Seymour Lessans, shown here reading a book upside down, will run for president as the candidate of the We Read Books Upside Down Party.
FOCUS ON POLITICS
Seymour Lessans Throws Tinfoil Hat Into '16 Ring
Because, Why the Fuck Not?*
FREETHOUGHT-FORUM.COM (Internet News Service) -- The man who once
sued a president, now wants to
be the president.
Seymour Lessans, astute observer of reality, pool-hall bon vivant and aluminum-sidings salesman, is running for president, his daughter and chief of staff, peacegirl, announced on Saturday, in a short-wave radio broadcast from an undisclosed underground bunker in Ding Dong Land. In the late 70s, Lessans sued President Carter for refusing to grant him an Oval Office meeting so that he could demonstrate an undeniably true crackpot theory of his.
"It doesn't matter that he's dead," peacegirl asserted through hisses of short-wave static, sounding pre-emptively churlish. "Even though he's dead he's still alive, though he's a different person because of the germinal substance. This is part of his third discovery and if you deny it, you are a just mean and bitter individual because your precious world view is under assault. I understand that, but you're ruining it for everyone."
Peacegirl added that the Jews who were slaughtered by Hitler should get over it already, because they are still alive as different people, though many of them are no longer even Jewish. How this appeal will play to Jewish voters is unknown.
Lessans, peacegirl said, would run on a platform based on his book, The Decline and Fall of All Evil, a utopian Sacred Text. Among the planks of his platform: man's will is not free, so world peace; the eye is not a sense organ; dogs can't recognize their masters from sight alone; if God turned on the sun at noon, people on earth would see it immediately but not their neighbors for eight and a half minutes; and so there.
Lessans, sources say, plans to run as an independent, bearing the banner of the We Read Books Upside Down Party. This is an allusion to the fact that Lessans, a voracious reader, read hundreds of thousands of books in his lifetime, all of them upside down.
Political analysts said the time was ripe for a Lessans candidacy, as the American public seems to be getting dumber by the day.
"The Republican Party is now catering to anti-vaxxers, as well as misogynists, Obama birfers and, of course, anti-evolutionists." E. Mota Kahn, a message-board analyst for the RAND Corporation, pointed out. "The 'We Read Books Upside Down Party' could outflank the G.O.P. on the loony-tunes right and peel off tens of millions of votes."
Conducting a campaign via short-wave radio from an underground bunker in Ding Dong Land was a promising strategy, noted Stephen Maturin, a raving lunatic and a great big horse's ass who posts regularly at the Freethought-Forum message board where peacegirl used to hang out, reprimanding her interlocutors for being Big Meanies.
"You hear some very cool stuff from around the world on shortwave radio," Maturin said. "You also hear a lot of lunacy. My, oh my, what a motley collection of doomsday preppers, mentally ill fundamentalist preachers and preacher wannabes, conspiracy whackadoos and other apocalyptic fruit loops! If the Sacred Text can't find an audience on shortwave radio, then the audience straight up doesn't exist."
*Sorry, was bored at work today and taking a stroll down memory lane in Teh Big Thrad! 
Ah, the lulz! We'll never see their likes again!