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Old 03-20-2010, 01:40 AM
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Default Seen any crappy movies?

I just watched "The Happening." My Dog, does it suck. That movie is so full of suck, it would have to subtract an infinite portion of suck just to keep it from becoming a black whole sucking the fun, the joy, and the life out of all creation and transporting it right up the ass of M. Night Shyamalan, who is of course the fountain of suckitude responsible for all of the suckage in tis gigantic sucking eddy of fucking Goddamn sucking suckage!

Did I mention that the movie sucked?

Goddamn did it suck!
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  #2  
Old 03-20-2010, 01:42 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

I did mention "Twilight" in the last movie thread. If this thread had existed, I certainly would have posted it here.
Also "Orgazmo."
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Old 03-20-2010, 02:10 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

I don't mean to sound gay, but Orgazmo was funny. Not a great cinematic achievement but far superior to the following:

The Good
[Sic--Ed.] Doctor's List of Suck [Now on Betamax and Laserdisc!--Ed.]

We do not include films we know will suck like Damnation Alley and Dances with Wolves. In the order they crawled out of the darker and slimier regions of my psyche:
  • 1. Any Will Farrell film
    2. Tommy Boy
    3. Hail Mary--was dragged to see that piece of shit.
    4. Visitor Q--you are not Tarantino. You are not John Waters.
    5. Grandma's Boy--I beat a person, literally, for showing this.
    6. The Duke's of Hazard--in fact, any "Broken Lizard" film that is not Supertroopers.
    7. Kill Bill I & II--one might be able to edit it to an interesting short subject. Primarily remove anything with Uma in it. And I likes my Uma. That should tell you something.
    8. The English Patient--To quote Elaine: "DIE Already!!" And it is the "suprasternal notch," dude.
    9. Fanny and Alexander--yeah . . . nothing happens . . . how tragic . . . you still suck compared to Werner Hertzog and . . . like . . . anyone else.
    10. Any film "Written" by George Lucas that is not Raiders of the Lost Ark.
    11. Any Rob Schneider film.
    12. Dream Catcher--it has its moments, like that time when, like, Col. Winters bit the head off of someone and Ben Afleck's ass got eaten . . . then the film sucks as only a miscast Morgan Freedman paired with a Stephen King concept can.
    13. Laura--really.
    14. Batman--Mr. Mom? As Batman? Was Jim Carrey unavailable? Seriously, GTFO Burton! Depp would have been better! On that note:
    15. The Mask--I said it, you bet I did! Ruins the comic graphic novel, and sucks as Saturday Night Live Over-the-Top Carrey can. He should know better coming from In Living Color.

Right . . . need to clean my brain with a viewing of Sexy Beast.

Yes! Yes! YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!

--J. "Oh Yeah? We'll I've Fucked You Now!" D.
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Old 03-20-2010, 06:58 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Good [Sic--Ed.] Doctor's Continued List of Suck [Soundtracks available on 8-track and cassette!--Ed.]
  • 16. That Lake Woobegone film that Zzzzzzzzzzzz*
    17. 28 Weeks Later--what? The remakes did not suck enough?
    18. First Knight--"Get the sword." Shut the fuck up!
    19. True Romance--Bad Tarantino? Bad Jack imitation? Bad move.
    20. A Few Good Men--yeah . . . yeah . . . we love the Jack lines, and only the Jack lines. Since when has anyone quoted Demi Moore? THEN Jack's entire character has to change in order for the film to "work." Oh, and superior female officers just LOVE sexual harassment and insubordination! Has Fat-Man made a good film since This is Spīnal Tap?
    21. The Princess Bride--this clearly was not "it." Overwrought forced humor which explains why fans were beaten up in college for their milk money. Apologists claim "well . . . the book was darker" which is like telling you Dune gets "interesting after the first 473 pages!" Then the misfits quote it. At least the quotes from The Holy Grail are funny and were funny the first time, unlike the ones spouted by a Closet-Case who is excited to show you he understood the Vietnam reference since Mommy will not let him watch Apocalypse Now, The Boys from Company C and Rambo.
    22. Wizards--"But it's ANIMATION!" squealed the cartoon animation fan. "Yet it sucks!" I retorted before tossing fish at her. Always carry fish to a movie, I say. Oh, hey? Did you catch the Nazi references? Like . . . the bad guy is . . . like the Nazis.
    23. Any Jim Carey Film--seriously. The guy was funny back when the Amazing Jonathan was thin and Hair Bands were merely a twisted prophecy. In other words, before Bill Cosby was last funny. And I do not mean "poundcake."
    24. Thirteen Ghosts--Does this count? Of course it does! Because it has a great cast . . . wasted! Monk/Guy from MiB! Salieri! Nadia! That Girl from Charmed you masturbate to . . . no . . . the other one! Yet, despite that and "niffty" special effects . . . it made Hellraiser seem "innovative" and "deep." I mean, seriously. "Hellraiser." What did you expect? "A guy . . . like . . . raises Hell . . . and stuff . . . bad things happen. A girl is involved." Yet THIS cannot even deliever on that level. When you have shit, do not try to dress it up as art.

Sexy Beast may not be enough. I may need The Ruling Class.

YOU HAVE . . . F-F-FORGOTTEN HOW TO PUNISH, M'LORDS!

--J. "Whenever I Pray I Find I'm Talking to Myself!" D.
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:38 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

It seems I have let a monster loose...
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:41 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

I agree with all but one Doc. Laura. I thought Vincent Price, Gene Tierney, Dana Andrews, Clifton Webb and Judith Anderson took what could have been an otherwise tedious story and made it great.
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:43 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Of course, the short smart ass response to the thread title is: Yes. All of them.
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Old 03-20-2010, 11:01 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparks View Post
I agree with all but one Doc. Laura. I thought Vincent Price, Gene Tierney, Dana Andrews, Clifton Webb and Judith Anderson took what could have been an otherwise tedious story and made it great.
Bah! Price was wasted Dana Andrews sucks as he always sucked.

--J.D.
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Old 03-20-2010, 03:49 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Creator, which I caught last night on one of the Showtime channels. Peter O'Toole, Virginia Madsen, Mariel Hemingway, Vincent Spano, David Ogden Stiers were all wasted in this piece of crap from 1985.

O'Toole's character trying to clone his dead wife 30 years after her death; Hemingway's character donating one of her eggs for the project, then trying to convince O'Toole's character to marry her. He eventually does marry her and the end of the movie reveals he's knocked her up. Ew! 19 year old fucking a 70 year old? Ew!!

Then there's the other couple, Spano and Madsen, falling in love and then a brain aneurysm or something puts her into a coma. Everybody's ready to pull the plug because she's not in there anymore and he gets all nuts trying to save her from the doctor and the parents who want to "let her go". The overacting that went into that mess made me ill but for some reason I was unable to look away.

Somewhere in there is a sub-subplot where Ogden Stiers is trying to get O'Toole forcefully retired so he can get some research money or something. Can't be bothered to figure any of that out.

So why did I sit through it? To catch a glimpse of John Dehner, who I'm a fan of after listening to his Paladin in the radio version of Have Gun, Will Travel.

Tsk. The things I put myself through for the most trivial of reasons.
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Old 03-20-2010, 03:58 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Box. I went with my brother in law and we decided to walk out at what we later figured out was about the 2/3 mark. So I looked up on line how it ends to see if we missed anything good, and no. No we did not.

It starts out with a somewhat interesting premise (not the box itself, but what happens after), and some killer 1970's costume and set design. But then it just got weirder and more stupid to the point we couldn't take it any more.
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Old 03-21-2010, 02:24 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

War.
With Jason Statham and Jet Li, I figure it has to be awesome, right? Horrible, horrible "script," half the Japanese mob were played by Chinese actors (:rolleyes:), and I saw the "twist" ending coming a mile away. IMDB sez:

After his partner Tom Wynne and family are killed apparently by the infamous and elusive assassin Rogue, FBI agent Jack Crawford becomes obsessed with revenge as his world unravels into a vortex of guilt and betrayal. Rogue eventually resurfaces to settle a score of his own, setting off a bloody crime war between Asian mob rivals Chang of the Triad's and Yakuza boss Shiro. When Jack and Rogue finally come face to face, the ultimate truth of their pasts will be revealed.
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Old 03-21-2010, 06:13 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The worst movie ever: Megashark vs. Giant Octopus.

