Open Relationships

[Sonnet]

Is there anyone here who's in one, or has been? :search:

How do you do it?

How does the open relationship thing work? Were you born without jealousy, or did it happen somehow over the years? How do you KNOW that your lover is with someone else without feeling sick and angry - even if it means you have license to do the same? How do you get to that mindset? It seems like the most practical, sensible way to have relationships, but HOW DO YOU GET THERE?

:crowded:

[SharonDee]

For whatever it may be worth, I'd like the answer to this, too.

[Farren]

I spent five years in an open relationship and had a "fuck friend" for a year (i.e. We had sex like some people play tennis without any other strings attached). I should say at the outset of this post that I haven't had a lover for over four years; initially due to feelings of inadequacy but more recently simply due to laziness (it seems immensely less like hard work being single). So I'm probably not the best person to be advising anyone but I will recount my own experiences.

I got involved with a very good woman when I was 19 who absolutely adored me. At that point I was excessively cerebral and emotionally stunted so I couldn't figure out what she saw in me but nonetheless she gave me a whole lot of love and taught me how to be a more feely person. She even endured a year of partial impotence which I think was induced by my own self doubt before we actually had enjoyable sex.

In any event at that point I strongly believed that jealousy, like the desire to kill, could be overcome and that overcoming it would significantly expand our options and enrich our lives. So monogamy, in my view, was a repressive position bolstered by reasoning from naturalistic fallacies.

From the start I was brutally frank about this. On the other hand I didn't want to drive away those that I loved (it took me a long time to even admit that, but thats another story) and loved me on a point of principle. So my stated position was "I don't think sexual monogamy is a necessary moral requirement of a relationship, but I'll happily make that sacrifice for you". At first it bothered her a lot, as did tangential issues.

For instance, she'd ask me "Do you look at other women when we go out?" and I'd say "Hell yeah! I'm programmed to. Its not because you're inadequate or anything. You're wonderful. Its just other women are wonderful to look at too". I was pretty honest about everything and with the wisdom of hindsight I realise that isn't always a good thing. Like when she asked "Do you think I'm beautiful" and I answered something like "Yes... well... no. Depending on what you mean. I mean, if you were a stranger and I passed you in the street I wouldn't think you were beautiful at all, but because I know you and love you I think you're stunning". As well intentioned as it was, I think that knd of stuff was just cruel.

Anyway about a year into our relationship (strangely enough shortly after the sex started getting good) she came to me one night and said "I've been thinking about what you said about jealousy and love and sex and I wanted you to know that if you ever have the opportunity for a one night stand and you feel shackled by your commitment to me, just do it. But don't tell me because I kind of intellectually agree but I don't think I could handle it. And don't leave me".

I told her from my side that the allowance is reciprocated, except she openly conduct an affair if she liked, especially if it reached the point where our sex life was boring or not happening enough. Over time her feelings changed further and she said if I ever wanted to, I should tell her but I should be discrete about it and not in her face.

Anyhow, another few months went by and the sex did get boring, mainly because I spent a huge part of my free time programming computer games. She was a party animal and eventually fell into a pattern of going out with my brother a lot and waking me up at 5am (sometimes both of them, totally sozzled, would dance on my bed in their boots until I woke up). Despite our differences in lifestyle, we were curiously compatible. My quiet time was her party time and neither of us felt it was a negative thing.

One morning at about 4am she woke me up and said "Remember when you said I could...". She'd met a really cute guy and wanted to have wild sex with him but she hadn't actually told him what the status quo was. The next day he came round to have dinner and I dutifully pretended to be just her flatmate and went out with my brother. Over dinner she told him I was her boyfriend and she knows its a little wierd and its cool if he doesn't want to go any further but she just wanted to have great sex without commitment.

It did freak him out a bit but he gave it a whirl and it worked for a while although he was always awkward with me when he came to pick J up for a night on the town or stuff.

He had a friend who was a very handsome guy, an alpha male with a range of talents (such as being a great guitarist and being able to sing like Pavarotti) who admitted he had actually been looking for sex without committment for a long time and was fairly itching to give it a try. A curious thing happened one night when we were all out at a nightclub. He kissed my girlfriend and his friend, her other lover, got insanely jealous and a fist fight ensued. After that the first guy said "fuck you all and departed" and my gf started having a sexual affair with this guy.

He wasn't awkward about it at all. I got along with him like a house on fire and when he and J weren't spending time together we'd often spend a lot of time together and all three of us would often do shit together. What I didn't know at the time but later emerged was that he was 100% bi and he always had a fantasy about the three of us getting it on. The idea didn't stir me but in later years when I was single I did actually have a brief affair with him just to experiment with my own sexuality.

I once walked in on them naked in my bed. They were blissfully relaxing after sex and they thought I was gonna be out all night and they were, like, blushing and pulling the sheets up round them so I said, well we've all seen each other naked why should this be uncomfortable and stripped down. I didn't want to have sex I just wanted them to be comfortable being naked around me and it was a warm summer night so I stripped and went and made tea and we all lounged around butt naked and drank tea (and later whiskey) and eventually played monopoly till the wee hours of the morning.

We were quite overt about what we were doing and our friends were scandalised bar one couple who were ambivalent but admitted to discussing it themselves. We chatted freely about it in one-on-one conversations but the topic was always taboo in groups of couples with people steering around it at parties and dinners, especially when J's lover (who had subsequently become firm friends with some of my friends) was around.

One night the other couple we knew who were interested in swinging were peppering all three of us with questions and came out and said would you feel comfortable taking all you clothes off right now and I said yes and the others said yes and they said so do so we did. After a little more discussion they did too but they didn't feel comfortable about actual sex so the night wore on and we drank more and more and eventually were dancing around the garden to classical music. At some point their inhibition just disappeared and they started having sex in the garden and my gf's lover joined them but oliver sardine I felt curiously uncomfortable about it and went inside to watch TV.

After that we were all quite free and open about talking about it. The other couple started actively looking for other swingers and our mutual friends had to navigate this bewildering maze of Things to Avoid Speaking about for fear that it would lead back to frank discussion of both of our relationships. It was really wierd, they felt that any acknowledgement of our alternative lifestyles somehow threatened their own relationships.

Anyway that went on for four or five years. Eventually J and I broke up but still ocassionally had sex, as did J and A. The curious thing is that during the entire relationship I only exercised my polyamorous options once. I went out with my brother and someone picked him up and almost by default I landed up with her friend at their apartment. When I got back and spilled the beans the next day she found it impossible to suppress her jealousy and I said fine, whatever, I don't mind.

It didn't frustrate me or anything. I've never been a very sexual person and it seemed like a small sacrifice for someone I loved (still do). So I never did it again, and made it as clear as possible that, since it didn't bother me, my self imposed restriction needn't apply to her.

[dave_a]

Is there anyone here who's in one, or has been? :search:

Nil is, but he is... ummm... occupied for awhile so your answer will have to wait on that one.

How does the open relationship thing work? Were you born without jealousy, or did it happen somehow over the years?

How it works is between the 2 people in the relationship, I don't think there is any one size fits all recipe. I am not in an open relationship in the sense that we have other sex partners, but I am in an open relationship in the sense that we can have if we wish to. We simply don't presently wish to so we don't. Was I born without jealousy? No, quite the opposite. It took life experiences to rid me of the jealousy. What it boils down to for me is trust that the person you are with loves you and is comitted to you. Try and think about this: Have you ever been in a relationship where you loved your partner, but desired to screw someone else's brains out? Imagine that you did do it. Would you love your partner any less? Would you not want to return to them after?

How do you KNOW that your lover is with someone else without feeling sick and angry - even if it means you have license to do the same? How do you get to that mindset? It seems like the most practical, sensible way to have relationships, but HOW DO YOU GET THERE?

