Can we have a thread for just jokes?

[happykat]

Or thas that been done? Knowing you guys, the answer is yes....but no matter!

WAR WITH FRANCE
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.

I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news!

How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub.

That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on.

We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.

" Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy.

"I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!

We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.

"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.

My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac.

"Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 FRENCH prisoners."

[Legs]

there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 FRENCH prisoners."

:laugh:

Unfortunately, and Widget will back me up here... I couldn't tell a joke to save my life :sadcheer: but I'm all for a joke thread. :yup:

[username]

Unfortunately, and Widget will back me up here... I couldn't tell a joke to save my life :sadcheer: but I'm all for a joke thread. :yup:

You and me both, the best I can do is relate this story about a skeleton who walked into a bar and said "Give me a beer and a mop."

Or this one: How do you break a polock's finger? Punch him in the nose.

I just heard both tonite or wouldn't recall either.

[livius drusus]

I too have a joke disability, so I had to look for one on the web. I know, I know... It's very lame and I should be ashamed.

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?

Her ankles swell up when she farts.

[Legs]

Holy cow liv, that is bad.

What did pescifish say when she was swimming along and ran into a brick wall?

She said Dam!

[Slokenin]

Two Kerrymen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head
to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll Take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and
Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to
drive to the top of the Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass,Gerry looks down at the
1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off
the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy
shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

PART TWO: Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Conor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the
edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in
the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a
parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun
and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits
the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head
and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"


PART THREE: Paddy is just getting over the shock ofloosing two friends when
Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag
out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
Down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "FFirst der was Gerry with his budgie
jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og and his fook'n
hengliding!" :yay:

[Slokenin]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you
to
make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after
all you're the guv'

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not
just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I
fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to
fill
it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to
wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you
want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check".

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the
end of his tether..


"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark". :atom:

[Dingfod]

/me groans

[Legs]

Warren, this is the joke thread, not the sexuality forum

[Dingfod]

:glare:

[Legs]

Don't you :glare: at me, Mister! :glare:

[Slokenin]

An Essex girl goes into the dry cleaners and puts a sexy little black dress on the counter, turning to leave she says I will collect it tomorrow the old guy behind the counter cups his hand to his ear and says, come again!

no she says just mayonaise this time, :leak:

[livius drusus]

Okay that one made me :giggle:.

[ceptimus]

Another pet shop/parrot joke. This one is of the Christmas Cracker variety.

Customer: I want to buy a parrot please.

Shopkeeper: Right. These here are fifty dollars, and those up there are seventy.

Customer: Why are those more expensive?

Shopkeeper: They're on higher perches.

<hr>

A better one that someone posted on here (I think) a while back, but I can't be arsed to search for it.

A man goes up to a woman in a pub and says, "Excuse me, can I smell your cunt?"

The woman is outraged. "Certainly not!" she replies.

"Ah... right.", says the man, "It must be your feet then."

:rimshot:

[BigBlue2]

A recent Scottish immigrant to the USA attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk, the Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

:rimshot:

[The Lone Ranger]

When I was 12, I came up with this joke:

"What's a geologist's favorite song?"
Like a Limestone Cowboy

I never said it was any good, mind you.

Cheers,

Michael

[justaman]

What's red and bounces along behind a train?

A miscarriage

:)

[Legs]

:blah: