A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?
Old dude approaches the White House and says to the U.S. Marine standing guard, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Trump."
Marine says, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer lives here." The old man says, "Okay" and walks off.
The next day, the same old dude approached the same Marine standing guard at the White House and said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said thanks and walked away.
The third day, the same old dude approached the very same Marine and again said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump. I've told you each time that he's no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"
Old dude says, "Oh yeah, I get it. I just like hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir."
__________________
"We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both." ~ Louis D. Brandeis
"Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are." ~ S. Gecko
A Catholic priest, a Methodist minister, a Baptist pastor and a Rabbit walk into the blood donation centre. The nurse asks them for their blood groups.
The boss of Ryanair, Michael O'Leary, walks into a Dublin bar and orders a pint of Guinness. The Landlord says, "That'll be one euro please Mr O'Leary."
O'Leary replies, "You're a man after me own heart, do you know all the other bars around here charge five euros for a pint of Guinness?"
The Landlord responds, "I have to be honest Mr O'Leary I took a leaf out of your book, slashed the cost of everything and business is booming."
O'Leary hands over one euro with a smile.
The Landlord asks, "Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness sir?"
A bus filled with nuns plunges over a cliff and all the nuns die.
The nuns form a queue at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter welcomes them in one by one. He asks the first nun, 'Have you ever touched a penis?'
'Just once, with the tip of my pinky finger', she replies.
'Dip your finger in the holy water and in you go', says St. Peter.
The second nun is asked the same question, and admits to having once held a penis in both hands. St. Peter tells her to wash her hands in the holy water before entering heaven.
At this point, a scuffle breaks out in the line of nuns, with one nun trying to push in front of the others. St. Peter says to her, 'What's the rush, sister Susan?'
She replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle the stuff, I'd rather do it before sister Mary bathes her arse in it!'
An oldie, courtesy of George Wallace (the comedian, not the dead racist governor/presidential candidate):
Two Jews, a Mexican and a Black man walked into a bar.
The bartender looked at them and said, "Y'all get the fuck outta here."
That's it.
__________________
"We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both." ~ Louis D. Brandeis
"Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are." ~ S. Gecko
A man retired from the Navy and joined the civilian workforce. He started showing up late for his new job every day, like 10 or 15 minutes late. After a while, he started lagging even more, up to 30 minutes late every day.
His new boss said, "Damn, when I hired a Navy man, I thought I'd hired someone with some discipline. What did they say in the Navy when you showed up half an hour late?"