Religious mass-email comebacks

[chunksmediocrites]

A minister passing through his church
in the middle of the day,
Decided to pause by the altar
and see who had come to pray.

Just then the back door opened,
a man came down the aisle, The minister frowned as he sat in judgment for
the man hadn't shaved in a while.

His shirt was kinda shabby
and his coat was worn and frayed,
his t-shirt was emblazoned with “Dokken”
and his neck tat read “rough trade”.
The minister liked the kind that tithed
and looked wealthy and well payed
the man knelt, he bowed his head,
Then rose and walked away.

In the days that followed,
each noon time came this chap,
each time he knelt just for a moment,
A lunch pail in his lap.
Though how he put it there while kneeling-
maybe instead he balanced it on his cap?
Look, just go with the imagery-
Piety and humble pie and crap.

Well, the minister's suspicions grew,
with robbery a main fear,
because the minister had a sea of wealth
while the homes around were sere.
He decided to stop the man and ask him,
'What are you doing here?'

The old man said, he worked down the road.
Lunch was half an hour.
Lunchtime was his prayer time,
For finding strength and power.

'I stay only moments, see,
because the factory is so far away;
as I kneel here talking to the Lord,
This is kinda what I say:

'I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, INVISIBLE OMNIPOTENT SKY-WIZARD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, INVISIBLE OMNIPOTENT SKY-WIZARD, JR., THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY.'

The minister, surprised, said “Well you are right in
coming here because Invisible Omnipotent Sky-Wizard is in demand
this church is it, all else are sinners
but Invisible Omnipotent Sky-Wizard’s love needs donations- to make this all at hand”,
and he rubbed his fingers and thumb together
suggesting cash, or a check he could remand.

Time to go, Jim smiled, said 'Thanks.'
He hurried to the door.
The minister knelt at the altar,
he'd never done it before.

He played the game of make-believe,
that an Invisible Omnipotent Sky-Wizard
showered him with love,
unless he didn’t believe in The Wizard
in which case he would burn in a lake of fire forever,
while good believers partied above.

'I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, INVISIBLE OMNIPOTENT SKY-WIZARD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, INVISIBLE OMNIPOTENT SKY-WIZARD, JR., THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY.'

Past noon one day, the minister noticed
that old Jim hadn't come.
As more days passed without Jim,
he began to worry some.
But not too much because they didn’t need
parishoners sans moola, outfitted like a bum.

At the factory, he asked about him,
learning he was ill.

The hospital staff was worried,
But he'd given them a thrill.

The week that Jim was with them-
Before being discharged for being poor-
His smiles, a joy contagious
Like a well-used whore,
Well that's an unfortunate turn of phrase,
Dementia case 10034 was here no more.

The head nurse couldn't understand
why Jim was so glad,
when no flowers, calls or cards came,
Not a visitor he had.

But then she had noted that every word
from Jim’s mouth involved The Wizard and His work,
And the puzzle pieces fit in place-
Jim was a proselytizing jerk.

The minister stayed by his pulpit,
His voice sounded concerned
He repeated that homosexuals and unbelievers
Were to be despised and spurned.
He thought back to the good old days
When they could be tortured, tried, and burned.

Dying at home alone, old Jim spoke
up and with a winsome smile;
“I was told just what to think,
so that I could be led all the while
everyday at noon He's here,
a dear friend of mine, you see,
He sits right down, takes my hand,
Leans over and says to me:

“I AM THE INVISIBLE OMNIPOTENT SKY-WIZARD, JIM. I
ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY,
JUST MAKE SURE TO OBEY ME IN ALL MY CONTRADICTORY
MAKE-BELIEVE- OR ROAST I HELL, I SAY!
MY CHOSEN GET THE GREATEST TESTS-
REMEMBER FAITHFUL JOB?
THOSE WHO LOVE ME BEST AND WELL,
NEED NO FRONTAL LOBE.”


If this blesses you, pass it on. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but that’s probably because you live in a bus station. Only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. Or true enemies. Oh and also people who like stomping on hearts. Have you met my ex? Don’t get me started.

May Invisible Omipotent Sky-Wizard hold you in the palm of His hand
and Angels watch over you. You better hope he doesn’t crush you into paste and wipe you on a beverage napkin. Maybe if you ask nice He’ll set you down somewhere where He’s not likely to step on you. Try to avoid getting put in His pocket- He sometimes forgets and then you spend a long time in the dirty-clothes hamper and wind up getting run through His laundry.

Please pass this page on to your friends & loved ones. If you aren't ashamed like a little ashamed thing. Invisible Omnipotent Sky-Wizard, Jr. said,

' If you are ashamed of me,' I will be ashamed
of you before my Father. And you know what that means- lake of fire for you. So can I put you on the ‘Will proselytize friends and family until they roll their eyes everytime you contact them with more ‘Praise Invisible Omnipotent Sky-Wizard' spam?”
- Or he might have said something else, I mean maybe the guy who wrote it down heard it from the camel salesman who was paraphrasing, plus it was translated from Aramaic, Hebrew, and Greek to Latin, then Ye Olde English, then to standard English- I guess we’re lucky they don’t read like the English instructions on my toaster made in Korea!

If you are not ashamed, you big wussy, you will pass this on.

But only if you mean it. Really, really mean it. Show me you mean it!

Don’t break the chain! Irving Mystelstefford broke the chain and guess where he is! That’s right, it’s Lake OhMyInvisibleOmnipotentSkyWizardWhyDidIBreakTheCha inAndNotForwardYourSpamI’mBurningAhhhhhhhhh!!!!! for Irving Mystelstefford. Don’t be an Irving Mystelstefford!!!!

So this is me ... Just Checking In




Check out time is 11:00.

[Qingdai]

Your ex?
Do tell!

[Doctor X]

Originally Posted by Qingdai

I know if I came back and the thing I'd been tortured to death on was a symbol everywhere, I'd consider burning it down and starting over.

Should not have been such a prick the first time around.

--J.D.

[BracesForImpact]

That was fucking divine!

[LadyShea]

Originally Posted by Kevlar

My wife says I should just go black with my family as they are all 2,500 miles from here... but I don't know if I could maintain such an aggressive campaign. Becuase, at the end of the day, they are still my family and I have a built in compulsion to try and please them. You know, mommy issues...

Try it, though. You may be surprised how long you can hold out. Seriously, my hubby brushed shit off and put up with it for a long time, stating "They're my family". Didn't matter how appalled or pissed off I was, it was his family and he was going to maintain relations or whatever.

Then, his mom did something so egregious while we were visiting them, he went silent on her (really awkward for the hour long drive back to her home, then while he packed our shit and we left). We finished our vacation staying with friends, then flew home without speaking to her. He simply refused to talk to her.

When his sisters or dad called with their old methods of cajoling or guilting about his not speaking to his mom, he told them he would cut them all off too, and pretty much did. This went on about a year I guess.

Whole new ballgame after that. More because hubby knew he could live quite happily without contact, and knew he could do it again if they pulled any shit. They knew he wouldn't put up with anything anymore, and knew their old controlling habits were now useless.

They're still small-minded bigots, but they mind their manners around us almost always. I am pretty sure they remembered the whole thing acutely when we got Kiddo. I don't think they doubt we will cease contact if they step over the line with him.

If you want to be aggressive, rather than passive -aggressive as they are (ignoring your wishes is classic PA) filter all of their email addresses to delete after sending an auto response "I have asked you not to send me religious email. I consider it spam. You continued against my wishes so I will no longer accept email from you until you apologize, and vow never to do so again"

Or, for a softer touch, create Godspam filters that deletes the item after sending an autoresponse when various keywords (jesus, god, prayer) are found in the email saying "I have asked to be removed from these types of forwards, the email you sent has been auto-deleted"

[Kevlar]

chunks, that is too fucking awesome... I have a feeling that will be used in the future...

LadyShea, thanks for the kind words. Maybe you and my wife are right, it's time I grew a pair.

[LadyShea]

It's not about the size of your balls, it's about putting your own feelings and well being above theirs. It's about protecting yourself, looking out for number 1, whatever you want to use.

Some people are vampires, even if they don't know it. I have had to take the painful step of removing my neck from their fangs on a few occasions, because they wouldn't remove their fangs from my neck no matter how many times I asked.

[Plant Woman]

It's about boundaries and you are in your right to set them. Problem is, that once you set them, you have to be firm about them. If your family is used to overstepping them, it is going to be difficult at first.

I did what Lady Shea suggested about 6 years ago, asked my mother politely not to send me those e-mails anymore. She continued on so I asked her again not to continue sending me them. The third time, I warned her that I was going to block her e-mail if she didn't stop sending me them, the fourth time, I blocked her email after letting her know that's what I did. She sent out emails to all the family, telling them what a horrible person I was, I was tearing the family apart, they should pray for me, I was a nutcase, yadayadayada. One of my sisters forwarded her email to me. It was 8 pages long about all the horrible things I've done since my childhood. We haven't had a relationship since then. I hope your family isn't as nutty as mine and take it this far.

[livius drusus]

Damn. I'm going to call my parents today and thank them again for being nice, normal people who love and respect me.

[LadyShea]

PW, how do you feel today about that? Were you like my hubby, who feared he would have all kinds of trouble maintaining black out, only to find it quite easy, or has it been very difficult?

Not trying to psychoanalyze, but like livius my folks love and respect me and are fairly normal, so I am just curious about a vastly different experience. I totally grilled my husband about it too.

[Watser?]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

Damn. I'm going to call my parents today and thank them again for being nice, normal people who love and respect me.

Or I would if they were still alive

ETA: My parents made me go to (Catholic) church too, until I refused to go any longer at about 17 or so. They weren't happy about that, but accepted it. They never harassed me about it or guilted me or told me I would go to Hell.

[Kevlar]

Originally Posted by Plant Woman

It's about boundaries and you are in your right to set them. Problem is, that once you set them, you have to be firm about them. If your family is used to overstepping them, it is going to be difficult at first.

I did what Lady Shea suggested about 6 years ago, asked my mother politely not to send me those e-mails anymore. She continued on so I asked her again not to continue sending me them. The third time, I warned her that I was going to block her e-mail if she didn't stop sending me them, the fourth time, I blocked her email after letting her know that's what I did. She sent out emails to all the family, telling them what a horrible person I was, I was tearing the family apart, they should pray for me, I was a nutcase, yadayadayada. One of my sisters forwarded her email to me. It was 8 pages long about all the horrible things I've done since my childhood. We haven't had a relationship since then. I hope your family isn't as nutty as mine and take it this far.

Dang, PeeDub... sounds all too familiar... here is the last e-mail from my brother:

I guess we have reached the end of your intellectual thought pattern. Too bad I was hoping to see real deep thought. As far as my medical condition, The IQ test was done by a doctor who looked at that. He said most will see me as one thing, but few will see the desparate atempt to get help. Strange world ain't it. Only thing I can deny is what you stand on. We had good times and you are blocking those times.

Yeap, it will do ya good to cut off all family and see what happens. Your almost there, to a point of rock bottom. Been there and know how it feels. There is hope. The hope of a better tomorrow. Since you have all these memories of me as a kid, I guess there is no way that I can change! If that was the case, I would have stayed home attached to Mom.

You took the easy way out of everything, so we really do not have anything in common. You know, one day you will want to make a mend of our relationship. When that day comes, I will be here.

BTW, I don't have to lie about you, you do a good job of hanging yourself.

Keep in mind that he is not-very-functioning-autistic, plus he has Kleinfelter's syndrome, so that what he writes is only parroting my mom and dad. For instance, he accuses me of always taking the easy way out, when I was the one who joined the Army at 17 and he lived at home, without a job, until he was 35. Also, he constantly refers to our childhood and how great things were then, the truth was he was an overwhelmingly hostile bully to me and I had to avoid him for my own safety. We were never ever close by any stretch of the imagination. My grandmother wouldn't even let us play together when she watched us, after he took a kitchen knife and tried to stab me when he was about 6. Also keep in mind that I've never mentioned to them anything about cutting myself off from the family, they are the ones who keep bringing it up. His last statement is in reference to the fact that I have to constantly tell him to stop spreading rumors about me.

[Plant Woman]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

PW, how do you feel today about that? Were you like my hubby, who feared he would have all kinds of trouble maintaining black out, only to find it quite easy, or has it been very difficult?

Not trying to psychoanalyze, but like livius my folks love and respect me and are fairly normal, so I am just curious or a vastly different experience. I totally grilled my husband about it too.

After she pulled the "cutting me from the herd" stunt, it was quite painful to walk away, but necessary for my own sanity. I wasn't planning on totally walking away from her, just blocked her email because she wouldn't honor my requests. Had she called me and said she didn't realize how important it was to me to stop those emails and she wouldn't send me anymore, I would have accepted it, no apologies necessary, just honor my boundaries. Hopefully Kevlar's family isn't so dysfunctional. I've had lots of therapy to help me with mine.

[beyelzu]

Originally Posted by Leesifer

Kev, can't you just delete the godspam emails?

Why do you have to reply with an atheist response? It's not like you're going to convert them, the same as they are not going to convert you.

for me, it's the whole dont let ignorance go unopposed. If you want to pass something on that is amusing, meh, ok. if you want to spam me with crap about your god dont expect me to be silent about it.


Its the same reason I used to wear my nothing fails like prayer shirt.

I like to let them know that there are people that dont believe like them and that i personally dont appreciate them bothering me.

[Kevlar]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

PW, how do you feel today about that? Were you like my hubby, who feared he would have all kinds of trouble maintaining black out, only to find it quite easy, or has it been very difficult?

Not trying to psychoanalyze, but like livius my folks love and respect me and are fairly normal, so I am just curious about a vastly different experience. I totally grilled my husband about it too.

This is my wife's problem with understanding my situation, she had a very doting mother and father, so I'm not sure that she understands the insecurity I've gone through.

[Kevlar]

Originally Posted by beyelzu

for me, it's the whole dont let ignorance go unopposed. If you want to pass something on that is amusing, meh, ok. if you want to spam me with crap about your god dont expect me to be silent about it.


Its the same reason I used to wear my nothing fails like prayer shirt.

I like to let them know that there are people that dont believe like them and that i personally dont appreciate them bothering me.

Word

[Plant Woman]

Kev, I see we cross-posted. The healthiest thing we can do in our situation is set our boundaries and be firm. They are going to do everything to keep you in your usual place, but it only serves to show you their own dysfunction. At some point it helps to accept that they think negatively about you, spread rumors etc. It doesn't matter if you are caught in the net, or untangle yourself from it, they will still think that way about you and still behave the same way. I've had to learn that it isn't a reflection on me, it's their dysfunction, and I'm not owning it anymore.

[erimir]

Originally Posted by Watser?

ETA: My parents made me go to (Catholic) church too, until I refused to go any longer at about 17 or so. They weren't happy about that, but accepted it. They never harassed me about it or guilted me or told me I would go to Hell.

Of course not. There's no point in threatening a Dutchman with hell. We all know the Dutch are so evil that they all go to hell regardless.

Also, this thread makes me appreciate having irreligious parents.

[livius drusus]

Originally Posted by Watser?

My parents made me go to (Catholic) church too, until I refused to go any longer at about 17 or so. They weren't happy about that, but accepted it. They never harassed me about it or guilted me or told me I would go to Hell.

I had to go to mass at school (we had mass 3 or 4 times a semester for major holidays and events like the anniversary of someone becoming a nun) and St. Peter's every Sunday and we weren't even Catholic!!1 My parents are sort of vague liberal Protestants, but as far as they were concerned, it was a matter of respecting local custom. When in Rome and all that.

[beyelzu]

Originally Posted by Kevlar

Dang, PeeDub... sounds all too familiar... here is the last e-mail from my brother:

Keep in mind that he is not-very-functioning-autistic, plus he has Kleinfelter's syndrome, so that what he writes is only parroting my mom and dad. For instance, he accuses me of always taking the easy way out, when I was the one who joined the Army at 17 and he lived at home, without a job, until he was 35. Also, he constantly refers to our childhood and how great things were then, the truth was he was an overwhelmingly hostile bully to me and I had to avoid him for my own safety. We were never ever close by any stretch of the imagination. My grandmother wouldn't even let us play together when she watched us, after he took a kitchen knife and tried to stab me when he was about 6. Also keep in mind that I've never mentioned to them anything about cutting myself off from the family, they are the ones who keep bringing it up. His last statement is in reference to the fact that I have to constantly tell him to stop spreading rumors about me.

dude, tell him to shut the fuck up and/or get help.


that is complete fucking bullshit, I dont know you irl, I dont know your past, but there is no fucking way that is an accurate view of who you are and the situation.

I find it impossible to believe that avoidance would be more heart rending then receiving such noxious bullshit.

Seriously man, dont take that shit.

[beyelzu]

Originally Posted by erimir

Of course not. There's no point in threatening a Dutchman with hell. We all know the Dutch are so evil that they all go to hell regardless.

Also, this thread makes me appreciate having irreligious parents.

and suddenly I appreciate a mother who wasnt particularly religious and was generally too hungover to take us to church.

[beyelzu]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

I had to go to mass at school (we had mass 3 or 4 times a semester for major holidays and events like the anniversary of someone becoming a nun) and St. Peter's every Sunday and we weren't even Catholic!!1 My parents are sort of vague liberal Protestants, but as far as they were concerned, it was a matter of respecting local custom. When in Rome and all that.

did they also make you serve a stint as a secutor or perhaps a retiarius?

[LadyShea]

I'm not owning it anymore

This is something many have to say to themselves, including me. What I tend to take on as mine is maybe different than yours or others, but that tendency is strong.

[livius drusus]

Originally Posted by beyelzu

did they also make you serve a stint as a secutor or perhaps a retiarius?

No, dammit. And that would have come with way cooler gear than a blue blazer. I TAKE IT ALL BACK, MOM AND DAD. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?

[Kevlar]

Originally Posted by beyelzu

dude, tell him to shut the fuck up and/or get help.


that is complete fucking bullshit, I dont know you irl, I dont know your past, but there is no fucking way that is an accurate view of who you are and the situation.

I find it impossible to believe that avoidance would be more heart rending then receiving such noxious bullshit.

Seriously man, dont take that shit.

You are absolutely right, it is a complete fabrication of the circumstances. I can't exactly blame my brother, as it truly is mental disorder. He has always been grossly removed from reality... and I do tell him to fuck off from time-to-time, but I really shouldn't (I feel bad about it). The real problem is he's just saying what my parents tell him.