I have no idea how to get there. In my case I got cheated on years ago during a time when I was away from my lover for 6 months (military deployment). When I found out about it I was mad, hurt and all that. Thing is my partner loved me and wanted to be with me. She said she was lonely being away from all her friends and family and I was gone for so long. I still was pissed because of the lack of communication, but then I thought about how I felt while on deployment. There was some wild sex going on that I would like to have been a part of, but didn't because I was in a relationship. Had I participated I wouldn't have loved her any less and I still would have wanted to have been with her. Not an ideal situation by a long shot, but it was a life experience that forced me to re-examine the idea of sexuality in a relationship. It was proof positive for me that desiring sex and even acting on that desire doesn't necessarily mean a lack of love or comittment to making a relationship work.

So that experience taught me that as long as the relationship is strong and COMMUNICATION is good, "it's just sex" and not a threat(necessarily).

With my wife our understanding is that if I have sex with someone else I do not tell her about it (her preference). If she has sex with someone else she is to tell me about it(my preference). It's kind of a non issue as our desire to engage in extra marital activites disappeared once kids came into the picture, but that's how it is for us in a nutshell.

Jealousy, in my opinion, is an expression of distrust and a fear of losing love, security and things like that. If you trust your partner loves you and isn't going to love you less or run off with someone else then I don't think a more open than pure monogamy relationship is too difficult, but first there has to be that trust and very open communication.

Even so I would advise anyone contemplating opening their relationship to be very cautious about it. The overwhelming majority of couples I know who have had open relationships ended up divorced. The primary reason was infidelity. Basically one partner sleeping with someone their SO didn't like or their sleeping with someone in ways that violated the rules the couple had agreed to.

It's like playing with fire. It can be fun, but you can get burnt. Do it only if you are completely comfortable with it otherwise it is probably best left undone. If you have kids I wouldn't think twice about it, I would think 10 times about it.

My 2 cents.

[LadyShea]

My husband and I experimented with swinging a bit, but never "open". We set rules and the first rule was "We always play together"...that way it was an extension and enhancement of our sex life and relationship, rather than a "You're not enough" feeling from either side. I personally cannot imagine being comfortable with him having that intimate a relationship with someone if I was not also involved.

My problem, and one I assume those in open relationships must resolve, isn't jealousy that he is having sex with someone else. Hell I was a slut from hell before I met him and know sometimes it's just sex. No, I would worry that he would fall in love with the "no strings attachedness" ....meaning, when there's no bills to pay, no house repairs, no dogs in need of vet care, no morning breath, etc....that starts looking like a better alternative for life. I have seen it happen too many times to say "Oh my husband is too smart to think that it would stay that way"

My thinking may be old fashioned or repressive I guess, but I can't get over that thought.

[Socratoad]

Long ago during love making I asked my wife what was her favourite fantasy. She said it was being made love to by more than one man. So loving her with all my heart I agreed that I thought we should try this. It worked out great as her fantasy became my fantasy. Just to see my darling so turned on was the greatest turn on for me and would lead to me having multiple ejaculations every time we indulged in this activity. A couple of these men became our lifelong friends.

Swinging was another matter. We tried it a couple of times and neither got off on it because my wife was very uncomfortable with me having another woman and because my pleasure was so dependant on my wive's pleasure We dropped it without feeling we had lost anything.

We had a solemn pact never to have sex when not in each others company and so we never did. My wife was always the best friend I ever had. We would discuss the performance of different men and that alone would soon have us humping away like a pair of rabbits.

[Dingfod]

*gasp* Not another sinful thread. Don't make the wrath of God rain down upon you, it would hurt... after all, it weighs about 200 pounds or so.


Actually, this whole open relationship thing would be a whole lot easier if women's vaginas were on their shoulder and men's penises were their index finger. All a guy would have to do to get some casual sex would be going up to some woman he finds attractive, tap her on the shoulder and say "Don't I know you?"

/me runs away to avoid rotten tomatoes being lobbed his direction.

[Socratoad]

*gasp* Not another sinful thread. Don't make the wrath of God rain down upon you, it would hurt... after all, it weighs about 200 pounds or so.


