Cancer treatments

[Leesifer]

Well as most of you probably know, my husband, Bill(zibub) has lung and brain cancer.

He had chemotherapy two weeks ago in the hope of shrinking more tumours on his brain. Since then he's been almost bed-ridden. We have a hospital bed in the lounge and he goes from there to the commode and that's it. This is the effects of the treatment, combined with the fact that he's on 8mg of steroids a day to keep brain swelling down.

He was supposed to have undergone more chemo last week but his blood count was too low. This week, still no more chemo because he is now slightly anaemic and his platelets are still too low.

I spoke to the nurse this evening and she basically said it seems that he won't be able to tolerate any more chemotherapy. Which means, this is it. No more treatment. It is now just a matter of time. Not that it wasn't before but, there's always a bit of hope when someone is having treatment.

:ranton:
Anyway, I find myself getting very angry that in this day and age there's not a treatment for cancer that doesn't involve attacking other cells in the body. You'd have thought by now with all years of research there'd at least be a treatment that the body could tolerate.

There are various clinical trials going on in Britain but you can't get on them unless you've had no previous chemotherapy or radiotherapy. I also understand there are quite a few different treatments waiting to be approved by NICE (National Institute for Clinical Excellence) and from what I've read in the press, they are very much about how much things cost rather than how effective they are. (I need to read up about this properly, so that could be hyperbole).
:rantoff:

[livius drusus]

Oh Lees... :(

[SharonDee]

Lees ... :hug:

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties with Bill's treatment. And I agree, it sucks that our best available treatments are such sledgehammer tools.

[Crumb]

:huggle:

[Julie]

:unglomp:

I'm sorry Lees. I almost kinda know what your going through. My Aunt is in the same boat. Low blood count and congenitial heart falure so no chemo or radiation treatments for her. we have some hope though, They did a double radical mastectomy in hopes of getting all of it.

I'm so very sorry hun. you guys will be in my thoughts.

[Legs]

Oh Lees, this is such bad news :( it's like they are giving up on him.

Does Bill understand what is going on? do you have any recourse in getting more help?

I can't imagine what you are going through :cheerhug:

[JoeP]

Lees. :sad:
I'm so sorry to hear this. Give yourself a hug from me and one for Billzebub too, not that it will help him at all.

I have reviewed your rant :argh: and I find it entirely appropriate.

[Leesifer]

Thanks guys.

It is just so frustrating that a big cause of him being like this is the treatment. The disease obviously plays some part but it's the treatment that causes the bulk of the symptoms.

No, Legs. He doesn't know yet. We have Hospice at Home coming round tomorrow. I don't think they'll tell him on their first meeting and I believe they will want to discuss it with me as to the best way to tell him. To which, I have no answer.

To be honest, I think he'd be better off actually in the hospice. He's too big for me to try lifting, so he's practically bed-ridden and if you'd seen the palaver we had this evening trying to work out how he could eat, well!

Julie, I'm glad there's some hope for your Aunt.

[Stormlight]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Lees. :( And for what it's worth, I, too agree with your rant. :hug:

[Puck]

Oh Lees, I'm so sorry to hear it. You and Bill will be in my thoughts.

Cancer sucks. And it sucks worse that in spite of all our technology and medical advances, it still whips our ass.

[lisarea]

I'm so sorry, Lees.

I don't know what else to say.

[pescifish]

Ah, Leesifer, I'm so sorry to hear this. :badday: My heart goes out to both of you.

[freemonkey]

:( Lees, I'm so very sorry for you both.

[godfry n. glad]

Oh...Lees...I'm...speechless.

I hope the best for you both....whatever that is.

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

:cuddles: Oh Lees, I wish I knew what to say to you.

[Sock Puppet]

:hug:

I'm so sorry, Lees. :cry:

[Smilin]

Lees,

If you ever need a friend to talk to, I am here for you! :cheerhug:

[Beth]

Lees, I'm so sorry. I know that telling your husband will probably be one of the hardest things that you have done. Hang in there. :hug:

[curses]

Lees, I'm so sorry. Have a multitude of :hug:

[LadyShea]

I'm so sorry Lees. Chemo recently stopped my Grandpa's kidneys so they had to stop the treatment and put him on dialysis. Not even remotely close to your situation with your spouse, but it is too common.

[BDS]

I'm sorry, Leesifer. Don't forget to take care of yourself, as well as of your husband.

[cappuccino]

Oh no :( that's got to be rough. I'm sorry Lees...

[Dragar]

Hang in there Lees. Please don't hesitate to rant here if you think it will help. I agree that it sucks big time how little we can do to counter that disease.

