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"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
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"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
I don't see a chicken? Is this some kind of twisted psychological test?
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the University of Maine.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said weakly: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
The Baptist went back to the forest about a month later, looking for the bear he had converted. He came upon an enormous grizzly, and realized there would be no way to drag this one to the water. The beast was upon him in seconds, ready to slash him to death with one swipe of its enormous claws. So, desperately, he prayed, "Oh Lord, please let this bear be a CHRISTIAN bear!"
The bear immediately bowed its head.
"Oh thank you, Lord," the Baptist groaned.
Then the bear began to speak. "Our father who art in Heaven, please bless this food I am about to receive ..."
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"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
A mother and her four year old daughter were walking down a sidewalk when the little girl picked something up from sidewalk and put it in her mouth. Her mother promptly ordered her to spit it out because it was dirty and might be covered with germs. The little girl asked her how she new this. Her mother replied that it was on the Mommy Test, something that every mommy had to pass before she could become a mother. The little girl was suitably impressed and looked at her mother in awe. As they continued the walk it was obvious that the little girl was deep in thought. Suddenly she turned to mother and said "I get it now. If you don't pass the test you have to be a daddy."
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
Q: What did Eve say to Adam when he asked her to go for a walk in the garden with him?
A: I can't possibly go. I don't have a thing to wear.
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
An Arab crawls through the desert croaking, "Water!, water!"
The only other guy in sight is a Jewish tie salesman.
"Water!, water!"
"All I've got is these ties. Tell you what, four miles that way there's a restaurant - they'll fix you up."
* crawls away in indicated direction.
* crawls back again a few hours later.
"Water!, water!"
"What's the matter? Didn't you find the restaurant?"
"Yes, but they won't let me in without a tie."
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up potatoes. An American tourist leaned over the fence and shouted out : " back home in Texas we grow potatoes that are five times that size."
"Aye laddie," replied the Scotsman, " but we only grow them to fit our own mouths."