Actually, this whole open relationship thing would be a whole lot easier if women's vaginas were on their shoulder and men's penises were their index finger. All a guy would have to do to get some casual sex would be going up to some woman he finds attractive, tap her on the shoulder and say "Don't I know you?"

* warrenly runs away to avoid rotten tomatoes being lobbed his direction.

You mean some of them are somewhere else? :innocent: :eek:

[Farren]

I agree with both Dantonac and Ladyshea that an excess of both caution and understanding is a good thing at the outset of anything like that. What you think you want might not be what you want, ditto for your partner.

The thing is conventional modern society only really teaches us one way and we still cock it up all the time. With polyamory there are rarely any good guidelines. Three or more people could all be engaging in it with entirely different motives, desires and levels of assurance. So communication and honesty is critical.

I was in a very lucky situation because there was this guy who really, really didn't want any kind of commitment or responsibility and was the kind of person we'd both choose as a friend even without the sex and my gf really, really loved me even though she admitted to preferring sex with him (he was Adonis-like and I'm a tall, pale, skinny and unhealthy geekboy). So it was like a gift I could give her without threat. It was a pleasure.

Even in that situation there were hiccups. Like the time I started strumming Depeche Mode's "Somebody" on my guitar quite badly and she said "Please stop" and even though she wouldn't tell me why I figured out from her coy responses it was "their" song (which I've no doubt he played and sung magnificently). That hurt more than I expected. Or the times when I did actually want sex after a period of disinterest and she was uninterested because she'd been getting so damn much. She tried, but I could tell what the situation was and I usually ended it rather than make her go through the motions. It could be frustrating at times. For the most part though it was harmonious.

Other friends I had, like the couple mentioned and later friends I met who were polyamorous, ran into problems because of differing perceptions of the situation and difficulties distinguishing love and sex. So I think caution is definitely in order.

[seebs]

Hmm. I was in something that was probably an "open relationship" in college. I was the second long-term boyfriend (at the same time), with other short-term boyfriends coming and going. I dated a couple of other people, but it mostly never went anywhere.

Honestly, I think it was the problems I had in that relationship that made me more inclined to jealousy... But also, I think, there really are differences in the kind of relationship I had then, and the kind I have now.

I was my wife's second husband, and there was about a year and a half of overlap. There was a bit of weirdness early on, but pretty quickly we settled down to an exclusive polygamous relationship... "Exclusive" meaning "like monogamous, only not just two people". So, no sex outside the relationship.

We've stayed with that policy ever since, even after her first husband left us.

I've never really been interested in or comfortable with the idea of side relationships. On the other hand, I have no moral objections to polygamy, and there is a specific person I think I'd probably like to be polygamous with.

To complicate (and simplify) things, my wife is a "gay man in a woman's body"; very confused to be female, and possessing exclusively "masculine" personality traits. So, for instance, she's much more concerned about physical fidelity than emotional fidelity. She has no problem with me liking, or even loving, other people, as long as she maintains dibs on any actual sexual activity.

I dunno. I would characterize my qualms about sex outside of committed relationships as moral ones, but I'm not sure it's reasonable for me to claim that people who feel otherwise are "immoral". It may be a matter of taste; anyway, having fooled around a bit when I was in college, I'm in no position to throw stones.

So... For me, anyway, no interest in "open" relationships or "swinging" or any of that, but I'm fine with polygamy. It's interesting how these things can be very different. I know a gay couple who have always allowed for extra-marital sex, but who would be VERY uncomfortable with strong emotional attachments to others; they have, so far as I can tell, exactly the opposite set of emotional needs or relationship goals that I do.

[Sonnet]

Anyway that went on for four or five years. Eventually J and I broke up but still ocassionally had sex, as did J and A. The curious thing is that during the entire relationship I only exercised my polyamorous options once. I went out with my brother and someone picked him up and almost by default I landed up with her friend at their apartment. When I got back and spilled the beans the next day she found it impossible to suppress her jealousy and I said fine, whatever, I don't mind.

It didn't frustrate me or anything. I've never been a very sexual person and it seemed like a small sacrifice for someone I loved (still do). So I never did it again, and made it as clear as possible that, since it didn't bother me, my self imposed restriction needn't apply to her.

See, that's where I'm afraid I'd be. Intellectually I think it's the most sensible way to have a long-term relationship, and in theory it's been something I've always wanted in a lover. I want someone who's going to be around for the long haul, but never EVER connecting with another person in that way seems impractical and kind of bleak - an unnecessary restriction, with so many other aspects of a relationship being contingent on that one.

I'm afraid I'd end up like this girl, though - taking full advantage of my own freedom but not being able to stop myself from begrudging my partner the same latitude. It's not fair and so I wouldn't want to be that way, but I don't know how to make the leap from theory to application. I'm really trying because I genuinely believe it's a thing I want, but I have some hurdles to surmount. :doh:

[bobeh]

Seems to me that a couple of things are true...and these things would favour some type of open relationship...

First, it is possible, to love two people (or more) at the same time. Sometimes it happens. Through life, perhaps, it happens to most people at sometime. It has happened to me, and although the outside relationship never involved anything physical it was a bigger emotional deal to me than I could have ever imagined. In the end I had to give it up.

Second, the idea of having sexual involvement with someone other than your one-and-only is a mighty turn on for many people. More along the idea of same-room swinging. Any combination like this seems like something I would enjoy. But I've never tried it...and it won't happen in my current (30 year) relationship.

Not intending this to sound like a pity party. I've had a good life and relationship, for the most part. Probably just didn't get this stuff out of my system when I was young.

My point is, I guess - I don't think monogamy is natural, nor necessarily "good". But keeping one's word, sticking to contracts, all of that is something good. It cannot always be forever...cause things change. But in my case...if I want to change the deal then I have to communicate that, and get out. In another life perhaps I would not pick the monagomous lifestyle.

[seebs]

Huh! The idea of sex outside a committed relationship squicks me badly. I would be very very uncomfortable with that now. Tried a couple of times when I was young and horny, hated it.

[dave_a]

See, that's where I'm afraid I'd be. Intellectually I think it's the most sensible way to have a long-term relationship, and in theory it's been something I've always wanted in a lover. I want someone who's going to be around for the long haul, but never EVER connecting with another person in that way seems impractical and kind of bleak - an unnecessary restriction, with so many other aspects of a relationship being contingent on that one.

Connecting with and fucking are different things.

I'm afraid I'd end up like this girl, though - taking full advantage of my own freedom but not being able to stop myself from begrudging my partner the same latitude. It's not fair and so I wouldn't want to be that way, but I don't know how to make the leap from theory to application. I'm really trying because I genuinely believe it's a thing I want, but I have some hurdles to surmount. :doh:

So you want a sexually nonexclusive relationship for yourself, but prefer your SO be monogamous. That is obtainable, but good luck with that.

You want a partner for the long term, but you also want side fucks. You seem like you would prefer that your partner not have these side fucks.

Here is the thing. We tend to see in others what we do not want to see in ourselves. Why is it that you think your having side fucks would be fine, but your partner having them would be a problem? What do you imagine your partner is going to do that would result in a dissolution of your relationship or undue stress?

I dunno, it seems to me that monogamy is the default expectation in any relationship and one is wise to abide by those terms unless both partners agree to other terms freely and with no coercion.

You seem to be speaking as one who is not yet in a relationship where such concerns are a reality, but as one who is looking into the future trying to decide what path to follow.

You seem to desire an open relationship that is one sided. Again, you can find that, but good luck with it as it isn't every guy you meet who can handle that.

I dunno, it's late for me and I have had a few beers so I am cautious in what I say for fear of putting my foot into my mouth yet again, but it seems you want something that you don't trust your hypothetical partner to have and that in and of itself is a major barrier to intimacy in a relationship.

[Sonnet]

Connecting with and fucking are different things.

Yes. That's why I used the term 'connecting with' instead of 'fucking'. :glare:

So you want a sexually nonexclusive relationship for yourself, but prefer your SO be monogamous. That is obtainable, but good luck with that.

