Random Smilie Stories

[livius drusus]

Inspired by Ymir's blood (http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8164#post8164), here beginneth the Tale of the Random Smilies.

Last Christmas, fresh from my :bungee: jumping trip to :vaticancity:, I swung by :cyprus: for a quick game of :tennis: with an old friend. She's originally from :saotome:, which is weird because I was pretty sure nobody was really from there unless they were pretending for the Model United Nations.

Anyway, she played :xmas: and hooked me up with a ticket to :malaysia: and a talking squirrel named Bob. We :cuddle: for as long as I could stand it, then I turned to Bob as asked him if he was ready to hit the beaches of Borneo.
:qyes:
:squirrel:, he said, and we were off.

[maddog]

Oooh, now THAT's funny! Let's see what I can do:


Lucy desperately wanted to take part in Ricky's new show down at the club. Lucy decided to use a plant as camouflage to sneak into the club. Unfortunately, the plant Lucy decided to pluck turned out to be the disguise of her friend Ethel, who also was trying to sneak into the show. Ethel :reap: Lucy, causing Lucy to :yuck:. She said, "Wow, next time I'll wear a :footballhelmet: !" They abandoned the plant idea and put on a :cow: costume. Unfortunately, they then got stuck in the :conga: rehearsal, and looked sorely out of place! Lucy and Ethel were caught! they were behind the :billiards: ! Ricky was mad and started to :rant: at Lucy, saying, "Luuucy! 'splain!!" Lucy, as usual, :weeping: . Ricky could never stay mad at Lucy for long, however. The goofy red-head always made him :qlol: . He said, "aww, honey, you know I :hearts: you!"


Harder than it looks!
#25

[viscousmemories]

I was sailing from :jamaica: to :swaziland: in my Capitalist American Pig standard issue 100 ft. yacht, when during a particularly rough patch of sea I was overtaken by a band of :pirate:'s. The head pirate demanded a tour of the ship, so we moved across the deck as gracefully as possible :stickman:.

Fortunately the pirate was so distracted by the excessive decoration of my cabin :greed: he didn't notice the declawed :gopher: peeking out from under the covers. This is good because he was from :ethiopia:, so I was afraid he may want to :pacman: the little bugger.

I escaped by disarming him while he was distracted :mirror: and slaughtered his entire crew with his sword. :cool:

[pescifish]

:cap: was fired from his job at NASA because his computer model :marsrover: did nothing but spin around in circles on his computer screen and was never built in time for the launch to Mars. In his imperturbable fashion, Johnny withstood the :madrant: of his boss as if he hadn't heard it at all. It could have been because of :dj: playing in his head. He knew he needed to follow that internal song of his life. Abandoning his desk job building :fahr28:, Johnny fulfilled a dream and joined the crew for a 6 month tour on a fishing boat.

Two long but exhilarating months out, he realized this was his destiny. He no longer could deny his urges. He was in love with :seacaptain: . In spite of his overtures of candy and :bouquet:, his advances were rebuffed. "But :uruguay: !", exclaimed the lonely ol' sea captain. By month four, an arrow from :cupid: 's quiver had finally hit the captain. The remaining two months were full of many many salty :kiss3: on the sea.


----
(A typically wonderful Ymir's blood sort of idea! It's also an excellent way to showcase some smilies we don't even know are out there.)

[maddog]

One day, while :cartman: was :read: it suddenly occurred to him, that one day, he, like Kenny, would be dead. "Wow," he thought, "one roll of the :dice: and that could be IT for me!" First, he was scared, then :rant: . Then, " :hmmm: ," he said to himself, "I've got a lot of living to do before :shitfan: !" He decided to travel; he saw lots of great things and took lots of :takepic: . He found love, and had romantic :dindate: . He took his girlfriend to the :opera: . He found the over-the-top style of singing, the grandiose costumes and sets a grand metaphor for "living large." "You only go around once," he said, as he wildly :appl: , and then looked for his next new adventure.

#26

Oh, and 'Fish! "But :uruguay: !" is fantastic! (It took me a few minutes to get it!) Hee hee!

[Petra]

AH-hahahahehee! What a cool idea, and y'all are too funny. :giggle:

Lemme try. :D




I was a-hipster be-boppin' mah sloop-daddy's :pills: one fine froody day down at the public :read:, when :vader: :plane: in and said, "Hey, kiddo, remember that :deal: you signed between Cooking One's Corgi (http://www.mikeharding.co.uk/books/comedy/corgi/corgi.htm) and A Great, Silly Grin (http://www.publicaffairsbooks.com/publicaffairsbooks-cgi-bin/display?book=1586480812) on shelf sixty-six-six, while you were trying to :nethen: on the guruda's head?"

"Huh?" I gaflumped, with a :q?:, wondering if he was from :papuanewguinea:
But before he could recopulate, I shooffled off in quasispondee fashion to the :note2: section, and la luned la pavement a la :mj:
Word.

