The JJoke Thread

[Johnny Pneumatic]

I was laying in bed last night and I came up with this joke. Somebody, somewhere probably beat me to it though.

Q: What do you call a Muslim stand-up comedian?

A: Funny Shiite

[livius drusus]

You make up your own jokes?! I can't even remember the ones I hear. That was one was pretty damn funny too. :appl:

[Dingfod]

You may have missed one I posted the other day:

What do you call a schizophrenic who converts to Buddhism?

Two with the universe.

[Johnny Pneumatic]

Here's another one I made up.
You might be a redneck if you use WD-40 instead of KY Jelly.

[ApostateAbe]

That's some funny shiite.

[Dingfod]

You may have missed one I posted the other day:

What do you call a schizophrenic who converts to Buddhism?

Two with the universe.Just so there's no confusion, it's not my joke, it was Stephen Wright, on Letterman.

[JoeP]

Not mine, but I told it to an audience *gasp* recently:

Three women were having lunch, and the conversation turned to foreplay.

"You know Bill is a bouncer for nightclubs - sometimes he roughs me up a bit beforehand, acts tough - and I kind of like that."

"Well, Malcolm's a presentation skills trainer. He always tells me what he's going to do, then does it, then tells me what he's done. It's predictable ... but I suppose it's OK." (Joke-in-joke for presentation people.)

"You girls don't know how lucky you are. My husband's an IT salesman. All I get is three hours of him sitting on the end of the bed telling me how good it's going to be when he finally delivers."

[Johnny Pneumatic]

Here's a new one I thought up.
Q: What do you call a stand-up comedian that is also an exotic dancer?

A: Comic strip.

[Skep]

Many years ago, very shortly after we got our first Dunkin' Donuts shop here, me and a buddy of mine stopped in after a night of beer drinking. My buddy orders a bowl of soup and I ordered a couple donuts and a couple cartons of milk. When the girl behind the counter informed me that they were out of milk, I turned to my buddy and said, "Running out of milk at a donut shop? That's like running out of shit at a fly's wedding reception." Everyone in the shop split a gut laughing. :D

[Dingfod]

Two guys in a restaurant began arguing over whether to call their breakfast item pancakes or hotcakes and which was right and proper. The argument got rather heated and began drawing a crowd. A new customer came in, saw the crowd, asked some bystander what's going on. The bystander said "It's a flap, Jack."

[godfry n. glad]

An old one:

An older fellow goes to see his doctor about lower GI problems. After a thorough check-up, his doctor takes out his prescription pad and begins writing. As he does he tells his patient, "I'm going to give you a prescription for some suppositories. I want you to get these on you way home and then every evening, before you go to bed, I want to to put one in your rectum. Is that clear?"

"Yes, doc," the gent responded.

"Then I want you to come back and see me in two weeks, okay?" the doctor asked.

"Sure, doc," the patient muttered.

Two weeks later, the gent comes back to his doctor. When the doctor enters the examination room, he notices that his patient looks even worse than two weeks earlier...he's concerned. When he asks how the man is doing, the answer matches his supposition about his condition. He still feels terrible.

"So, did you get the prescription and follow the directions I gave you?"

The old man came back with, "Yep, I sure did. Picked up the prescription that day and, y'know, when I went to take it that night, I looked in all the cupboards all over the house, but I couldn't find any Rectum anywhere, so I put it in my Postum....and for all the good it done me, I might as well have shoved it up my ass."