Nil's little bio -- please read!

[Nil Desperandum]

:wave:

Hi. My name is Chris. Not many of you know me, because I do not post often enough (that will change, but in many, many months). I rather enjoy challenges. II and this board have been one of my greatest challenges I've ever faced, and I'll explain why...

Very briefly, I'm 22. I turn 23 November 10th. Yes, I'm a Scorpio. I'm heavy into Astrology, and while I do not believe that it is the de facto reality for moi, I consider it more of a guiding principle. I can say with confidence that if you are born between October 21st and November 19th, I probably understand you on a deeper level than a complete stranger should. But you understand why. ;)

I live in Colorado Springs. I joined the military August 99, 2 months out of high school. I got 1270 on my SATs, 31 on the ACT, 98/99 on the ASVAB with about every single category above 90% (that is why I ended up joining. The damn recruiter wouldn't leave me alone!). AP Scholar in HS, was on the fast track to secondary-education, slacked, and lost my pride. I ran cross country, track (One of my life-goals was to run a mile under 5 minutes. I did it my sophomore year with a time of 4:59.6). I trained to work the F-16, received further training on the F-117A Stealth Fighter where I worked for 3 years troubleshooting the avionics. I was deployed to Qatar for OIF. Two of our jets went to get Saddam in that underground bunker March.. 20th, was it? Remember that night? Yeah, that was us. Me. I was asleep when the jets took off, but I was awake when I saw 842 come back. That was one of our best jets. He waved his wings at us. What a moment of pride. I touched that jet first. I fixed it's FLIR (Forward-Looking Infrared) system. Something I get to tell my baby grandchildren one day on my knee. Went through a real-world Red (aerial base attack, rubber masks never felt better).

I cross-trained to Space Systems Operator. I send(t) commands to GPS satellites. You could say that my angst at this political process is just a bit more than "Get Bush Out." You may have been lied to, but his lies didn't take you from your wife. (Well, some, maybe.) His lies put me in danger. He lied. So, yeah, I want out... ANYWAY.

I was married and divorced. I have always been intuitive when it comes to emotions and relationships. Don't ask why, but it certainly didn't help my relationship... marriage. Farce. My current love has reaped the benefits, however, and I think I've found what could be called a soul-mate, or terms near there. Time has yet to discover, but it is disturbing how deep the currents of my emotions stir.

I'm getting court-martialed for drugs, and probably going to jail. Follow that with a Bad Conduct Discharge, and misdemeanor drugs charges. While that isn't exactly pretty, you can understand my desire to be rid of the military from my life, for all reasons...

I started reading II somewhere around 99. I've never stopped. It was amazing what I could learn from people. I never got into discussions. I was intimidated. This leads me to my point, now:

I'm jealous. The Ugly Green Monster® is out in full-effect. It is hard for me to keep up with discussions, or feel that I have anything worthwhile to contribue. I don't have secondary education. I am intuitive, wise for my young age, intellegent, and I read Quantum Physics for fun. I started up on politics around May of this year, because I had nothing better to do, and it fascinates me. I'm still a fucking n00b when it comes to these things, and my ignorance clearly rings throughout my posts.

But, dammit. You people. With your big words (and coming from me, that is unusual). I've always been the guy behind the lead pack. I can't quite get there. There are so many discussions here that I feel I cannot contribue to because, well, I'm just so fucking young. I'm only 22. Most people here are aged with more than one child. I feel that there is so much for me to experience in life.

I find myself tripping up over my words to feel like I'm one of the big boys. That reminds me of the Chucky Cheese commercial with the younger brother wanting to play basketball, and he says, "Come on guys, give me a shot!"

I find myself at the bottom of the FF totem pole. I know that, for the most part, I can understand what is being said around here, and I find myself checking online dictionaries typically once a day!

I admire the strength, the courage, the arguments, the community that we have built here. I want to find Socratoad and give him a hug. I want to understand Goliath's plight and listen to his pain. I want to hug warrenly, and listen to his problems. And Beth. Well, you all know my absolute fascination with her... the rest of you, are slowly winding your ways into my life.

And with a week left before my confinement, I find myself sad that this community is merging with me as a source of contentment in my life. I wish I could contribute meaningful discourse, or be a person that is respected, instead of looked down upon. I may be 1/3 the age of some of you (:toad:), or 1/2 the age of most of you, but I still consider myself beyond my years.

I dislike being jealous. I dislike feeling that I do not belong, or that I cannot contribute to the things that are meaningful to me. I am a very deep, intellectual, and passionate person. My mark may not be left at every pass I make, but I never want to feel like I must slip through the shadows.

This week has taught me to jump into the water. I do not belong over @ II because that site lacks the emotional depth that I wish to find in my life. I feel that I have found that here at FF, and I deeply appreciate this site for what it is.

For those I may have pissed off, thus far: soon, I will take an extended leave from the board. This can perhaps calm the waters, and upon my return, I hope I can help strengthen some of the bonds that we have here, and give back that which you all have given me over the months, and some, years over @ II, though you may never have been aware of it.

Thank you, and most importantly, for allowing me to face my worst personal demon, in the face, and to be able to do something about it. I think that personal growth is the greatest goal I could ever reach for, and every day, I try to better myself, by the way I treat my loved ones, by being a man of word (If a man doesn't have his word, he has nothing.), a man of chivalry, perhaps. I try to protect everything around me. I have Martyr Syndrome. I want to be the knight-in-shining-armor. These things, perhaps not attainable, yet fascinating nonetheless. I know you all have things to teach me, because you challenge me every step of the way, and if there is anything I've learned... pay attention to those that make you full of life, and pay even more attention to those that anger you to no end. They both offer something to one's path. I just want my path to be here, for me, for FF... for all, I guess.

Did I mention I'm a dreamer? :serenade:

Much love,
Chris

[livius drusus]

I'm going to answer you in more depth, but I just wanted to be the first to say that your OP is a beautiful, passionate, delicate thing, much like its author.

For you:
:nil:

[AspenMama]

Wow-- thank you so much for sharing with us. I'll be thinking of you. :butter2:

[Dingfod]

Dammit, Chis, I think the world of you. You ARE part of the community. If you think you have to fling about big words and contribute posts of great influential commentary to be a part of it, then what the hell am I doing here. 90% of my posts consist of one or two lines, and they're not even that funny most of the time. I value your input, keep it coming.

/me gives a manly hug to Chris

[Socratoad]

Geez Chris, the passion, the insight and the honesty of your post has left me relatively speechless ..... for now.

Like Liv, I too will answer your post in a more in depth manner when my more thoughtful muse returns. In the meantime I shall just go on my merry rather superficial way, but have no fear young friend for I shall return.

In the meantime my thoughts are with you as you prepare to suffer what the military has chosen to refer to as "justice".

[Shake]

I want to pretty much echo Warren's post, because it says a lot. Don't worry about "big words" or post counts or other such trivial things. To paraphrase Yoda's, "Wars not make one great," I'd say, "Big words not make one wise." ... or even necessarily respected.

Sorry about your dilemma with the military. You may know better than I at this point, and if not it's worth investigating, but I think once you've been out a while you can appeal to have your discharge reviewed and possibly have the status changed. "Other than honorable" is still not great, but it beats the hell out of a BCD.

We shall look forward to your return. Good luck.

[viscousmemories]

Thanks for the introduction, Chris.

I understand what you mean about not feeling like you can match the intellectual vigor of many of the posters here and at IIDB. I feel the same way myself, especially when people make references to things most people learned in High School or University, given that I never attended either. For what it's worth you're far more coherent than I was at your age.

I was in the Army at ages 18-20, and I knew absolutely nothing about the world. I joined because I was unemployed, broke, about to be evicted from the room I was renting and had bad checks bouncing all over. I was discharged (albeit honorably) when my commander offered me an out as an alternative to demotion and fines for a drunk and disorderly charge. I'm pretty sure I would've burned a piss test or two myself if the Sgt. who administered the test hadn't fudged my SSN to save my ass. I'm not positive about that, but pretty sure.

Anyway just trying to say I can relate, and I hope you make it through that ordeal and find your way back here when you can. I don't find your contributions lacking anything.

[Nil Desperandum]

Wow-- thank you so much for sharing with us. I'll be thinking of you. :butter2:
I'd like to get out to one of these Colorado meetings one of these days. :yup:

Dammit, Chis, I think the world of you. You ARE part of the community. If you think you have to fling about big words and contribute posts of great influential commentary to be a part of it, then what the hell am I doing here. 90% of my posts consist of one or two lines, and they're not even that funny most of the time. I value your input, keep it coming.
Hee hee. Thanks a lot. I just wish I had more time left to be able to be amongst all of you wonderful people. I have a lot of work to do while incarcerated, but I know I will finally reach a balance within myself. I'm going to have to, especially if I get bullied around... :\ *hugz to Warren*

Geez Chris, the passion, the insight and the honesty of your post has left me relatively speechless ..... for now.

Like Liv, I too will answer your post in a more in depth manner when my more thoughtful muse returns. In the meantime I shall just go on my merry rather superficial way, but have no fear young friend for I shall return.

In the meantime my thoughts are with you as you prepare to suffer what the military has chosen to refer to as "justice".
:blush:
Thanks. Ummm. :blush:

Well, in my defense, my knowledge of the substances that I put into my body has become a wrenchh in the :gears: of the legal system. Fortunately, my knowledge has worked to my own advantage, and hopefully, will allow me less time in :jail:.

Justice indeed, as the dishonest and back-stabbing ex-roommate prepares to go to jail for significantly less time than moi. :fuming:

I want to pretty much echo Warren's post, because it says a lot. Don't worry about "big words" or post counts or other such trivial things. To paraphrase Yoda's, "Wars not make one great," I'd say, "Big words not make one wise." ... or even necessarily respected.
My concern is being responded to because I have something to say, and that means something to someone other than myself. My raw and quite often inflammed passions are entangled with unbridled sensitivity. No one on earth can tell when my feelings are hurt, though, because I have managed to weave that web into invisibility... So, it is a matter of rejection, not a manner of intellectualism.

Viscuous - Return I shall. People think I am passionate now, but with the military burden on my back, it is hindering me from being the expressive soul I have always wanted to be. When a bomb is rendered null by a thermonuclear explosion, most people notice the flash and the ensuing mass of flame. The backdraft as the air get sucked into the rising vortex at the heart of the explosion is allegorical to the passions that I feel - you don't feel it until it is too late, and is usually never predictable...

I wax romantically. Eep. It's the blood moon, I promise.

Chris

[beyelzu]

Chris,

I dont think you should feel like an outsider here, I think you are the kind of poster that makes any online forum more kickass by your presence. You are intelligent and respectful and caring.

I think that it really fucking sucks that you are going to spend time in jail for a fucking drug charge. Was it pot? You obviously dont have to answer, but if it is then my outragometer fucking redlines. Never in the history of the world have so many people been incarcerated for such a bullshit fucking reason. I am willing to bet that you were much better at your job than your fellow soldiers as the average recruit doesnt make 1270 on the sat.

As to feeling outclassed, hell sometimes I feel outclassed here and at II. I learned to not give a fuck. It is hard to compete with an english major like liv when it comes to literature or people like rufus atticus when it comes to evolution. You know what, that is why I come to both of these places, to learn and to grow. I also come here for the sense of community which II isnt that great at.

On astrology, I dont hold it in very high regard. I dont believe in anything supernatural. On the other hand, I still own a beautiful tarot deck and occassional did readings for friends cuz I thought it was fun. *and fuck you liv for bringing this up during our next supernatural vs natural debate which you most assuredly will :D

I am sorry to see you go, but I think we will all still be here when you return. I hope you do return.

[Roland98]

Hi Chris. :wave:

I've always enjoyed your posts at II (under your current and original names) and thought you were very well-spoken and insightful. I also am continually amazed by the level of discourse here and over there (and I have a graduate degree, so believe me, having letters after your name doesn't stop one from feeling stupid many times).

Your post reminds me of my cousin's story. He's an incredibly bright guy, well-read, someone I'd characterize first and foremost as a "deep thinker." He joined the Navy when he was 19, and proceeded to get into a world of trouble; was dishonorably discharged, then got arrested a year later for selling pot (within 500 yards or whatever of a school, making it a more grevious offense). He spent 11 months in jail for that one. Since then, he's enrolled in college and is doing pretty well for himself at the moment. I know that you can do the same, because you seem to be a pretty amazing and intelligent person. Good luck in the coming months, and I also hope you'll stop by again when you're able to. Your contributions will be missed.



(ETA: and hey, just because some of us have kids doesn't make us old!! :) There are other 20-somethings here too, though I'm much closer to the 30-mark than you are...)

[Nil Desperandum]

Chris,

I dont think you should feel like an outsider here, I think you are the kind of poster that makes any online forum more kickass by your presence. You are intelligent and respectful and caring.
I really do appreciate it. There is no doubt that I need a boost to my confidence here, because I've felt like a little fish in a big sea, and I just want to be a bit larger like everyone else. In my personal life, I exude confidence from all angles, but the moment I step into FF, it flounders. I'm working on it, and I have a chance to focus more on myself here soon. Thanks, really.

Was it pot? <snip> I am willing to bet that you were much better at your job than your fellow soldiers as the average recruit doesnt make 1270 on the sat.
No, it was more than that. I won't get into specifics (I'm on the military network, who knows?). But, yes, you are right, it had no effect on me whatsoever, and I would bet $5,000 that I could have continued my behavior, from a purely superficial standpoint, and never been caught. I confessed, after a certain someone ratted me out. I am in no way deserving of the jail sentence I might possibly face, especially when you consider 9 months for misdemeanor drug charges, as opposed to 11 months for faking mental illness to get out of a deployment to Iraq. Justice, indeed.

As to feeling outclassed, hell sometimes I feel outclassed here and at II. I learned to not give a fuck. It is hard to compete with an english major like liv when it comes to literature or people like rufus atticus when it comes to evolution. You know what, that is why I come to both of these places, to learn and to grow. I also come here for the sense of community which II isnt that great at.
I think it is more along the lines of the fact that I do not have as much experience or knowledge in life. My expertise lies within emotions, however. I always wanted to be a psychologist. I'm loving... really, really loving. Most people don't realize that, though. I think I can work on expressing it! :)

On astrology, I dont hold it in very high regard. I dont believe in anything supernatural. On the other hand, I still own a beautiful tarot deck and occassional did readings for friends cuz I thought it was fun. *and fuck you liv for bringing this up during our next supernatural vs natural debate which you most assuredly will :D

I am sorry to see you go, but I think we will all still be here when you return. I hope you do return.
Thanks. RE Astrology: Well, 95% chance I see a Scorpio and I read their reactions like a textbook. It isn't necessarily supernatural, because I don't get into natal charts. Truth? No. Fun explanation for things? Yes, much as your Tarot cards are fun to fart around with from time to time. ;)

Chris

[Nil Desperandum]

I'm going to answer you in more depth, but I just wanted to be the first to say that your OP is a beautiful, passionate, delicate thing, much like its author.

For you:
:nil:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
NOooooooooooo.
:hide:
:blush:

Liv, I didn't realize the meaning of the flower! I thought it was a flower we had in the smilies section. :blush:

That is entirely way too much. I really appreciate what you've said. I didn't know how to respond to you. Reading it the first time made my ears read. You can tear me apart, or ridicule me, or any other myriad of things, and they glance off me, but the moment someone offers up praise that truly touches me, I turn red-faced and I lose my tongue.

Ugh, thank you. That wasn't necessary, by any means, but I promise it won't be forgotten.

Chris

[dave_a]

Thanks. RE Astrology: Well, 95% chance I see a Scorpio and I read their reactions like a textbook. It isn't necessarily supernatural, because I don't get into natal charts. Truth? No. Fun explanation for things? Yes, much as your Tarot cards are fun to fart around with from time to time. ;)

Chris

As an aside, you might like the book 'Please Understand Me' which is based around Jungian personality assessment. I have found it does a better job at explaining personalities than astrology personally. It allows you to do the same thing your are indicating, understand people "like textbooks", but knowing when they were born isn't necessary.

Just a suggestion.

[seebs]

When will you be back?

Briggs-Meyers types appear to work pretty well, BTW.

[livius drusus]

I'm getting court-martialed for drugs, and probably going to jail. Follow that with a Bad Conduct Discharge, and misdemeanor drugs charges. While that isn't exactly pretty, you can understand my desire to be rid of the military from my life, for all reasons...

That's horrible, Nil. Do you know how long the court-martial will last? Just the week you mentioned? What are the possible outcomes, sentencing-wise? I'm glad you'll find your way out from the military sooner rather than later, but I sure do wish it were in a less stressful manner.

Of course we'll still be rooting for your prompt return to freedom, civilian life and us.

I started reading II somewhere around 99. I've never stopped. It was amazing what I could learn from people. I never got into discussions. I was intimidated.

So was I. I started reading the forum in the summer of 2000 and didn't even scrape up the nads to register until that fall. I then didn't post for approximately a year. It wasn't just how knowledgeable people were, particularly about E/C and Biblical history, though; IIDB was pretty scary mean back in the day and I feared that tummy ache thing more than anything.

I hope you don't mind if I break your next para down a little. Feel free to tell me to take my picayune questions and shove them up my ass (or words to that effect).


I'm jealous. The Ugly Green Monster® is out in full-effect.

Jealous of what, exactly? Of some of our educational privileges or how those privileges make themselves known in posts? Of the people you see as on the top of the totem pole?

It is hard for me to keep up with discussions, or feel that I have anything worthwhile to contribue. I don't have secondary education. I am intuitive, wise for my young age, intellegent, and I read Quantum Physics for fun.

I had a great secondary education. I am sometimes intuitive and frequently dense. I get stupider with age and I quite literally can't read a complete sentence of Quantum Physics without having to reread it at least three times to understand it. I then promptly forget it all as soon as I put down the book or click on another site and have to basically reinvent the wheel every time I try to broach the subject.

I keep trying though. Have you read Asimov's short story Profession (http://www.abelard.org/asimov.htm)? I think of it often when I see someone cut themselves with comparisons.

I started up on politics around May of this year, because I had nothing better to do, and it fascinates me. I'm still a fucking n00b when it comes to these things, and my ignorance clearly rings throughout my posts.

No sir. I thought you were a butt to lisa in that voting thread, but it had nothing to do with ignorance ringing throughout your posts. I just thought you were too insistent that your sense of humor should trump her disgruntlement at the way you approached her musing. Your OP here casts that episode in quite a different light for me.

But, dammit. You people. With your big words (and coming from me, that is unusual). I've always been the guy behind the lead pack. I can't quite get there. There are so many discussions here that I feel I cannot contribue to because, well, I'm just so fucking young. I'm only 22. Most people here are aged with more than one child. I feel that there is so much for me to experience in life.

I'm ten years older than you and have no kids. I was arrogant as hell at 22, and I assure you I had very little reason to be. It seems to me that the fact that you understand you have a long path of knowledge ahead of you speaks highly of you. You know the lead pack is just trotting around talking shit, right? You know the people you see as in the lead pack have their view blocked by the many asses of the lead pack in front of them, and so on and so on...

There is no lead pack, iow, just a bunch of people doing the best they can. You're just as much in that group as anyone.

I find myself tripping up over my words to feel like I'm one of the big boys. That reminds me of the Chucky Cheese commercial with the younger brother wanting to play basketball, and he says, "Come on guys, give me a shot!"

Oh hell, Nil, do you have any idea how much time I waste on word choice? And it has nothing to do with thesauri either, I assure you.

I find myself at the bottom of the FF totem pole. I know that, for the most part, I can understand what is being said around here, and I find myself checking online dictionaries typically once a day!

Sounds like you're doing great to me.

I admire the strength, the courage, the arguments, the community that we have built here. I want to find Socratoad and give him a hug. I want to understand Goliath's plight and listen to his pain. I want to hug warrenly, and listen to his problems. And Beth. Well, you all know my absolute fascination with her... the rest of you, are slowly winding your ways into my life.

That's a beautiful sentiment and I agree.

And with a week left before my confinement, I find myself sad that this community is merging with me as a source of contentment in my life. I wish I could contribute meaningful discourse, or be a person that is respected, instead of looked down upon. I may be 1/3 the age of some of you (:toad:), or 1/2 the age of most of you, but I still consider myself beyond my years.

You are not looked down upon by me or I daresay anyone else because of your age or for any other conceivable reason. I think you've made some pretty fucking amazing posts, in fact. You verged on the magical in Goliath's thread yesterday: your perceptiveness, directness, openess, even temper dropped my jaw more than once.

I dislike being jealous. I dislike feeling that I do not belong, or that I cannot contribute to the things that are meaningful to me. I am a very deep, intellectual, and passionate person. My mark may not be left at every pass I make, but I never want to feel like I must slip through the shadows.

I don't think you're in any danger of that.

This week has taught me to jump into the water. I do not belong over @ II because that site lacks the emotional depth that I wish to find in my life. I feel that I have found that here at FF, and I deeply appreciate this site for what it is.

I'm really quite moved by this. I hope FF continues to live up to the feeling it has engendered in you. It's symbiotic, though, isn't it? It sounds foolish or cheesy to phrase it this way, but what kind of community exists without the community itself?

I know you all have things to teach me, because you challenge me every step of the way, and if there is anything I've learned... pay attention to those that make you full of life, and pay even more attention to those that anger you to no end. They both offer something to one's path. I just want my path to be here, for me, for FF... for all, I guess.

It is.

Take care of yourself. Please try to keep us posted, whether through the occasional internet access moment or through Noodlenader or through any other means. If you leave someone your address, I bet we could even scare up a few good ol' fashioned letters to keep you keen during your absence.

As for your flower, I had it set aside for a while but I couldn't think of a good name for it. When I read your OP, I knew I had found a namesake. Like you, it blooms all of the sudden into glorious living color, and even though it might have to close in on itself every once in a while, it always returns.

See that you do the same.

Yours,
liv

[Cool Hand]

Chris,

Man, what a great post. I'm fighting back tears imagining how you must feel knowing of your impending confinement. Our horribly misguided drug policies do a tremendous amount of harm to liberties and to real people like you. I'm truly sorry for your having to be convicted and confined for something relatively innocuous.

You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and a lot between them ears. You'll weather the storm of your confinement and your BCD. Although you will likely face some difficulties in gaining employment commensurate with your skills and intelligence, persistence and a positive attitude will no doubt land you on your feet and on the path towards fulfilling your dreams. You're already on that path. The maturity you exhibit about your predicament and how you are handling it is evidence of that.

You have nothing to fret about when it comes to depth or breadth of knowledge or experience. Albert Einstein was 22 once. For Batman's sake, most of us who are substantially older than you would love to be 22 or 23 again. You have most of your adult life ahead of you. The world is still your oyster.

You do sound very bright, worldly, and mature. You will likely improve with age. That doesn't mean you don't have plenty of worth now, or that you don't add great value to this board or to your circle of influence IRL. Think of what you wrote about the F-117A and your role in its mission. That is something few persons in the world can say. It's something you'll never forget, and something for which you'll always remain proud, and rightfully so.

They can put your ass in jail, but they can't take your heart or your head. Those are your greatest possessions, and you'll still have them while you're in, and when you get out.

Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts and feelings with us, Chris. Take care, man. I'll be looking for you here when you get back.

Cool Hand

[p.s. Chris, I'm 41 and I still feel like an immature 12-year-old about a lot of things. A lot of the confidence and poise you think you see in older persons is faking it. Some of us get pretty good at it with practice. I still see college students as peers most of the time. I get startled when some of them call me "Sir." Hell, inside, I'm hurt that they think I don't fit in anymore. If they could just see me playing with my 12-year-old niece and my 10-year-old nephew, they wouldn't be calling me "Sir." They would think I'm a tall 10-year-old kid with a 5 o'clock shadow.]

[bobeh]

Thanks Chris for sharing a bit..or a lot..of yourself. I never would have guessed your age or any "lack" of education from your posts. And as far as I'm concerned...you belong here. Firmly.

Yep, I'm old enough to be your father, and also old enough that, perhaps for worse, I seldom give a damm about what people think about my posts. Makes me a bit sloppy at times. We need to split these attitudes ...maybe 50-50 or something.

Your life has been full of interesting experiences...and while what you are going through now is not pleasant no doubt...I'm sure it is/will be/ interesting. Put it behind you - when the bad part is done...and move on to build the life you want. Gawd...wish I was 22 again. Put me in jail..whatever.

I'm exaggerating a bit perhaps...but I've had a 30 year sentence from some of the decisions I made in my early 20's. Didn't examine my beliefs seriously at the time. Thought "faith" was enough. Married a fundy who thought the same way. Flash forward...everyone now feels cheated because things have changed. Point here...you have a short sentence. You're on the right path by choosing to THINK. Generally that will help you stumble along in a good direction would be my prediction. So as much as possible, have some fun in the next while. Be kind to yourself.

cheers

[copiae]

I'm jealous. The Ugly Green Monster® is out in full-effect. It is hard for me to keep up with discussions, or feel that I have anything worthwhile to contribue. I don't have secondary education. I am intuitive, wise for my young age, intellegent, and I read Quantum Physics for fun. I started up on politics around May of this year, because I had nothing better to do, and it fascinates me. I'm still a fucking n00b when it comes to these things, and my ignorance clearly rings throughout my posts.

But, dammit. You people. With your big words (and coming from me, that is unusual). I've always been the guy behind the lead pack. I can't quite get there. There are so many discussions here that I feel I cannot contribue to because, well, I'm just so fucking young. I'm only 22. Most people here are aged with more than one child. I feel that there is so much for me to experience in life.

I find myself tripping up over my words to feel like I'm one of the big boys. That reminds me of the Chucky Cheese commercial with the younger brother wanting to play basketball, and he says, "Come on guys, give me a shot!"

I find myself at the bottom of the FF totem pole. I know that, for the most part, I can understand what is being said around here, and I find myself checking online dictionaries typically once a day!


Actually, 'big bad' words is probably the reason why a lot of people shy away from philosophy (and other academic areas): When someone walks into a discussion laden with words like metaphysics, epistemology, transcendetalism, and latin remnants like ad hoc, ceteris paribus, prima causa, et cetera, and they don't know the meaning of the words, I doubt that the content of the discussion is particularly coherent or enjoyable: The worst is when they then convince themselves that they arent smart enough to work out the terms, or that philosophers deliberately use fancy words for the sake of obfuscation.

In all honesty, all you need is an ability to read, and a desire to learn, as I have discovered just recently. Hugo Holbling has created an excellent Introduction to Philosophy (http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=136) series, that already deals with a wide spectra of philosophical issues. If you take your time and read that series, perhaps you'll feel more confident in your ability to contribute (and even if you don't, its a great read :)).

Good luck with your court-martial.

[Nil Desperandum]

Hi Chris. :wave:

I've always enjoyed your posts at II (under your current and original names) and thought you were very well-spoken and insightful. I also am continually amazed by the level of discourse here and over there (and I have a graduate degree, so believe me, having letters after your name doesn't stop one from feeling stupid many times).
Thanks Roland, much appreciated. <3

I know that you can do the same, because you seem to be a pretty amazing and intelligent person. Good luck in the coming months, and I also hope you'll stop by again when you're able to. Your contributions will be missed.
Well, I'm not so sure about amazing... :blush: Thanks, however, for the vote of confidence, and I surely cannot wait to be out and shining.

(ETA: and hey, just because some of us have kids doesn't make us old!! :) There are other 20-somethings here too, though I'm much closer to the 30-mark than you are...)
Well, I know, but still, I am almost certain I am the youngest one here that posts regularly, besides my love NoodleNader. Although, I cannot wait to have a little noodle of my own. <3

Chris

[Nil Desperandum]

Thanks. RE Astrology: Well, 95% chance I see a Scorpio and I read their reactions like a textbook. It isn't necessarily supernatural, because I don't get into natal charts. Truth? No. Fun explanation for things? Yes, much as your Tarot cards are fun to fart around with from time to time. ;)

Chris

As an aside, you might like the book 'Please Understand Me' which is based around Jungian personality assessment. I have found it does a better job at explaining personalities than astrology personally. It allows you to do the same thing your are indicating, understand people "like textbooks", but knowing when they were born isn't necessary.

Just a suggestion.
That sounds like a great idea, dantonac, thank you very much. <3 I'll look into it and see how that helps me out. ;)

[Nil Desperandum]

When will you be back?

Briggs-Meyers types appear to work pretty well, BTW.
Well, they attempted a Pre-Trial Agreement (military for plea bargain), with 8 or 9 months max. That is complete fucking bullshit, and aside from that fact, they got their chemical naming wrong for 2 of the charges. I brought that little tidbit up, and it raised a shitstorm. They are now trying to re-prefer charges against me next Monday, and my court-martial is next Thursday. I wonder how that'll work out to charge me 3 days before my trial starts. Yeah, not very well. I'm looking at 3-9 months, but I'd shoot for the low end of that spectrum, because legal keeps fucking up. This knowledge pays off. Sometimes, other people's ignorance CAN work in your favor!

:jd:

Chris

[Ymir's blood]

/me hopes for the least amount of time.

The "war on drugs" is :bull:shit.

[xorbie]

(ETA: and hey, just because some of us have kids doesn't make us old!! :) There are other 20-somethings here too, though I'm much closer to the 30-mark than you are...)

And some not even there....

Damnit I had something typed up.. but yet again I can't say it as well as others. Suffice it to say, you're welcome here. :wave:

[Socratoad]

Hi Nil, I still feel unable at this time to fully respond to your OP as I'm feeling rather crummy at the moment..... my health ain't that great.

But in the meantime I want to second the recommendation of Hugo's Introduction to philosophy. That man is simply a genius at being able to translate some of what may seem on the surface to be a lot of useless gobbly gook and render it into sensible useful tools for everyday live and the understanding of same.

As for the so-called higher fora, much is enlightening, while much is useless ego-boosting crap, and tends to be about as enlightening as the hypothetical ponderings of just how many angels might safely dance upon the point of a pin (sorry, but I tend to overuse that little phrase). But it does accurately sum up my observances of much of what suffices as "higher thinking"

Lately I seldom wander into the philosophy threads at II because I would have to be feeling much better than I am at present expend the mental energy to engage in even worthwhile philosophical exercises.


Please excuse my rather incoherent rant. I really am feeling blaaaaaah.

When is the last day you will likely have access to a computer for the foreseeable future?

[Nil Desperandum]

That's horrible, Nil. Do you know how long the court-martial will last? Just the week you mentioned? What are the possible outcomes, sentencing-wise? I'm glad you'll find your way out from the military sooner rather than later, but I sure do wish it were in a less stressful manner.
That would depend on my pleading, liv. Since they are bumbling baffoons, I am pleading not-guilty to all charges. Had I pleaded guilty, it would be a one-day affair, with me going straight to jail after the sentencing. With their errors in technicality, this will get pushed back farther, methinx. We're also having a forensic toxicologist flown in to give us the chemical expertise we need (although my own knowledge is what caused this in the first place!). I have one week, until November 4th, before my trial starts. Possible outcomes, solely based upon the court-martial (which is a Special court-martial) are:
Up to one year confinement.
Forfeitures of up to 2/3 pay and allowances.
Reduction in rank to E-1 (Airman Basic).
I'll definitely get the latter two, and the confinement is looking anywhere from 3-9 months. :jail:
I wish it were less stressful, too. I could have gotten out right around now with an Honorable if my friend hadn't stabbed me in the back. :whup:

Of course we'll still be rooting for your prompt return to freedom, civilian life and us.
I cannot wait! :jd:

So was I. I started reading the forum in the summer of 2000 and didn't even scrape up the nads to register until that fall. I then didn't post for approximately a year. It wasn't just how knowledgeable people were, particularly about E/C and Biblical history, though; IIDB was pretty scary mean back in the day and I feared that tummy ache thing more than anything.
Your tummy ache quote made me tear up the other day. Having suffered from that type of anxiety every day of my relationship with my ex-wife was enough to reduce me to tears. I sympathise in every way imagineable. :hug:

I hope you don't mind if I break your next para down a little. Feel free to tell me to take my picayune questions and shove them up my ass (or words to that effect).
1] I'm self-confident enough to not take many things personal.
2] I'm also very open about who I am, what I have been through. Ask anything you want. I love answering questions.
3] The only thing I would shove up your ass would be sexual in nature, and that preclude physical proximity. Thanks for the offer, but I'm going to jail. Pray to Her Holiness I don't get something shoved up mine. ;)

Jealous of what, exactly? Of some of our educational privileges or how those privileges make themselves known in posts? Of the people you see as on the top of the totem pole?
Wisdom, experience, ability to express yourselves eloquently, understanding higher-level Physics and Math that goes over my head. The fact I will be gone and not enjoy this board. I'd rather have the ability to see people arguing and being shit-heads than have to wonder behind bars. And, yes, totem pole. I always wondered what it would be like to be respected by a lot of people, or to be "popular." I've never had that, and while it isn't necessariy an aim of mine, as I do keep to myself most of the time, I do not feel that I've done anything of particular importance to warrant any attention over it. Of course, if I EVER do receive that attention, I refuse to accept it as anything except unnecessary - I just do what I have to do, y'know? :blush:

I had a great secondary education. I am sometimes intuitive and frequently dense. I get stupider with age and I quite literally can't read a complete sentence of Quantum Physics without having to reread it at least three times to understand it. I then promptly forget it all as soon as I put down the book or click on another site and have to basically reinvent the wheel every time I try to broach the subject.
Yet I still envy your writing style/vocabulary. I guess I do have something quirky, but that is my emotional intelligence... not something I find very often.

I keep trying though. Have you read Asimov's short story Profession (http://www.abelard.org/asimov.htm)? I think of it often when I see someone cut themselves with comparisons.
No, but I'll check it out. Thank you.

No sir. I thought you were a butt to lisa in that voting thread, but it had nothing to do with ignorance ringing throughout your posts. I just thought you were too insistent that your sense of humor should trump her disgruntlement at the way you approached her musing. Your OP here casts that episode in quite a different light for me.
I was trying to be light-hearted in a sea of torrential anger. This entire planet is in store for quite a few surprises. The vernal equinox was a dawn of some rather intense energy. I get to ride the wave in jail. Go figure. Anyway, yes, my humor can be innapropriate, but you'll find over time it isn't quite as immature as you wanted it to be. :P

I'm ten years older than you and have no kids. I was arrogant as hell at 22, and I assure you I had very little reason to be. It seems to me that the fact that you understand you have a long path of knowledge ahead of you speaks highly of you. You know the lead pack is just trotting around talking shit, right? You know the people you see as in the lead pack have their view blocked by the many asses of the lead pack in front of them, and so on and so on...
While this may be true, the only time I've ever led anything and was proud of it was the first 3 laps of a 1600m race, and I was eclipsed by 3 or 4 runner in the final 200m, but you know what made it worth the loss? When I thought to myself, "So, this is what it is like to be first!" I had my moment, and maybe that was all I ever really needed. Tee hee.

There is no lead pack, iow, just a bunch of people doing the best they can. You're just as much in that group as anyone.
I hope that as long as people recognize I will offer whatever I can, however I can, then maybe it won't be as bad as I want to make it out to seem. Time will tell, liv. And to the rest of you. :)

Oh hell, Nil, do you have any idea how much time I waste on word choice? And it has nothing to do with thesauri either, I assure you.
Perhaps it is a burden, but I can still respect you just the same.

Sounds like you're doing great to me.
What does great mean again? LOL!

That's a beautiful sentiment and I agree.
... Sometimes I wish I were closer to the more poetic/out-spoken. There's a lot in here that needs expression. Inspired by Cubist Lauri®, I intend to paint when I get out. I'm more abstract... I've drawn two tattoos, so far, but we'll see where it takes me. I'm painting the garage right now. One of my projects before I leave. :)

You are not looked down upon by me or I daresay anyone else because of your age or for any other conceivable reason. I think you've made some pretty fucking amazing posts, in fact. You verged on the magical in Goliath's thread yesterday: your perceptiveness, directness, openess, even temper dropped my jaw more than once.
I understand Goliath. I was there, once, although not at the level he takes it. I'm an extremist, and so I was analytical, cold, heartless, and unwavering one day, and thoughtful, poetic, museful, and sympathetic the next. Striking a balance seems to come naturally, though, so I try not to force it near as much, but as mentioned previous: I may not understand Calculus, but I can see love in someone's eye, or I can hear anger in someone's tone, even through the Internet, very, very well. I also know how to push people's buttons, good or bad. Thanks for the ... umm, praise. :blush:

I don't think you're in any danger of that.
I was never a wallflower -- I just watch with eyes of an eagle. I strike when ready. Most people are caught unawares. I like it that way.

I'm really quite moved by this. I hope FF continues to live up to the feeling it has engendered in you. It's symbiotic, though, isn't it? It sounds foolish or cheesy to phrase it this way, but what kind of community exists without the community itself?
I have a lot of love to give. It is sent out in many different ways, but I owe you a huge thanks and a huge :glomp2: for this board. I know your heart is in the right place. I just wish I had more time to see it.

Take care of yourself. Please try to keep us posted, whether through the occasional internet access moment or through Noodlenader or through any other means. If you leave someone your address, I bet we could even scare up a few good ol' fashioned letters to keep you keen during your absence.
LOL. Letters. What a shocker. I will definitely write anyone that writes me. I'll give Jamie (NoodleNader) my address, without a doubt, and ask her to post it here. Thank you. :) :)

As for your flower, I had it set aside for a while but I couldn't think of a good name for it. When I read your OP, I knew I had found a namesake. Like you, it blooms all of the sudden into glorious living color, and even though it might have to close in on itself every once in a while, it always returns.
!!!
:hide:

Too much. I just wanted to thank everyone, and send my best wishes.

Chris

[HelenM]

Chris, thanks for sharing so openly about yourself and your situation. Come back when you can.

Helen

[Nil Desperandum]

* Ymir's blood hopes for the least amount of time.

The "war on drugs" is :bull:shit.

I'll tell everything once I get out, but I'm sure this board is being "monitored" from work... ;)

[Nil Desperandum]

Chris,

Man, what a great post. I'm fighting back tears imagining how you must feel knowing of your impending confinement. Our horribly misguided drug policies do a tremendous amount of harm to liberties and to real people like you. I'm truly sorry for your having to be convicted and confined for something relatively innocuous.
It is strange to know I move others so. With my war poem, I had every intention of drawing forth sadness -- that is why I wrote it. With this, I just hope you guys realize you mean something to me, and I look forward to reciprocating the wonder I have found in here in the few months I've been a member. But, yes, liberties being shit on aside, I am still responsible for my choices, and I know that in the end, I was a man for actually having integrity, and the others involved who lied and were deceptive will get theirs, somehow, whether it be me or not. Keep in mind I was never caught -- I confessed after I was turned in. I could have lied. I could have made this about my backstabbing bastard of an ex-roommate and his girlfriend being pieces of lying shit, but that is not within my capacity. Even after they shit all over me. Justice may not entirely be served, but I refuse to lie, even if it means more jail... I just hope it serves for SOMETHING.

You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and a lot between them ears. You'll weather the storm of your confinement and your BCD. Although you will likely face some difficulties in gaining employment commensurate with your skills and intelligence, persistence and a positive attitude will no doubt land you on your feet and on the path towards fulfilling your dreams. You're already on that path. The maturity you exhibit about your predicament and how you are handling it is evidence of that.
In the long run, it is misdemeanor drugs charges. I would have gotten less than 1 day as a civilian. Keep in mind, this is military law, not civilian law, so that is why the extraneous jail-time. Thank you for your poetic response, and I am eager to have correspondence with you in the future.

You have nothing to fret about when it comes to depth or breadth of knowledge or experience. Albert Einstein was 22 once. For Batman's sake, most of us who are substantially older than you would love to be 22 or 23 again. You have most of your adult life ahead of you. The world is still your oyster.
Einstein was working on General Relativity at my age. I dream, a lot, and my dream is to leave a mark on this planet. I just hope it is a loving and happy one.

You do sound very bright, worldly, and mature. You will likely improve with age. That doesn't mean you don't have plenty of worth now, or that you don't add great value to this board or to your circle of influence IRL. Think of what you wrote about the F-117A and your role in its mission. That is something few persons in the world can say.
I was doing my job, as directed by President Bush, because I swore to uphold the Constitution, defend my country, and bring freedom to others. The most powerful man in my country shit on my promise, and I will never forget that. I killed innocent Iraqi people. I don't know if you realize that, but it hurts. I sobbed after Fahrenheit 9/11 because it finally sunk in what I did over there. The (I assume) Muslim mother crying over her dead family... I could have caused that. It is a horrible burden to bear, but I swear to Her Holiness, it was never my intent to cause harm. That is the last thing I want to bring to this world, and that just gives me more reason to be a "beacon of light" in these dark times. I just need to find my niche, but yeah... Bush can go back to his Crawford, Texas ranch and let his conscious eat away at his heart. I've had enough of that man.

It's something you'll never forget, and something for which you'll always remain proud, and rightfully so.
Proud... sure. My children will know I did the right thing, and that this government lied to me and my comrades. My entire line will know.

They can put your ass in jail, but they can't take your heart or your head. Those are your greatest possessions, and you'll still have them while you're in, and when you get out.
Liken my story to Andy in Shawshank Redemption. I won't necessarily break out, but I walk around with that small, silent, strong grin. That's my life in a nutshell, always scheming, and hoping for the best. I've managed to be taught quite a bit of patience, though -- silver lining to every cloud. :)

Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts and feelings with us, Chris. Take care, man. I'll be looking for you here when you get back.
Beautiful? Aww, come on guys, seriously.... :blush:

[p.s. Chris, I'm 41 and I still feel like an immature 12-year-old about a lot of things. A lot of the confidence and poise you think you see in older persons is faking it. Some of us get pretty good at it with practice. I still see college students as peers most of the time. I get startled when some of them call me "Sir." Hell, inside, I'm hurt that they think I don't fit in anymore. If they could just see me playing with my 12-year-old niece and my 10-year-old nephew, they wouldn't be calling me "Sir." They would think I'm a tall 10-year-old kid with a 5 o'clock shadow.]
I would call you sir out of respect, but age is merely a number. I've never acted my age. "Wise beyond my years." "An old soul." Well, in any regard, sir is a form of respect I've learned over the years. It might not be so bad as you think.

Well... hehe. That just made me think. I wonder what I'll be like when I'm 41. I already know my death will cause people to say, "He died way before his time." My mind is already on another plane, my body just needs to catch up with it. But when it does, I will be no longer. Hopefully on to another form of existence - or this one, again. Life is wonderful -- it has to be. What else do I have?? :)

Chris

[Nil Desperandum]

Thanks Chris for sharing a bit..or a lot..of yourself. I never would have guessed your age or any "lack" of education from your posts. And as far as I'm concerned...you belong here. Firmly.
Yes, it is true. I'm extremely expressive. I am limited in what I can say at work, because I am supposed to be working, after all, but suffice to say that you'll always hear more than you ever want to from me. Heh heh. :gcwave:

Yep, I'm old enough to be your father, and also old enough that, perhaps for worse, I seldom give a damm about what people think about my posts. Makes me a bit sloppy at times. We need to split these attitudes ...maybe 50-50 or something.
Hmmm. Good call. I was adopted, my father is 63 years of age. He was born in 1941. Wow, huh? What a trip he has been on. I don't know I just said that, but I have a lot of respect for age and wisdom. I'll be there one day, but I'm still less than 25% through the life I plan on living, so I'm in no rush. Sometimes. I just really do not want to leave this board and my loved ones behind. :'(

Your life has been full of interesting experiences...and while what you are going through now is not pleasant no doubt...I'm sure it is/will be/ interesting. Put it behind you - when the bad part is done...and move on to build the life you want. Gawd...wish I was 22 again. Put me in jail..whatever.
I understand. I do not regret a single thing that has happened to me, but being deployed, married/divorced, adopted, life-threatened, having a mortgage payment, getting militarily discharged, and being in jail are quite a few things to have done before your 23rd birthday. *sigh* I mean, shit! There SO much more out there, too. Wow!!

I'm exaggerating a bit perhaps...but I've had a 30 year sentence from some of the decisions I made in my early 20's. Didn't examine my beliefs seriously at the time. Thought "faith" was enough. Married a fundy who thought the same way. Flash forward...everyone now feels cheated because things have changed. Point here...you have a short sentence. You're on the right path by choosing to THINK. Generally that will help you stumble along in a good direction would be my prediction. So as much as possible, have some fun in the next while. Be kind to yourself.
Thinking is wonderful, but to me, if I cannot feel, then I'd rather be dead. We all make our choices, but even if you are 55, you still have a long way to go. :)

cheers
Likewise.

Chris

[Nil Desperandum]

Actually, 'big bad' words is probably the reason why a lot of people shy away from philosophy (and other academic areas): When someone walks into a discussion laden with words like metaphysics, epistemology, transcendetalism, and latin remnants like ad hoc, ceteris paribus, prima causa, et cetera, and they don't know the meaning of the words, I doubt that the content of the discussion is particularly coherent or enjoyable: The worst is when they then convince themselves that they arent smart enough to work out the terms, or that philosophers deliberately use fancy words for the sake of obfuscation.
I hear Latin and I go fucking bat-crazy with joy. I didn't tattoo Nil Desperandum on my left forearm for nothing. Sapere Aude is my next one, but I have to work it into complete abstract nonsense before it goes into my skin. Anyway, I can understand how that might turn people off, by their lack of self-confidence. I do not doubt I CAN understand you people! Not at all. It is just that I'm jealous I cannot do it YET! Patience, young Padawan. Hee hee.

In all honesty, all you need is an ability to read, and a desire to learn, as I have discovered just recently. Hugo Holbling has created an excellent Introduction to Philosophy (http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=136) series, that already deals with a wide spectra of philosophical issues. If you take your time and read that series, perhaps you'll feel more confident in your ability to contribute (and even if you don't, its a great read :)).

Good luck with your court-martial.
Thank you, for the kind words, and for the link to more knowledge. I'm really glad I made this thread!!

Chris

[Nil Desperandum]

(ETA: and hey, just because some of us have kids doesn't make us old!! :) There are other 20-somethings here too, though I'm much closer to the 30-mark than you are...)

And some not even there....

Damnit I had something typed up.. but yet again I can't say it as well as others. Suffice it to say, you're welcome here. :wave:
I appreciate it.

Much as I've gone through/am going through, perhaps worry not so much about how well others say what they want to say, but worry about not saying what you really want to say.

My uncle tragically passed away, and I wrote a very, very, very sad poem about his death, and I learned that day, crying my eyes out at a beautiful being gone from my life, that if I had it to do again, I would have told him how much he meant to me.

If I die tomorrow, this thread would have been my last "work" on this Earth. I wonder what the alternatives would have been.

:wave: back.

[Nil Desperandum]

Hi Nil, I still feel unable at this time to fully respond to your OP as I'm feeling rather crummy at the moment..... my health ain't that great.
No worries. I understand you have been through a bit, so focus your energy on healing yourself, not waxing philosophical with me. :)

But in the meantime I want to second the recommendation of Hugo's Introduction to philosophy. That man is simply a genius at being able to translate some of what may seem on the surface to be a lot of useless gobbly gook and render it into sensible useful tools for everyday live and the understanding of same.
Allegory of the Cave always got me thinking. What a shame to think I was chasing someone else's shadow this whole time. :)

As for the so-called higher fora, much is enlightening, while much is useless ego-boosting crap, and tends to be about as enlightening as the hypothetical ponderings of just how many angels might safely dance upon the point of a pin (sorry, but I tend to overuse that little phrase). But it does accurately sum up my observances of much of what suffices as "higher thinking"
I do not want my life to be about boosting my ego. I want it to be about boosting everyone else's egos. I've thrown in a lot of detail so you guys understand who I am... and while I do not necessarily expect that detail reciprocated, it never hurts to know a little about the man behind the name. I certainly find everyone here fascinating!

[qutoe]Lately I seldom wander into the philosophy threads at II because I would have to be feeling much better than I am at present expend the mental energy to engage in even worthwhile philosophical exercises.[/quote]
Focus on yourself, kind sir. You'll come full circle in no time!

Please excuse my rather incoherent rant. I really am feeling blaaaaaah.
As opposed to my incessant going-ons about myself? LOL. Say whatever your heart feels. No worries.

When is the last day you will likely have access to a computer for the foreseeable future?
Next Wednesday night, unless the court-martial gets pushed back. And then, forseeably for 3-9 months. :P

Chris

[Nil Desperandum]

Chris, thanks for sharing so openly about yourself and your situation. Come back when you can.

Helen
Your energy is different than most. It warms my heart. Stay true to yourself, Helen. :)

Chris

[JoeP]

Did I already post in this thread? Did I type something and lose it or did I think something and ... lose it?

Chris, you're eloquent and impassioned. I was really surprised by your OP; I would never have thought you'd see yourself as a newcomer, low on the totem pole, not good with words, or anything like that. Maybe I think of you based on posts elsewhere as well, and I have no idea how you see this board compared to others. Sure, you can feel jealous of others and not keep up with some discussions; I relate to that. I'm jealous of the depth and sense of your "little bio".

As to the core matter, I hope the lawyers worm you out on a technicality. Or else I hope they give you 6 hours of internet a day inside.

How is Jamie taking this? Jamie, are you here? I think your posts here are ounumbered by your photos at HH. This is going to be a damn waste of a relationship I am jealous of anyway.

joe