Satan's FAQ
Satan's FAQ
Satan
Published by Satan
01-07-2007
Default Introduction

Not long ago, I decided to build a list of answers to frequently asked questions. I was tired of answering the same damned queries every time someone meets me for the first time.

Internet message boards were extremely useful in generating the material, so it is fitting to publish the following here. The first question is my own, while the rest are actual questions posed by your fellow humans.

Aren’t you just an Internet crackpot?

Not just. I’m the original crackpot. My nickname “Accuser” first came up after a few too many critical missives sent to management. That’s an interesting tangent, actually: the reason so many sacred texts go on and on about “The Word,” what is written, etc., is that celestial beings employ something very similar to the written word. I did so more than most, in fact – culminating in some bruised egos and hard feelings that never quite healed.

Contents

Article Tools

<< <    Next Page: The Bible and Christian Traditions (Page 1 of 9)    >  >>
Thanks, from:
Beth (06-23-2013)
  #1  
By livius drusus on 01-08-2007, 07:15 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

This clears up so many things for me. Thanks, Dark Lord. :thankee:
Reply With Quote
  #2  
By Beth on 01-10-2007, 06:08 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Holy crap! This was one of the funniest things that I have read in ages.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
By Clutch Munny on 01-06-2008, 02:28 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
The Biblical accounts are accurate, if severely edited. They left out all of the fun I had with it, such as appearing in the form of a baker, replete with the odor of freshly baked bread.
I'd never read this before. Not only is it hilarious; it actually makes a lot more sense than most theodicies I've seen before.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
By Kyuss Apollo on 01-18-2008, 06:16 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Devilman! Can you get me some Slayer tickets?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
By Histrionica on 02-23-2008, 12:56 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

I'm a recent apostate, so still fairly passionate, and i assure you i'm foible-licious. As for the beach, i'm certain you could supply a lovely warm, brown/white/black one.

*winks and looks damaged*
Reply With Quote
  #6  
By Garnet on 06-25-2008, 04:06 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

After reading all this, I may well become a Jerryist.

Srsly.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
By Smilin on 06-25-2008, 11:20 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Satan, what happened to that lucious avatar you used to Have with the two lesbians...or was that Jesus.?????..

I'm confuzzled now...please help...!!!!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 06-26-2008, 12:24 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

That was Jesus. Quit pretending you're not a homo.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
By curses on 07-10-2008, 07:28 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?

Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.
:lmao: I missed this one first time round.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
By Arrogant-One on 07-25-2008, 06:33 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

I saw a 4 year old on the bus the other day. He was dressed in a Batman costume and sat holding his mother's hand for the whole trip. Half way through the ride, he put on his sunglasses, on top of his Batman mask. It was quite funny I thought, Batman wearing sunglasses.

My point is that just because he wore Batman's costume, that did not really make him Batman.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 07-25-2008, 10:33 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

:rolleye2:

:hugtroll:
Reply With Quote
  #12  
By Satan on 07-28-2008, 05:31 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Some folks get awfully bitter when their purportedly "Satanic" rituals don't work. I'm sorry you didn't get your pony, or whatever, but look on the bright side. You had a better-than-average excuse to masturbate.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
By JamesBannon on 08-18-2008, 11:55 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Hey Satan, did you know you were famous over at Garnet's board? loved the explanations!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
By Lion IRC on 08-22-2010, 08:13 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Hi satan,
Do you think that MORE people talking about God and discussing polemic anti-theism books by Mr Hitchens and Mr Dawkins et al helps the cause of theism?
Why not let lazy, apathetic, self-assured psuedo religious types lull themselves into a false sense of security?
Screwtape surely wants to kick Christopher Hitchens in the backside for disturbing the hornets nest just when it was settling down.
Lion (IRC)
Reply With Quote
  #15  
By Satan on 08-24-2010, 10:02 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
By Dingfod on 08-24-2010, 11:34 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.
I know the feeling. Is that normal, or what?
Reply With Quote
  #17  
By Lion IRC on 08-25-2010, 05:00 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.

Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?

I would say that "discussing" means contest of ideas and encompasses all aspects of theism including creation, cosmology, the soul,
free will, the afterlife, nature of God(s).

Lion (IRC)
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
By Doctor X on 08-25-2010, 12:19 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Unfortunately, so was the hack.

--J.D.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
By Satan on 08-25-2010, 05:36 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?
I see that I misunderstood the import of your question. I was responding to what appeared to be a faulty premise in your post, namely that theism itself is my enemy. In an attempt to answer your question better, I will point out that the converse is also not necessarily true -- theism is not a particularly reliable ally for God. Obtuse as He often pretends to be, I think He recognizes this. Further, I see little evidence that He is much of a fan of critical thought. Therefore, I believe the net advantage to an increase in theistic discourse to be mine rather than His. So my answer to your rephrased question is no; I will probably enjoy the hornets' buzzing more than He.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
Doing his best to pretend to advance a cause he didn't understand in the first place? I suppose.
Reply With Quote
Comment

  Freethought Forum > The Library > Articles & Essays > Humor


Currently Active Users Viewing This Article: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Article Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

 

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 08:01 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

Article powered by GARS 2.1.8m ©2005-2006
Page generated in 0.21408 seconds with 17 queries