[Leesifer]

Well, we decided against tellling him about no more treatment, although he's aware he can't have any while he's in this condition.

He will be admitted to hospice early next week for "respite" care. Which means I get a break and he gets much better care. The idea is that he goes in for a week and then comes home.

However, he had a fall last night and I couldn't pick him up. It was very scarey as he fell with his head face down on the sofa cushion and couldn't breathe properly. I managed to get the cushion out from under him but he was in a really awkward position. It took 3 ambulance men to lift him up, back onto the bed. :sigh:

Hopefully, I should have people around all day today to help out.

Also, I'm supposed to be going to my friend's 40th birthday party tonight. I have Bill's niece coming over and then a Marie Curie Nurse will be here from 10:00 p.m. until 7:00 a.m. I think I probably will go as everybody is insisting that I do, and that it will do me good.

We'll see.

[fragment]

I'm so sorry, Lees. :(

[Legs]

Oh no Lees! he definately need to be in the hospice. So the ambulance men just helped him back to his bed? they didn't take him to hospital? What a scary experience for you both. :hug:

I'm glad you will have some help today and I really hope you get to the party tonight. :yup:

[pescifish]

Leesifer, that must have been really hard all around: the decision not to tell him and the fall. I'm glad you've got some help today and the respite care at the hospice next week.

[SharonDee]

Oh dear, Lees ... :hug: What a frightening time for you and Bill.

I'm glad you're looking out for you, too.

[Beth]

Oh, Lees, I'm sorry about his fall. I hope that hospice will help.

[Leesifer]

Well, he's definitely going in for a week on Monday. To be quite honest, it's a relief for me. I will get the chance to recharge my batteries for when (if) he comes home again.

And I'm not going to the party tonight now. I don't think I can handle it at the moment - I'm a bit too emotional to see all my girlfriends right now.

[Beth]

I understand, Lees. It might be hard to try to put a brave face on for your friends. I'm glad that you'll get a weel to recoop. I know it must be very emotionally and physically demanding on you in caring for your husband. At least hospice will have nurses on duty and he will be taken care while you get a break.

[Smilin]

Lees,

Want some chocolate? :chocoluv:

I can only offer emotional support, but I am here if you'd like to discuss anything at all. :hugsmile:

[LadyShea]

Lees, being a caretaker is one of the most stressful things that people can go through. If help is available to you, take it.

Please take care of yourself. You're in my thoughts

[Leesifer]

I know, LadyShea. He will be much, much better off in the hospice but I feel so guilty that I'm sort of looking forward to him going there.

I know I will have loads of offers from family and friends to come and stay here with me but I am going to decline them. I need my own space, I really do and I haven't had any of my own space for a year and a half. Obviously, I will be seeing them and spending time with them but I am going to try and convince them that I don't need them to stay here.

Silly things really, I'm looking forward to being able to clean the house. It's a complete tip at the moment. I'm going to get my steam cleaner out and give it a right going over.

I am also looking forward to being able to sleep through the night. Even the nurse that was here last night had to wake me at 4:00 a.m. to help get him up off the bed, and she's here so that I don't have to do that!

[LadyShea]

I understand, and know myself well enough to be certain that I would feel guilt too. So, I am here to tell you not to, that you need to be healthy, mentally and phsyically in order to care for your husband. You will still feel guilt, but hopefully you won't internalize it.

Just realize that you are a human being under tremendous pressure and are doing a great job just by not breaking into pieces, okay?

[SharonDee]

Just realize that you are a human being under tremendous pressure and are doing a great job just by not breaking into pieces, okay?
:yeahthat:


Lees :rarrow: :huggle::larrow: Sharon

[Legs]

(((( Lees )))) We are all thinking about you. Don't feel guilty about wanting proper care for your husband, it is really better for him too.

Think about the party again, maybe you could just stop in for a half hour?

[freemonkey]

{{{Lees}}} You need a break, please try not to feel guilty about his going to hospice. It'll be better all around. Can you visit him there? And though your friends and family are just trying to help, I hope you can get them to see you need some solitude. Take care of yourself.

[Leesifer]

Thank you everybody. Luckily, Bill's niece is here at the moment, giving him attention so I can play in chat. :vibes:

[ceptimus]

Sorry to hear what you're going through, Lees.

:unglomp:

[JoeP]

Yes, the guilt is understandable, but you deserve the break and the help - and he needs more strength and energy from carers than you can be expected to give!

This is for you: :beer:

[Angakuk]

Lees, I have a lot of experience with terminal cancer patients and their families, kind of comes with the job. Anyway, one thing I have observed over the years, no matter how much a caregiver does they always feel as if they could have done more, even if it was not possible to have done more. This leaves the caregiver with a huge load of inappropriate guilt.

I think this sense of not having done enough has its roots in the hope of achieving an unrealistic goal. That is, the caregiver wants to give enough care so that the sick person will get well. With a terminal patient this is an unrealistic expectation, nonetheless the expectation exists, often subconsciously. It often gets expressed in phrases like "If only I had done more he would have gotten better." or "If only I had done more she would not have suffered so much." The sad reality is that we can not always fix what is wrong. The very most we can do is to do our best. For a caregiver, part of that best is taking care of themselves as well. That is one of the reasons for the existence of Hospice. Sometimes, the very best one can do, is let someone else carry the burden for awhile. It would be silly of me to tell you to not feel guilty. You are going to feel guilty because you care and you can't fix what is wrong. Please know that though the guilt is natural it is also undeserved. Keep doing your best for your husband and for yourself. That is the most that you can do.

If it brings you any comfort, know that I am praying for you. If that does not bring comfort, then know, at least, that I wish you well.

Angakuk

[BDS]

I bet you're a heck of a minister, Angakuk. Good post.

[godfry n. glad]

I will personally attest to what Angakuk has said.

The worst for me was my personal powerlessness to do anything curative for my wife.

[Leesifer]

If it brings you any comfort, know that I am praying for you. If that does not bring comfort, then know, at least, that I wish you well.
Thank you Angakuk for your whole post. I've just quoted the above because, even though I'm not religious myself, it does bring me comfort.
I bet you're a heck of a minister, Angakuk.
Yeah that!
I will personally attest to what Angakuk has said.
The worst for me was my personal powerlessness to do anything curative for my wife.
:huggle: I know, godfry.

[The Lone Ranger]

I'm so sorry, Lees!

It is indeed natural to feel some guilt for your feelings of relief under the circumstances, but it in no way means you're a bad person. Just the opposite -- if you didn't love him, you wouldn't be feeling guilty.

Cancer's a real bitch. The whole problem is that the cancer cells are your cells -- so anything that'll kill the cancer cells will also kill "normal" body cells. That's why cancer treatments generally have so many side effects. Basically, most such treatments consist of poisoning the person (with radiation and/or chemicals) and hoping that it kills the cancer before doing irreparable harm to the rest of the body.

I'm so sorry Bill has to go through that. Even so, he's lucky indeed to have you there for him!


The very best of wishes for the both of you.

:huggle:

Michael

[viscousmemories]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, Lees, and that I didn't see this thread sooner. :hug:

[Leesifer]

Thanks again everybody.

I suppose I should be making a journal really but you are my sounding board at the moment - whether you like it or not. :ffsmile:

Bill is in the hospice now and it is a lovely place with lovely people - the majority of which are volunteers. He has a bed near patio doors overlooking pretty gardens, which is a lot more than he had here.

It was the hardest thing to leave him in there, even though his sister was there. It didn't help that he started acting up as I left - obviously to keep me there but they told me to go home and try and relax.

It's so hard. I know it's only the first day and I know(think) he's better off but I feel like I've abandoned him.

Anyhow, please don't feel like you always have to reply when I post. It helps me to type it down and, I don't know why, but it's easier in a thread than making a proper journal about it. :dunno:

Anyhow, I've got myself a bottle of wine, and am cooking myself a chilli for dinner - which should last me about 3 days it's so huge.

I'm going to mess about online until I'm absolutely knackered then hit the sack.

[Crumb]

:huggle: Sounds like you did the right thing Lees. Feel free to write as much as need to here.

[Leesifer]

Apparently, he's asleep now. He kept asking for me but they've told him I have to work, so that I'm not there 24/7 because this is supposed to be a break for me too!

Anyhow, I can have a lie in tomorrow then just spend my "lunch hour" with him and perhaps go back for a while in the evening.

This will sound totally daft but I am looking forward to blitzing the house with my steam cleaner and then attacking all the weeds and overgrown shrubs in the garden.

[Crumb]

This will sound totally daft but I am looking forward to blitzing the house with my steam cleaner and then attacking all the weeds and overgrown shrubs in the garden.
That sounds totally daft.

[Leesifer]

You are!

[godfry n. glad]

Type away. I'll listen. I don't think it's daft at all. If that is what calms you and allows you to relax, then, by all means, do it.

[Smilin]

Yes, lees, feel free to use us as your sounding board. :)

[Sock Puppet]

This will sound totally daft but I am looking forward to blitzing the house with my steam cleaner and then attacking all the weeds and overgrown shrubs in the garden.
Not daft at all. Normally I hate yardwork, but when I've had an exhausting time dealing with interpersonal and emotional stuff, there's nothing better.

[Plant Woman]

Lees, I didn't see this thread until now. My heart goes out to you :hug:. On the guilt thing, I understand this as I still am beating myself up about, maybe if I had done this, or that, the outcome would have been different. But hearing you feel guilty helps me put my own guilt feelings into perspective especially when I can look towards you and know that you have nothing to feel guilty about, it helps me realize that I should be kinder to myself and realize I did everything to the best of my ability. So, maybe you can do the same, by looking at someone else who may have those same feelings and you understand they did what they could and maybe be able to turn and give that to yourself too.

You are awesome, you know that don't you? You are doing something few people have the courage, or guts to do, taking care of your beloved through the worst time in his life. There is nothing more loving and kind that you could do for anyone than what you are doing now. It definately is ok to get a break, everyone else that is caring for him, gets a break, and you deserve it the most!

You having some rest time will help, but just a warning that it may be a bit painful too, as you will have some time to think about what is going on. A journal is a good idea, but writing here helped me too, and hearing others helped keep me grounded so to speak. So I agree about you writing what you need, when you feel the need. Please take real good care of yourself and try not to feel guilty. I will stay aware better, and I'm sorry I didn't see your thread until now. I will be here for you as you were for me, when I went down this road.

[livius drusus]

All along you've made the choices you needed to make to ensure Bill gets the best care available, Lees. Now your time with him won't be backbreaking (literally in some cases, as Godwhacker mentioned in pepper's thread about her elderly neighbor) labour, but being together in an environment that is safe for the both of you.

That is as good a thing as there is to be found in these awful circumstances. I'm relieved you're taking care of yourself. Stick with it. :snuggles:

[Leesifer]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I had tons more to say but couldn't put it into words.

Just thanks.

[Plant Woman]

Leesifer, I do understand Lees. And thank you!

Enjoy your time in the garden; as weird as it sounds, pulling weeds, pruning shrubs, or just talking to the plants is cathartic!

[Legs]

You are awesome, you know that don't you?

:yeahthat:

Lees, I think about you all the time, you are dealing with so much yet you still have a sense of humour and always have time for a kind word and to ask how other people are doing. :hug:

I'm glad Bill is at the hospice and you are getting a bit of a break. Just keep taking it a day at a time and know we are always around to listen.

[Dingfod]

On the subject of the cancer, my new coworker, Glen, found out last weekend that his mother has advanced lung cancer. She is too poor to afford medical care and has too many assets to get free care. She is 60 years old, too young to qualify for Medicare, and Texas Medicaid requires you be completely broke before you qualify. She owns her house and 3 acres in Texas free and clear and won't give it up, says she worked too long and hard to get it and keep it. Her doctor told her she should be in hospice care, but she refused because they would make her quit smoking. Her doctor thought that at this point the withdrawal symptoms might make her suffering worse.

Glen went down last Wednesday, got her to the doctor, got her house cleaned up, installed two window airconditioners in her house, and fixed the plumbing, just to make it more comfortable. He also took care of pre-arranging her funeral and Do Not Resuscitate paperwork. That's what she wanted. She wants to stay at home and die. I feel sorry for Glen. For one thing, he has two brothers that live in that area and they didn't do a damn thing for their mother. Now he wants nothing more to do with them. And I don't blame him.

[pescifish]

You are awesome, you know that don't you? You are doing something few people have the courage, or guts to do, taking care of your beloved through the worst time in his life. There is nothing more loving and kind that you could do for anyone than what you are doing now. It definately is ok to get a break, everyone else that is caring for him, gets a break, and you deserve it the most!Another :yeahthat: from me.
Now your time with him won't be backbreaking (literally in some cases, as Godwhacker mentioned in pepper's thread about her elderly neighbor) labour, but being together in an environment that is safe for the both of you.I think it's good that the time you can spend with Bill can be husband/wife rather than sick/caregiver. Sometimes the fundamental relationship can be overwhelmed when the caregiving consumes all thoughts and deeds. Now that he is getting good care from others, you can spend your time with him as his wife and friend.

[Angakuk]

I think it's good that the time you can spend with Bill can be husband/wife rather than sick/caregiver. Sometimes the fundamental relationship can be overwhelmed when the caregiving consumes all thoughts and deeds. Now that he is getting good care from others, you can spend your time with him as his wife and friend.
That is a very profound insight pescifish. Something I have observed in nursing homes is the inability of some spouses to surrender the role of care giver to those whose job it is to provide that care. It seems that sometimes, somewhere in the process, the self-identification as a care giver can take over all of the other relationship roles. Maintenance of those other roles is, in my opinion, essential to the emotional and mental well being of both parties.

Lees, it is important that you not forget who you and Bill are, and have been, in relation to one another. Although his illness has assumed an enormous significance, it is not the sum-total of who you are as a couple. You are still all those things to each other that you were before he got sick. Hold on to that truth, even though his illness challenges it every day.

Angakuk

[Leesifer]

A quick update.

It's just a matter of time now - they can't really say because he is young (for this stage of cancer anyhow) - 52. It could be tonight, tomorrow or next week some time. His heart is strong, so he can take all the medication and, believe me, he's on a shit load of medication at the moment.

He was sleeping peacefully when I left the hospice tonight but he is unable to speak. The Doctors think that he can hear and understand so we are talking to him when he's "awake". He was very agitated this afternoon, pulling at his t-shirt and fidgeting. One of the Doctors mentioned that this can happen "towards the end".

His daughter has flown in from Australia tonight - she's just landed. They couldn't even say whether we should take her straight to the hospice, which wouldn't be until around 11:30 p.m by the time she gets here. She's staying with me tonight along with Bill's sister just in case we get the dreaded call.

I actually feel quite calm at the moment. He doesn't acknowledge me at all when I go there but will wave at people that haven't been to visit him before - like my brother today, he got a nice wave and Bill really tried to wake up but couldn't.

My one wish now is that it's quick and that he doesn't suffer.

My poor Bill. :(

[Plant Woman]

I am keeping you in my thoughts and hope that he goes peacefully.

[Crumb]

Thinking about you and Bill, Lees. I hope for the best. :huggle:

[godfry n. glad]

You're in my thoughts. :tissue:

[Smilin]

Wow....just wow.......

Lees, you and Bill are both in my hopes and thoughts. All I can offer is a cyber hug, but here...have one. :smilehug:

If you need to talk, we are here for yah! Always remember that.

[Sock Puppet]

If you need to talk, we are here for yah! Always remember that.
Absolutely. E-mail as well, if you'd like, Lees. My heart goes out to you both.

[livius drusus]

I'm so sorry, Lees. I've been thinking about you and Bill all day, as I will keep doing. :badday:

[Fibonacci]

Lees, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I will focus some positive vibes your way.

For those who enjoy information and truth.
http://www.cancertutor.com/

[LadyShea]

Crying for you and sending much love and hugs, Lees.

[Leesifer]

I just can't thank you all enough. Obviously, I'm getting support from friends and family but it really, really helps to be able to just type things down. I have no idea how the next few days will be.

I just hope he manages to hang on long enough to see Jess, his daughter. She hasn't seen him for a year and a half and, however much you try to prepare somebody, it is going to be such a huge, huge shock for her to see him as he is now.

I must admit to have been unsure whether I wanted (could cope) with her staying here but now I totally do. This is where her Dad lived and was happy. When she and her brother emigrated with their Mum, she took one of her Dad's jumpers with her to sleep with under her pillow so she could "smell" him. :aww: She was so pissed off when her Mum washed the jumper.

[Puck]

Hugs, Lees.

Hospice is the best and I'm glad to hear they are involved with Bills care. As you can see, they take good care of you, too.

I'm thinking of you, and will pop in here to see how you are doing. I too, care.

[Legs]

Lees, I have been thinking about you and Bill all day. I am so glad he is not suffering and they have him medicated. Everyone deserves a death with dignity and loved ones nearby. I am also happy to hear you have support of your family like your Brother visiting today.

It is wonderful that Bill's daughter is on her way and can be with him for a little while.

Please know that we are all sending you and your family our best wishes :hug:

[lisarea]

Lees, I'm so sorry.

I'm all helpless and stuck for words, but I'm thinking of you too. Take care of yourself.

[SharonDee]

Lees, add me to the list of people thinking of you and Bill. I'm glad you have so many flesh 'n' blood folks with you to help with the physical and emotional difficulties of this.

:huggle:

[freemonkey]

Oh Lees, I just now read this. I'm so sorry. I had a bunch of stuff to say, but after reading it decided none of it was sufficient. Big hugs, Lees.

[pescifish]

Sad news and I am glad he has so many of his loved ones and family with him. My thoughts are with both of you.
:hug:

[Leesifer]

Bill died at 3:45 this morning.

Funnily enough, it seems I woke up more or less as he died.

We've just got back from seeing him for the last time.

[Dingfod]

I'm so sorry, Leesifer. I wish I could offer more than just virtual hugs.

[freemonkey]

{{{{{{Lees}}}}}}

[Beth]

Lees, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say.

[Angakuk]

My deepest sympathy Lees. Did his daughter get to visit him before he died? Hang in and hang on.

[Plant Woman]

My heartfelt sympathies, Lees. (((((((((((Lees))))))))))))))))

[Leesifer]

Did his daughter get to visit him before he died?

Sadly no, Angakuk.

However, I believe it was for the best. He wouldn't have been able to acknowledge her, he was so far gone and it was very distressing to see, even being used to it.

He look so peaceful this morning and much more like her Dad than he has in a long, long time. She seems to be doing OK, but it's very early days and she must be jet-lagged. Bill's son is flying over on Saturday now.

[The Lone Ranger]

My deepest sympathy, Leesifer. For what it's worth, please add me to the list of people who're just a PM or e-mail away.

All the best,

Michael

[Legs]

Lees, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help. :hug:

Please take care.

[SharonDee]

((((Lees)))) ... words fail, inadequate things that they are.

:hug:

[livius drusus]

Oh Lees, I'm sorry. Take care of yourself, please. :hugme:

[But]

I'm sorry.

{{{{{{Leesifer}}}}}}

[D. Scarlatti]

Awful sorry Leesifer.

[Kevlar]

I just got the news Lees. You're a good Internet buddy, and I hope you still find a minute or two in the coming days to drop by and chat. Most importantly, please let me know how you are doing!

[pescifish]

Leesifer, I'm so sorry.

[Smilin]

Lees,

How are you holding up? Words fail me at the moment. All I can offer you is a cyber hug and the willingness to listen...If you ever need someone to talk to PM me.

[quiet bear]

Please accept my condolences.

[Puck]

Hugs, Lees. Many virtual hugs.

I'm so sorry you and Bill had to do this. Please know that people world-wide have sad hearts today. I know mine is.

[LadyShea]

My deepest condolences, Lees. Please take care of yourself and check in when you can.

[Sock Puppet]

As many others here, I haven't words to convey how sorry I am, Lees. You're a wonderful person and I'm sure Bill was greatly blessed by having you for a life partner. You are in my thoughts as you go through this time of pain and loss.

[Leesifer]

Thanks everybody.

Jess (Bill's daughter) is currently down our local pub with two of Bill's oldest friends, which is nice. They went down to his studio at the bottom of our garden earlier to play some of his songs.

I'm doing OK. The tears catch me unawares quite often. We've managed to arrange for most of the hospital equipment to be collected today and I've taken back all his unused medicines, registered the death (which has to be done within 5 days).

Tomorrow we are going to look at a possible place for the funeral. It sounds really nice - here's their introduction:

We, at Woodland and Wildlife, joined the natural or ‘green' burial movement because
we wished to preserve some of the existing countryside for future generations. We
have a serious concern that, piece by piece, the countryside will be developed so that
in only 30/40 years there will be no green spaces left in the South-East corner of
England.

The term ‘green burial’ means an eco-friendly burial in a wood or meadow so as to
create and protect wildlife habitat. Where families prefer cremation, rather than
burial, we will arrange for the service to be held in our Hall of Remembrance at
Herongate Wood, followed by cremation at a local crematorium. The ashes are then
buried at Herongate Wood.

These woods and meadows provide a green refuge for birds and wild flowers to
flourish. Young trees will be planted across the area used for burials, extending the
wood; a place of life, colour and birdsong.

Around you and those you love, a beautiful landscape will be created and preserved.
We plan that no grave will ever be re-used or disturbed so that those who lie here will
‘Rest in Peace’ in the truest sense of the words.

[curses]

Oh gosh, Lees. I'm so sorry. Add another one to the list of PMs if you ever need an open ear. :hug:

I like the sound of that cemetery(?), Lees. I like the idea of the green burial.

And because you can't have enough internet hugs...
{{{{{{{{Lees}}}}}}}}

[livius drusus]

Green burials are very respectful, I find, of everyone and everything involved in the funerary process. Had you and Bill discussed his burial at all?

[Leesifer]

Yes, liv. He always said, even before he was ill, that he'd like to be buried in a forest or, at least, underneath a tree, so he could act as fertilizer. :)

[livius drusus]

What a cool guy he was. :hug:

[BDS]

"Call no man happy 'till he is dead." Aeschelus (From Agememnon).

It's is the living who are sad. My condolences, Leesifer.

[wei yau]

Please accept my deepest apologies for not having seen this thread until now. You have my sincerest sympathies and I know that you must have been a comfort to your husband.

I am very sorry for your loss and I'll always be here to lend a kind ear, heartfelt hug or even a sympathy gromp.

[Leesifer]

Here's the link to the whole green burial (http://www.green-burial.co.uk/) site.

/me looks forward to her sympathy gromp.

[Smilin]

:allglomp:

[Ymir's blood]

I am sorry for your loss. :(

[Smilin]

http://www.green-burial.co.uk/gallery/burial_17.jpg

Bluebell wildflowers with ground nesting birds. What a peaceful, tranquil place to be buried in.

[LadyShea]

That sounds like a lovely final resting spot, Lees.

[livius drusus]

Beautiful, beautiful spot.

:gromp:

[Plant Woman]

What a beautiful place, Lees, it sounds perfect. Add me to the list of someone you can pm, if you feel the need.

[Crumb]

So sorry Lees. Don't know what to say. I hope you have loved ones around to help comfort you.

:gromp:

[lisarea]

Aww, Lees, you've been through so much. Take care of yourself.

The green burial is so pretty and peaceful. It looks like a perfect way to remember him.

I'm not very good at the smiley thing, but for you, I'll try.

:flomp:

[freemonkey]

What a beautiful place, I wouldn't mind spending time there. :bigglomp:

[One for Sorrow]

There are not enough of these hug smileys in the world... :badday:

[wildernesse]

I'm so sorry to hear of your news. My thoughts are with you.

[JoeP]

Oh Lees. :smilehug:

The tears catch me unawares quite often. :sad: :sadyup:

And because you can't have enough internet hugs...{{{{{{{ Lees }}}}}}}

[JoeP]

Oh ... and :gromp::gromp::gromp::gromp::gromp:
:gromp::gromp::gromp::gromp::gromp:

[Smilin]

We love you skunk!

http://www.tropicalwings.co.uk/skunk%20hug.jpg

[Legs]

The green burial is so pretty and peaceful. It looks like a perfect way to remember him.


Yes it does. A beautiful setting.

((( Lees ))) been thinking about you all day.

[Sock Puppet]

I was just searching on Bill's profile, and discovered that he never had a chance to post here. I regret that we never got to know him firsthand. I am certain we would have been fortunate to have done so.

[godfry n. glad]

Leesifer...

:cheerhug:

I'm sorry to hear the news. You have my condolensces on your loss.

Everybody approaches the grieving process with their own idiosyncracies and each needs to work through that process in a time and manner which suits their personal needs.

I spent two weeks pacing in circles around my house, collapsing on the floor and crying in a fetal position for seemingly hours. The hole in my life was palpable and the emotional pain seemed endless. I spent a lot of time trying to control the grief...which was pointless, 'cause it didn't work. For months afterwards, I'd have to excuse myself and go sit and cry in the men's room at work. Then there was my anger....Anger at my impotence in dealing with cancer, anger at the faux hope that we constructed hoping she would improve, and worst of all, anger that the most wonderful part of my life, a truly wonderous and talented woman, suffered and died, while protoplasmic collections of dubious import and worth continued to walk this earth. I still carry some of that with me to this day, nearly three years later. I still cry on occasion...usually because something that reminds me of the blissful years we spent together.

I hope you can grieve your loss and heal sooner than I. I'm sorry Bill is gone, and I hope he is, as I told friends about my wife, "off on another adventure." I wish you to carry your memories of Bill and your time together as pleasant memories for the rest of your life. It seems Bill's time came too soon. I wish I could be there and give you a hug in person. You have lots of friends here at ff, and I assume that you have lots of friends and family in RL...turn to them, lean on them, talk to them. If there is anything I can do from this remove, please...ask.

godfry n. sad4u

[ms_ann_thrope]

I send you thoughts of peace and comfort, Leesifer. :badday:

[viscousmemories]

:unsad: :unglomp:

[Leesifer]

Thanks everybody for all your lovely comments and for the gromps and smilies.

lisarea done the smiley thing for me. :vibes:

One for Sorrow, I love your avatar, thank you.

Smilin - put that skunk down, for heaven's sake. :nojustno:

Sock, Bill was fairly ill when he joined, and that was really just to play in the arcade. He did for a couple of days.

JoeP, thanks for the multi-glomps.

godfry, I did the fetal position crying jag a couple of nights ago. I'm just glad nobody else was here at the time. :huggle:

vm, an :unglomp: is always welcome.

liv, Legs, Kev, minus, Ymir's, LadyShea, freemonkey, p-dub, wildernesse, sock,Scarlatti, ms_ann, Crumb: :bigglomp:

If I have missed anybody, I apologise.

Thank you so much everybody. :fflove:

[Legs]

Lees :hug:

[Petra]

Oh, Lees. I'm so very, very sorry. :(

[cappuccino]

Oh Lees, I just saw your post. I'm sorry to hear of your husband's passing...it brought a few tears to my eyes. Losing people is hard.

At least he passed away peacefully. ((((hugs)))) here's a cyberhug from me.

[Stormlight]

I just saw your post, Lees. I'm so very sorry. Please take care of yourself. :(

:gromp:

[ChuckF]

Lees, I only just heard about this thread. I'm so, so sorry to hear this news, and I can't believe how strong you are. I wish you the best getting through this difficult time. :hugme:

[Dragar]

I only just read this. I'm so sorry, Lees. Hang in there.

[Leesifer]

We went to see the burial site today. It's lovely. The funeral will be on Friday 21st July at 1:00 p.m.

We are hoping the weather will be good, so that we can have the service outside next to the pond.

I think that it will be the hardest day for me even after everything else we've been through.

[pescifish]

Leesifer, I wish I could be with you in person to help you get through this. :hug:
The place he will be buried sounds so lovely.

[fragment]

((((( Leesifer )))))

I just read the sad news. I have no real words for you, other than that I'm so sorry, and I'm another of your FF-friends who has been thinking of you.

[viscousmemories]

Lees, in case you missed it in the countdown thread: :hug:

I'm glad you're here.

[Annie]

Bill died at 3:45 this morning.

We've just got back from seeing him for the last time.

Please accept my :bigtear: sympathy, Lee, in the passing of your beloved companion in your life :comfort:

Annie

[Blake]

I'm very, very sorry, Leesifer. Since you like glomps, here's mine: :glomp2:

You deserve a :medal: too.

[Sauron]

Well as most of you probably know, my husband, Bill(zibub) has lung and brain cancer.
[...]
I spoke to the nurse this evening and she basically said it seems that he won't be able to tolerate any more chemotherapy. Which means, this is it. No more treatment. It is now just a matter of time. Not that it wasn't before but, there's always a bit of hope when someone is having treatment.


Oh god Leesifer....I'm so sorry. There just isn't anything that I can say, that will change things. Focus on Bill, and giving him the help and support he needs right now. It'll make you feel like you're doing something worthwhile and still fighting the good fight.

That's probably obvious, isn't it...I should just shut up now....

Edited to add: I should have read the entire thread first. I didn't realize that Bill passed so quickly.

[Sauron]

On the subject of the cancer, my new coworker, Glen, found out last weekend that his mother has advanced lung cancer. She is too poor to afford medical care and has too many assets to get free care. She is 60 years old, too young to qualify for Medicare, and Texas Medicaid requires you be completely broke before you qualify.

Dammit I hate this country sometimes.

[Sauron]

Here's the link to the whole green burial (http://www.green-burial.co.uk/) site.

* Leesifer looks forward to her sympathy gromp.

:gromp: :gromp: :gromp:

…on a night of rain Frodo smelled a sweet fragrance on the air and heard the sound of singing that came over the water. And then it seemed to him that as in his dream in the house of Bombadil, the grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a fair green country under a swift sunrise.

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

:cheered: :hug: :badday: :badday: :badday: Lees, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm another one who's one PM/email away.

[inland wave]

Lees, I am sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and eat to keep your strength up, even it's just a little bit. We are here for you.

[Leesifer]

Thanks again, everybody.

Well, I've just found out that two of Bill's cousins also have/had lung cancer. One of whom died on the same day as Bill last week.

[freemonkey]

Oh, wow.

[Smilin]

:cheerup: For you Lees. :)

[Adam]

Oh, hell, Lees, I just read this. I'm sorry I didn't pop in sooner. I know nothing I can say makes a difference,and others have been far more eloquent than I can be, but for what it's worth, know that I'm sitting here thinking about you.

The burial place looks beautiful. It's silly, really, but I remember, after my favorite aunt died, that making funeral arrangements that I knew she woudl have approved of made me feel better, like there was still somethgin I could give her. I hope it's the same for you.

Adamski

[Shake]

Aw shit, Lees, I've just come across this thread. I'm so sorry; I haven't been on the boards much lately, so I missed this thread.

I'm afraid words fail me now. Just know that I'm sorry for your loss. :badday:
:sadnana: