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When I become World Emperor, Part 2

Posted 09-08-2007 at 05:22 AM by Kyuss Apollo

Another problem I plan to solve will be to end the confusion regarding a number commonly encountered situations and devices which hitherto have been allowed proliferate unregulated without rhyme or reason.

1. All microwave ovens will operate with the same control panel and all the buttons will do the same thing on every one, based on the controls of the microwave oven presently in my kitchen. Any and all microwave oven already in existence will be retrofitted to these specifications.

2. All VCR's, DVD's and remote controls will similarly be retrofitted and manufactured henceforth in a uniform manner, according to the specs I provide. All televisions and related recording devices will also be required to have a set of buttons on the outside that will operate the device in instances when the remote is MIA or the batteries are bing recharged.

3. All supermarkets will be arrayed in the same uniform manner according to my specifications, and stuff like milk and bread will be relocated from the the furthest corner of the store to the entryway next to the gumball machines.

4. The price of the gumballs in the machines located in supermarkets will return to 1.

5. All common paper staplers will use the flat style staples. The bent style staples and the staplers that use them will collected and melted down to create a giant monument the content of which will be revealed at a later time. Anyone found keeping or using the banned staplers will be sent to live in the domes on the Moon.

6. The Starburst Fruit Chew Company will immediately cease producing yellow, pink, and orange candies which all suck and will from now on only include the red candies. Also, the wrappers will be redesigned so they can be easily removed with a single hand by someone who's driving.

7. All other products being sold will be required to be packaged at the same weight and volume as well priced as they were in 1972. Any company that after wants to redesign its product so it is smaller will have to apply a large red and white sticker on each side of the packaging that states "Now In Crappy Smaller Ripoff Size."

8. 24 hour gourmet coffee shops will be required to be built at 5 mile intervals along all legal roads. A set of uniform cup volumes--16 oz, 20 oz and 50 oz for small, medium and large respectively, and no extra charge for iced coffee.

More of my World Emperor plans to come...
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  1. Old Comment
    curses's Avatar
    1. All microwave ovens will operate with the same control panel and all the buttons will do the same thing on every one, based on the controls of the microwave oven presently in my kitchen. Any and all microwave oven already in existence will be retrofitted to these specifications.

    Oh dear god yes.
    Posted 09-08-2007 at 08:15 PM by curses curses is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Dingfod's Avatar
    No kidding. I love our home microwave oven. It just assumes that when I punch numbers on the front that I'm wanting that much time on High. I don't have to push some button that says "Time" before the number buttons, it's so simple it's smart. Also, the Add Min button is pretty cool. I usually start it with it, it gives me one minute for each time it is pressed and starts cooking when the button is first pressed, it assumes that you wish to actually cook whatever you have placed in the compartment. Again, so brilliant it hurts.
    Posted 09-09-2007 at 06:34 AM by Dingfod Dingfod is offline
  3. Old Comment
    livius drusus's Avatar
    You better have Sony remote controls, because otherwise you're going to have to pry them out of my cold, dead hand, oppressor.
    Posted 09-09-2007 at 05:41 PM by livius drusus livius drusus is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Crumb's Avatar
    Quote:
    All televisions and related recording devices will also be required to have a set of buttons on the outside that will operate the device
    Yes! Yes! Yes!
    Posted 06-30-2008 at 07:00 PM by Crumb Crumb is offline
 
 

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