[livius drusus]

Brilliant, all y'all are absolutely brilliant. (Or at least I assume luna's is brilliant cause I can't understand a word. Word.)

:bow:

[livius drusus]

Once a jolly :swagman: was hitting on a :cheer:. "My love is like a :bloom:, and I am a little thorny," was his pickup line of choice, right before he cut to the chase with a :kisscheek:. After the girl came to from her dead :faint:, she assured him in no uncertain terms that :pigfly: before anything would ever happen between them.

Now a :sadnana:, he collected his junk and hopped a freighter to :stvincent:, where he found ladies that made him :homer: and never complained about his :bunny:-like skill in the sack.

[pescifish]

his pickup line of choice, right before he cut to the chase
Huh? What?!
Before he cut the cheese?! :mousecheese:


Man, I have got to stop letting my brain do the reading instead of my eyes! But it just won't be as much fun...

[livius drusus]

his pickup line of choice, right before he cut to the chase
Huh? What?!
Before he cut the cheese?! :mousecheese:

And after all the effort I made to avoid uploading a farting smilie... :deepsigh:

Man, I have got to stop letting my brain do the reading instead of my eyes! But it just won't be as much fun...

Oh no, don't ever stop. Without that system you'd never have come up with the :uruguay: genius and this thread would have been sorely diminished.

[JoeP]

You know how it is when you want to take the girl (or guy) you :love: to the movies? It's always the same. Great movies the month before, but you or she have seen them, and it's a choice between :shark:s III (Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into The Water), a :japan:ese monster flick, the :grinch: Who Stole Christmas, and some :germany: art movie with an unpronounceable title and incomprehensible poster. But you end up in a low-budget porn movie where a thin pasty Russian entices a poor immigrant from :togo: to a disused warehouse where he :beathead: and his gang does her in 6 different ways. You're all :shifty: but the girlfriend sits there :popcorn: and loving it. You go straight home afterwards, she's all horny and you're all :cool:.

[livius drusus]

Great flag use, Joe. :super:

[beyelzu]

You know how it is when you want to take the girl (or guy) you :love: to the movies? It's always the same. Great movies the month before, but you or she have seen them, and it's a choice between :shark:s III (Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into The Water), a :japan:ese monster flick, the :grinch: Who Stole Christmas, and some :germany: art movie with an unpronounceable title and incomprehensible poster. But you end up in a low-budget porn movie where a thin pasty Russian entices a poor immigrant from :togo: to a disused warehouse where he :beathead: and his gang does her in 6 different ways. You're all :shifty: but the girlfriend sits there :popcorn: and loving it. You go straight home afterwards, she's all horny and you're all :cool:.
fucking sweet.

very nice. It actually flowed man.

[beyelzu]

AH-hahahahehee! What a cool idea, and y'all are too funny. :giggle:

Lemme try. :D




I was a-hipster be-boppin' mah sloop-daddy's :pills: one fine froody day down at the public :read:, when :vader: :plane: in and said, "Hey, kiddo, remember that :deal: you signed between Cooking One's Corgi (http://www.mikeharding.co.uk/books/comedy/corgi/corgi.htm) and A Great, Silly Grin (http://www.publicaffairsbooks.com/publicaffairsbooks-cgi-bin/display?book=1586480812) on shelf sixty-six-six, while you were trying to :nethen: on the guruda's head?"

"Huh?" I gaflumped, with a :q?:, wondering if he was from :papuanewguinea:
But before he could recopulate, I shooffled off in quasispondee fashion to the :note2: section, and la luned la pavement a la :mj:
Word.


have you watched a clockwork orange recently?


it just has that kind of feel.

[Ymir's blood]

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, there was a :trooper: named Rodo Spleet. Like most of his buddies, he was a :laos: who spent his time doing the :saloon: dance at the local cantina. His current assignment was to procure fresh fruit for the planetary governor. Using his keen :eagle: like vision, he would search out an unsuspecting farmer and with a :lol: take the man's :cherry: His luck changed however when he set out on a mission so :qhi: that he imagined he was on a bicycle tour of :england: Riding a bike while stoned was pretty hard and soon he crashed :bikefall: and no one ever found out where he came down. :angdevil:

[JoeP]

Great flag use, Joe. :super:
The flags are the hard bits. I'm thinking of a "10 random smilies without any bloody flags" feature...

[JoeP]

Little did I suspect that a "hey, that would be easy and fun" programming feature would prompt a whole new game. Thanks ymir's blood!

[Goliath]

"But :uruguay: !"

:biglaugh:

It took me a bit to get it, too.

