[lisarea]

I actually really like people. I do get really misanthropic sometimes, but usually it's because someone is doing something that's cruel or greedy and harmful to other people. So it's sort of the opposite of misanthropy that usually makes me hate people.

My main thing, though, that makes me sort of asocial is that I hate small talk so so much. I realize it's a very useful thing, and it's important. I just hate it. It's seriously torturous for me sometimes to have to do it. It's all just these dull, polite recountings of boring and otherwise unremarkable things you've done or witnessed, like the weather or sports* or TV shows or what you did today or whatever. They are pretty great, really, as a simple social lubricant, and serve to establish that we are fellow humans in no immediate distress ("Hello, how are you? I am fine. And you? Fine." or whatever, if someone wants to introduce pertinent information, like it's their first day or they just got over the stomach flu or something), and to establish shared experiences or observations (weather, sports, there are a lot of yellow cars in the parking lot today), and to establish mutual good will (Have a nice day! Congratulations on the new job!) And sometimes you're feeling around for an actual topic of discussion, which is also cool. But if they go on for more than a couple minutes or so, or if they're repetitive, like having to interact with the same person that way every weekday or something, it can be excruciating.

I know this is awful, but I actually found myself getting into the habit of hiding anything that might spur a boring conversation when someone is coming over. Like, any evidence of projects I'm working on or chores or recent purchases or anything. I will even sometimes ERASE MY GROCERY LIST if I think it's something someone might comment on. And if there are people staying with me and I hear them coming, I would sometimes actually stop whatever I was doing, go sit in front of the TV and turn it on so it looks like I was just sitting there watching an infomercial or whatever.

Which seriously, I know. That's horrible and I am a prickly, difficult person, going around making it intentionally difficult to socialize with me. I just sometimes can't even handle having to narrate and recount a bunch of boring things that were boring even when I was experiencing them.

However, I am also often prone to having super-intense weird conversations with total strangers. Mostly mentally ill people or nerds, sometimes children. Basically people who aren't big on or good at social conventions, I guess, but you just sort of end up stumbling on some shared interest or something and end up getting completely wrapped up in it. I think my record was when I spent about three days with a complete stranger on some Outward Bound type camping trip. That sort of thing is genuinely energizing for me.

But the whole small talk thing and socializing to socialize are exhausting. When I've had to do too much of that sort of thing, I get frazzled and out of sorts and need to be left completely alone to regroup for a pretty long time. Like, I dunno, maybe like if you'd just spent a day doing your taxes or fighting a bureaucracy or something. That kind of tired.

* I did see some interesting sports once, though. There were these men, and a bunch of them were wearing the same outfit, and so then, they all started fighting and running and stuff! And everybody was yelling, and the fight lasted a really long time, but they finally stopped and everybody talked about their feelings for a while.