[ChuckF]

I was pretty pumped to find a little massage place right across the parking lot from work, in the same office park. That means I could schedule a massage over lunch or right after work and just walk over there. I made my first appointment, and told the massage therapist the usual thing: I just want a relaxation massage, I spend my day sitting hunched over my desk doing a stressful job, and I keep my anger in the middle of my back.

After a few minutes of working on my back she asked if I had ever done any "energy work," to which I replied no, that I didn't know what that means. She asked if I wanted to try reiki (for free!) and I was like "uh, sure." I had heard that word before but I thought it was just another style of massage, like shiatsu. So it was confusing when she said "You may not feel anything." But she was right because she didn't fucking do anything. I didn't comment when she told me to breathe into my back, but after like two minutes of her kind of lightly resting her palm on my back, I was like "Yeah, let's get back to the massage like we talked about."

I read the Wikipedia article and I get that this is woo, but really, is that it? Like, you buy a massage and somebody just rests their hand on you for a few minutes? Is that all there is? That is like homeopathy-scale scammy. When I go for a massage, I'll go along with whatever dumb shit works for you, as long as you stay reasonably quiet and rub my fucking back like I am paying for. If you want us to meditate together, I'm down, I'll zone out; the quiet is a big part of it too. If you want me to focus my energy and be aware of the toxins being released and flushed out, I will open my third eye and watch those toxins float away like so much phlogiston into the aether as long as you keep rubbing my back.

What is not cool is when it stops being a massage and becomes me just laying there nekkid at $1.50 a minute.

In conclusion, reiki, fuck that noise.