[Ymir's blood]

Amy was a :singing: trapped in a bad :mawwiage: She was :tired: of all the :fight: ing and her attempts at reconciliation made her feel like she was :runinbox: Her husband, :homer: was :highfive: nights out of seven. She knew the only to find happiness was to slip the :yolk: , leave the :watermelon: head behind. She :gottago: back any longer and heads off to find her dreams.


----
Note, the flags are a bitch. Most of the time, it seems to give at least two. I ended up 'reshuffling' this time till one came up with no more than one flag. I ended up with none, thankfully.

livius, JoeP

:D :ovation:

[Petra]

Her husband, :homer: was :highfive: nights out of seven.


As brilliant as Pesci's Uruguay flag use.

:bow:


(No, I haven't seen a clockwork orange at all, but would like to. :))

[livius drusus]

Her husband, :homer: was :highfive: nights out of seven.


As brilliant as Pesci's Uruguay flag use.

So totally dittoing. :bow2:

[beyelzu]

:gangster: Elmer fudd was hunting rabbits. He was hoping to take some home and :SM: them. He caught sight of bugs and chased him through the forest. Bugs cleverly disguised himself as a :nail:, elmer tried to kiss transsexual bug but was hit by :pineapple: which was funny but then bugs hit him with a :billiards: which is just cruel.


Weeks later, when Fudd finally woke from his coma, he realized that he was just :sadnana: whose life was :scheisse: and not even worth :twocents:. He truly regretted the :choices: he had made.


so he moved to :georgia: and was surprised that they didnt speak english with a southern accent, ever after he always longed for some hot bunny tv love.

[Ymir's blood]

You'll :qlol: when you see the latest movie by James :cameroon:

The hero of the story is a man hunting :tiger: in :brunei: when he recieves a mysterious telegraph from an old friend. The friend, paralyzed from the neck up while fighting a :zombie: in :zambia: has experienced a complete recovery after eating a magic :mushroom: Our hero is naturally :susp: as many quack remedies had been tried in the past, such as :smilehug: However he agrees to return immediately. Upon the plane's arrival at the airport in his home town, the man realizes the message must be a :slick: forgery as there were no telegraph poles leading to his base camp.

[Farren]

Totally cool stories, everyone! Who'd have guessed there was so much creativity on this board! Some really enjoyable diversions here.

[beyelzu]

You'll :qlol: when you see the latest movie by James :cameroon:

The hero of the story is a man hunting :tiger: in :brunei: when he recieves a mysterious telegraph from an old friend. The friend, paralyzed from the neck up while fighting a :zombie: in :zambia: has experienced a complete recovery after eating a magic :mushroom: Our hero is naturally :susp: as many quack remedies had been tried in the past, such as :smilehug: However he agrees to return immediately. Upon the plane's arrival at the airport in his home town, the man realizes the message must be a :slick: forgery as there were no telegraph poles leading to his base camp.
everyone knows that smilie hugs are a panacea.


heretic.....

[pescifish]

<peanut gallery comments>
You'll :qlol: when you see the latest movie by James :cameroon: Damn! I gotta do the mouse overs on these flags! :clap:

... paralyzed from the neck up ... :thinkup: :mj:

lunachick, I thought the same thing as beyelzu when I read your story: clockwork orange. It's a great Kubrick movie and an excellent book, too -- if you get a chance, go for one or both of them.

I am so enjoying these stories! :popcorn:
</comments>

[maddog]

One day, as I was out :feedingbirds: , I got a :crazy2: idea. What if people could :fly2: ? You know, not airplanes or anything, but just :fly2: . So I started working on an invention to do just that. I went to :saotome: to set up a secret lab, because it seemed so out-of-the-way. I had to :camouflage: my laboratory so no one would find out. After long experimentation, I finally figured out how to :fly2: . For my first test, I would :fly2: to :england: ; it seemed like a good destination, and there would be a large public there to impress. All went well on the long trip, though I was exhausted by the time :england: came into sight. At the last minute, on the approach to London, disaster struck! :egad: ! I had forgotten to take account of the airplane traffic in and out of Heathrow! I was :Behindthe ; a crash was imminent! I :fly2: into a :crazy2: spin and flamed out. They sent the :firstaid: workers to the crash site, where they found me :sobbing: . After my crash, I went :crazy2: and spent the rest of my days in St. James's park, :feedingbirds: .

#31

[beyelzu]

One day, as I was out :feedingbirds: , I got a :crazy2: idea. What if people could :fly2: ? You know, not airplanes or anything, but just :fly2: . So I started working on an invention to do just that. I went to :saotome: to set up a secret lab, because it seemed so out-of-the-way. I had to :camouflage: my laboratory so no one would find out. After long experimentation, I finally figured out how to :fly2: . For my first test, I would :fly2: to :england: ; it seemed like a good destination, and there would be a large public there to impress. All went well on the long trip, though I was exhausted by the time :england: came into sight. At the last minute, on the approach to London, disaster struck! :egad: ! I had forgotten to take account of the airplane traffic in and out of Heathrow! I was :Behindthe ; a crash was imminent! I :fly2: into a :crazy2: spin and flamed out. They sent the :firstaid: workers to the crash site, where they found me :sobbing: . After my crash, I went :crazy2: and spent the rest of my days in St. James's park, :feedingbirds: .

