I need spoilers, and fast...

[Bella]

I'm making a Christmas present for a friend of mine. He's a big troll of a guy (think Gimli, only six feet tall) and gets all screamy-girly whenever someone starts talking about a film - even one he's already seen - and accidentally gives the plot away.

So, my Christmas present to him is going to be a little book full of spoilers. One or two sentences, and then the title of the movie it is from. I haven't seen a lot of films, so my contributions to this book will be small.

If you could please post a spoiler and then the name of the film, I'd really appreciate it. It can be mainstream, obscure, new, old, independant, foreign, I don't care. Anything is appreciated.

[beyelzu]

verbal kent is kaiser soze. also, the whole movie didnt actually occur, kaiser lied about probably everything.


the usual suspects

[beyelzu]

in the Sixth Sense,

Bruce Willis's character is dead and has been since the beginning of the movie. Notice how nobody except the boy actually talks to him.

[livius drusus]

The one-armed man actually did it.
-- The Fugitive

Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father.
-- The Empire Strikes Back

Messala didn't hate Ben Hur; he was totally in love with him and just couldn't take the rejection.
-- Ben Hur

Rhet Butler leaves Scarlett O'Hara.
-- Gone With the Wind

Everyone is a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.
-- The Breakfast Club

Gwyneth Paltrow's head is in the fucking box.
-- Seven

Ingrid Bergman chooses the gay French dude over Humphrey Bogart.
-- Casablanca

Sean Young is the kidnapper. And a man.
-- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective



That's all I've got right now, but here's a tip for you. Click on Thread Tools - Show Printable Version or Download This Thread for a quick an easy way to line up all the posts.

[viscousmemories]

The film: No Way Out
Starring: Gene Hackman, Kevin Costner, Sean Young
The Spoiler: Kevin Costner is Russian operative Yuri!

[lisarea]

Citizen Kane: Rosebud is a sled.

Fight Club: Tyler Durden is a doppelganger.

I guess those are the only two movies I've ever seen, because that's all I can think of.

[seebs]

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I should totally not have opened this thread.

[lisarea]

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I should totally not have opened this thread.

Sorry, Seebs!

Citizen Kane is still worth watching. I swear.

[seebs]

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I should totally not have opened this thread.

Sorry, Seebs!

Citizen Kane is still worth watching. I swear.

Seen that already, but not, let's see, Sixth Sense, whatever it is that has Kaiser Soze, ... Bleah!

But I'll live.

[beyelzu]

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I should totally not have opened this thread.

Sorry, Seebs!

Citizen Kane is still worth watching. I swear.

Seen that already, but not, let's see, Sixth Sense, whatever it is that has Kaiser Soze, ... Bleah!

But I'll live.
shit I am sorry, I didnt think to use a spoiler tag because the thread was about spoilers. fuck I am sorry man.

[Dingfod]

The pirates are dead.

The twins get separated but don't get over it.

Mr. Black is Death.

[livius drusus]

I really don't get that whole freaking out at spoilers thing. Surely you don't go to a movie just to see how it ends, right? I mean, how could knowing one thing about so materially damage the entire experience?

The dog gets rablies and the kid has to shoot him in the head.
-- Old Yeller

[Cool Hand]

Chief speaks.
--One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

She's a he.
--The Crying Game

It's the stamp.
--Charade

Cool Hand

[beyelzu]

The pirates are dead.

The twins get separated but don't get over it.

Mr. Black is Death.
I know two of them

the Pirates of the Caribean and Meet Joe Black or whatever but what is the middle one from?

[lisarea]

I really don't get that whole freaking out at spoilers thing. Surely you don't go to a movie just to see how it ends, right? I mean, how could knowing one thing about so materially damage the entire experience?

Well, some movies do largely rely on a plot twist to make them interesting. Sucky movies more often than good ones, but sometimes, the twist does add something to the experience. Also, most movies suck, so you have to take what you can get, you know?


The dog gets rablies and the kid has to shoot him in the head.
-- Old Yeller

COOL! Does his head explode like in scanners? What's rablies? Is that part cool, too?

I remembered another one.

Shane. Shane goes off to die.

[beyelzu]

I really don't get that whole freaking out at spoilers thing. Surely you don't go to a movie just to see how it ends, right? I mean, how could knowing one thing about so materially damage the entire experience?

The dog gets rablies and the kid has to shoot him in the head.
-- Old Yeller
you mean the dog doesnt make it???

that just isnt fair,

seriously, old yeller, still brings a tear to my eye when I watch it.

[beyelzu]

I really don't get that whole freaking out at spoilers thing. Surely you don't go to a movie just to see how it ends, right? I mean, how could knowing one thing about so materially damage the entire experience?

Well, some movies do largely rely on a plot twist to make them interesting. Sucky movies more often than good ones, but sometimes, the twist does add something to the experience. Also, most movies suck, so you have to take what you can get, you know?


The dog gets rablies and the kid has to shoot him in the head.
-- Old Yeller

COOL! Does his head explode like in scanners? What's rablies? Is that part cool, too?

I remembered another one.

Shane. Shane goes off to die.


I disagree I think

shane doesnt go off to die, he just leaves to find something else cool to do, his work here is done kind of deal

[beyelzu]

Scream

two of the main characters are the killer, neve campbell's boyfriend and his buddy

[lisarea]

Shane. Shane goes off to die.


I disagree I think

shane doesnt go off to die, he just leaves to find something else cool to do, his work here is done kind of deal

Oh, yeah? Well, after that part you said, he gets rablies and the kid shoots him in the head.

[Scotty]

Frankenstein is not grotesquely deformed!
-Death Race 2000

A computer virus designed by a less advanced species destroys a highly advanced one!
-Independence Day

The aliens are killed by water!
-Signs

The Devil is a homosexual!
-South Park, Bigger Longer and Uncut

The guy fucks a horse, I swear!
-Equus

Demi Moore is the villian!
-Charlies Angles: Full Throttle

You never know what the fuck is in the briefcase!
-Pulp Fiction

The only injury was a bruise on his upper arm!
-The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

It was Sharon Stone!
-Basic Instinct

Nudity could not save this show!
-Showgirls

I COULD GO ON FOR A LONG TIME!
-Scott

:D

[beyelzu]

Shane. Shane goes off to die.


I disagree I think

shane doesnt go off to die, he just leaves to find something else cool to do, his work here is done kind of deal

Oh, yeah? Well, after that part you said, he gets rablies and the kid shoots him in the head.
:D

damn you must have a seriously kickass director's cut

[Dingfod]

Shane. Shane goes off to die.
Bullshit, Shane does not. Shane went to a medicine man he knew in the mountains, got all healed up and returned to the town to set up shop as barkeep, knowing there was a vacancy. Shane and the Starretts form a polyamorous relationship, but not until they send that damn retarded kid off to live with his uncle in Sacramento.

[beyelzu]

Shane. Shane goes off to die.
Bullshit, Shane does not. Shane went to a medicine man he knew in the mountains, got all healed up and returned to the town to set up shop as barkeep, knowing there was a vacancy. Shane and the Starretts form a polyamorous relationship, but not until they send that damn retarded kid off to live with his uncle in Sacramento.
wow, warren, your director's cut is so much more badass than lisarea's director's cut.

[beyelzu]

actually in Pulp Fiction

Butch, Bruce Willis, kills Vincent Vega, Travolta, as vega comes out of the shitter

and

Marcellus Washington gets fucked in the ass by a couple of inbreds

[Dingfod]

Pulp Fiction Marcellus Washington gets fucked in the ass by a couple of inbreds ...and comes out of it a better man.

[lisarea]

Frankenstein is not grotesquely deformed!
-Death Race 2000

Also, if you kill the president, you automatically become the president.

You never know what the fuck is in the briefcase!
-Pulp Fiction

I know what it was. It was a kookalora (http://www.inform.umd.edu/EdRes/Colleges/ARHU/Depts/CompLit/cmltfac/mlifton/.rosebud/Glossary/).

Another one.

Wizard of Oz. It was all just a crazy dream.

Here is one I'm pretty proud of now that I've seen this in the description (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069754/) on IMDB.

You won't see it coming, no matter how good you think you are at predicting plot surprises.

The reason I am proud being that I totally called the whole ending about halfway through the movie, right down the details, including what the final scene would be. I even have at least one witness who can attest to this.

The Baby. The social worker's husband isn't dead. He just got turned into a baby from his accident, so the social worker kills Baby's family and buries them under where she's putting in the pool, then brings Baby home to play with her baby husband, and the movie ends with her watching the two adult babies playing in her new pool. Yes, I called the whole damned thing, which is how fucking hard I rock.

[Dingfod]

You never know what the fuck is in the briefcase!
-Pulp Fiction

I know what it was. It was a kookalora (http://www.inform.umd.edu/EdRes/Colleges/ARHU/Depts/CompLit/cmltfac/mlifton/.rosebud/Glossary/).
No, it was a
MacGuffin (http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mpulpfiction.html)


The Village
Noah did it, but it was the elders that kept everyone in the dark.

[lisarea]

No, it was a
MacGuffin (http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mpulpfiction.html)

Well, now you're just being silly.

Also, I remembered some more.

There were two movies called Lambada. In one of them, the poor but plucky Latino wins the dance contest, showing those arrogant gringos once and for all. In the other one, the poor but plucky Latinos win the Math-Off, showing those arrogant gringos once and for all.

The Thing with Two Heads. They cut Ray Milland's head back off of Rosey Grier and put it back in that baking pan, and then they drive off singing "Oh, Happy Day."

The Atomic Brain. They put the old lady's soul or whatever into a cat.

The Brain that Wouldn't Die. The head lady and the closet monster kill the doctor.

[The Lone Ranger]

Lonely are the Brave:
After Burns spends nearly the entire movie trying to escape the pursuing lawmen, and almost succeeds -- he's hit by a truck.

Battlestar Galactica:
When the Cylons claim they want peace, they're lying.

Jurassic Park:
The dinosaurs get loose and eat a lot of people.

Jaws:
The shark eats Quinn. They needed a bigger boat.

Friday the 13th: Parts 1 - Infinity:
You know when they thought they'd killed Jason? He wasn't really dead.

Excalibur:
Lancelot and Guenivere were having an affair.

Planet of the Apes:
Tyler was on Earth the whole time.

[Dingfod]

No, it was a
MacGuffin (http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mpulpfiction.html)

Well, now you're just being silly.Are you call my dear Uncle Cecil silly? It's a fukken MacGuffin, you ninny, that's what they call it in the movie industry, not some kookyberry or whatever you called it.
gobo
From “go-between.” A mask of some kind, placed between a light source and the subject or a background or whatever.

Gobos are sheets of wood, paper, metal, cardboard, painted glass, etc. with various patterns cut out of them. They thus project interesting patterns or textures of light.

They can also be used to project symbols or letters or whatnot onto a subject - such gobos are sometimes called cookies or cukalorises.

[Scotty]

This is a great thread.

:D

-Scott

[lisarea]

No, it was a
MacGuffin (http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mpulpfiction.html)

Well, now you're just being silly.Are you call my dear Uncle Cecil silly? It's a fukken MacGuffin, you ninny, that's what they call it in the movie industry, not some kookyberry or whatever you called it.
gobo
From “go-between.” A mask of some kind, placed between a light source and the subject or a background or whatever.

Gobos are sheets of wood, paper, metal, cardboard, painted glass, etc. with various patterns cut out of them. They thus project interesting patterns or textures of light.

They can also be used to project symbols or letters or whatnot onto a subject - such gobos are sometimes called cookies or cukalorises.

Well, I understand what you're saying now. You're saying that you are too stupid to understand the difference between a PLOT DEVICE and a PHYSICAL OBJECT, because, like a dog or a rodent, you lack the capacity to grasp abstractions.

I also see now that I further exacerbated your kneejerk fear-based reaction to my being right yet again, by using the impossibly erudite and elite styling kookalora, for the term the rabble refer to as the kookaloris.

I apologize sincerely for accidentally frightening you with my mad skillz and all.

Also, in case you don't know it, that gobo thing means buy one, get one free.

OMFG! I just so totally WIN!

[JoeP]

OMFG! I just so totally WIN!
Holy crap, you can have a spoiler inside another spoiler!

[JoeP]

The aliens are killed by water!
-Signs

The triffids are killed by water!
- Day of the Triffids

[JoeP]

They all did it!
- Murder on the Orient Express
(Yup, guess the movie from the spoiler)

The ancient race was wiped out by their own amazing invention
- Forbidden Planet

Fowler can't actually fly
- Chicken Run

[Dingfod]

OMFG! I just so totally WIN!
Lisa,
Just because you're so dense that solid lead looks like a dainty linen doily doesn't mean you can call me names because I know that the contents of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction was nothing more than a MacGuffin. But, if you insist, it might have been an orange light bulb, which is is not a kookaburra or a bogo at all, just something to represent the MacGuffin.Now, if you can see get over yourself for just a minute you'd admit that I am the winner and you are just a great big loser. heh
I still love you.

But you're wrong.

[JoeP]

The John Travolta character is in fact seven different people
http://img77.exs.cx/img77/354/spoilerbutton.gif

[livius drusus]

Now that was just low, JoeP. :pokes:

[Dingfod]

I fixed it, you rotten bastage:
The John Travolta character is in fact seven different people

http://img77.exs.cx/img77/354/spoilerbutton.gif

[livius drusus]

/me laughs out loud

[Bella]

Now that was just low, JoeP. :pokes:
Yeah, especially since I clicked like, three times before realising my error :).

Keep 'em coming, guys - this is FANTASTIC! Thank you SO much. Also thanks to liv, who so nicely told me how to print out the thread to make cutting/pasting that much easier.

[Dingfod]

Only three times? Geez, you're smart. Way more gooder than me.


I don't even want to say how many times I clicked on that evil Joe's joke spoiler button.

[JoeP]

:innocent2:

[livius drusus]

I said it was the best ending ever, so don't even keep going if you're a spoiler Nazi. I said stop. Now. Last chance. Okay you're screwed. The old projectionist leaves Alfredo a reel combining all the kisses and lustful embraces the priest made him edit out of 20 years of movies.
-- Cinema Paradiso

[beyelzu]

I said it was the best ending ever, so don't even keep going if you're a spoiler Nazi. I said stop. Now. Last chance. Okay you're screwed. The old projectionist leaves Alfredo a reel combining all the kisses and lustful embraces the priest made him edit out of 20 years of movies.
-- Cinema Paradiso
the spoiler is even better with such lead up. I have never heard of the movie but after the third spoiler button I hesitated to go on.

[livius drusus]

the spoiler is even better with such lead up. I have never heard of the movie but after the third spoiler button I hesitated to go on.
It's on my favorite films list in ApostateAbe's thread. Great movie, truly great ending. I defy anyone not to get a lump in his throat watching it.

[LianaLi]

I can't believe no one's gotten to this one yet.

LA Confidential:
The captain is the new mob boss of LA that they have to kill.

[Godfather]

Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith
Yoda farts.

Don't say I didn't warn you.