...

You seem to desire an open relationship that is one sided. Again, you can find that, but good luck with it as it isn't every guy you meet who can handle that.

I dunno, it's late for me and I have had a few beers so I am cautious in what I say for fear of putting my foot into my mouth yet again, but it seems you want something that you don't trust your hypothetical partner to have and that in and of itself is a major barrier to intimacy in a relationship.

Maybe you're missing what I'm saying. I thought I was pretty clear here:

It's not fair and so I wouldn't want to be that way, but I don't know how to make the leap from theory to application. I'm really trying because I genuinely believe it's a thing I want, but I have some hurdles to surmount.

So. The point of this thread, at least as I intended it, is understanding that thinking it's a good idea and getting my visceral response in line with that are two different things, but acknowledging that if it's good for me, it's good for him, too. It seems from your response that something has been lost in translation. Maybe there's a way I could have said it better. :shrug:

[dave_a]

Maybe there's a way I could have said it better. :shrug:

Doubt it. It was probably me. Sorry

[Aurora Elegance]

If I may add to this, the idea of an open relationship appeals to me greatly. I have a lot of love to give (emotional, sexual, and spiritual) and I want to share that with my friends. I think something like this requires a great deal of honesty and responsibility but I also think it's entirely worth it in the end.

It's sad that Western society (Christianity, to be more specific) has imposed this model of a relationship on peoples' lives. If something like polyamory and swinging were discussed more openly and honestly, cheating rates might go down. One can only hope.

[seebs]

FWIW, there's a long thread on ChristianForums, in which it's become clear that there's not much for defensible arguments against polygamy from a Christian perspective.

The Catholics have one which relies on a bit of theology many people don't accept. Everyone else is pretty much stuck accepting that polygamy is A-OK.

The Christian ideal is not monogamy, but lifetime fidelity. These are not the same!

[EvilYeti]

Is there anyone here who's in one, or has been? :search:

How do you do it?

How does the open relationship thing work? Were you born without jealousy, or did it happen somehow over the years? How do you KNOW that your lover is with someone else without feeling sick and angry - even if it means you have license to do the same? How do you get to that mindset? It seems like the most practical, sensible way to have relationships, but HOW DO YOU GET THERE?

:crowded:

I've had multiple opportunities to be in them, but always declined. I think they are a terrible idea. At the very least, there is the increased risk of STD's and the chance one of the (potentially many) participants gets possessive. Both of these risks increase the more "open" the relationship is.

In my experience, an open relationship usually happens when a (young) woman falls for a man that is realistically out of her league. The man may harbor some feelings for the woman and surely enjoys having sex with her, but in no way wishes to make a committment. The young woman, lacking self-esteem, then says its ok to see other people. Problems arise as she secretly thinks that somehow she will eventually win the man over, if she waits long enough or tries hard enough. What she fails to understand is that odds are over time the man will likely simply tire of even their sexual relationship, after all, there are always more naive young things to prey on. The chronic emotional unfufillment leads to further erosion of self-esteem and self-confidence, anger issues and can cause permanent emotional damage.

In my personal experience, if I did not want to see a woman any longer I simply ended it, even if they offered to let me see other people. No matter how great the sex was. I feel its better to make a clean break and get the hurt over with rather then drag it out. Unfortunately, many people are so insenstive to the needs of others that they allow such relationships to persist. :(

[dave_a]

In my experience, an open relationship usually happens when a (young) woman falls for a man that is realistically out of her league. The man may harbor some feelings for the woman and surely enjoys having sex with her, but in no way wishes to make a committment. The young woman, lacking self-esteem, then says its ok to see other people. Problems arise as she secretly thinks that somehow she will eventually win the man over, if she waits long enough or tries hard enough. What she fails to understand is that odds are over time the man will likely simply tire of even their sexual relationship, after all, there are always more naive young things to prey on. The chronic emotional unfufillment leads to further erosion of self-esteem and self-confidence, anger issues and can cause permanent emotional damage.