#31



good one, plus all the flying smilies look way cool on the page.

[Ymir's blood]

Yeah, the synchonized flapping is cool, in a trippy sort of way.

[viscousmemories]

Another fine story. Thanks maddog. :)

[beyelzu]

i thought I would dust off this thread as we have even more smilies now.

I was playing with my chemistry set :testtube: when a ninja broke in to the lab :chucks: demanding that I give up my secret formula for the perfect screw driver. :stalling: for time I tried to interest him in a group hug :squeeze:, He said do I look :stupid:" I was :blush: to admit that he did indeed look kind of like corky from life goes on. I picked up a club and went all medieval on his ass :viking:. I ran outside and got in my car. As he came outside, I laughed at him and waved :hisign: and then :fuming: I ran the bastard over.


sadly, it is going to cost me a couple of hundred dollars to fix the ninja shaped dent in my :fender: but the secret of 3 parts grey goose or skyy vodka to one part orange pineapple juice remains safe and secret.

fuck, did I say that last part out loud??

[maddog]

i thought I would dust off this thread as we have even more smilies now.

. . . but the secret of 3 parts grey goose or skyy vodka to one part orange pineapple juice remains safe and secret.

fuck, did I say that last part out loud??
:roflmao: :biglaugh: :hysteric: :happy:
#63

[Lauri D]

How does one go about getting these "10 random smilies"? I am apparently mentally challenged here :blush:

BUT I WANNA DO A STORY!!! :muahaha:

[beyelzu]

click on more and then on the bottom drop box pick 10 random smilies

[maddog]

Aw, honey, it's ok. You click on the [More] smilies link. It brings up a "smilie" window. On the third button from the top "Search type" you press the button to choose from "any" "all" or "10 random" smilies. Press "search" and, voila! there you have 'em!
#64

[Lauri D]

:blush: :blush: :blush: Thanks guys,... :blush: :blush: :blush:

[maddog]

Where story?!? Gib it to me!!

#65

[Lauri D]

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy and wanted to :kiss3: For a time, she was practically :tigger: with happpiness with their relationship. But one fateful day, she found some things that made her go :hrm: and she came to discover that he had decided to :screw: her. Her visceral response was :qugh:

For a few weeks, she :snorkel: in large vats of vodka and distracted herself with :gnoshing: She observed others in seemingly happy unions, a guilty :voyeur: , and came to the conclusion that she was unlucky in love.

Furthermore, she realized that she was so utterly incompetent that she couldn't for the love of cheese figure out the meaning of :tomservo: and :statue: / However, this realization spurred her with renewed vigor toward the goal of finding 10 random smilies that she could successfully weave into a tale worth reading. :yup:

[beyelzu]

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy and wanted to :kiss3: For a time, she was practically :tigger: with happpiness with their relationship. But one fateful day, she found some things that made her go :hrm: and she came to discover that he had decided to :screw: her. Her visceral response was :qugh:

For a few weeks, she :snorkel: in large vats of vodka and distracted herself with :gnoshing: She observed others in seemingly happy unions, a guilty :voyeur: , and came to the conclusion that she was unlucky in love.

Furthermore, she realized that she was so utterly incompetent that she couldn't for the love of cheese figure out the meaning of :tomservo: and :statue: / However, this realization spurred her with renewed vigor toward the goal of finding 10 random smilies that she could successfully weave into a tale worth reading. :yup:


nice story, not a mst3k fan I take it?

[Lauri D]

Where story?!? Gib it to me!!

#65 :roflmao: It gets me every time!

/me wipes a tear of laughter from her eye

bey, I don't know what mst3k is? :blush:

[viscousmemories]

Here is everything I know:

mst3k = Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (funny show where puppets mock b-movies)

guano = bat shit

[beyelzu]

Where story?!? Gib it to me!!

#65 :roflmao: It gets me every time!

* Lauri D wipes a tear of laughter from her eye

bey, I don't know what mst3k is? :blush:
mystery science theatre 3000, it was a show that showed shitty movies with three people making smartass funny comments. it was the sith

tom servo was one of the people making the funny comments.

[xorbie]

This one day, I was just :eh?: while :laundry: in :kiribati: when I saw a beautiful :belly: from :cherokeenation: . I had :butterfly in my stomach, but she came to me and said :qhelp: . It turns out she had been to a restaraunt, but the :meatcook: had server her :gopher: , which she was allergic to. So we hopped in my :convertible: and I took her to the hospital.

