Men who don't know they are fathers

[HelenM]

From another thread: I've never known my y donor.

It's better left alone.

Evidently that man's genes and the man who raised you as his son were better than he was.

Helen

I don't see how you can make this conclusion from the information given. It could easily be the case that the "y donor" does not know that he made a donation.

If he was there he had to know it was a possibility and if he didn't try to ascertain whether he had, I consider that irresponsible.

If he was lied to, then, yes, it's not his fault that he didn't know.

But my belief is that in most cases where the father doesn't know, his lack of knowledge is due to a lack of responsibility on his part.

What do others think? Is it unwarranted of me to think a man who fathers a child and doesn't know it irresponsible, in the absence of mitigating circumstances and to think that mitigating circumstances don't apply in most instances?

Helen

[godfry n. glad]

I think you're leaving out of the picture the possibility that he may not know he's the father because she did not tell him....most probably because she's not sure.

Responsibility cuts both ways.

godfry

[Godless Dave]

I think in most cases you're right, Helen, but not all. Condoms can fail, unfortunately. Once in a while women get pregnant while on the pill. Some women will even lie about being on the pill.

Say, why do I keep getting these letters from attorneys?

[Dingfod]

Once in a while women get pregnant while on the pill. Some women will even lie about being on the pill.No kidding. In know that first hand... twice.

[viscousmemories]

If he was there he had to know it was a possibility and if he didn't try to ascertain whether he had, I consider that irresponsible.
I don't really see it that way at all. The only way I'm aware of that a man can ascertain whether a woman he had sex with got pregnant is for her to tell him. And I have never thought it would be necessary for me to ask someone I have sex with if they got pregnant. I have always assumed she'd let me know if she did.

If he was lied to, then, yes, it's not his fault that he didn't know.

But my belief is that in most cases where the father doesn't know his lack of knowledge is due to a lack of responsibility on his part.
I would say it's the opposite. In most cases if a man doesn't know it's because the woman didn't tell him. I really don't see why it should be the man's responsibility to ask after every sexual encounter, nor can I imagine why any woman would expect him to.

What do others think? Is it unwarranted of me to think a man who fathers a child and doesn't know it irresponsible, in the absence of mitigating circumstances and to think that mitigating circumstances don't apply in most instances?
Well unless you're counting the woman not saying anything about it as a mitigating circumstance that doesn't apply in most instances, I'd have to say I disagree. If you are counting that as a mitigating circumstance that doesn't count in most instances I'd have to disagree with that too.

[pescifish]

What do others think? Is it unwarranted of me to think a man who fathers a child and doesn't know it irresponsible, in the absence of mitigating circumstances and to think that mitigating circumstances don't apply in most instances?
If both parties mutually agree to a one night stand and the man used a condom or the woman insisted she had other means of protection and the union resulted in pregnancy and birth, I don't fault the man one bit. The woman still has the choice to tell or not tell him, to have the child or not have the child. In a situation where they both agree it's a one shot deal and they both attempted birth control, how can he be irresponsible if he doesn't know about it?

However, I had a friend who told me how a 'responsible' guy could still make an effort to know: he explained that he had never had sex with a woman he didn't know well enough to be able to still know her months later. If any woman he'd had sex with had been pregnant or had a kid after the appropriate amount of time, he would have confronted her.