No, I didn't watch it, I saw a quarter of it months ago. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
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Old 03-21-2010, 05:47 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

2012

I can't believe I just spend two and a half hours watching that thing. :stunned:
That was mind-numbingly stupid.

Emmerich, you fucking hack! :glare:
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Old 03-26-2010, 11:26 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

I disagree with a lot of Doc's list.

But I do agree that The Happening was shitty. But it was kind of amusing to make fun of.
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Old 03-27-2010, 05:04 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
Well some truth in advertising, there were 4 of them.

Also Jessica Abel looks like Barbie as a blond. Disturbing.
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Old 03-27-2010, 05:11 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

To be charitable, the Silver Surfer (the character) was well done. Too bad it had the Fantastic Four in the movie too.
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Old 03-27-2010, 06:11 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

2012. What the hell was that? I was enjoying it right up until it got to the big waves crashing everywhere. Then it got stupid. Okay, I tell a lie. Then it got more stupid. LA crashing to shit was fun. But going to Yellowstone to get the map....why couldn't Woody remember that the Arks were in China? It's not that small a place that you'd forget about it.

The Nazi uniform on the Ark Capitan. You knew immediately he'd be cold and heartless.

The impassioned speech by the scientist at the end "we can't sacrifice our humanity!" Bleurgh, predictable and trite.

The evil Russian coming good right at the end, saving his children...Then those same children, a month later offering to share their dog with the little girl who had been looking after it in the fucking Himalayas.

Stressing that they were going to hit Everest. Just how weak did you make those fucking tin cans?

Nope. It was shit.
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Old 03-27-2010, 08:38 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deadlokd View Post
The worst movie ever: Megashark vs. Giant Octopus.

No, I didn't watch it, I saw a quarter of it months ago. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
No, I think Sabretooth was worse, starring the poor man's Michael Madsen, David Keith. It was suckage of the highest order... er, lowest disorder.
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Old 03-27-2010, 09:22 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Twilight. It was bad. Very, very bad.
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Old 03-28-2010, 02:29 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

"Angel Eyes" with J-Lo and the hot guy from Passion of the Christ. Jim something-Polish.

Anyway, it was accidental, it came on HBO while I was busy doing something else and then I got curious so I watched the rest of it. Remind me to never ever do that again.
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Old 03-28-2010, 02:57 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

NT

(I mentioned a Movie that does not belong in this thread.)

I'm a bad man.
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Last edited by Brimshack; 03-28-2010 at 05:17 PM.
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Old 03-28-2010, 03:47 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Transporter 3 - Stupid plot, stupid premise, stupid car stunts, stupid bad guys, stupid everything. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It did have lots of action and a pretty freckle-face woman, Natalya Rudakova.
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Old 03-28-2010, 09:56 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dingfod View Post
No, I think Sabretooth was worse, starring the poor man's Michael Madsen, David Keith. It was suckage of the highest order... er, lowest disorder.
Look, if we are going to descend into including "SciFi"--now . . . "SyFy" . . . get it!--Abnormally Huge Animal/Insect/Plant/Mineral of the Week then we are going to have a "mega-thread."

I mean, there was Swarm in which ants form complex structures like tentacles. Fortunately, we only send four or five people against them. There was the Huge Mosquitoes Who Suck Stupid People Dry.

This is sort of like simply claiming "Every Will Farrell Film" to save space.

--J.D.
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Old 03-28-2010, 09:59 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

You'd better not be including Godzilla in there.
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Old 03-28-2010, 09:47 PM
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The rubber suit original Godzilla or the CGI Godzilla?
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