[Corona688]

One day I decided to go to :botswana:. My friend was like :saywhat: :noway: but I :slap: then got :pizza: and he was convinced. We hit the town and :friday: It was all fun and games 'till someone lit a :menorah: and we freaked out, running like hell until we passed out. I woke up alone in :bed:. Was it all a weird dream?

[Skep]

Many years ago during my return voyage from :southafrica: I met a nice girl from :italy:. For me it was :kiss3: at first sight but she didn't know I was alive. I :? trying to think of a way to get her to notice me short of :fuel: or :blowhorn:. I decided to send her some :fl14:s with a note asking her for a date. She accepted and we went out that night and got :drunk2: and had hot sex. The ship's captain married us and nine months later the :storkboy: delivered us a bouncing baby boy who grew up thinking he was :nap:.

The End.

[livius drusus]

Your son's personality disorder is just adorable, Skeptoid. Gentlemen, great work. Please keep it up. :appl:

[maddog]

As I was walking down the street, I met someone in a :foilhat: . " :oman: ," I thought to myself, he could be a nutjob. Just in case, I readied my trusty :baseball: :bat:. Cool as a :cucumber: (I'm from :iceland: ), I said, " :qhi: " as I strolled past. With eyes like green :tennisball: :tennisball: , he gave a vacant, :cheerful:, but paid no attention to me. Phew! I didn't have to be a hero in a :whitehat: .



"I'm the Monica Seles of :baseball: , and the Babe Ruth of :tennisball: ."

#87

[beyelzu]

As I was walking down the street, I met someone in a :foilhat: . " :oman: ," I thought to myself, he could be a nutjob. Just in case, I readied my trusty :baseball: :bat:. Cool as a :cucumber: (I'm from :iceland: ), I said, " :qhi: " as I strolled past. With eyes like green :tennisball: :tennisball: , he gave a vacant, :cheerful:, but paid no attention to me. Phew! I didn't have to be a hero in a :whitehat: .



"I'm the Monica Seles of :baseball: , and the Babe Ruth of :tennisball: ."

#87

love the oh man and baseball bat.

[viscousmemories]

love the oh man and baseball bat
Me too. Great story, maddog. :)

[maddog]

One day, I was feeling so depressed, it seemed I had a :rainy: . I gave a :deepsigh: and tried to figure out what to do to cheer myself up. I went to shoot hoops. After a lot of, :baskball: , I started to feel a lot better. Then, all at once, I saw this :girl: !!! I couldn't believe my eyes, she was so beautiful, she was the :catsmeow:, a real :tomato: !! I strolled up and said, "hi, are you hungry? I could take you home and :fiji: something." Quicker than a flash of lightning, she knocked me flat as a :pancake: . :shhh: , if you tell anybody I got beat up by a :girl: , I'll have to shoot you with my :lasergun: !!!

#88

[livius drusus]

:chuckle: Another brilliant use of the durned flags. Great job, maddog.

[viscousmemories]

Another fine story, maddog. :appl:

[maddog]

Once upon a time, a lonely :madhat: decided to go out on a Friday night. He went to a really cool joint, where a :band: was playing. The sound was great! The :madhat: got so carried away, he nudged the :seacaptain: next to him, and shouted, "Shake :djibouti: !!" The :seacaptain: was incensed; he and the :madhat: began to :argue: . Push, came to shove, came to blows. "Hurts, :donut: ?" snarled the :seacaptain: . The :fight: turned into an all-out brawl. The :madhat: knew that beating the :seacaptain: was out of the :q?: ; besides, they both got :out: of the club. "I guess I'll stick to :golf:" moped the sadder, but wiser, :madhat: .

#90

[Lauri D]

:roflmao: - great use of the flag there, maddog. :biglaugh:

[pescifish]

And the :donut: !

[maddog]

Once upon a time, there was a :pengy: in Antarctica. He was sad that his tuxedo was so useless there. One day, his :fairy: godmother visited him, and said she would grant him any wish he desired. He wished for a big night on the town as a real person. Poof! He was changed into a man in Manhattan. He got ready for the big night. First, he bathed :bath: and brushed his teeth :brush: . Then he got all dressed up, in a genuine tuxedo, :hattie: . He went to a huge club where there was a big drinking party :spew: going on. All of a sudden, there was a huge :ninja: attack; they all fired their assault rifles :assault: and held up everyone in the place!! Poof! The :pengy: was back in Antarctica, restored to his natural form. He was so thankful to be back home that he gave a big :grouphug: to all his fellow :pengy: 's. "Thanks, :fairy: godmother," he said, happily, and gave her a big :glomp2: .

THE END.

