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  #576  
Old 08-28-2020, 03:31 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?
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  #577  
Old 08-29-2020, 05:40 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ymir's blood View Post
Wait, what happened to the German Jokes thrad?


What’s the difference between a stork? – Both legs are the same length, especially the left one.

Two men are walking through the desert. Says one: “Now let me walk in the middle.”

What is the difference between a Saxon and a foreigner? You’ll understand the foreigner when he speaks German.
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  #578  
Old 11-13-2020, 09:58 PM
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  #579  
Old 11-14-2020, 08:35 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

It could be anything. It's the CORAL that's making me laugh the hardest.
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  #580  
Old 11-14-2020, 09:27 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

The empty frames before he asks about the glue. :blank: I was like, Oh Coral, you know you don't have to ask. But of course he does.
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  #581  
Old 11-23-2020, 10:09 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

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  #582  
Old 11-24-2020, 08:09 AM
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:frysees:
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  #583  
Old 11-24-2020, 09:27 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:scratch:

nope ... too remote for me ...
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  #584  
Old 11-24-2020, 05:21 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:frysees: (mirrored)
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  #585  
Old 01-22-2021, 08:20 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Old dude approaches the White House and says to the U.S. Marine standing guard, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Trump."

Marine says, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer lives here." The old man says, "Okay" and walks off.

The next day, the same old dude approached the same Marine standing guard at the White House and said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said thanks and walked away.

The third day, the same old dude approached the very same Marine and again said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump. I've told you each time that he's no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"

Old dude says, "Oh yeah, I get it. I just like hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir."
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"What the fuck is a German muffin?" ~ R. Swanson
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  #586  
Old 02-17-2021, 01:58 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A Catholic priest, a Methodist minister, a Baptist pastor and a Rabbit walk into the blood donation centre. The nurse asks them for their blood groups.


The Rabbit says “I think I'm a Type O”.

:bundance::bundance::nurse::bundance::bundance:
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  #587  
Old 04-09-2021, 11:09 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I went to the doctor for a check-up.

"You need to stop masturbating", he said.

"Why?"

"Because I need you to keep still while I examine you."
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  #588  
Old 05-15-2021, 01:41 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

The boss of Ryanair, Michael O'Leary, walks into a Dublin bar and orders a pint of Guinness. The Landlord says, "That'll be one euro please Mr O'Leary."

O'Leary replies, "You're a man after me own heart, do you know all the other bars around here charge five euros for a pint of Guinness?"

The Landlord responds, "I have to be honest Mr O'Leary I took a leaf out of your book, slashed the cost of everything and business is booming."

O'Leary hands over one euro with a smile.

The Landlord asks, "Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness sir?"
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  #589  
Old 09-16-2021, 05:39 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A bus filled with nuns plunges over a cliff and all the nuns die.

The nuns form a queue at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter welcomes them in one by one. He asks the first nun, 'Have you ever touched a penis?'

'Just once, with the tip of my pinky finger', she replies.

'Dip your finger in the holy water and in you go', says St. Peter.

The second nun is asked the same question, and admits to having once held a penis in both hands. St. Peter tells her to wash her hands in the holy water before entering heaven.

At this point, a scuffle breaks out in the line of nuns, with one nun trying to push in front of the others. St. Peter says to her, 'What's the rush, sister Susan?'

She replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle the stuff, I'd rather do it before sister Mary bathes her arse in it!'
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  #590  
Old 09-20-2021, 07:15 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

She left a note on the fridge saying, 'This isn't working. Goodbye.'

But I checked it out, and it seems to be working perfectly.
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  #591  
Old 10-18-2021, 06:46 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Two cats were at the beach and they decided to have a swimming race across the lake.

The first cat's name was One-Two-Three! :hellokit:

The second cat's name was Un-Deux-Trois! :glarecat:

They ran into the water and started their swim!!

Which cat won the race? :victory:



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  #592  
Old 10-18-2021, 08:53 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

An oldie, courtesy of George Wallace (the comedian, not the dead racist governor/presidential candidate):

Two Jews, a Mexican and a Black man walked into a bar.

The bartender looked at them and said, "Y'all get the fuck outta here."

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  #593  
Old 11-09-2021, 02:50 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

What does a constipated mathematician do?
Works it out with a pencil.

And if that doesn't help?
Uses logs.

Why did the negative tree fall over?
Because it had no real roots.

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?
A high-pot-in-use.

What's the integral of 1/cabin?
Houseboat.
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  #594  
Old 03-09-2022, 09:30 PM
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  #595  
Old 03-29-2022, 10:05 PM
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  #596  
Old 05-02-2022, 09:18 PM
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A man retired from the Navy and joined the civilian workforce. He started showing up late for his new job every day, like 10 or 15 minutes late. After a while, he started lagging even more, up to 30 minutes late every day.

His new boss said, "Damn, when I hired a Navy man, I thought I'd hired someone with some discipline. What did they say in the Navy when you showed up half an hour late?"

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  #597  
Old 05-12-2022, 06:33 PM
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  #598  
Old 05-12-2022, 09:07 PM
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An aardvark has escaped from the zoo; but don't worry because aardvark never killed anyone.
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Old 05-12-2022, 09:17 PM
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:confused:
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Old 05-12-2022, 09:21 PM
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Maybe it's a British expression / cliché, not known in the USA? :shrug:
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