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Untitled D&D Sketch
Untitled D&D Sketch
I think I had a Youtube Bit in Mind when I did this at Work
Published by Brimshack
01-21-2008
Default Untitled D&D Sketch

Untitled D&D Sketch
Brimshack
(1/21/08)

Intro Narrative:

(very serious tone) Ladies and gentleman, parents, teachers, ministers, politicians, concerned citizens of our great nation. We know that you are all concerned. It has been quite awhile since you have had any new information on the nature of this very serious matter. Others have tried to study the subject, and we have all learned from their efforts. But it has been years since you have had a proper update on the game of Dungeons and Dragons, otherwise known as D&D. People are still playing it. Yes, itís true. There are indeed gamers out there, and they are probably playing a game somewhere in your neighbourhood right now.

What is most important to realise ladies and gentlemen is that this game and others like it have evolved, as has the mysterious culture in which it flourishes. A crowd of gamers remains every bit as frightening as it was when we first learned of this phenomenon back in the 1980s. The threat these miscreants pose to our society, our beliefs, and values, even our previous vital fluids, has evolved considerably. Without careful attention, many will fail to recognise its new dangers.

What we have for you today is a peek into the current state of this nefarious activity, a view of the modern threat to our cherished civilisation and the gamers who contribute to it. This is a chance to see into the lives of modern gamers. Itís not pretty. Still, we must all examine this enduring phenomenon with an unflinching eye and a tightly clenching set of sphincter muscles. (Pause) ÖLadies and gentlemen, please pay very close attention as we bring you this glimpse into the lives of modern gamers.

Characters:

Jane: (With Chris)
Laura: Goth
Chris: (With Jane)
David: Has laptop Occasionally looks at Viking Hat guy a little disgusted
Mark: Big guy Wearing a Viking Hat. Not present at first. A vacant place is at the table.
Rob: Guy with back or side to the group, clearly playing a video game on a computer set up on a nearby table. He is very intent on the video game.
GM (ďJohnĒ): Way too into the game. Lots of gaming materials all over the place. Notes galore.

Scene:

This is a D&D Game in someoneís kitchen or basement. Several people in their late teens to mid twenties are clustered around a table. The table is cluttered with game materials and the space around it is crowded. The conversation is fast paced. The characters talk over each other a great deal.

It Begins

Jane: So like, which one is the 4 sided dice?

GM: You can tell them apart by remembering the basic shapes. They are all poly....

Laura: (bored and sarcastic) Itís right under your hand. (There are several dice under Janeís hand, but the 4 sided is directly under it.)

David: Come on Jane, youíve you can remember this.

Jane: This one? Picks up 20 sided near her other hand.

GM: Okay, Iím trying to explain. There are 4 sided, 6 sidedÖ

Laura: No, not that one. Look how many sides does it have. Does that look like it has just 4 sides?
Jane: (looking at the dice in her hand) I donít know how many sides does it have? It looks like a lot.

GM: That one in your hand is a 20 sided dice. The whole system is based on that dice. Itís what you roll for your attacks, your saves, yourÖ

Jane: So, thatís what I roll, right?

All others present but Chris: No.

Laura: The 4 sided. Itís right under your hand.

GM: Youíre rolling damage for your dagger. If you were rolling the actual attack, then it would be the 20 sided dice, but youíve already done that. So, nowÖ

Jane: (Ignoring the GM and looking at Chris) Which one, do I roll honey? (She is clearly happy to be asking HIM what to do. Chris comes out of happy trance and looks like heís trying to figure out what she is asking him.)

Mark: (Enters the scene and begins handing people sodas. Picks up the 4 sided dice as its right next to wear he puts a soda for Chris and hands it to Laura.) Here it is; what do you want it for?

Jane: Iím killing the ogre.

Mark: Youíre not going to roll that are you? (Slight disbelief)

Jane: Iím going to kill the Ogre! (beaming with pride!)

Mark: Okay-y (as if he thinks there is something wrong with that.)

Laura: Not likely?

Chris: I asked for Mountain Dew.

Rob: (Without looking up from his computer, he takes the soda from Chris, opens it and begins drinking. Chris looks helpless, and Jane is shaking the dice in preparation for rolling it).

GM: Okay, so now you roll the dice?

Jane: (Rolls dice, then looks confused at the result) Which one isÖ, how do youÖ

Laura: Itís a 4.

GM: Plus how much?

Jane: What do you mean? (deer caught in headlights)

Chris: (looks at her character sheet) Total Damage is 6.

Jane: How did youÖ

Laura: Cool, Iím next right?

Jane: Is it dead? (Laura rolls her eyes at this)

Chris: You did good, dear.

Mark: I think Iím next.

GM: Robís next. Rob? (All look at Rob, who is intent on the video game). ÖOkay, so Robís character is taking a nap.

Chris: In the middle of a battle?

Mark: Apparently.

Laura: Itís a special kind of sleeping sickness.

GM: Yeah, so Mark youíre up next.

Mark: Mei Ling, My name is Mei Ling! (GM looks at his Viking Helmet for a moment, then continues obviously suppressing a question. Jane looks at the hat as well, she looks a little confused. Laura looks like she knows exactly what the hat is about and is bored to tears waiting for the others to get on with things.)

GM: Okay, Mei Ling, (takes breath and prepares to speak, pauses and lets it out without speaking, then tries again), so Mei Ling youíre up next.

Mark: Okay, so I kill the Ogre.

GM: You what?

Mark: I kill the Ogre.

GM You mean, you attack him? With your hand or with your nunchucku right?

Mark: Yeah whatever. I kill him.

(GM Just looks at him)

Mark: I tumble gracefully through his free attacks, and I kill him.

GM: Cool, that sounds like a plan. So, roll an attack dice.

Mark: Fuck Off!

GM: What? (Mild Disbelief. He clearly expects to hear itís just a joke)

Mark: I kill him.

David: Youíre not listening to Mei Ling, John. She killed the Ogre. What more do you want?

GM: Well?

Jane: Heís dead now, right? Did I help at all?

Mark: I got a like super big mega-badass magic nunchucks of Uber-Doom. Itís totally dead.

Laura: Uber Doom (Nodding).

Chris: Thatís right. Those are amazing nunchucks. Mei Ling just looks at people and goes, Whacha!

Jane: Whacha!

Rob: The Ogreís dead. (Concentration is on his video game)

GM Shut up Rob, youíre asleep. (Looks at Mark, as if to ask him again)

Mark: Fuck Off!

GM: ButÖ

Laura: Can we get on with the game!?!

(Pause)

GM: Okay so David, youíre up next.

David: So, the Ogre is dead, right? (Laura says Duh! GM looks at him as if pleading for him not to ask that question.) That means I can pick up the magic orb without getting hit.

GM: You go over to the orb you mean?

David: No, I pick it up.

GM: Look, itís 90í away, and youíre still on your knees from the goblin incident. So, youíre going to have to...

David: Right, so I get up, and I walk over and I pick up the orb.

GM: But you had a sword in each hand.

David: Theyíre sheathed.

Laura: Duh!, (She continues) Öhe put them away like years ago.

GM: I didnít hear that. When did youÖ

David: Okay, so Iím doing it now, all right. I stand up, I put the swords, away, and I walk over and I pick up the orb.

(Pause)

David: Yes, I pull up my pants.

(Awkward pause)

GM: Okay, thatís just an awful lot to do in one turn.

David: Have you seen my Dex?

GM: Okay, but that just meansÖ

David: Okay, I totally can do all of that that in one turn.

GM: Okay fine, (sees a chance to get things back on track) so now you are going to need to roll a saving throw for the glowing green gas that begins to flow out of the alter as you pick up the orb. The gasÖ

David: What, you didnít even roll for my detect traps thing.

GM: (Falling into a script) The gas smells faintly of lilacs in Spring, but you feel a strange scratchy sensation as you breatheÖ

David: Dude! Come on, you know I would have found it when I looked under the alter and checked for traps before picking it up.

GM You didnít say you were going that.

Laura: Well duh!

Jane: (Real earnest and trying to show that she can reason her way through the game) Honestly John, I donít think he would pick up the orb without checking for traps. I mean he has been playing this game longer than any of us. David wouldnít have just picked up the orb without checking.

Chris: Yeah, show a little respect will you John? (Jane is pleased Chris backed her up, and they cuddle ÖLaura is disgusted but still focusing on the game.)

GM: ButÖ

Mark: Dude, come on! (To GM)

GM: Youíre looking for traps in addition to all those other things, all in this in just one turn?

Mark: I got mad feats!

(GM Looks to the others for support Ė Jane and Chris are busy making goo goo eyes at each other, Mark offers no help, and Laura just looks impatient for him to do as asked. Rob is busy at his computer.)

GM (Sigh!) Okay, I guess maybe you could have checked. So, like, youíll need to roll a die 20.

David: Go to Hell!

(Awkward Pause)

Rob: (Concentrating on his computer, he yells at the screen) Boom! I got your curly gold hair, baby! (All are momentarily distracted and a little confused, some curiosity especially from David).

GM: (Giving up on David) Okay, so LauraÖ

Laura: Call me Bash-Heit Metablang.

GM: LauraÖ

Laura: Bash-Heit!

GM: (Pauses, then continues) Okay, um, BashÖ

Laura: I kill the orcs.

GM: (Looks like heís trying to form the courage to ask her a question)

Laura: Donít even!

(The GM looks at her a moment, then looks like heís about to make the necessary notes, looks at her again as if he needs to ask her a new question)

Laura: All of them. (Looking disgusted that she had to say it)

(Pause, then the GM makes the necessary notes).

David: So, I have the orb right? Is it cool? (looks at Rob, and taps some keys on his computer Öthe computer boots up)

GM: Yes, you have the orb. (David, looks at him as if questioning) (Sighs, then with resignation) Itís really cool!

All the players: Cool (most are smiling).

GM: All right, so the next thing to do isÖ

Chris: Iím next, right?

GM: Yes.

Chris: And there is nothing left between me and the evil dragon right?

GM: Well, itís about 30í away and there is a little rough terrain, but with your quickening boots, you could probably get there in time to take an attack.

Chris: I kill the dragon.

(GM sighs. Others celebrate. Guys 2 and 3 give each other high fives. Jane and Chris hug a little Ė and maybe rub their noses. Laura looks like sheís about to vomit in response to the affection. The GM is in disbelief.)

GM: Look thatís the Big Bad Evil Guy. Heís the culmination of the whole game. you canít just kill it with one roll.

Chris: I have a really big sword. (Laura rolls her eyes at this)

(GM Looks exasperated)

Chris: I have a huge Holy Sword of Dragon-killing Death Vengeance, (A little too proud of his sword) donít I sweetie (points at character sheet).

Jane: WellÖ

Chris: Itís a super mega-badass heroic kinda sword and itís what I use to slay dragons.

Jane: Honey, itís just a little +2 short sword. (Enjoying the chance to say that)

Chris: No, itís not, itís a great big holy sword, perfect for killing dragons.

Laura: Girlie Dragons, you mean?

Jane: Itís okay honey, you have a lovely sword (pats him on the leg). Iím sure all the dragons are very impressed.

Chris: (Looks tongue tied and frustrated, not so cuddly at the moment).

GM: (Either oblivious to the double entendre or just too focused on the game to care) Well it might be a Holy sword under most circumstances, and we all know itís a special gift from the gods. (Laura spits coke at hearing this.) They gave it to you for just for this sort of thing...

Chris: Right!

GM: But ever since that time in the brothel and whole thing with that 10 year old child...

Chris: The Vampire!

GM: Öthe 10 year old child, who may or may not have been a vampire...

Chris: definitely a vampire!

GM ÖLook, the point is that lately you just havenít been able to wield your sword properly. Itís supposed to be a great Holy Sword, but right now itís just a +2 Short Sword. (Jane nods and restrains her laughter, Laura smirks, GM is oblivious, as is David now who is now working earnestly at something on his laptop).

Rob: Dude, is that you?

David: Yep, Iím on man!

Rob: Awesome!

GM: (Really exasperated and trying to ignore the computer gamers) So, the point is you never got it straight with the priests, and now your sword doesnít have its full power.

Chris: Okay, so youíre saying my sword actually shrunk? (Jane is almost dying with laughter here. Laura is very amused. Chris and the GM are oblivious, and the others are beginning to look more at the video game.)

GM: Well the magic just isnít that impressive right now.

Chris: Bullshit! Itís a Holy Sword, I impale the dragon with itÖ

Laura: (still laughing) Öand it dies!

Mark: Awesome, this is going to be worth so many experience points.

GM: Look, itís not just another orcÖ

Chris: Yeah, I know itís the BBEG, I killed the BBEG. Thatís got to be enough to get me right with my gods again, so the sword works now right?

GM: (Pause), WellÖ

Jane: Honey, whatís a BBEG?

All but the GM and Rob: Big Bad Evil Guy!

Mark: (Continues the answer) thatís what your sweetheart just killed with his holy sword. Thank the gods it works now.

GM: I didnít say it works now.

Chris: You donít need to. The Dragon is dead, so we know it works.

Laura: Duh!

GM: Thatís just not how it works.

Chris: (Deadpan) Dead Dragon.

GM: (Sigh!) Okay, so the dragon, at least gets off one fiery blast with its dying breath.

Mark: Huh?

GM: (Holds up his hands to shut the others up, then explains slowly, as if he memorised this) When struck in its vital spot, the great wyrm draws up and gasps in pain. It pauses briefly and then lets loose with a final blast of unholy flame as it exhales the last breath it will ever take.

Laura: That is SO cool. (All except Rob pause to take in the significance of the narrative).

David: (Shrugs shoulders): Okay, that sounds good.

Mark: Yeah.

Chris: Good campaign flavour, man, (with emphasis) Good flavour.

GM: Thank you. Okay guys, so youíll all need to roll saving throws:

ALL: Fuck Off!

Laura: What is wrong with you John!?!

GM: (Sighs, Lowers his head to his hands. There is a general pause)

Rob: (Intent on his computer, but saying to David) Dude! You canít do it like that. You have to hit them before they get up on you.

David: Iím trying, but the button on this thing doesnít work so well.

Rob: Go! Go! Go! Go! YEAH!

David: Oh Yeah! (Chris and Mark are beginning to take an interest in this)

Jane: (looking at the 4 sided dice) Oh I get it; you read the one on the bottom.

Chris: Or the top (handing her a different 4 sided dice).

Laura: Rob, are you on a new level?

Rob: Totally. You wouldnít believe the graphics they got for this one creature here. (Mark goes to look over his shoulder at the computer screen).

GM: I donít believe this.

Mark: Those are the breaks, dude. You canít fault a man for knowing how to play the game.

Chris: Sometimes you just gotta rise to the challenge.

David: Way to slay Ďem man.

GM: and no-one is going to roll a saving throw?

Laura: (Looks at him in disgust.)

Jane: Do I roll this one? (holds out the 4 sided dice).

Chris: (Getting up from the table, and taking the dice away to put it in his bag.) No, honey. Itís all over, you did real good. (Begins to look a little at the laptop.)

GM: Itís a really big dragon. (As if pleading his case for a longer more challenging game)
(In response Laura and Jane Smile at Chris as if congratulating him. David gives him a high 5 without looking away from his computer.)

Chris: Iím gonna log-on upstairs, Donít kill me when I enter the room. (Rob and David both nod and/or say yeah good) John can you email me the experience and treasure? (He exits). (Mark is now completely engrossed in watching the game that Rob is playing and pointing at the screen. Jane is totally lost in thought as she toys around with another dice. The GM looks at his stuff. He has planned so much more. When he looks up the only person left paying attention to him is Laura.

ÖShe gives him a sarcastic shrug, as if saying ďWhatĒ!?!)
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