#95

[maddog]

After the election in the :peach: state of Georgia, I attended a gigantic :protest: to protest the voting irregularities: hanging :chad: 's and :monkey: ing around with the ballots. We all got arrested and tossed in the pokey! We were kept in Guantanamo without notice, bail or charges. On the :oneyear: of our incarceration, the :kangaroo: court gave us a choice of prison, or serving in the military. I chose the Navy; the worst part was the salt water in the showers. It always left me so :itchyscratchy: . I got a :cherry: assignment on a submarine as a :sonar: technician, although I often had to pull an :sleepy: watching the stupid blips go round and round. One day, I saw one of the dots moving ... really fast! ... right toward

#99

[maddog]

:batman: and :spidey: went to the Superheroes' Holiday Party. :dammitsign: , sighed :spidey: , "the trouble with being a superhero is that there are so few women at the party!" :batman: shrugged. "I don't know, I could kinda :gopher: :superman: ; he's so sexy in those tights, and he wears a cape, like I do!" :batman: swaggered over and asked :superman: if he wanted to :waltz: . :superman: turned red as a :lobster: . " :batman: ," he said, "you're :crackup: . I'd sooner dance with a :grey: than a fat old buffoon like you!" He turned on his heel and flew over to the other side of the ballroom. "Yeah, well," :batman: groused sourly, "Give me :feedback: ; tell me how you REALLY feel!"

#106

[livius drusus]

Damn, maddog... You're like a smiley collage artist or something. Most excellent. :bow:

[One for Sorrow]

After years of :kssmyass: at work, followed by a bit more :kssmyass: and some ass kissing, I was given a plane ticket and told to spend a week in the delightful nation of :lithuania:.

"At last, all of my hard work :kssmyass: has paid off!" I thought gleefully, smirking at all my lazy ass :hippie: coworkers who had clearly not done as fine a job of :kssmyass: as I had. I had no reason to suspect that I was in for anything other than a week of of :relax: and :gnoshing:.

After checking an atlas to ensure that :lithuania: was in the northern hemisphere and that I wouldn't have to deal with any backwards flushing toilets or any of the backwards crazy people who live on the world's bottom, I boarded the plane with confidence. Imagine my surprise when I entered the airport terminal and found few happy :hippie:s, and that my "God Bless America" t-shirt was drawing quite a few angry :glare:. I quickly realized that there may be a lot less :gnoshing: than I had expected. Nevertheless, I decided to make the most of it, but donned a :foilhat: , just in case.

I'll spare you most of the details of that week, but suffice it to say that it ended with me being :maul:ed by a somewhat grumpy, slack-jowled Soviet :dawg: and with my :foilhat: being stolen right off of my head. I wasn't about to turn tail and run back home, whimpering and peeing on myself. So, after that hat-swiping incident, what did I do?

:hatsteal:

That's right, folks! Now I'm on the receiving end of :kssmyass:. It's a wonderful life!

:relax:

[maddog]

Fractured Smilie Tales


'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the garret,
not a creature was stirring, not even a :ferret2:
All the :wookie: s were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of :david: s danced in their heads.
I gave my SO a :hug: and took off my cap
And we both snuggled in for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and the
SPANISH INQUISITION?!!!
:spanishinq:

Away to the rooftop like coursers they flew,
With a sleighful of torture equipment and a :king: or 2 too.

As I drew in my head and was turning arounce
Down the chimney they came with a huge :techno:
With my hearbeat :beating: fairly bursting my chest
I could hardly wait to see what they would do next.

They sat around for awhile drinking coffee and reading the paper, :coffeepaper:
And then decided they'd had enough of this little caper.
They left everyone a stack of gridirons and racks,
And took away all our toys and games in their little sacks.
They each put a thumb up to their nose,
As if to say "Up yours!" before up the chimney they rose.

Once they all got back on board their sleigh,
They pummeled one another before they could get underway.
I saw them shake their fists and heard them exclaim as they flew out of sight,
"Curses! :tuvalu: for now! We'll get you next time, all right!"

#120

[Ymir's blood]

Once there was a :dominicanrepublic: priest named Santiago. As a reward for his many years of dedicated service, he was awarded a postion as special :unitednations: envoy to :northernireland: . His career was cut short by scandal however, when he was caught on a :datedrnk: with a :playboy: bunny. Finding himself between :iraq:and a hard place, he took a teaching postion at :Hokie:, where his students liked to load his :umbrella: with :lemon: as a practical joke. His only response was to say :qwow:, that's a lot of damn flags.

[livius drusus]

OfS, I didn't know it was possible to use so many ass-kissing smilies in one post. Great work.

maddog, I think you may be a flag savant. Outstanding.

Ymir's Blood, you and maddog should collaborate on an all flag story sometimes. Until then, I'm just thrilled to see you back. :hug:

[maddog]

Me and Julio Down at the Schoolyard


On the first day of high school, while I was sitting out on the quad :freezing: my you-know-what off, I was feeling really anxious and aggravated about this new experience. Some cowardly :nerd: fired off a :sling: at me. Serious mistake! He messed with the wrong guy! I went after him with fists blazing, and pounded his head into the sidewalk like I was beating :drums: . He was left with his :pant: and looking as if his head would :explode: . Afterward we became friends. "Hello" I said, and introduced myself formally, "I'm :dominicanrepublic: ." " :qhi:, Dominic," he said as we shook hands. "Republic," he mused, "that's not a common last name." "Well," I shrugged, "it's a little more common than you might think. Maybe you know my cousins, Banana and Czech?" Anyway, we've been pals since then and now we're about to :graduate:. You just never know how things are :ghana: turn out!

#125

[maddog]

A cute little :bunny: was hopping down the bunny trail in :equatorialguinea: , and decided to investigate a villager's garden. She nibbled on some cabbage and went over to another plant with bright red fruit. "That looks yummy," she said and took a big chomp of :chilipepper: ! "Yeooww!!", she :yell: , "I want my :mummy: !!" She hopped around madly, trying to extinguish the furnace in her poor bunny mouth. Suddenly, :tink: appeared, and with her magic wand, took away the pain. The bunny was so happy, she sat up and wiggled her ears. "Oh, thank you, :tink: ," she exclaimed gratefully, giving :tink: a big :1thumbup: . "You're welcome," said :tink: , and flitted away. " :norway: will I ever eat :chilipepper: any :moe: !" the bunny said to herself. As she went off to explore the garden some more. She came across an odd earthen jar buried in the ground. The lid was loose. The bunny looked inside and saw something that sure looked like cabbage . . . so she decided to sample some. Oh no! It was :southkorea: n kim chee, fermenting with spiced :chilipepper: !
#271

[Ymir's blood]

There was this guy, :apu: who thought that the Brady Bunch :mosaic: movie deserved an Oscar. :oscarwin: You, think he's :kookoo:, right? Well that's probably true. They say he lost his head :behead: back in the eighties after watching the original :grinch: cartoon while tripping :woohoo: out on LSD that had been slipped into his :friedchicken:. He spent five years trying to ferret out Chinese spies :yessir: in the porn industry. Imagine his surprise when he found one. :scared2:

[Legs]

Once upon a time... as all good stories start :popcorn: there was a unassuming little fella :oldman: named Noah

Now it seems :oldman: fancied himself a a good :chop: and amature :pirate:

So it was really no surprise that when one day when the sky began to :cloud: :clouds: and the :rainy: began to fall that an :preach: appeared and assigned :oldman: a cool job.


The :preach: commanded


"Build a :titanic: and save all the :platypus: :pancakebunny: :chinch: from the great :rainy: "


So without delay (well except for :sex: )



:oldman: and his :oldlady: got to :chop: in the pouring :rainy:



When the :titanic: was finally complete the :intherain: was getting really bad



So :oldman: and :oldlady:quickly started to :nethen: every animal they could



:eleride: :eleride: Two by Two


:ferret2: :ferret2: :bat: :bat: :mousie: :mousie: :snail: :snail:
:bcow: :bcow: :beagle: :beagle: :doggies: :turtle: :turtle:

they loaded the :titanic: (only stopping to :sheepshag: and :sex: ) and then they were on their way.


:intherain: :rainy: :titanic: :rainy: :intherain:


Days, weeks and months passed and the :titanic: was so full of animal :joust:
it could barely float


:oldman: started shovelling the :joust: over the side as quickly as he could


The more shit that :oldman: shovelled - the more :joust: the animals produced,


Soon it was a huge mass of :joust: in the middle of the vast ocean


The :suncloud: :coolsun: :suncloud: came out and shown bright and strong and the huge mass of shit dried and hardened.

A thousand or so years later in the country of :david:

an :skipper: by the name of Christopher Columbus left to explore the seven seas.


He sailed :skipper: and sailed until one day he happened upon this huge pile of dried shit that :oldman: had shovelled over the side of the :titanic:


:skipper: was astounded at the size of this pile of shit in the middle of nowhere and decided to call it.... America.


Fini :wave:

[maddog]

Not 'zackly "random," Legs, but teh funnay! :D

Yours was very good, too, Ymir's blood. I especially liked the denoument!
#282

[wei yau]

Because I'm feeling silly and bored at work....

Sam was in a deep sleep....

:bed:



...when he was rudely woken up by his roommate

:wakeup:



At some point during his shower, Sam realized his roomate was a bit of an asshole.

:shower:



Sam decided that this situation could no longer be tolerated.

:nojustno:

[livius drusus]

I like it! :thumbup:

[maddog]

Ooh, eldar. I can't wait for the next chapter in Sam's adventures! :popcorn:
#296

[wei yau]

Nothing to see here, move along....

:miranda:

[wei yau]

Sam confronts his roommmate

Sam found his roommate having breakfast, so he sat down with a cup of coffee, unsure of how to approach the topic.

