I've always known I'd have to make this post some day, but now that day has come, and I find myself at a loss for words. So let me just quote her final post on FF--encase it in amber, if you will--for posterity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisarea
lol star tracks
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I guess I should go over the facts, because I know you all probably want to know what happened. Lisa went to bed with a headache earlier today. Then, she woke up feeling better. I think she was probably drunk or hung over or something or she was just faking it for attention like she was wont to do, but she was fine.
Then she went to take out the trash. That's my job, but she's always doing little things like that for me. Was. She
was always doing little things like that for me. I don't know when I'll get used to talking about her in the past tense, but I'm not quite there yet, apparently. Bear with me.
When she didn't come back, I decided to go out and see if she was OK. But first, I decided to play some video games and take some of her things and hide them in weird places first, like when I threw her shampoo in the garbage that one time because I was jealous and bald. Then, I was hungry and had a cheese sandwich and watched some shows about Hitler for a while. I fucking love Hitler.
Anyway, after that, I went outside to see if I could find Lisa. At first, there was no sign of her, but then I noticed that our next door neighbor had a rolloff in the driveway.
Rolloffs are like small dumpsters that you can rent. Dumpsters are what the British call 'skips.' Rolloffs attach to the backs of like these trucks and then haul them away after you're done. People use them a lot to haul away drywall and things like that when they're doing major home improvement projects.
I don't want to go into the gory details, but the investigators determined that Lisa probably got tired while taking the trash out, saw the rolloff, and decided to lie down for a little while. There were also some small cardboard scraps at the bottom. We think she might have thought they were graham crackers, or maybe fried chicken skins or something, and she may have attempted to retrieve them. I guess we'll really never know for sure.
Reconstructing the scene, it appears that she was just waking up and getting ready to come back out when the neighbor abruptly approached and closed the lid, severing her head and killing her instantly. Her head rolled in front of a speeding car coming around the corner. The driver wasn't paying attention because she was talking on her cell phone and trying to extract a pantyhose wedgie at the same time, so she made the illogical and emotional decision to avoid the head, and ran straight into the condos across the street, killing a child who was watching Divorce Court in his living room. I think his name was James or Julio or something like that. He was some brown haired kid, like probably 40 pounds or so. It's hard to tell with little kids like that, so I could be way off.
Anyway, as I'm sure you can imagine, I've been going over what I could have done to avoid this, or even just to make what life Lisa had better.
I should have grown that pencil thin moustache she always wanted me to have. She couldn't grow a good one herself, so she really depended on me for that, and I let her down. She really never asked me for much. It's the least I could have done.
A pencil thin moustache and a drinking fountain. She really wanted a drinking fountain in the house. She told me about it, but I guess I was too self-absorbed to really listen, so I didn't get her one. Maybe if I had, she would have stopped for a drink of water on her way out and forgotten about taking out the trash, and she'd be alive today. Again, I suppose I'll never know now.
Now, there's not much I really can do for her. I'm going to have to spend the last of my money having her corpse stitched back together, tanned, and mummified, so I really don't have the funds to set up the kind of memorial she deserved.
But for those of you who find it in your hearts to care about Lisa, she always hated people with allergies. Thought they were weak and stupid. And I think a fitting memorial to her legacy would be to buy some trees and plant them, in the hopes that maybe they'd send their pollen out into the world to make allergy sufferers' eyes swell and to irritate their nasal passages. If you could do that for me, every time some defective allergy person sneezes, I would be able to hear Lisa's voice saying "HA HA! Stupid ginger!" from beyond the grave. Or more accurately, from beyond the Plexiglas box I'm having built into the wall to store her mummy. (Just to go back and explain, Lisa always got redheads and people with allergies confused, but I'm not sure whether she just thought that all allergy sufferers had red hair and all redheads had allergies, or if she really couldn't distinguish the difference between sneezing and having red hair. I suppose that's just one more thing we'll never really be sure about.)
In summary, ladies, I'm single now, so get me while I'm hot!