I'm going to work on those. Hehe. I have a plan. :drevil:

[justaman]

This isn't one of those trapezoid schemes is it? I think you'd be safer borrowing from J-man...

[Petra]

You're sweet, but I can't accept. Thank you for your generosity, though. :)


No, I'm going to make up some flyers to go around some of the wealthier suburbs advertising myself as a housecleaner!

Patz did it when she was on the DPB years ago (before she became a sculptress) and she said she put out about 50 flyers in one area and received only ONE call. But, over a period of about 6 months, that one call turned into great word-of-mouth advertising that gave her so much work that she was turning people away. So, while it'll be a slow haul to start with, it just might work in the longer term and carry me over till Zoe is old enough to not need any 'child care' services.

I'm going to give it a go. :yup:

[freemonkey]

I'm going to give it a go. :yup:
Yay! Have you done housecleaning for others before? Judging by the state of my own home, I might suck at it. But doing for others, for pay, especially in the more affluent suburbs may be more palatable.

Word of mouth is the best advertising, and you ought to do just great.

[Petra]

Yay! Have you done housecleaning for others before?

Yup. I did it years ago when I was living in Tel Aviv. I don't know why I didn't think of it before now - I guess when you're feeling so stressed out about stuff it can be hard to get a clear grip on ways out of the poo, but now that I have a plan, I'm feeling a lot more positive about the future.

I'm still in some big trouble for the time being, and will have to keep the wolves from my door for a wee while, but it'll all turn out alright in the end. :yup:


I'm even practising my skills, with vigour, this very morning. :cool:

[fragment]

Hell, I could use a house-cleaner... pity I'm on the other side of the world. Sounds like a good plan lunachick, I reckon it can work out. Hopefully the temporary cash crisis sorts it's way out one way or another.

Are you getting all you're entitled to from WINZ? I know they've never been very forthcoming on some of the more arcane benefits. When I was on the dole my arse was saved a couple of times by food cheques, clothing grants, etc.

[Ymir's blood]

No, I'm going to make up some flyers to go around some of the wealthier suburbs advertising myself as a housecleaner!
You'll sweep them off their feet!

[Legs]

You'll sweep them off their feet!

I have some spare brooms if you need one!

[JoeP]

I have some spare brooms if you need one!That's what I thought of when luna said "flyers"...

[pescifish]

I hope you feel better soon, lunachick. And remember: keep your head down -- you might find a winning lotto ticket lying on the ground as you are walking!