Anyway, out in the Kalihari Desert, a South African, an Australian and a Kiwi were sitting around a campfire being the intrepid travellers they are. And being men, they were bragging about their tough manliness.
The South African* begins:
Can't do South African accents. Probably just as well.
Your South African accent sounded just right to me
Man goes to an upscale club to meet up with some friends. Gets to the door, the bouncer says, "Sorry, you need a tie to enter."
"You can't be serious," the guy says in disgust. "My friends are in there waiting for me!"
"Tough luck. Nothing around your neck, you don't get in."
"Fine." The guy stomps back to his car, pops the trunk, and grabs his set of booster cables.* He loops them around his neck, stomps back to the door, and says, "There, is that good enough for you?"
The bouncer sighs in resignation.
"Fine, fine, go ahead. Just don't start anything."
A bloke comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his missus, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looks a little angry, but brings him another beer. He finishes that as well and says, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" His missus blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The bloke sighs, "Shit, it's started...".
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Please God, save me from your followers. Come yourself, don't send Jesus. This is not a job for children.
A Christian threatening me with hell is like a Hippie threatening to punch my aura.
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
The admission is free so pay at the door.
I stand up before you and sit behind you,
to tell you a story I know nothing about.
One day, in the middle of the night,
two dead boys arose to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other.
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
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Please God, save me from your followers. Come yourself, don't send Jesus. This is not a job for children.
A Christian threatening me with hell is like a Hippie threatening to punch my aura.
This joke is only funny in context, and probably not funny to any parents.
Sitting in a 24/7 coffee shop at maybe 3:30 am, myself and 3 male friends were having a great time until a young couple came in and sat down at the table next to us. They had a screaming (as in, my ears were ringing because of this) baby that obviously needed to be in bed hours ago.
After about 20 minutes, the couple had finished their quick meal and were enjoying some coffee as their devil-spawn continued to screech.
One of my friends said in a very loud voice: "You know that soft spot in a baby's head?"
The couple looked over at us, and as they did so, he said loudly...
"You can fuck that!"
They cleared out. Thank bob that baby finally got some sleep, poor thing.
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Raising root veggie consciousness one post at a time.
LOL! Awesome joke, Nex! I've gotta remember that one. I absolutely hate hearing a screaming baby while I'm trying to enjoy a meal...in fact, if I were an entrepreneur, I'd try to open a restaraunt with a "Family" section and an "Adults only" section, with a soundproof wall between the two sections.
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Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Godliness is next to impossible.
Therefore, cleanliness is next to impossible.
Pres,.Bush gets off the chopper carrying two pigs.
"Nice pigs,Sir", says the guard on the ground.
"They're not pigs, son, these are genuine Texan razor-backs;
I got one for condalesa Rice and one for Donald Runmsfeld".
"Nice swap,Sir".
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Guy goes into a pet shop and buys all the budgies, 95 in all.
Then goes to a tailor and asks him to sew 95 little pockets onto his jacket.
He puts a budgie in each pocket, climbs to the roof of a building, jumps off, and lands...splat...on the garden.
when he came to he was heard to say. "I'm not trying that budgie jumping again!"
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Dad and Dave were having lunch out in the bush. On the next ridge there was a big dingo male, licking his balls.
"Wish I could do that" says Dave.
"Hmm" Said Dad, " You'd better pat him first."
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Any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in Mankind;
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee. (John Donne)