Self-deprecation

[justaman]

A Brit wanders into a doctor's office and says, "Look here, no one will give me work as a labourer because they all think I'm too smart, is there anything you can do?"

"Why, yes," responds the doctor. "We can remove half of your brain so that you will have the intelligence of an Irishman, and can be gainfully employed as a labourer.

"Perfect," replies the Brit. "I'll have it."

He receives the surgery and he wakes up to see the doctor.

"I'm afraid there's been a complication," the doctor informed him. "Unfortunately we sort of botched the operation and removed your brain entirely."

Responds the Brit:

"Crikey, are you bloody fair-dinkum?! Bloody hell, mate!"

[livius drusus]

:australia: :mock:

[Legs]

:giggle:

[Petra]

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

[Petra]

Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.

[Petra]

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

[Petra]

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

[Petra]

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!

[Petra]

I'm on a roll, folks; I could be here all day. :rimshot:



Even if I am on my own. Where'd justaman go? :sadcheer:

[justaman]

:happy:

centrelink was especially gold :D

[Petra]

I know. We don't have Centrelink here. :laugh:

[justaman]

I don't know any other anti-australian jokes. I only even knew that one because my upstart british exchange WO2 thought he'd be funny this morning. :hm:

[Petra]

And funny he was - that was hilarious! :bow:




A man walked into the produce section of a supermarket in Sydney and asked to buy "half" a head of luttuce. The Kiwi lad working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of luttuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "some arsehole wants to buy a half a head of luttuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager sought out the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?
"Wellington, New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, because there's nothing over there but whores and rugby players."
"Really!" said the manager, brusquely. "My wife is a Kiwi!"
The boy replied ... " No shit??? Who did she play for?"

[Jesus Christ]

What's the first thing a Kiwi teen says after losing her virginity?
Get off me dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

[BigBlue2]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, having a beer and a smoko on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Mike, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What in your son's name is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I will also make them super-human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

[Petra]

:laugh:


Nice one, BB2! :sistine:

[Petra]

What's the first thing a Kiwi teen says after losing her virginity?
Get off me dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Awwh! That's so old!

[BigBlue2]

:laugh:


Nice one, BB2! :sistine:
:thankee:

You're in pretty good form yourself today :clap: