With regard to the whole "not noticing flirting" thing, on further reflection, I think that I have at least a partial explanation. I could never approach some strange woman and initiate conversation without some good reason ("I think you're attractive" not being such a reason), but I'm perfectly well-aware that plenty of people approach strangers and initiate conversations for no other reason than to be social. So it'd never occur to me that if some woman wanted to talk with me, that it suggested any sort of attraction. I'd figure she was just being social if there was no obvious explanation for her wanting to speak with me.
That probably says something about my psychological make-up, especially since it appears to me that an awful lot of men have the exact opposite mindset. Is it just me, or do an awful lot of men seem to assume that if a woman wants to talk with them, this indicates that she must be attracted to him?
I am like you in this, as was/is my father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger
As has been mentioned, I've been lucky-enough to have met LadyShea and her charming family.
This might prove amusing. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way.
My thought processes during the first minute or so went something like this:
"Oh my goodness, she wants to hug me! I don't know you that well! Nobody hugs me! What do you think you're do--
Actually, this is kind of nice."
I like hugging. But, I do wonder when the whole bro-hug thing started. It seems so insincere most of the time. I'd rather just shake hands, thank you so much. If I really like you, I'll grab your hand with both of my hands, or something along those lines. I do hug my friends, what few I have, and the menfolk in my family. I love hugging the womenfolk too, of course.
Did you ever see the movie Grease '78?
__________________ The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about. Wayne Dyer
With regard to the whole "not noticing flirting" thing, on further reflection, I think that I have at least a partial explanation. I could never approach some strange woman and initiate conversation without some good reason ("I think you're attractive" not being such a reason), but I'm perfectly well-aware that plenty of people approach strangers and initiate conversations for no other reason than to be social. So it'd never occur to me that if some woman wanted to talk with me, that it suggested any sort of attraction. I'd figure she was just being social if there was no obvious explanation for her wanting to speak with me.
That probably says something about my psychological make-up, especially since it appears to me that an awful lot of men have the exact opposite mindset. Is it just me, or do an awful lot of men seem to assume that if a woman wants to talk with them, this indicates that she must be attracted to him?
In my case, it's sort of a mix.
I also would never approach a stranger to converse without some good reason, but "I think you're attractive" does count as such a reason, for me. I'm obviously aware that more extroverted people often do just strike up random conversations for no reason other than the sake of socialization, though. So, if some random woman should approach me, I have a momentary mental crisis where I'm all "Friendliness? Flirting? Friendliness? Flirting? Arrghghhhh...better err on the side of safety...friendliness!" And then, when it occasionally does turn out to be flirting, I don't see it.
Amusingly enough, my SO, having been forewarned by a mutual friend, opened up with (seriously, this is almost word for word) "You're cute. You should talk to me now."
__________________
"Trans Am Jesus" is "what hanged me"
Amusingly enough, my SO, having been forewarned by a mutual friend, opened up with (seriously, this is almost word for word) "You're cute. You should talk to me now."
***
Yeah, I'm definitely of Northern European descent, and I'm not a "hugger" by nature. Ironically, I'm very-much on the introverted side of the scale in a family that consists mostly of people who are very-much on the opposite end of the scale. Can be awkward at family get-togethers.
I first met my friend Douglas on the first day of classes of my sophomore year in college. He was a year behind me, and so this was his first day. As luck would have it, Douglas was rooming with my friend Nathan.
I should point out that Douglas is a big guy. Big, hairy; picture a very friendly and outgoing grizzly bear and you'll get the picture.
So anyway, I walked into the dorm and Nathan said, "Michael, this is my new room-mate, Doug-"
By the time Nathan had gotten that far, Douglas had taken two large strides, enveloped me in his arms, and lifted me off the ground while squeezing enthusiastically.
I said, very quietly but apparently with a lot of force: "Let. Go. Now."
Douglas later told me that he was terrified of me for weeks afterward. But he did learn that not everyone appreciates being bear-hugged by a stranger. We're still friends, as it happens, but he most-definitely doesn't grab me without plenty of advance warning.
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
I've always get the "what's wrong with you" treatment. It's a combination of
1) Not liking BS in either the form of small talk or uninformed conversation. Obama is a muslim stealing our guns....discuss, is not a conversation. When I talk about things I like, eyes glaze over, and I'm the boring one or I'm too smart for my own good. Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.
2) Not liking larger crowds due to my sensitive hearing. At 44 I can still pick up all those high tones that only kids are supposed to hear. So I must have had dog hearing as a kid. It causes my internal perception of my sound projection to be loud, so I talk loudly in my head and softly to everone else. The hearing sensitivity also causes me to loose conversation with the people around me and pick up other conversations from across a room when I move my big ears back and forth. In large groups it's like someone is scrolling up and down the radio dial quickly and you only pick up pieces here and there. And it causes headaches if people talk loudly or yell in confined spaces.
3) I like to take my time thinking about things. Makes me a great researcher, good at solving harder problems, and making sound decisions on critical items (like multi-million dollar contracts). When I talk to my wife on chat we get more done because I can think it through, quickly look things up to fill in gaps, and get back to her. A 1 or 2 minute pause in a chat is not a big deal but not acceptable in conversation. Sometimes she'll ask me what I think and expect an answer right away. Like we haven't been married 20 years or something.
4) I'm tired of people trying to "fix me" when I'm in a social setting. Usually if I go in like an extrovert my wife will tell me later I said whatever wrong. No kidding. Because she expects me to act like me but do it faster. Not act like other people. Every book I've read on Introvert/Extrovert has said introvert must learn to be social in socal settings so as not to appear rude. I've rarely seen one tell extroverted assholes to STFU. They call that working the room.
For shits and grins I googled, "fixing the extrovert". See what you get.
There's more, but I need some time to think it through.
__________________
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life.
That 'introversion is not shyness' thing keeps coming up when I try to tell my friends and coworkers about this discussion. They are constantly assuming I'm an extrovert because I can talk to people and missing that the point is that I actually don't want to talk to people.
Case in point, on Friday I went to a wine tasting with a friend. Knowing that there would only be palate cleansing levels of food at the tasting, I suggested we go first to the bar I've been talking up in the Best Burger Joint thread. The place was having a special beer cocktail event that night and it was packed. When I got there she was sharing a table with a couple guys I'd never met, as there was nowhere else to sit. I sat down, ordered my food and talked to the guys. Later I inwardly congratulated myself on managing to make relevant remarks for a change.
When we were at the wine tasting I mentioned this discussion and she said, "You're not an introvert. You talked to those guys." I responded that I'm an introvert who's learned to fake it well. In retrospect, I wish I had read the post about introversion not equaling shyness and used that instead.
__________________
"freedom to differ is not limited to things that do not matter much. That would be a mere shadow of freedom. The test of its substance is the right to differ as to things that touch the heart of the existing order."
- Justice Robert Jackson, West Virginia State Board of Ed. v. Barnette
I've surprised people too. I can write stories and stuff much better than I do here. Here I'm throwing out words and some stick. But mostly I sound stupidish by my standards. I can give presentations to large groups on subjects I know well; 250-500 isn't bad. I can talk with small groups of like 4-6 adults who aren't fucking idiots.
But put me in a mid size group of like 10+ people or more and I get quieter, a party with 50+ is tough and feels like I'm being hit with a conversation hammer, a presentation to a group <50 gets tough, and in the 10-20 range sucks.
The more I drink the quieter I get until I finally go to sleep. So it doesn't work as a "social lubricant". I've had people hand me a drink and tell me to loosen up and relax. I guess I do just that.
__________________
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life.
That 'introversion is not shyness' thing keeps coming up when I try to tell my friends and coworkers about this discussion. They are constantly assuming I'm an extrovert because I can talk to people and missing that the point is that I actually don't want to talk to people.
That's a major peeve of mine. I've figured out how to make eye contact and speak in complete sentences, so people don't believe me if I claim to be an introvert. Yes, when I'm on, I can be just as social and outgoing and charming and whatever as anyone else, but the thing is I have to be on, and being on is tiring.
__________________
"Trans Am Jesus" is "what hanged me"
That's a major peeve of mine. I've figured out how to make eye contact and speak in complete sentences, so people don't believe me if I claim to be an introvert. Yes, when I'm on, I can be just as social and outgoing and charming and whatever as anyone else, but the thing is I have to be on, and being on is tiring.
Right? And then after you have kicked ass all day and are ready to turn it off and celebrate your victory in your own little way, when you are like, "I think I'll go out alone tonight. No really, I'll be fine. Yes, seriously, I'm going to go to something alone instead of doing the thing that everybody else wants to do," they're all like, "What's wro-o-onggg? Don't you want to celebrate? Are you mad?" and then they get all ass-hurt when you finally cut loose with, "NOTHING'S WRONG MOTHERFUCKER HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I AM A FUCKING INTROVERT?! NOW IF YOU DON'T STEP OUT OF MY FACE ON THE COUNT OF ZERO I AM GOING TO FUCKING THROATPUNCH YOU DIRECTLY IN YOUR THROAT!"
I would suggest that there are only a few who are very introverted or extroverted, most will be somewhere in the middle of the extremes. It is possible that a forum like this attracts those who are well off the center and that has got me wondering where I am on the spectrum. I enjoy being alone, but not always. I like being at parties, but not always. I can be in a line, say at the post office to pick up a package, and have no difficulty talking to another person in the line. I can get up in front of a group, even strangers, and it doesn't make me nervous, but I don't want to. One thing I've learned over the years, is that to avoid sticking your foot in your mouth, keep your mouth shut.
__________________ The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about. Wayne Dyer
That 'introversion is not shyness' thing keeps coming up when I try to tell my friends and coworkers about this discussion. They are constantly assuming I'm an extrovert because I can talk to people and missing that the point is that I actually don't want to talk to people.
That's a major peeve of mine. I've figured out how to make eye contact and speak in complete sentences, so people don't believe me if I claim to be an introvert. Yes, when I'm on, I can be just as social and outgoing and charming and whatever as anyone else, but the thing is I have to be on, and being on is tiring.
This fucking exactly. I get the exact same shit. "Introverted" doesn't mean "helplessly fucking awkward".
__________________ Father Helel, save us from the dark.
As usual, I get the diamond, because I am such a well-rounded individual. Looks like I have slightly less restraint than I have anxiety, because fuck it! What's the worst that could happen?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ensign Steve
"NOTHING'S WRONG MOTHERFUCKER HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I AM A FUCKING INTROVERT?! NOW IF YOU DON'T STEP OUT OF MY FACE ON THE COUNT OF ZERO I AM GOING TO FUCKING THROATPUNCH YOU DIRECTLY IN YOUR THROAT!"
Mine is squished on the bottom. But I think a lot of that is just age and training. Certainly I used to be more anxious than I am. The other thing I was thinking is that I have my own house and get to choose how much I'm with people. Certainly if I were answering the questions after spending days stuck with my family I would have scored very different. But I can say no, shut the door and not deal with people if I want, which makes it easier when I do have to deal with them.
One thing I noticed this week is that I mentally pat myself on the back whenever I get through a simple social interaction. This week it was just saying "Hi, how are you?" to my neighbor and replying to his response. Followed by the "Did I screw that up? No, you did good" thought process.
__________________
"freedom to differ is not limited to things that do not matter much. That would be a mere shadow of freedom. The test of its substance is the right to differ as to things that touch the heart of the existing order."
- Justice Robert Jackson, West Virginia State Board of Ed. v. Barnette
Self-assessments are weird and I don't like them. What do things like 'usually' and 'often' mean? Isn't that relative? I DO EVERYTHING THE NORMAL AMOUNT OF TIMES.
I tried, though, and I got pretty high on social and kind of high of restrained (tempered by the thing where I actually do try to do everything once, but only exactly once). I almost never think and am not anxious, though.
~40% social
~40% restrained
~30% thinking
~25% anxious
I don't have a lot of anxiety about social situations, I just expect that certain ones will not be enjoyable for me. I feel that I'm a little more introverted than extroverted since I definitely feel the urge to socialize, but with limits (and I'm often fine with not seeing anyone for a couple days), and the larger the group generally the less I will enjoy it (and I hate crowds).
If say "50% social" should mean neither introverted nor extroverted, or an average amount, then either their calibration is off or I'm less introverted than I thought (relative to the average?)
~40% social
~40% restrained
~30% thinking
~25% anxious
I don't have a lot of anxiety about social situations, I just expect that certain ones will not be enjoyable for me. I feel that I'm a little more introverted than extroverted since I definitely feel the urge to socialize, but with limits (and I'm often fine with not seeing anyone for a couple days), and the larger the group generally the less I will enjoy it (and I hate crowds).
If say "50% social" should mean neither introverted nor extroverted, or an average amount, then either their calibration is off or I'm less introverted than I thought (relative to the average?)
I just took the test, giving the most "introverted" answer for every question, and it came back as 50% in every category, so I don't think it's possible to get higher. (I am of course assuming that giving the opposite answers would get me zeroes.*)
I don't know why they are showing any higher numbers on the chart. It kind of undermines the illusion that they're measuring some objective, quantifiable thing.
* I pretended for a minute like I wasn't going to go test that, but only for a minute. The lowest possible scores are actually 10%.