I would say your experience covers half the equation. Sometimes couples "open" their relationship because there is something wrong with it, neither are fulfilled, but neither wants to admit it or end it so they fancy themselves hip, modern folk who swing.

They end up divorced. no question about it.

In my experience with couples who see others there is a motto of sorts. They say that if the relationship is already on the rocks, swinging or open relationships (variations on a theme) will destroy the relationship, but if the relationship is strong and steady, it will enhance it.

Most, if not all, relationships fizzle after awhile when the spark of newness is gone and the couple starts taking each other for granted. The couple may settle into the new nature of the relationship and be fine with the change.

What some chose to do, however, is see other people. This creates a mild form of jealousy that leads to greater appreciation and greater effort. Think of it this way. You meet someone new and you go on a date. You showered in the morning, but you shower again before you go out. You use mouthwash so your breath isn't stanky, you listen to what they say even if it is boring, you try to provide stimulating conversation.

Fast forward that relationship 5 years and you now feel like skipping showers on the weekend, you have no mouthwash and you tune your SO out when s/he starts talking about boring shit.

Introduce someone new who will listen to the boring shit, who does shower before the date and who does own a bottle of mouthwash and all of the sudden you are much more concerned with how well you are competing.

That is the benefit of an open relationship among secure couples. It keeps things new and more intense. I do not recommend it for anyone because it is dangerous as hell, but it *can* have it's plusses.

[seebs]

Weird. I would hate the notion of "competing". I don't want to compete for this relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not willing to work on it... But I don't like the notion of competition.

[dave_a]

Weird. I would hate the notion of "competing". I don't want to compete for this relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not willing to work on it... But I don't like the notion of competition.

In retrospect competition might not have been the best way to characterize it. Not sure what word to use in it's place, but the idea is it's something that prevents/reduces the likelihood of taking one's SO for granted.

[seebs]

In retrospect competition might not have been the best way to characterize it. Not sure what word to use in it's place, but the idea is it's something that prevents/reduces the likelihood of taking one's SO for granted.

I think I know what you mean... But honestly, one of the things we really like is that we can take each other for granted at least some of the time! :)

[bobeh]

Weird. I would hate the notion of "competing". I don't want to compete for this relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not willing to work on it... But I don't like the notion of competition.

In retrospect competition might not have been the best way to characterize it. Not sure what word to use in it's place, but the idea is it's something that prevents/reduces the likelihood of taking one's SO for granted.

I've heard that a man's sperm count goes up dramatically if he thinks there is some chance his wife has been with another man sexually - this is thought to be an evolutionary adaptation to help increase chances of passing on his genes.

So I suppose the idea of competition is right on the mark. I know that the idea turns on many men...not so sure if it typically turns on women though.

[heathendyke]

I have done it all and here is the answer: All approaches suck. Monogamy is horrible. Polyamory is unworkable. And celibacy is unthinkable.
Enjoy yourself!

Rene

[seebs]

Hmm. Maybe it should be like those drug cocktails; rotate through different approaches. So, maybe, get married, start seeing other people, break up.

Hmm. Maybe not. :)

[bobeh]

Hmm. Maybe it should be like those drug cocktails; rotate through different approaches. So, maybe, get married, start seeing other people, break up.

Hmm. Maybe not. :)

Seems to be the way a lot of people do it..

My wife has told me, maybe 2 or 3 times...that she wishes I could find someone that could/would make me happy, cause I'm a good guy and all that sort of stuff you know...

So, being the communicative type I am I've thought about it for a few months, and finally asked her what she meant by that. Was she suggesting it so she would feel free to go...was she suggesting it was time for me to go...or, out of the kindness of her heart is she just wishing that I could be happier.

Well, in an odd way I think it is the latter.

So, to bring it on topic...I think people do drift or get pushed apart...and traditionally they find someone else and then break up. Or break up and then find someone else. I think a more open sort of relationship model might not change this much...but it might make it a more natural process and less hurtful....perhaps?