Well Golly gosh. I'm the most horrible person in the world!

[Angakuk]

Julie, next time - you hang up the phone on your mom.

[Julie]

*sigh* It's very very hard...You guys have to remember that the kids and I live with My Mom (the grandma in question here) and well I'm getting worse not better so It's not like the kids and I can move out anytime soon. I kinda have to put up with her. *sigh*

I know. But I still think, if it's not impolite, that she's a douchebag.

[Veritas]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

If your Mom wanted him to have it she should have bought it for him (with her money) as a "Grandma's special day" present or whatever. Grandparents can do that.

Except that would teach the kid he gets whatever he wants if he whines hard enough, 'cause Grandma will always go behind Mum's back even if she says no.

Originally Posted by LadyShea

Having him call you was really passive-aggressive and manipulative and put you in a nasty spot.

I'd say it was checking with the parent to seek their permission, which was the right thing to do in my book.

Originally Posted by Megatron

I know this sounds callous, but ... really, shit like this makes me SO glad I don't have kids. I really have no idea how I'd deal with something like this.

Amen to that. Things like this are my answer whenever someone says, "Why don't you want children?"

Originally Posted by Uthgar the Brazen

I know. But I still think, if it's not impolite, that she's a douchebag.

I have nothing to add to this; I just wanted to see if multiquote would still work if I clicked on the next page of the thread.

[Angakuk]

Originally Posted by Veritas

I'd say it was checking with the parent to seek their permission, which was the right thing to do in my book.

It might have been that if Grandma had made the call. That was not the case. Grandma let Julie's son make the call and then when she was on the phone with Julie she took on the role of advocate for the boy, rather than supporting Julie in her decision, thus undermining Julie's authority with her son. Way to go Granny!

[Angakuk]

Originally Posted by Julie

*sigh* It's very very hard...You guys have to remember that the kids and I live with My Mom (the grandma in question here) and well I'm getting worse not better so It's not like the kids and I can move out anytime soon. I kinda have to put up with her. *sigh*

Julie, you have my sympathy. It is a very difficult situation. One of the problems that faces adult children who live with their parents is that very often the parents still want to act like parents (i.e. tell their kids how to live their lives). When those adult children have children of their own, the situation gets even stickier. I don't know if you are paying rent to your mother, but whether you are or are not, this is part of the price you are paying for living there.

[Plant Woman]

Is it possible you could call Super Nanny for an intervention?

But seriously, if you can sit your mom down and explain to her how doing this doesn't help your son, and hope that she will work with you in helping you raise your son up to know that there are consequences for his actions and that it is not in his best interests if she works in opposition. Since she is also a parent figure for her son, her actions can have a lot of influence on him. Then ask her to work with you not against you.

[Caligulette]

Geeze, Julie, I am sorry this happened to you. Your mom was way out of line. While 9 is old enough to know better, when you have someone who is at least 39 demonstrating such behaviour, it's not likely that the 9-year-old is going to take the high ground, eh?

And as someone who is living with a parent (in law, yet), I understand the "at a disadvantage" dynamic. You definitely have my sympathy there. It is a difficult situation in the best of times, but to have someone so blatantly undermine your authority is positively awful.

[viscousmemories]

It's too bad the Equalizer isn't still in business. I bet he could help you out.

[biochemgirl]

Originally Posted by Megatron

I know this sounds callous, but ... really, shit like this makes me SO glad I don't have kids. I really have no idea how I'd deal with something like this.

Shock collar.

[Rationalia]

Julie, I agree with you and others that this whole problem generates from Grandma's actions. She is not only ignoring your reasonable plan for helping your son take some responsibility for chores and earn the extras he gets, she is trying to appear the hero while making you the villain.

I also agree that the only likely resolution lies in getting some buy-in to your plan from Grandma, if not right away at least before the next Grandma-son outing.

[MonCapitan2002]

Originally Posted by Angakuk

It might have been that if Grandma had made the call. That was not the case. Grandma let Julie's son make the call and then when she was on the phone with Julie she took on the role of advocate for the boy, rather than supporting Julie in her decision, thus undermining Julie's authority with her son. Way to go Granny!

The most onerous part about the whole affair is that Julie's son is being used as a pawn in her mother's power play. I find that to be underhanded and unethical emotional manipulation. It is unfair to Julie's son to be treated that way by his grandmother. I hope Julie and her mother can iron out these issues before the power plays get to the point where their differences become irreconcilable.

[Shelli]

That's fucked, Julie.

[Dingfod]

Why didn't grandma just buy the kid the toy?

[LadyShea]

Originally Posted by Veritas

Except that would teach the kid he gets whatever he wants if he whines hard enough, 'cause Grandma will always go behind Mum's back even if she says no.

Except in this case Grandma set the whole issue up by taking him to a toy store, which was not in the day's plan. She should not have put him in that position. The kid wouldn't have wanted the toy if he hadn't seen the toy. And since she did take him, she should have bought him something (within limits). What's wrong with "Okay you may choose something under 10.00" or some other guideline/boundary?

It's a 9 year old, you simply can't take him to a toy store and all that temptation then not expect he will want something.

What possessed her to take him to Toys R Us, then let him look around, then encourage him to call his mom? She was the adult in charge that day, she made the decision to break from the fun day planned, she took him the toy store because it was his "special" day. If it was his special day out with Grandma, then she should have been prepared to buy him a special treat when she decided the park and McDonalds wasn't special enough or whatever.

Originally Posted by Veritas

I'd say it was checking with the parent to seek their permission, which was the right thing to do in my book.

Nope, again the trip to the toy store wasn't in the original plan, they were supposed to go to the park and McDonalds...there never should have had to be a phone call.

If my parents or whomever take my kid for a special day out, they do not need my permission to buy him something with their own money. It's their money and their grandson and they can treat him. However, my parents wouldn't put him in the position of being in a toy store when it wasn't clearly okay with me...or wouldn't make him call me if they made a last minute decision to do so, and put me in the position of being the bad guy.

It was a nasty thing to do. If nothing else Grandma should have called, or bought the toy and discussed it with the parent later in private. What she did caused friction between parent and child that was unnecessary.

And those who see this as a reason to not have kids...all of this could have been avoided by NOT taking the kid to the toy store. It's not rocket science.

All that being said, long windedly, although I think Grandma is the most responsible for the situation, I would still have a talk with my kid so he understood why I had said no, and what he could do to make me more likely to say yes at some future point, or what he could do to earn the specific toy.