:eating: :saddrunk:



Sam got up and started to pace. His roommate barely looked up from his paper; "What's your problem?"

:coffeepaper: :worry:




Sam replied; "Bob, I don't think this is working out". Bob reacted in his usual caustic fashion; "Oh, what is it now?"

:sigh: :yawn:



Sam got angry; "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about!" Bob remained his usual dismissive self.

:shakefist: :blahblah:



Sam began to shout; "I am sick and tired of the way you treat me."

:rant:



"You keep annoying me when I work!"

:annoy:



"I think you stole my money!"

:pick:



"You made fun of my Halloween costume!"

:dieclown:



"And what's with kicking me in the balls all the time?!?"

:balls:



Sam couldn't continue...

:tired:



Bob's reaction was typical..."That was some performance there, buddy."

:woopdedo:

[livius drusus]

Masterful. More! More! :appl:

[Crumb]

:bow2: :bow2: :bow2:

I am in awe Eldar!

[maddog]

Lovely, lovely!
More, more! :clap: :cheer:
#299

[wei yau]

Sam tries to cool off

Sam was actually scared at how angry he was getting. He stormed out of the house.

:scared2:



The only thing that would soothe his nerves was some shopping.

:shopping:



He visited the local haberdashery to try on some hats. There were so many to choose from.

:chin:



Too childish

:propeller:



Too big

:lowhat:



Too formal

:hattie:



Too busy

:muskteer:



Awful case of "hat hair"

:tiphat2:



PERFECT!

:asshat:

[livius drusus]

I saw it coming and I still laughed out loud. You rule, eldar. :worship:

[wei yau]

:unitedstates: :plane: :hongkong:

:shopping: :date: :camera: :gnoshing: :snapshot: :datedrnk: :takepic: :museum: :picture: :holdhand: :shopping:

( :bmissing: :ff: )

:hongkong: :plane: :unitedstates:

:fflove: :MM: :welcome3:

:ffdance: :control: :posting: :snapshot:

:waiting: :waiting:

[livius drusus]

:glomp2:

[Crumb]

Hey welcome back Eldar. :cheerful:

You should have put this in MY smiley thread though. :P

[wei yau]

You've got like a million smiley threads. Which specific one are you referring?

[Crumb]

Heh. True. I was refering to Comminicate with smilies only.

[wei yau]

D'oh!

That's actually the one I remembered while searching for a suitable thread. I just mis-remembered the actual nature of the thread.

[Crumb]

:yup:

[PinkRose]

:pickle:

[Ymir's blood]

Many years ago there was a cad masquerading as a :gentle:, as they often do. Now this bad character was an expert on everything from :newton: to cooking :friedegg: but he only thought he was a ladies man. One day, after being rebuffed by a group of :cancan2: the fiend attempted to perpetrate a most foul crime, stealling the dancers' life savings.

His plan called for slipping a Schlitz Malt Liquor into their dressing room and while the :bull: rampaged, he would slip in and abscond with the cash. Unfortunately for the scoundrel, he was unaware of the quick reflexes of :cancan2:. Their leader, Rikki ':tiki:' McTavvie, took the :bull: by the horns and called on every ounce of her :flex:. Quicker than you could :tiphat:, the bull flew out the door, impaling the late protagonist of our tale.

The first person upon the scene was Rikki's friend and admirer, Biff the :fireman: . He attempted CPR on the bull, but there was nothing left to do but :eeklaugh:.

The End.

[wei yau]

Friends, Romans, country men...
:caesar:





Excuse me, but we have a surprise for you

:welcome2:





:socrates: :liberty: :arch: :erato: :ettu:




WTF?
:cbird:




What's wrong?
:wha: :cbird:




What's up with the last statue over there?
:cbird: :whatthe:




Which one again?
:scratch: :cbird:




The one on the end! The one of me with all those frickin' knives sticking out of my back!!!
:cangry: :shiftier: :search: :eh?: :confused: :?





This one! Right below me! Do you see it now motherfuckers!
:caesar2: :ettu:




Ohhh...that one. Yeah, we see it now
:heh:





:mob: :cohnoes: :mobber: :mobber: :mobber:

[Leesifer]

Very good

:clap:

[Crumb]

Brilliant work wei yau!

[livius drusus]

/me wipes away a tear.

Beautiful. Just beautiful. :bow:

[Legs]

very cute :laugh: wei yau

[Legs]

:wakeup:

:coffeepaper:

:inmycar:

:overwork:

:coffeemug: :donut:

:overwork:

:plzhold:

:overwork:

:doordate:

:q?:
:whatthe:

:doordate:

:?

:bouquet:

for me???
:wriggle:

:aww:

:bloom: :bloom: :lovesme: :bloom: :bloom:

:cheerful:

:thankyou:

:overwork:

:inmycar:

:recline: