Would you tell on a cheating spouse?

[Bella]

Jek is a manager at a store. She has been suspecting that her GM, Jason, has been cheating on his wife for some time. Today she got that information confirmed - he's cheating with an associate that works in the store. The problem is that Jason's wife is Jek's best friend.

I personally don't think it's any of anyone else's business. Jason has been caught cheating twice before this incident and both times it almost ended in a divorce. This third time would guarantee a break-up. I just don't think that Jek should get involved, for personal and professional reasons.

To tell, or not to tell?

[beyelzu]

I dont know the professional reasons are pretty interesting. The gm shouldnt be fucking an associate, that can lead to sexual harassment charges even if it isnt against company policy which it almost certainly is.


In general, I think that if someone knows that a friend of theirs is being cheated on they should definitely tell the other party.

I think Jek should tell her friend, but be prepared to contact higher ups in the company in case of a retalitory firing.

[LadyShea]

If it was my best friend being cheated on, and I had hard evidence, yes, I would tell her. He could be exposing his wife to disease, he could get this other woman pregnant affecting his wife's life adversly, it's not a benign situation.

[Nil Desperandum]

Ok, ...

I'd say, for personal and professional reasons, he shouldn't be fucking someone other than his wife. But that's just me, being loyal and all.

He can't complain he smells like shit when he walks through a pile of cow manure, can he?

Chris

[Dingfod]

If it was my best friend being cheated on, and I had hard evidence, yes, I would tell her. He could be exposing his wife to disease, he could get this other woman pregnant affecting his wife's life adversly, it's not a benign situation.What LadyShea said. But, I would probably tell the cheater to his face to tell his wife or I would, then I would follow up to make sure he did.



Of course, if this could be used as blackmail to get a promotion or monetary payments, by all means, use him.


I was joost keeding! *rimshot*

[freemonkey]

When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I also found out that some friends knew, and did not tell me. I felt hurt and betrayed, and to this day have remained friends with only one couple.

Fortunately, I've never been in the position of having to tell a close friend that his/her SO was cheating, but I can imagine how hard it could be.

[Godless Dave]

Since it's Jek's close friend, she should probably tell her. But she should also be prepared for her friend to deny it and/or blame Jek.

[Socratoad]

If my friend was being cheated on I would tell her/him in a heartbeat. Is that not what friends do for each other?

On the other hand like Godless Dave mentioned, one must be prepared that the friend may end up resenting you. People can, and often are, the strangest creatures of the planet ...... and therefore often choose blissful denial over painful truths.

PS: If the person/persons were not very close friends I would mind my own business. I'm a big boy now. :yup:

[HelenM]

Jek is a manager at a store. She has been suspecting that her GM, Jason, has been cheating on his wife for some time. Today she got that information confirmed - he's cheating with an associate that works in the store. The problem is that Jason's wife is Jek's best friend.

I personally don't think it's any of anyone else's business. Jason has been caught cheating twice before this incident and both times it almost ended in a divorce. This third time would guarantee a break-up. I just don't think that Jek should get involved, for personal and professional reasons.

To tell, or not to tell?

If you're someone's best friend, you already are involved. You can't suddenly decide to be less involved because something has happened that has to do with your best friend which will be difficult to tell her.

Professionally it seems like a bad situation to be working for a man who is untrustworthy enough to repeatedly cheat on his wife. I don't see how someone who can't manage his personal life better can be a great manager. If Jek tells his wife and he takes it out on Jek, she can talk to his superiors and either a) they will value integrity and trust in their employees and will see him as the problem, not Jek or b) they won't care because integrity and trust don't matter to them either, in which case I think she'd be better off seeking a job where the senior management has more integrity anyway.

Helen

[viscousmemories]

According to the Xbox game Fable, informing someone that their spouse is cheating on them is a Good Deed and shifts your alignment slightly to the good side.

[beyelzu]

According to the Xbox game Fable, informing someone that their spouse is cheating on them is a Good Deed and shifts your alignment slightly to the good side.
well shit, if you cant trust fable for moral guidance where you going to turn the bible? :D

[Adora]

Jason has been caught cheating twice before this incident and both times it almost ended in a divorce.
So first of all, the wife's a bit thick for still staying with him. I mean, come the fuck on.

The problem is that Jason's wife is Jek's best friend.
I don't see why this is a problem. If she is teh bestest friend, she'd step up and do the right thing.

[seebs]

Ugh.

No good answers, here.

I am inclined to leave people to their own moral decisions. I think the Catholics have the concept of the "confessional" right.

But... I'd certainly confront the guy, ask him what the fuck he thinks he's doing, and suggest that, if he's got balls enough to fuck two women, he oughta have balls enough to talk to them about it.

MHO.

[ApostateAbe]

A rule I have is that I do not go out of my way to divide anyone else's relationships. If it is none of my business, it stays none of my business.

[HelenM]

But... I'd certainly confront the guy, ask him what the fuck he thinks he's doing, and suggest that, if he's got balls enough to fuck two women, he oughta have balls enough to talk to them about it.

I don't know that confronting a boss about his personal affairs is warranted or wise. If he's contravening company policy and Jek wants to say something about that wouldn't it be best to go to his boss, not him?

On the other hand, I think that telling her best friend something she found out which pertains to her friend is part of what being a best friend is about.

Helen

[Godless Dave]

I don't know that confronting a boss about his personal affairs is warranted or wise. If he's contravening company policy and Jek wants to say something about that wouldn't it be best to go to his boss, not him?
That's what I think. Having an affair with a subordinate could expose the company to a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[LadyShea]

A rule I have is that I do not go out of my way to divide anyone else's relationships. If it is none of my business, it stays none of my business.

Do you limit this to just relationships? Why? If you knew someone was embezzling money from your best friend, or planning to hurt him/her would you not inform them of what you know?

And informing is not necessarily dividing.

[LadyXoc]

I don't know that confronting a boss about his personal affairs is warranted or wise. If he's contravening company policy and Jek wants to say something about that wouldn't it be best to go to his boss, not him?

On the other hand, I think that telling her best friend something she found out which pertains to her friend is part of what being a best friend is about.


I agree.

[Lauri D]

When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I also found out that some friends knew, and did not tell me. I felt hurt and betrayed, and to this day have remained friends with only one couple. Me too, except that I am no longer friends with any of them because they chose to "stick with" the other party, one couple in particular specifically because of him being at least vaguely atheistic as opposed to my open godlessness. Insert huge rolleyes emoticon here.

(And half of the couple I speak of, I had known for my whole life, literally.)

[ApostateAbe]

A rule I have is that I do not go out of my way to divide anyone else's relationships. If it is none of my business, it stays none of my business.
Do you limit this to just relationships? Why? If you knew someone was embezzling money from your best friend, or planning to hurt him/her would you not inform them of what you know?

And informing is not necessarily dividing. First question: Yes.

Second question: Many reasons. Firstly, they don't tell me the details of their relationships most of the time. For all I know, the cheating may be justified. Or they may be happier if the victim of the cheating never finds out. Secondly, I don't want to make a new enemy. The cheater may accuse me of lying, and the victim may think I am mistaken. Thirdly, I don't want to be seen as a spy that can't be trusted with personal information. Fourthly, I don't want to be involved in their messed-up relationship. I want to be far-removed from the madness. Fifthly, I have no gain in doing it. If I were a close friend to someone, then I may report cheating only if I am sure that is what they want.

Third question: I would inform them.

[ApostateAbe]

When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I also found out that some friends knew, and did not tell me. I felt hurt and betrayed, and to this day have remained friends with only one couple.
That is a big mistake in my opinion, freemonkey. Your friends are much more valuable than your lover.

[LadyShea]

Second question: Many reasons. Firstly, they don't tell me the details of their relationships most of the time.

This is her best friend and the relationship is married. She needs no other details.

For all I know, the cheating may be justified.

Marriage is a contract or agreement even for those who don't view it as sacred. Breaking that contract is never justified. If you want someone other than your spouse, you either form a new contract that allows for outside relationships, or you leave the partnership. To do otherwise is dishonest and can be detrimental to them phsyically, emotionally, or financially.

Or they may be happier if the victim of the cheating never finds out.

Ignorance is bliss? I think everyone has a right to know if they are being victimized.

Secondly, I don't want to make a new enemy. The cheater may accuse me of lying, and the victim may think I am mistaken.

All you can do is present your evidence and let them sort it out. What they "think" doesn't matter, what the reality is does. If the truth makes you an enemy, then what kind of person does that make you and them?

Thirdly, I don't want to be seen as a spy that can't be trusted with personal information.

He didn't tell this third party a secret, so she is not breaking a confidence. He simply wasn't discrete and got caught. That's not spying, that's discovering.

Fourthly, I don't want to be involved in their messed-up relationship. I want to be far-removed from the madness.

But you at the same time don't want them to dislike you. The OP was very clear that she cares about the victim, it is her best friend.

Fifthly, I have no gain in doing it. If I were a close friend to someone, then I may report cheating only if I am sure that is what they want.

How could you possibly ascertain what they would want in a situation they don't know about? The OP, again, said "best friend"...hopefully it has been discussed, I know I have had the "I would want to know" discussion with all of my friends.

Third question: I would inform them.

A large number of affairs end up with diseases being transmitted, pregnancy of the other person, violence with inevitable discovery, deep emotional scarring....is this not dangerous enough for you to warn your friend?

[LadyShea]

That is a big mistake in my opinion, freemonkey. Your friends are much more valuable than your lover.

It wasn't just her lover, it was her husband, and her so-called friends allowed her to be hurt and humiliated. I don't think people like that are more important than anything, I think they're disloyal cowards.

I try really hard to understand you Abe, but your values and morals are very alien to me.

[ApostateAbe]

That is a big mistake in my opinion, freemonkey. Your friends are much more valuable than your lover.
It wasn't just her lover, it was her husband, and her so-called friends allowed her to be hurt and humiliated. I don't think people like that are more important than anything, I think they're disloyal cowards.

I try really hard to understand you Abe, but your values and morals are very alien to me. If there is anything I can do to help you understand my values and my morals, then please inquire.

[LadyShea]

[QUOTE=ApostateAbe]
I try really hard to understand you Abe, but your values and morals are very alien to me. If there is anything I can do to help you understand my values and my morals, then please inquire.

Well, I guess my first question would be, what sense of loyalty do you feel towards your friends? Do you wish to protect them? You say they are more valuable then lovers, then you say you wouldn't tell them the truth if they were being victimized in some way. I see that as contradictory. Can you reconcile that for me?

And I apologize, my statement read harsher than I intended when I just reread it.

[ApostateAbe]

[QUOTE=ApostateAbe]
I try really hard to understand you Abe, but your values and morals are very alien to me. If there is anything I can do to help you understand my values and my morals, then please inquire.
Well, I guess my first question would be, what sense of loyalty do you feel towards your friends? Do you wish to protect them? You say they are more valuable then lovers, then you say you wouldn't tell them the truth if they were being victimized in some way. I see that as contradictory. Can you reconcile that for me?

And I apologize, my statement read harsher than I intended when I just reread it. First question: My sense of loyalty involves repaying their favors by enhancing their happiness.

Second question: Yes.

Third question: When I see someone finding out about their lover cheating on him or her, I see more misery than good come out of it. The act of telling my friends about their cheating lovers is more likely to hurt instead of help them. If I know that the information I provide will help my friends, then I will share it. On top of that, I am a selfish person. I prefer to evade stress, drama and accusation when it isn't necessary.

[LadyShea]

First question: My sense of loyalty involves repaying their favors by enhancing their happiness.

Hmm, okay. My friends become my family, and I share good and bad, happy and sad, support and constructive criticism

Third question: When I see someone finding out about their lover cheating on him or her, I see more misery than good come out of it.

That's to be expected because they have been betrayed and humiliated usually. I don't agree though that allowing them to be remain ignorant is in their best interest.

The act of telling my friends about their cheating lovers is more likely to hurt instead of help them. If I know that the information I provide will help my friends, then I will share it.

Of course it will hurt, temporarily, but it is far more likely to help in the long term.

On top of that, I am a selfish person. I prefer to evade stress, drama and accusation when it isn't necessary.

I see

Okay, next question: Would you consider confronting the cheating spouse and urging him/her to stop?

[ApostateAbe]

Okay, next question: Would you consider confronting the cheating spouse and urging him/her to stop?I honestly don't know how my actions would pan out if this sort of thing ever happened, because I have had no similar experience. I can only guess. I think the most likely thing I would do is have a polite conversation involving questions and suggestions. I would mostly suggest that he/she break off the relationship altogether.

[sadashivan]

Marriage and external attraction/infidelity: Fading attraction drives to incline towards fresh and new attractions so can gratify self and fulfil what is lost. Those who are exposed to external environment are easily dragged towards these attractions. Each woman or man working are exposed to external atmosphere, is bound to hate or approve one of many she/ he meets or contacts as behavior of an individual influences others to observe and analyse personality as good or bad or so-so; (look, character, action and etc) in all conditions of yes or no or so-so have the ability to attract in negative or positive one to like and another to despise, so-so characters generally lack to attract deeply as becomes normal. Escaping from this situation is impossible as the brain reacts instantly to beware for right or wrong. The approval indicates the acceptance of personality that matches own. In the offices and other work places spouses meet their colleagues of both sexes. Working men and women spend more on working hours than staying with spouse. Spend most of their day with them eating, chatting, and joking etc; these develop warm relation to step further to get closer. Working woman of strong character having happy married life limits to move forward and strong character with shattered married life will definitely move forward to get closer, will not even care the social impact. On the other hand woman of weak characters are easily motivated to luxury of emotions irrespective of home atmosphere. As far as men are concerned; major percentage believe "if she agrees I will not miss the golden opportunity" but many would wish secretly in order to avoid any clash at home. This is the dream and an expectation of a man, yes, if the relation at home is unsatisfactory becomes journey to heaven. However, no one can stop imagining the dominant personality of colleague (opposite-sex). That means colleague’s personality has influenced enough to remember and entered in the life. Now working woman/ man maintains relation with two, one physical relation and the other in imagination. The comparison of spouse and the colleague begins, environmental effect of home and spouse if is stronger he/she inclines towards home and if not the affection starts with the colleague. Colleague’s initiation helps to establish union, some manage secret relation and some dare to get rid of old relationship. Sexual appetite is essential need of an adult. Some are content and some have great desire due to genetic characteristic, for them controlling sexual desire is very difficult. They need to extinguish their hunger so are in hunt for buddy. Most women control their sexual desire in fear of social consequences, responsibility towards kids and family, insecurity and etc, despite inadequate sexual appetite. Such people are normally upset, restless, tedious and etc; in their life. Sexual appetite is natural process connected with our body and brain functioning, as the relief is by the process of releasing so controlling is not normal can lead to major psychological diseases such as depression, sickness and lifelessness etc; are enough to invite blood pressure, mental and physical problems etc.

Reasons for a woman and man to get involved in extra marital relation may be as I feel:

Powerful emotional and physical attraction of a colleague or other associate pulls the mind and heart to submit.
Dissatisfaction and boring emotional and physical relation with spouse leads extra marital relation. Dull life especially women live in home waiting long-long for spouse.
Lack of motivation for deep involvement in home activities.
Fading spouse’s sexual attraction is a step to establish extra marital relation.
For woman it is also revenge the spouse in cruel relation.
Genetic characteristics of individual for emotional and sexual desire for more sex, variety, addiction, curiosity, drawing opposite sex’s attention to become special.
Open mind for the relation. “Ok, I do not mind having extra relation as we now in modern society”.
Weak and submissive behavior to submit to other’s intentions.
:doh: Link to this article:
http://www.sadashivan.com/marriagedreamswhenfails/

[JoeP]

welcome back, sad!

[fatherphil]

why tell someone something they probably already know?

[BDS]

I love tattling, snitching, ratting people out, narcing, squealing, stool pigeoning, and blabbing. It’s so much fun, getting people in Dutch.

I still wouldn’t blab, though. Why is it my business? Suppose, for example, the spouse knows all about the affair, but doesn’t care. However, if she knows that OTHER PEOPLE know, she may feel she needs to do something about it out of a sense of false pride. She may think her friends and neighbors will despise her if she puts up with it. In fact, she might be right.

I admit that if the person were my “best friend” I’d have more information, and could make a more informed decision, however.

[Fencesitter]

I love tattling, snitching, ratting people out, narcing, squealing, stool pigeoning, and blabbing. It’s so much fun, getting people in Dutch.

I still wouldn’t blab, though. Why is it my business? Suppose, for example, the spouse knows all about the affair, but doesn’t care. However, if she knows that OTHER PEOPLE know, she may feel she needs to do something about it out of a sense of false pride. She may think her friends and neighbors will despise her if she puts up with it. In fact, she might be right.

I admit that if the person were my “best friend” I’d have more information, and could make a more informed decision, however.

Agreed, except for the part about loving tattling. I do love blabbing though.

Relationships are so complex; one never knows what's really going on in them. It's hard enough to figure out what's going on in a relationship where you're one of the participants. It's harder to know when you're hearing something second-hand.

I also agree with much of what ApostateAbe has said for this reason.

Fence